QUESTION

This took me a long time to finish, for some reason, but please don't think that had any affect on the quality. Because, well, yeah...anyway, HAPPY NEW YEAR! Resolutions to follow...you know, sometime.

1. What did you do in 2009 that you'd never done before?

Got engaged. Wrote A NOVEL. Interviewed Owly Andy Runton.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I don't remember really making any, so I'm going to say that I succeeded in all of them. Go me!

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Not to my knowledge, unless they hid their pregnancy, gave birth, and then sold it on eBay speedy quick.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

It feels like tempting fate to answer this, yes?

5. What countries did you visit?

Um. USA?

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?

More traveling! More time off of work. Actually, more time period. Do you think Hermione would let me borrow her time turner?

7. What date from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

12/14/09. True story.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

DUDE. I wrote A NOVEL.

9. What was your biggest failure?

After I wrote A NOVEL, I didn't do anything else with it.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Only daily.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

New camera?

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

Winston. He's hanging in there, despite sickness and SURGERY, just like that one cat who is always like, "hang in there!" and stuff.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

Sarah Palin. Glenn Beck. You know, the usual suspects.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Honestly? I saved more money this year than I've ever saved IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. Still, too much money went to restaurants, Target, and the internet.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Inauguration Day. Seeing "50,000" pop up on the NaNo word count. This.

16. What song will always remind you of 2009?

No song in particular, but David Berkeley, maybe.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

i. Happier or sadder? Happier!
ii. Thinner or fatter? Slightly fatter, wah wah.
iii. Richer or poorer? Slightly richer, whoohoo!

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?

Sleep. No, JK. I wish I was smarter with my money and vacation time and visited more people.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?

Work, obviously.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?

You mean, like, next Christmas? I DON'T KNOW.

21. Did you fall in love in 2009?

I was already totes magotes in love.

22. How many one-night stands?

Zero!

23. What was your favorite TV program?

Hmm. I don't know. Possibly Lost. Maybe The Office. Glee, perhaps? Or It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia.

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

No, hating people makes me feel icky.

25. What was the best book you read?

This is too much pressure, I don't know. I will say that, according to Goodreads, here are some of the books I ranked 5 Stars: City of Thieves, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, Stardust. Although, to be completely honest, I'm not very good about updating Goodreads.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Most likely something Kat sent me, which doesn't make it my discovery, really.

27. What did you want and get?

I got everything I wanted this year, other than maybe a puppy. Heh.

28. What did you want and not get?

OK, also a baby penguin.

29. What was your favorite film of this year?

Hmm. District 9 was really good. And Up made me cry like a tiny baby.

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I was 27, which I have to keep reminding myself because, for some reason, I keep trying to make myself 28 instead. I don't know why. We went to a Reds game and then to drink liters of beer out of giant beer steins.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?

Same as always: t-shirt, jeans, flip-flops/sneakers.

32. What kept you sane?

Same as always: Joe. Friends. The Internets. Books.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Paul Rudd. Neil Patrick Harris.

Question 34 was missing. Sorry. You can make up a question if you want and maybe I'll answer it.

35. Who did you miss?

Your mom.

36. Who was the best new person you met?

Mr. Schuester.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009.

Don't Panic.

In this house we obey the law of thermodynamics!

I'm not sure how it's possible, you know, in terms of the laws of space and time or whatever, but somehow this week has both lasted 14 years and flown by. What is that? In any case, I'm thanking my lucky stars that it's finally Friday and that I only work three days next week and then I am off of work for 11 glorious days. IN A ROW, even. That hasn't happened in...I don't even know how long. I'm excited, is what I'm saying.

I'm also excited for this weekend and I will tell you why. THERE ARE SO MANY REASONS. Ahem. First of all, we are going out to dinner with Three Hole Punch Steve and his fiancee tonight. Did I tell you that Three Hole Punch Steve got engaged? Because he did. And his fiancee is wicked awesome.

And then tomorrow is Christmas with my dad's side of the family, which should be loud and insane (read: fun) as usual. I'm pretty excited to give out the presents I got for people. It's good that Christmas is next week because I wrapped all of my gifts early this year (whaaaaaa?!?) and right now they're sort of spread out all over the apartment. Except for Joe's, Joe's are hidden where he can't see them. Mwaahaahaa!

AND THEN! Jon and Lampl are coming over tomorrow night! Hooray! It's been 69 years since we've seen them and I'm so excited. They're probably not quite as excited, because as fun as Heidi and I are, they ARE leaving warm, sunny Florida for cold, gloomy (possibly snowy) Ohio. I would feel sorry for them, but I'm pretty sure Lampl went to the beach earlier this week so I don't feel that bad.

I just hope I can stay awake for all of it. I think all the excitement of the week caught up to me yesterday, and last night I fell asleep in bed reading. I woke up around 4 AM, the light was still on, my book was thrown to the side of my bed, and Phoebe was trying to lie down on my head. What the hell, cat?

How It Happened or: Joe is a Big Liar

Here is what I thought was going to happen last night: I was going to go over to Joe's and we were going to go to his apartment complex's Christmas party for the free food (obviously) and then we'd watch Lost (Season 5!) or something for the rest of the evening.

That is not what happened (again I say: obviously). When I got to his place, I opened the door to find music playing softly in the background (David Berkeley) and candles lit on the coffee table. "Hmm," I thought. "This is unorthodox."

Joe was in the kitchen and I walked in to find him standing over noodles and spaghetti sauce on the stove. Cheesy garlic bread was cooking in the oven (I could smell it) and when Joe offered to pour me some wine I said, "sooooo, we're not going to the Christmas party?" and he was all, "duh, moron, no," only he didn't call me a moron because he's nicer than I am. Apparently, he took a half day yesterday to get everything ready but pretended to still be at work in his emails to me so I wouldn't suspect anything. Sneaky.

Dinner was ready soon after I got there so we sat down to eat at the table, complete with candles and flowers (daisies: my favorite, plus also "Don't you think that daisies are the friendliest flower?"). At this point, I wasn't thinking much of all the special treatment because A) I'm an idiot and B) it was our year and a half anniversary, so I thought that was the reason for all the awesome.

I no longer remember anything we talked about during dinner because of what followed, just that Joe didn't eat much and I babbled so much that it took me twice as long as him to finish my meal (this is standard). While we were eating, he said, "I made you something," and handed me a CD he'd made with ALL CLAPPING SONGS ON IT. I know this might make no sense, but a long time ago, I told Joe that songs with clapping in them were my favorite because they're so happy and fun and blah blah blah OMG GUESS WHAT SONG HE PUT ON IT. Guess! OK, never mind, he put That Thing You Do on it! I love that song!

Anyway, where was I? Oh. I put the CD far away so I didn't get salad dressing or spaghetti sauce all over it, because that is something I would definitely do. I finally finished eating and we were still sitting there talking when he was all, "I made something else for you," and pulled out this little book. It was a comic book that he'd drawn in this style, which: awesome. There weren't any words, so I narrated the pictures as I looked at it: "Oh, look, it's us! Oh, Boston Stoker, our first date! Ooh, we're watching It's Always Sunny! Aww, we're holding hands. Oh, hey, you're down on one knee in this one..." and then he got down on one knee IRL right next to me and I put the book down because my hands were shaking and it was apparently time for me to start crying (dude, Jennie, pull yourself together) and Joe was holding a ring and it was all very surreal. So then, you know, he asked and I said yes (biggest OBVIOUSLY ever) and there was hugging and more crying on my part and Joe was all, "omg stop," because I don't really cry so it probably freaked him out. Then I worried about whether or not the ring would fit (because worrying, that is what I do) and wouldn't you know it? It totally did. Which is weird, because it was his grandma's ring so it's not like he could specify the size. And it's not like I could have even told him the size because I never wear jewelry SO I DON'T EVEN KNOW what size ring I wear. I'm so bad at being a girl sometimes.

Since that whole thing was settled, it was time to start calling parents and whatnot. Actually, we gave ourselves a bit before we called anyone so we could drink champagne and focus our thoughts because I was all, "What do we do now? How does this work? Should we Google it?" We each spent the next hour calling various people, and then texting various people, and then updating Facebook, which is kind of like a business transaction. I mean, once it's on Facebook, it's totally official, no backsies.

At some point, he was all, "I have another surprise," and I thought he was headed toward the library (which I was told NOT to go into earlier in the evening) and for realsies? I thought maybe there was a puppy in there. But no, it turned out to be a little chocolate cake, which is almost as good. When I told Joe that I thought he'd gotten a puppy, he was all, "um, don't you think it would have barked or something in the two hours you've been here?" and I said, "I don't know, I didn't put that much thought into it, I just got excited about a puppy."

So then we ate cake and I drank more champagne, probably more champagne that is OK for a Monday night but I thought since it was a special occasion, I got a free pass. And now it is today and I told my coworkers this morning, who all wanted to hear the story and I'm still really excited which means it's been really hard to get anything done today. Also, I had caffeine this morning for the first time in over a month and so that is why this post is so jumbled and nonsensical, because that is how my brain feels right now. OK, bye!

Dear Internets,

We already told our parents and texted like crazy and updated Facebook but I couldn't NOT tell the Internets, obviously, because I've been friends with the Internets for like FIVE WHOLE YEARS now but some of you reject the Book of Faces for some reason and so what I'm trying to say is Joe and I got engaged last night.

NaNoNowWhat?

Hey, remember that time I spent all of November writing a craptastic novel and then stopped blogging because I used up all my words that weren't poop-related? Sorry about that.

Anyway. Now I have this 50,000 word monstrosity and I have no idea what to do with it. I mean, I get that now is when some sort of revision process would be going on but I don't even know where to start. To be completely honest, I've been too terrified to even look at anything I wrote last month. Every time I get close to opening the document, I freeze and have a little panic attack, so then I decide to do it later and go about my day.

It's hard to make myself do anything with it when there are so many other things I'd rather be doing. Things like going to see Home Alone IN THE THEATER. Um, yes, please. We went on Saturday because The Neon (aka The Movie Theater That Serves Beer) is running a series of Christmas movies this month. Unfortunately, we missed A Muppet Christmas Carol last weekend on account of I had to go spend a big chunk of my paycheck on new tires (right before Christmas, thanks I-75 construction!) which was super fun. Actually, it wasn't that bad because my parents took me out to breakfast while I waited for the tires to be finished and I got hot chocolate and talked a lot about heartburn because apparently I'm 80 now.

Since we missed A Muppet Christmas Carol and may not be able to go to next Saturday's showing of Little Women (sad face), we wanted to be sure to make it to Home Alone because Home Alone is awesome OBVIOUSLY. I was eight when Home Alone came out and probably haven't seen it in a good 15 years. One thing really struck me this time and that was HOLY LORD THEY LEFT THEIR TINY SON AT HOME. Seriously, he didn't seem that little when I watched it as a kid. I remember being sort of jealous that he got to jump on all the beds and eat ice cream for dinner and smash a guy's face in with a paint can but this time? All I could think about where the terrible, horrible, no good things that could happen to him while he was alone. Also. ALSO! I totally teared up when his mom came home and saw that he'd decorated the tree and put out all their stockings and then the old man next door's family came to visit him and he hugged his estranged son and WAAAAAH.

I'm so ashamed.

After the movie, we decided we should finish Christmas shopping and Joe patiently followed me around Kohl's while I was trying to figure out what to get my Grandma and then we went to Half Price Books and I bought more presents for myself than anyone else (but only by one) and then we went to Target and it broke us. You guys, I am not going back to Target until Christmas is over because there were people EVERYWHERE, including those people who don't understand why everyone gets so angry with them when they block the end of an aisle because they're staring at the dinosaur. I get it, that dinosaur is made of awesome (I play with it every time I'm at Target), but GET OUT OF MY WAY.

Since Target took away our will to live, we were left with no choice but to rent movies and pick up a pizza on the way home. We managed to watch two of them without me falling asleep even once (it's a Christmas miracle!) and then yesterday I (sort of) watched The Family Stone three times while I wrapped presents because I was too lazy to get up and change the DVD. Actually, that's not true. Really, I was hunched over the gift wrap for so long that my back was aching so I was trying not to move unless it was completely necessary because, like I said above, I am apparently 80 now.

I'm really sorry for this. Really, really sorry.

I was just in the bathroom at work and someone was having some seriously wicked bad twosies.

I know. I KNOW. I haven't blogged here in FOREVER and now I'm back talking about smelly poops? I'M SORRY. But. Would you really expect anything else?

I have nothing against people who poo at work. It happens sometimes. No one likes it but there's no controlling it, unless you're like my friend's brother who, when he was younger, used to hold it so long that he wouldn't be able to uncross his legs for fear of letting it all out. The poop. Letting the poop out. He called it "getting stuck" and my friend, his older sister, would try and push him over and "unstick" him, if you will, to try and make him poop his pants, which is totally an older sibling thing to do if you really think about it. I never did anything like that to my little sister. I did, however, tell her that we found her in a basket on the front porch when she was a baby. And that the basement was haunted. And whenever I babysat her and she was being bad, I'd pretend to call my parents and really call Time & Temperature instead. I'd tell the automated voice all of the bad things she was doing until she started crying and promised to be good.

That would last about five minutes.

Anyway, back to the poop stories. The funniest poop story I have ever heard isn't even my poop story. My friend...um, I'll call her Carrie because I don't know anyone named Carrie, except for Carrie Bradshaw but sometimes I wish I didn't know her, like when she's wearing something particularly crazy or she's letting the puns fly fast and furious.

When Carrie (not Bradshaw) was three, her parents took her to the mall. And when Carrie was three, E.T. was very, very popular, but she, like many children, was absolutely terrified of that poor, little alien.

There she is, little Carrie in her purple overalls (creative license) and bright red, bepigtailed hair, wandering the mall with her parents, not a care in the world.

Until she saw him. E.T. Staring straight at her. Like this. Obviously, she was startled. I mean, this (fake) E.T. was as tall as she was and probably seemed more than a little menacing.

So she did what any terrified three-year-old would do in the face of such danger: she screamed bloody murder and then immediately pooped her pants.

Hmm. That's not really that funny, I guess, if you don't know Carrie. I'm sorry you don't know her, she's awesome. Anyway.

I have no point, really, and no real reason for telling poop stories today, other than I had the stomach flu earlier this week so, you know, I've spent a lot of time recently contemplating The Number Two. YOU'RE WELCOME.

so

Robert Downey Jr. just told me that Sherlock Holmes and Watson totally make out in the movie. True story.

50413 words later...

You guys! I did it! I finished something! Hee.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to lie down for a bit.

NaNo update: day 23

HOLY CRAP, YOU GUYS, I'M ALMOST DONE.

Total Word Goal: 38341
Total Words Written so far: 40491
Words ahead/behind: +2150

Words left to go: 9509

NaNo Update, day 21

I'm still writing for NaNo, I just keep forgetting to do these updates. Here's where I am:

Daily goal: 1667
Total goal: 35007
Words written so far: 37061
Words ahead/behind goal: +2045

BLERG.

NaNo Day 17

I think all this novel writing business is starting to affect my brain. For instance, I just typed "tarting" back there instead of "starting." I'm not sure what tarting is. It sounds like it's when you get all whored up to go out to bars and stuff and then you meet up with your friends and they're all dressed casually so you're like, "wtf, guys?" and they're all like, "we just didn't feel like tarting up tonight." That's what it sounds like. That, or like you can't say "farting" correctly. Anyway.

Yeah, so there's that. And then last night, Joe and I had this conversation:

Me [singing]: Working on my night cheese!
Joe: What? What's that from?
Me: I'm not telling.
Joe: Is it from 30 Rock? It sounds like it's from 30 Rock.
Me: Maaaaaaaaybe.
Joe: Is that a yes?
Me: Maaaaaaaaybe.
Joe: Dammit, Jennifer.
Me: Working on my night cheese!
Joe: Yeah, it's from 30 Rock.
Me: Night cheese sounds really good right now.
Joe: OK.
Me: The best thing about night cheese is that it's FORBIDDEN.
Joe: ...what.
Me: Because, see, you're eating cheese late at night. And eating lots of cheese makes people poop a lot. Or does it make them constipated?
Joe: Both?
Me: So anyway, you eat all this delicious cheese EVEN THOUGH you know it'll make your tummy hurt but you don't care because it's so good and that's why it's forbidden.
Joe: ...
Me: Also, you have to steal it from homeless kids.
Joe: There it is.

Word goal for the day: 1667
Words written today: 2201
Total goal: 28339
Total written so far: 31606
Words ahead/behind goal: +3267

NaNo Day 16

You guys, writing today made me want to jab myself in the eye with a rusty spoon. That is all.

Word goal for the day: 1667
Words written today: 1881
Total goal: 26672
Total written so far: 29405
Words ahead/behind goal: +2733

(PS: I did not write on Saturday, but I did write yesterday. I just forgot to post. Oops.)

NaNo Day 13

You guys! I'm halfway done!

Word goal for the day: 1667
Words written today: 1783
Total goal: 21671
Total written so far: 25628 (!!!)
Words ahead/behind goal: +3957

WHOOHOO!

NaNo Day 12

This is my brain: Hi, I'm Jennie!
This is my brain on NaNoWriMo: BLLWEIRUSLDKLWUERLKJSLDFKUWLEKRJ2323LJ FSKYW..................



Word goal for the day: 1667
Words written today: 2060
Total goal: 20004
Total written so far: 23845
Words ahead/behind goal: +3841

NaNo Day 11

I have sort of a weird question. Does anyone else get really uncomfortable when they're on the same pee schedule as someone at work? You know, you go to the bathroom for the first time in the morning and someone else is in there, which...who cares, BUT THEN every time you go in the bathroom for the rest of the day, they're in there, too? I hate that. It's awkward. Like, I only have so much bathroom small talk in me and I don't want to waste it all on the same person. Anyway.

I really didn't want to write today, but when I did, I got through it fairly quickly, so that's something. I need to work on not checking my word count every few minutes. Seriously, it's bad. I'll type a sentence, think, "oh, that MUST be like 200 words," (because I'm an idiot) and then when I check I find out it was not 200 words, it was ten words, and then I want to bang my head on my desk and you know what? They don't like it when I do that at work. Apparently, it disturbs my coworkers (for multiple reasons), but the way I look at it, that's not really my problem.

Word goal for the day: 1667
Words written today: 1752
Total goal: 18337
Total written so far: 21785
Words ahead/behind goal: +3448

NaNo Day 10

So. Here we are. Day 10 of insane-o writing plus also blogging. I don't have any words for you today, Internets, except this:

Word goal for the day: 1667
Words written today: 1962
Total goal: 16670
Total written so far: 20033
Words ahead/behind goal: +3363

I am now a little more than two days ahead. Oh. Snap.

NaNo Day 9

Do you guys want to hear a sad story? For the last week or so, I've had it in my head that Thanksgiving is next week. And so I've been thinking that next week I would only have to work three days. Possibly only two and a half days! But during a conversation with someone from Payroll a bit ago, my hopes were crushed. CRUSHED! We were talking about a project that needs to be completed before Thanksgiving, a huge, awful project that I am pretending does not exist which it sort doesn't, because I haven't yet gotten anything I need in order to complete it.

Sidebar: Isn't that the worst? You have some huge, looming project at work that already has a reeeeeeally close deadline, but you can't work on it because you're waiting on someone else to do what they need to do before you can do what YOU need to do? Yeah, good times.

Anyway. I said something about how we only have this week and a few days next week to get it done and she looked at me kind of funny and was all, "...um, we're working a full week next week," and then I looked at my calendar and tried to play it off like I was talking about the week after next and that SHE was the dumb one but I don't think it worked. Oops. I blame all the writing, it's killing my brain and then I have no thoughts left for anything else.

Word count!

Word goal for the day: 1667
Words written today: 1963
Total goal: 15003
Total written so far: 18071
Words ahead/behind goal: +3068

NaNo Day 8

Good day, Internets. It's a strange day here in Ohio because, you see, it's November, which usually means chilly temperatures and SOMETIMES even snow but today? Today I have all of the windows open and I'm sitting here in shorts and a t-shirt and it's amazing. It's Ohio, though, which means it could snow tomorrow, but today I'm going to enjoy the 70 degrees.

The procrastination continues, but I managed to finally get around to writing. Not until I'd done all manner of important things, though. Things like grocery shopping, vacuuming, laundry, farming...you know, normal Sunday chores. Here are my numbers:

Word goal for the day: 1667
Words written today: 1770
Total goal: 13336
Total written so far: 16108
Words ahead/behind goal: +2772

The first week is over and it went better than I anticipated. I'm surprised I was able to stick to my goal of writing a set amount of words (and then some) every day. I've heard Week 2 is a lot harder than Week 1, so I'm a little worried.

Last night, Joe and I had planned to grill hamburgers, forgetting that, um, it gets dark at 6 o'clock now. When we realized this, we decided to go out to dinner (yessssss) and then to the movies (yesssssss). We ended up at Bar Louie after hearing about the 45 minute wait at Mongolian BBQ (seriously?) and it was magical because there was no wait AT ALL. Which is odd. After dinner, we went to see Zombieland and OH MYLANTA, it was so good. I am simultaneously terrified of and fascinated by zombies, which means I will see any zombie movie made, but I will be on the verge of peeing my pants the entire time. It's a dangerous game, but well worth it, I think.

NaNo Day 7

Oh, Internets, I did NOT want to write anything today. In fact, I started a post about an hour ago about how I was going to skip writing today because I was ahead of my projected word count and then I thought, "wow, this is how quitting starts," and so I started writing. And crazy story started spilling out and I'm still not sure how I feel about it, but you know what? I can get rid of it later if I need to. It's a comforting thought to have when writing nutso things, that it doesn't have to be permanent.

Anyway. Here are my totals for the day:

Word goal for the day: 1667
Words written today: 1774
Total goal: 11669
Total written so far: 14338
Words ahead/behind goal: +2669

Now if you'll excuse me, since I'm already being all productive, I think I might continue that and go work out and then fold laundry and clean up the kitchen and then, you know, maybe shower before Joe comes over and we make INSTEAD OF BUY a delicious dinner.

WHO AM I?

NaNo Day 6

Today was a pain in my ass because the internet is being a little bitch and not working when I need it to. Except for right now, of course. Anyway. This is all I got, Internets:

Word Goal for the Day: 1667
Total Written for the Day: 1696
Total Goal: 10002
Total So Far: 12564
Words ahead/behind goal: +2565

Happy Friday!

Day 5, all NaNo, all the time

I am tired today, Internet. I'm not sure if it's just the usual Thursday Tired, or if all this writing is catching up with me. I'm going with the Thursday Tired. Thursday is always when the Weekly Lazy kicks in. I start the week with all of these goals. I'm going to work out every day! I'm going to make a good dinner every night! I'm going to clean! I'm going to read so much! And then, by the time I get home from work on Thursday, all I want to do is put on my pajamas and stare mindlessly at the TV until it's time to go to bed.

So, I'm fighting that today but I managed to get my words written. Writing during my lunch break seems to be working really well, because my only distraction (aside from the normal Internet distractions, of course) is work and OBVIOUSLY if it's a choice between working on my lunch hour and WRITING on my lunch hour, I'm not going to be working. Anyway. Word count!

Goal for Today: 1667
Words Written Today: 2038
Total So Far: 10868

I was so, so excited to finally break past 10,000 words. I don't know why, but that was a big hurdle in my head, like, "if I can make it past that, I'll be OK." We'll see how that goes.

PS: I'm sorry if this is getting super boring and repetitive. Hee.

NaNo, Day 4 Update

I didn't have as much time to write today on account of VISITORS at work, which meant I didn't have much time to do any of my work, let alone write, because we had to take our visitor out to lunch. Which was fine. I got some gossip and we wandered around all the other buildings on campus and get this...we totally walked by some old guy SLEEPING IN HIS CUBICLE. Which was funny because we'd just been talking about him at lunch, and how he falls asleep all the time because he's 100 years old but won't retire. He is not the only one in this position, there's someone else, but she doesn't fall asleep in her office. That I know of.

Here is what I don't understand. If you'd been working for a billion years and you made shitloads of money, WHY WOULDN'T YOU RETIRE ALREADY? GET OUT. Especially if you fall asleep at work and don't know how to use your computer. Being awake and using a computer are like the only two things you really need to do at work. Anyway.

Last night, I actually wrote a few hundred more words, even though I'd already reached my daily goal AND THEN SOME. And I finally did finish my words today and HERE ARE THE TOTALS.

Daily Word Count Goal: 1667
Words Written Today: 1744
Total Words So Far: 8830

I made up a new character today. I think I'm falling a little in love with him (platonic love, of course).

And now for something completely different. I really wanted to watch The Biggest Loser last night but I also wanted to exercise because I'm trying to be healthier. I mean, I didn't particularly WANT to exercise, but I knew I needed to. The thing is, I didn't want to not watch The Biggest Loser and do a workout DVD instead, and I knew if I tried to make up my own workout while I watched TV, I'd end up sitting on the floor "stretching" the entire time. So I tried something CRAZY. Apparently I have the Jillian Michaels Shred DVD (Level 1, anyway) completely memorized because I was able to run through the entire thing while I watched Biggest Loser. And I know it worked because my entire body hurts today. True story.

Whenever I do exercises that require me to lie on the floor (and there should be more of these, yes?) Phoebe lies on the floor with me. She flops on her back and looks at me in that upside-down way that is JUST. SO. ADORABLE. and is all, "I'm so glad you decided to lie on the floor with me." And then if I'm doing crunches or swinging my arms or legs around (Pilates), she thinks it's fun to swat at my hands and feet and try and catch them until I get so paranoid that I'm going to accidentally smack or kick her that I scare her away and I feel really bad about it BUT IT'S FOR HER OWN GOOD.

NaNo Update: Day 3!

Remember when I said I wasn't going to update every day? Well, I think I might, only I won't update if I don't write anything. So if I don't post, you should yell at me because it means I didn't write anything and I should write something every day because if I don't then IT'S ALL OVER. Hee. Probably. I don't know. I'm not sure what I'm talking about.

Today was a good day, writing-wise. It has not been a good day, so far, work-wise, because I kinda sorta almost got run over by the bus I was thrown under and it hurt my feelings. Ha, JK, I don't have feelings. What was I talking about? Oh yeah, writing.

So it was one of those days where writing was easy, you know? YOU know. I don't mean that what I was writing was exceptional in any way, but the words just came easily, like I suddenly realized that HOLY SHIT, I CAN MAKE UP WHATEVER I WANT. I mean, maybe that should be obvious, but sometimes it doesn't seem like it is. I don't think I'm making any sense, so let's move on.

Word Goal for the Day: 1667
Words Written Today: 2276
Total Written So Far: 6703

(Where I need to be: 5001. I will do the math for you and tell you that puts me ahead of the game by 1702 words.)

Remember yesterday when I thought it had just been Thanksgiving and not Halloween and I wanted to eat a bunch of mashed potatoes? Well. Last night, we tried to make baked potatoes but it turned out that the potatoes I had were, um, bad so we couldn't eat them. So then I was all, "BUT I WANT POTATOES, WAAAAAAH," and then I remembered that I'd gotten a free box of roasted garlic mashed potato mix in the mail. Why did I get a free box of roasted garlic mashed potato mix in the mail? Because I sign up for free shit on the internet whenever I see it. Especially if it's something I love so hard, like mashed potatoes. Or free tampons. Those are awesome, too, because have you seen how expensive tampons are? Damn, Gina. I think they should be free, actually, just like my roasted garlic mashed potatoes.

Anyway. So I made roasted garlic mashed potatoes in like three minutes and we ate them and they were glorious. I was skeptical because...um, instant potatoes, you know? But I would eat them again right now, if I wasn't eating my pudding cup, WHICH IS ALSO DELICIOUS.

NaNoWriMo Update: Day 2

I don't think I'm going to do these updates every day (YOU'RE WELCOME) but I finished writing today with extra time (score!) and I felt like blogging, OK, so get off my back! Ahem.

Word Goal for the Day: 1667
Words Written Today: 2239
Goal's Ass Kicked: CHECK

In order to write 50,000 words in 30 days, I should be writing 1667 words a day. I'm trying my best to do that or better every day, so I'm not scrambling at the end. Of course, this is assuming I write every day and don't have an off day where I'd rather cut my fingers off than type ANOTHER DAMN WORD and let's face it...I'm gonna have one (or 15) of those days. But, whatever. Right now I am 1093 words ahead of where I'm supposed to be and that's almost a whole day's worth of writing so YES, NaNoWriMo, you ARE my bitch. For now. I'm sure the tables will turn in a few days.

Anyway. I hope everyone had a good Halloween. I almost just wrote Thanksgiving there instead of Halloween. Just...what? Wishful thinking, I guess. Thanksgiving is when I feel like it's totally alright that I eat my weight in mashed potatoes but no, it was just Halloween, not Thanksgiving. Would you believe I didn't even eat one piece of candy? Probably because we didn't buy any, which was good, because we had zero trick-or-treaters. I'm not sure I've ever seen a child in our apartment complex, now that I think about it, which is probably good since someone who lives here just randomly throws up outside.

You know what was nice? Daylight Savings Time. I love the whole fall back an hour thing, but why stop there? Let's fall back to Friday right now. Or we could spring ahead to this Friday. I'm OK either way, really. I dislike the whole getting dark early thing, though. It makes me want to go to bed at seven o'clock. Last night, Heidi and I were talking in the living room and didn't have any lights on and after a while, I realized I could barely see her face and that's because it was six o'clock and it was dark out already. Wah wah. I did like driving to work in the not-dark today. It makes it far less likely that I will fall asleep at the wheel and drive into a ditch or Ikea or something. I think we can all agree that that's a WIN.

NaNoWriMo Update: Day 1

Well. The procrastination is in full effect because here are the things I did before I started writing today:

• ate Wendy's
• watched The Office and 30 Rock
• cleaned up a bit from last night
• folded some towels
• cleaned my room
• took a nap
• read the entire internet
• uploaded pictures to Flickr
• uploaded pictures to Facebook
• looked at everyone else's new pictures
• ate some questionable leftover cheesy sausage dip
• showered (OK, this was necessary)

And then, finally, after I did all of those COMPLETELY NECESSARY THINGS, I sat down to write. And it was hard that's what she said but I kept going. I got totally distracted about 30 bajillion times, but I blame that on not having a comfortable writing area. I tried sitting on my bed, and that was OK for a while, but it eventually made my neck and back hurt bunches. I tried sitting at my little laptop table but my chair wasn't very comfortable and it made my butt hurt. Then I tried sitting on a pillow but that made me too tall and I had to look down too much at my computer. I should probably go to another location altogether, because there are far too many distractions in my apartment, but I'll try that another day.

Anyway. Day 1 is complete and I have 2188 words to add to the novel I started a while ago. I'm not counting the words I wrote before November 1st, though, because that feels like cheating. IN TOTAL, I actually have 6842, but for NaNo purposes, I'm going with the 2188 I wrote today. Stupid rules.

things I've done since lunch:

• taken cold medicine
• blown my nose 80 bajillion times
• made some tea
• bought a greenhouse
• planned my early escape
• hoped that people sit in their seats at the Ben Folds show tonight so I don't have to stand (I know it's lazy BUT REALLY I just don't understand why people stand up at concerts when there are seats provided...someone died making those seats, you know, you should sit in them)
• wondered if I could figure out a way to sleep and drive at the same time (Michael Scott does it)

BUT. Mostly I've been deleting work emails. And not just the ones asking me to do things, ZING! Anyway. Some company-wide email went out about a survey everyone can take to complain about how much they hate their jobs. The link to the survey doesn't work. And so I've gotten at least 50 emails that say something along the lines of, "my link doesn't work," and then 50 more emails telling everyone to stop hitting "reply to all," and THEY'RE STILL COMING IN AS I TYPE. There are something like 90,000 employees at my company so I'm pretty sure my Inbox is going to blow up soon. Here's hoping.

yada yada yada

The first time I tried to do NaNoWriMo, it was in November of 2004. Things were going really well. I was writing every day and I was totally keeping up with my wordcount. Then George W. Bush was re-elected. Then my grandpa died. Then I got bronchitis. Because of that triangle of suck, I pretty much lost my will to live, let alone write. Plus my story? Was about a girl in college and everyone thought she was going NUTSO but really she was just planning for a zombie revolution. Yeah. That blows. So I quit.

The second time I tried to do NaNoWriMo, I don't even remember what year it was, but I'm pretty sure I didn't even write a thousand words. I don't remember what the story was about. Once I got to a certain point of the month, I realized there was no catching up. So I quit.

I tried NaBloPoMo (aka NaBlowMe) a couple of times, and being required to post something every day made me want to quit the internet. So I quit that FOREVER because I didn't even win any prizes when I did it! Suck.

This year, I'm trying NaNoWriMo again. I'm totally cheating, but I'm trying it again. Heather Anne told me to write a book a while ago, and so I started one, and HERE'S THE KICKER -- I haven't quit it yet. I try to write more of it every day and, while I don't write much, the wordcount is getting up there. I'm going to use NaNoWriMo to force myself to finish it. Or at least get close to finishing it. We'll see how that goes. I wanted to keep it a secret, in case I felt like quitting again, but they say you're supposed to tell people so they can ask you how it's going and then make fun of you if you don't finish. So, Internets, I expect you to hold me accountable.

Anyway, my point is, I will probably be posting here less than I already am. Which is close to never, so...I guess what I'm saying is, see you in December. Except that's probably not true. See, before NaNoWriMo officially starts, I'm trying to cut down on distractions. I'm going to have to be strict with myself and not waste as much time on Facebook or watching Charlie Bit Me on Youtube over and over or, you know, blogging. But I'm not very good at being strict with myself so I'd imagine that blogging here will be one way I procrastinate from writing my story. So I guess what I'm REALLY saying is, see you on November 1st.

If you would like to be my writing buddy, you can find me on the NaNoWriMo official site. My username is Jennie. I KNOW, it's so creative!

There is much pleasure to be gained from useless knowledge.

It's no secret that Joe and I are, for lack of a better term, giant nerds. We're so nerdy that our favorite game on Wii is Trivial Pursuit. Not Guitar Hero, not Raving (slightly racist (I will explain more in a bit)) Rabbids, not even flipping ROCK BAND. No. Trivial Pursuit. A game that we could play just as easily without the Wii, I guess, but then we might as well light candles instead of turning on a light and churn our own butter and GO LIVE IN CAVES LIKE ANIMALS.

But it's more fun on Wii because of TECHNOLOGY. TECHNOLOGY means flashy lights and fun noises and AVATARS. My Trivial Pursuit avatar is wearing a frog costume. Why? I don't know. Joe's avatar looks like David Bowie and he named it Jowie. You may bask in the awesomeness of that before I move on...

Moving on. I highly recommend this game, especially for nerds who find they have gathered quite a bit of useless trivia over the course of their lives. And it's multiple choice! That makes it so much better than the actual board game because you don't have to grab the answer out of thin air, OH NO, it's right there on the screen, you just have to choose it. NOT ONLY THAT but aside from Classic Trivial Pursuit, you can also play Movie Trivial Pursuit, which is total vindication for all the bits of useless movie trivia I have stacked in my brain. The other night, Joe was playing the SPEEDYQUICK movie version while I packed my lunch and he yelled, "Who played Josephine March in the 1994 version of Little Women?" and I was all, "Winona Ryder!" because that question was pretty much made for me and then I had to stop myself from explaining why Jo should have married Laurie instead of that stinky bear guy, but I stopped myself because Heather! Anne! can explain it better. Anyway, there are questions made for EVERYONE, you guys. Joe got some question about the Oracle and Batgirl that I didn't really understand and he answered it in less than .0000005 seconds. True story.

That's not to say the game is perfect. It's not. I'm worried about playing it too much because I think eventually we'll just have most of the questions and answers memorized. And that's no fun. Also, there is way too much geography knowledge required. NOT ONLY is there a whole geography category but sometimes it will ask some question like, "where is the blah blah blah music festival held," and then show four dots in France but none of them are labeled so even if I knew the festival was in Paris, I'd have no idea which DOT was Paris because geography? Not so much my strong suit. I get lost in my hometown AND NO I'M NOT EXAGGERATING.

Oh, I almost forgot to explain why Raving Rabbids is slightly racist. This is very important, obviously. In every version of the game, there is a part where you have to save a little frog thing from the Raving Rabbids. You shoot plungers at them when they come at you until you get to the end and save the frog thing. It is as ridiculous as it sounds. Anyway, I'm not sure what version it is, but in one of them, you're walking around, shooting Rabbids with plungers and BOOM there are some sleeping Rabbids WEARING SOMBREROS. There is another bit to the game where you have to do something and avoid waking the SLEEPING MEXICAN RABBID. Yeah. I think I remember that the game is made by French people. Do French people hate Mexicans? Oh wait, French people hate everyone...ZING! Anyway. I understand if this makes you not want to play the game, but other than the racism, it's super fun because you get to milk pigs and knock down buildings with the power of your burps and ride cows down snow-covered hills and as far as I know you can't really do any of that stuff in real life.

spoiler-free squeeing about Jim + Pam = 4eva!!!1!11!!1!!*

OMG YOU GUYS OMG OMG OMG. Sigh. OK. I am OMGing for two reasons. 1) THE OFFICE. I heart that show so hard. Last night's episode pretty much turned me into a crying, laughing, gooey mess, which can be...uncomfortable. It actually made me CRY INTO MY BEER, something I don't think I've ever done before on account of drinking beer is a happy occasion. That episode, the ending in particular, made me so happy, probably happier than a TV show should be able to make a person, but I don't care. Moving on. Thing 2) my work computer is trying to sabotage my every move. I spent most of this morning on the phone with IT trying to get the access right on this software they just gave me and did I mention it took all morning? Because it took all morning. So I got nothing done. And instead of working on stuff right now, I've decided to do something constructive and complain to the internets.

Anyway, I have to go now because I keep getting calls from people that THE WORLD IS ENDING except no, not really, and why would you call HR if the world was ending? We can't do anything without proper paperwork anyway. Leave me alone, employees.

OK. Keep your heads up, everyone. WORST. DAY. EVER. Week is almost over.

*sorry

week of Mondays

YOU GUYS. Just when I thought it was safe to go back to blogging, WORK ATE MY SOUL. And not in a good way, either. Although, it's not like there's a GOOD way to have your soul eaten. You totally need your soul, otherwise you can't love things or enjoy fine cooking. It's true. They're all totally connected, just like Connect Four. Yeah, whatever.

Yesterday, I came into work and could not get into Outlook, meaning that the millions upon millions of emails I get every day were going UNREAD and since I wasn't answering emails people were calling me and since I hate talking on the phone, I wanted to curl into the fetal position under my desk until everyone just left me all alone to cry in peace. That never happened, though. You'd think not having access to my email would mean I couldn't get any work done, but you'd be wrong. Next time, I hope my entire computer has the decency to stop working because then I'd have an excuse to be napping at my desk. I'M JUST KIDDING, UNIVERSE, PLEASE DON'T BREAK MY COMPUTER! Seriously. How would I farm if my computer breaks? You know, if you didn't know about the internet, that last sentence would be SO CONFUSING.

Anyway. This morning, my email STILL wasn't working, so I called the IT Helpdesk for the third time and was all, "wtf, mate?" and the guy was all, "um...I don't know," and I was all, "NO, SERIOUSLY, WTF, MATE?" and he said it was a local problem and then I started yelling about how my ACTUAL DESK was more helpful than the IT Helpdesk and I think he quietly hung up on me while I was screeching at him but I don't care because I felt better afterward. I managed to nab a local IT person as she was walking by and she fixed it in like thirty seconds. I could try to explain to you why I have to call and speak to someone at the IT Helpdesk who is usually not even in the same timezone as me INSTEAD of just going directly to local IT, but I like you guys and I don't want your heads to explode.

At some point, in the midst of my email turmoil, I found out that our benefits person had to have an emergency appendectomy last night and will be out for, oh, who knows how long and did I mention that Open Enrollment is next week? Because Open Enrollment is next week. I hate Open Enrollment, you guys. Our benefits are all outsourced now, which you'd think would make things easier, but no one actually READS the benefits information they're given so instead of calling the ever-so-helpful 1-800 number or going to the informational website, they call and ask us what plan they should enroll in and GUESS WHAT we can't tell you what plan to enroll in, LEARN TO READ, A-HOLE. But I can't yell those things at employees because we're supposed to hold their hands and be helpful but I DON'T WANT TO because if I have to do any more fake smiling, I think my face is going to crack in half and I NEED MY FACE, YOU GUYS.

I keep thinking it's Friday but it's not, you know? It's totally Thursday, which is not Friday but I want it to be Friday why can't it be Friday? Because if today was Friday, I could go to Joe's soon and play with his Wii (hahahahaha, that will never get old) and then the next day would be Saturday which means SLEEPING IN. But no, it's not Friday, and I have two more hours of not-Friday before I can go home and put my pajamas on and finish the book I've been trying to finish ALL WEEK but this week of Mondays wouldn't let me.

I swear, if Pam and Jim weren't getting married tonight, this whole week would have been a complete waste.

Did you miss me? No? Not even a little? Can you at least lie?

Oh, hiiiiiii, Internet. I just realized I haven't posted, and I mean really posted, in like...weeks. I have no good excuse, except that my talks-a-lot coworker transferred to another department and AS IF that weren't enough of a prize, I also got to take over all of her projects. I'm so lucky. She really wasn't doing much (hence the transfer), but it was enough. Once I added it to all my other duties (heh, duties), it made for very busy days.

Volunteering started again last month, and while it's only every other Tuesday, it sure seems like it takes up more time than that. Mostly, I think, because kids in my age group are actually showing up this year, which means I have to plan activities. Sometimes this is easy, sometimes not so much. Also! Each and every Tuesday that I have volunteering, I worry my way up 75, wishin' and hopin' and thinkin' and prayin' that traffic will be OK and no one will decide to crash in front of me because that's why they do it, you know. So my plans get effed up.

The past couple weekends have been pretty busy with a variety of obligations, although I hesitate to call them obligations because it's all been fun stuff, but it's been time-consuming stuff. For someone who'd rather sit at home in her pajamas with a full season of Veronica Mars and a book to keep her company than have actual human interaction, this can be a tad exhausting. Heh. It's not that I'm anti-social, I just need quiet time sometimes.

Anyway, as far as I know, this week is not supposed to be as busy as past weeks and I'm not promising to blog every day or anything (you're welcome) but I think I can manage to start blogging more than once every two weeks. Once a week, maybe. I don't know if I can do more. I mean, I'm already exhausted PLUS, I'm a farmer now.

One thing I definitely need to do this week is start running again. Or working out in some way. Walking from the sofa to the kitchen OBVIOUSLY doesn't count and OBVIOUSLY doesn't so much work on the "Let's Be Healthy!" front. My steady diet of pizza, fast food, and candy, however, are totally working on the "Jennie doesn't fit into her pants anymore," front. Last night we went to The Melting Pot for Joe's dad's birthday and I'm pretty sure I almost exploded my stomach with melty cheesy goodness. So yes. More running is called for, I think, even though every piece of me HATES IT HATES IT HATES IT. I have no excuse tonight, though. I'm marinating some chicken for a quick and easy dinner. The weather is mild and sunny. My running clothes are sitting in a neat pile on my dresser. And my iPod? Fully charged. Quick, somebody help me think of an excuse. Something good. It might involve zombies, who knows?

On second thought, if the Zombie Apocalypse should happen soon (and let's face it, it's GOING TO HAPPEN), I'd better be able to run more than a mile without wanting to die, especially if we're being attacked by some of those speedy quick zombies.

this is all I got, Internets, until work stops melting my brain

While watching The Nightman Cometh (a Charlie Kelly original musical, duh):

Me: This is insane. Although...it makes just about as much sense as The Hazards of Love.

grace in small things, day 9

1. NPH on NPR
2. Poop Ball
3. reading on my lunchbreak
4. utilizing all of my anal-retentive, list-making, and planning abilities to get ready to travel to a wedding tomorrow (With your powers combined, I am Captain Plan-It!)
5. Um, Captain Plan-It? I am proud of COMING UP WITH THAT RIGHT THIS VERY MINUTE.

grace in small things, day 8

1. We had no hot water this morning but, um, I guess the water could have been colder?
2. FarmVille
3. The Office starts tonight!
4. Also, 30 Rock!
5. Tracy Jordan/Morgan!

and you CAN make wine from dandelions, HEIDI*

Joe and I have dumb fights, Part 1:

Me: I wish I had a baby elephant...
Joe: This should be good.
Me: Because! I could train it and then...ride it...to work.
Joe: OK?
Me: I would feed it bananas.
Joe: ...
Me: And whiskey. Elephants like whiskey.
Joe: You can't ride a drunk elephant to work. You'd get pulled over for drunk driving.
Me: Nuh-uh, because the elephant is drunk, I'M not drunk.
Joe: But the elephant is driving.
Me: No, because I'm steering the elephant so it doesn't matter how much whiskey it had.
Joe: ...that makes no sense.
Me: BESIDES, I wouldn't give the elephant enough whiskey to get it drunk. Just enough to give it a little buzz.
Joe: Oh, so you'll be riding a buzzed elephant to work, that's so much better.
Me: Why don't you want the elephant to be happy?
Joe: I don't even think elephants like whiskey.
Me: Yes, they do, I read it in this book. This elephant in the circus used to steal whiskey. And watermelons.
Joe: Yeah, like everything you read in a book is real.
Me: WHAT DID YOU SAY?!?

Joe and I have dumb fights, part two:

Me: It was really hard to write today.
Joe: Oh yeah?
Me: I can see why so many writers are alcoholics and drug addicts, because it's way easier to write when you've had something to drink. Cause you don't care if what you're writing is any good.
Joe: So are you gonna start doing drugs?
Me: No. I'm just saying. Lots of writers are drug addicts and alcoholics.
Joe: True. Hunter S. Thompson.
Me: Stephen King.
Joe: Beverly Cleary.
Me: Yes! I mean, a mouse riding a motorcycle? COME ON, BEVERLY.
Joe: And Ramona? She's crazy. And who has a sister named Beezus?
Me: YOU SHUT UP, RAMONA CALLED HER SISTER BEEZUS BECAUSE SHE COULDN'T SAY BEATRICE!
Joe: Yikes.

*see here and HERE

grace in small things, day 7

1. I was so busy this morning and it went by SO FAST.
2. I bought new crayons for volunteering tonight. New crayons are the greatest thing ever.
3. Ruffles potato chips.
4. Ice cold water.
5. Today is my busiest day this week so once it's over, things should be totally easy (fingers crossed).

Baby step to four o'clock. Baby step to four o'clock.

I have had a major burst of productivity lately, a general feeling of needing to Do Things. Last week, Heather Anne told me to write a book and so I started writing a book (yes, again) and wouldn't you know it? Writing did not make my eyes bleed or my fingers turn into tiny snakes or even GIVE ME A HEADACHE. No. It was rather enjoyable. I think I may need to start trading in more TV/Internet surfing time for Writing time. Small price to pay, really. AND ALSO. Weeks and weeks ago I decided that I needed to write a children's book about grieving on account of I can never find enough good grieving books for volunteering. Oh, there are lots and lots of them, but not many that seem to suit my purposes and so I thought, why not just write them myself? So I wrote one. It's sitting in my Google Docs, though, until I figure out what the hell I'm supposed to do with it now. But my point is, I am doing things.

Doing things like working out ON THE WEEKEND, which you'd think would be when I would work out the most anyway because of all the free time, but you'd be wrong. Tam commented last week about this blog here, where a bunch of crazy ass women are doing Jillian's Shred DVD for thirty days in September. At first I was all, "No way in hell could I do that because ow, my knees hurt just THINKING about it," but I started doing it again this weekend anyway. I maybe should not have done it two days in a row because I'm having a bit of trouble with simple activities like WALKING or SITTING UP but progress is supposed to be painful or something. I think I heard that somewhere. Next step? Eating better, meaning eating more food I cook myself and less food that others prepare for me, unless it's Kat doing the preparing because you'd have to be crazypants to turn down anything Kat made you.

Over the weekend, I went from Ew, Cooking to I Need to Make Some Manicotti RIGHT NOW and I don't know why. It's not like I looooove manicotti (although, it is delicious), I just wanted to Make Something and manicotti didn't seem too terribly complicated. I even plan on cooking more this week (I KNOW) and then eating the leftovers because I am a responsible grown woman. Or trying to be. I mean, I also spent most of the weekend watching (almost all of) Season One of Veronica Mars but whatever. Baby steps.

PS: You should probably go check out Abigail, Ashley, and Heather Anne's new TV/Movie/Book review blog. Um. Like now. What are you waiting for?

grace in small things, day 6

1. finishing a good book
2. Veronica Mars
3. having time to stop at Starbucks this morning
4. noisy coworker is off interviewing for a different job
5. Cousin Vinny's pizza and breadsticks

Everyone has a purpose. Maybe this is mine.

When I got home from work today, I noticed there was a piece of paper hanging by our front door, in that little clip thing that the apartment complex uses to give us important information. Also, Chinese restaurants leave menus there. But mostly the apartment complex uses it. These notices always make me wary, because it's usually something like, "Maintenance will be coming in to change the filters on your heating unit [heh, unit], so please remove anything from that area." I don't know why it tells us to remove everything from in front of the heating unit because WE'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO KEEP ANYTHING THERE ANYWAY but they must know people keep shit there because where else would they put it? THERE ARE NO STORAGE UNITS ANYWHERE. Ahem. I hate notices like that because I don't like strange people to be wandering around our apartment when we're not home (when we ARE home, that's fine) but also because Heidi and I are totally those people who store as much stuff as possible in front of the heating unit because where else would we put it? THERE ARE NO STORAGE UNITS ANYWHERE.

Anyway, most of these notices are for things we can ignore because it's something absolutely thrilling, like there's going to be a complex-wide yard sale (that no one participates in) or that we need to stop letting our dogs poop on the golf course (duh) but it's never anything like, "congratulations, you've won a raffle you didn't enter and it means you don't have to pay rent anymore!" Jerks.

BUT. Today's notice was beautiful. I now present it to you, in its entirety:

Dear Residents of Buildings 1, 2, 3, 4*:

Behind the garage bays of your buildings we have been finding piles of vomit on a consistent basis. It has also been brought to our attention by fellow residents that these piles have also been found in their personal yard areas. At first we thought this might be from an animal however the piles are found daily and on top of bushes making it impossible for an animal to be the culprit. We please ask that this stop immediately.

Thank you for your attention to this matter

-Your Staff

So. A couple things. First of all, they should hire me to edit their notices. SECOND OF ALL, someone is vomiting outside on a regular basis. They're doing it often enough that they felt the need to send everyone a written notice. Who is doing this? Who is the Univomer? What do they want? I really think we need to understand his or her motives before we can even begin to think about catching this person. (I realize that no one has asked me to capture this person, but I've been watching a lot of Dexter and Bones, so I feel like NOT ONLY could I totally solve a crime, but I have a growing NEED to solve a crime AND YES I realize that vomiting in someone's yard is more of a nuisance than a crime but shut up.) Also. How do they know it's someone from Buildings 1, 2, 3, or 4*? That's discrimination (right?) and I won't stand for it! It's unfair to assume that it couldn't be someone from a rival building phantom puking in our area.

Maybe someone has a drinking problem they don't want their spouse to know about, so they do their hangover vomiting out the window or on the way to their car or something. Maybe one of the golfers got sick (literally! heh) of people letting their dogs poo on the golf course. Maybe a homeless person is living in the shed next to the mailboxes and OBVIOUSLY he doesn't want to puke in there, because that would smell up his hidy-hole. I don't know. But I want to know. I might have to start getting up early and running so I have an excuse to patrol the area. That is the sacrifice I'm willing to make. YOU'RE WELCOME, RESIDENTS OF BUILDINGS 1, 2, 3, AND 4*.

*obviously, those are not the real building numbers

I am a blogging machine today

When I'm singing along to the radio in the car, sometimes I forget that other people can still see me. I hope the people stuck in traffic in the lane next to me earlier enjoyed my recreation of this:



Only I was alone. Also, can you believe Kumar works for the White House now? Awesome. I hope Neil Patrick Harris is next. Except, no, never mind, if he was at the White House, he wouldn't have time to do stuff like this anymore and that would be the opposite of awesome.

priorities

I desperately need to go to the grocery but I really only have enough energy for one errand tonight and so I think I'm going to the library instead. Partly because I still don't have much of an appetite and I can just have grilled cheese or something for dinner but mostly because I think reading is more important than eating.

this involves a lot of poop talk so don't say I didn't warn you

I already said I hadn't blogged in forever because of my gastrointestinal issues but really that's no excuse because how much energy does it really take to sit up (barely) with my laptop resting on my legs or the sofa or whatever and type up some nonsense? Not that much energy, really, but I still didn't blog. I was sick on Thursday and Friday but went to work anyway (yes, I'm THAT coworker) because why would I want to waste my sick days at home being sick? Please. Anyway, I want to save as many as possible because at the end of the year we get our sick days paid out and I want money, lots and lots of money.

I did try and be somewhat social on Sunday, and went over to my parents' house because they were having people over for pasta and garlic bread. That's right, pasta and garlic bread. Anyway, that ended up being a total clusterfuck because I spent most of the time in the bathroom (TMI) which led to conversations like this one which, when Joe told me about it later, made me recoil in absolute horror for several reasons:

My sister: Where is Jennie?
Mom: She's in the bathroom. She's not feeling very well.
My sister: Oh, is she pregnant?

Um, no. Thanks, though. This, of course, led to several more fun conversations about my stomach issues and non-pregnancy issues which made my head explode about 14 times because FIRST OF ALL, if I want everyone in the world to know my poop business then I will just tell the Internet like a normal person and ALSO I'm not very good at math (anymore) but I'm pretty sure that bad poops does not equal pregnancy. What made it even worse is that I was on my period at that very moment (OOPS TMI). But whatever, according to my mom, I probably had the swine flu. Have the swine flu. One of those.

Anyway, so that was fun. If by fun, you mean, "OMG OMG GET ME OUT OF HERE PLEASE I WANT TO CRAWL UNDER THE PORCH SO I'M ALONE WHEN I DIE OF NON-PREGNANCY-INDUCED DIARRHEA OH YES I JUST SAID DIARRHEA, INTERNETS, GET OVER IT OK?"

Ahem. Then my cousin was all, "hey, Uncle Jim (who is my dad), would you care if Jennie and Joe moved in together before they were married," which was also fun if you're going by the definition above.

The beginning of my week last week was much better, because I had an awesome night of volunteering on Tuesday, which sounds weird because we go there to talk about dead people but whatever, it was good. There were two little girls in my group and they liked drawing and playing with My Little Ponies, so that's what we did and that is why I have My Little Ponies in my car. Also, one of them was talking about how her boyfriend is really short (yeah, she's 5) and how people call him midget and I was like, "oh, I bet he doesn't like that," and she was all, "no, he doesn't really mind," so then I thought, "well, maybe he really IS a midget," but I didn't say that and then she demonstrated how short he is and I was like, "wow, that is short!" and she was like, "yeah, he's not tall like you are," and I wanted to hug her because I haven't been tall since the sixth grade (that is when I stopped growing) and it was the best day ever, you guys. True story.

grace in small things, day 5

I forgot to be grateful for small things all weekend, on account of I spend my entire three day weekend either A) napping, B) watching movies/Dexter, and C) expelling everything I've ever eaten in my entire life from my body (there's a pleasant image). So OBVIOUSLY that left little time to be grateful. Anyway. I'm back, mostly.

1. Joe made me soup and toast all weekend
2. Four day work week!
3. I can't work out when I'm sick (hooray!)
4. Book reviews on The Collective
5. Speaking of book reviews: Goodreads

grace in small things: day 4

1. it's Thursday, which means it's almost Friday
2. Abigail met Chuck! (and Sarah Walker)
3. Natalie Dee
4. the three day weekend is so close I can taste it (weird)
5. peanut butter

grace in small things: day 3

1. volunteering was really, really good last night
2. pineapple on pizza
3. Diet Dr. Pepper
4. sleeping with the windows open
5. Gmail is working again (I mean, thank GOD)

grace in small things: day 2 (again)

1. hot coffee on a chilly(ish) morning
2. volunteering tonight
3. Blistex Silk & Shine chapstick (seriously, I am addicted)
4. quiet coworkers
5. perfectly ripe bananas

grace in small things: PART DEUX

I was doing so, so well at this Grace in Small Things thing for, um, a couple days and then I stopped doing it because OMG it takes SO LONG to come up with five bullet points every day. Goodness gracious me! Anyway, I'm going to start doing it again so I don't become more bitter and jaded than I already am.

1. wine and pizza with Nancy and Heidi tonight
2. fall weather is coming
3. cheese (today: pepperjack on my turkey sandwich)
4. my Google Reader overfloweth
5. rereading books

murder most foul

This weekend began with a rainy baseball game and ended with a murder mystery. Joe and I met my parents on Friday at Brixx, a restaurant/pub type thing across the street from the stadium. We were really pushing it to make it to the 7 o'clock game, but as the sky was turning a little Angry Thunder Face, we decided to eat dinner and drink some beers before heading over. As my dad pointed out, beer is cheaper at Brixx than it is at the game, and who am I to argue with such logic in this economy?

So I ate a burger topped in salsa and jalapenos (YUM) and somehow we ended up with not one, not two, but THREE baskets of chips and queso and try as we might, we just couldn't eat all that cheese. We gave it a good effort, though, even turning our waffle fries into CHEESE waffle fries and later that night I realized that I should not eat so much cheese in one sitting. IT'S SO GOOD. Shut up, stomach, you'll eat 10 pounds of cheese AND YOU'LL LIKE IT.

Anyway, we got rained on at the game PLUS ALSO they lost PLUS ALSO I swear to everything holy there were bats flying around but everyone was all, "no, Jennie, they're birds" but they've never been traumatized by a bat so their opinions don't count.

Because of the whole rained-on thing, any plans for a postgame drink were abandoned because as much as I like bars, I do not like sitting in them when half of my butt is encased in wet, slowly-drying jeans, so instead Joe and I changed into pajamas and watched Aliens and I might have whimpered like a little girl in parts but OMG YOU GUYS, Kat was right, aliens are effing terrifying. True story.

We saw Inglourious Basterds on Saturday, which ALSO might have made me whimper like a little girl in parts but that is because Quentin Tarantino is a sick bastard (basterd?). Good movie, though. I read a review somewhere that described Brad Pitt as "Coen-brothers perfect" and that might be the most apt description of his performance, like, EVER. My point is, you should definitely go see it, just be forewarned that you may never look at Ryan the Temp the same way after you've seen him scalp someone. Um. Spoiler?

And then Sunday. What to say about Sunday? I thought about working out after I saw Joe's brother Facebook that he had just signed up for a 5K, but instead I sat under a blanket and read my book for most of the afternoon. I eventually dragged myself off of the couch so I could get ready for the BBQ/Birthday Party/Murder Mystery Party that Joe's friends were throwing. All I have to say is, whoever assigned the characters must read this blog because part of my character's description was about how she tells long, rambling stories that go nowhere and if that's not the theme of this blog then I don't know what is. It turns out that the butler doesn't always do it because, in this case, THERE WAS NO BUTLER and also I discovered I suck at murder mysteries because I mostly just sat back and giggled at everyone, forgot to pay attention to any of the clues, and guessed myself as the murderer just because I had no idea.

Later we played cornhole and I did better at that. For one game anyway. But I totally counted it as exercise because I was, you know, standing and holding a cup and stuff. I meant to get up early this morning and work out, but the fallish breeze was blowing in and it was so warm under the covers that I couldn't drag myself out of bed any sooner than I had to.

Tonight, Heidi and I are going to Nancy's for wine and pizza and catching up, because I'm trying this new thing where I drag the weekend kicking and screaming into the week so I don't notice that it's Monday. It would be a lot more effective, I think, if I wasn't sitting at work right now.

let's pretend like I'm Tracy Jordan and you all are Grizz and Dot Com and basically you tell me how wonderful I am AAAAND GO!

The weather has been so, so nice the past couple of days that I sort of want to take it behind the middle school and get it pregnant.

[pause for laughter]

Anyway, it's been so nice that I even turned off the AC and opened all the windows and yesterday, I sat on the sofa, embroidered a monkey, tried not to pay too much attention to We Are Marshall on TBS (because of the tears, people, OH THE TEARS!), and sipped on a glass of wine because Abigail told me that it was OK to start drinking. It was pretty much perfection. And now I am at work. That is the opposite of perfection.

Only it's not so bad, because my always-talking coworker is not here today and I decided to randomly come in an hour late and no one cared or noticed (not sure which) and did I mention my always-talking coworker is not here? It is so quiet and lovely today. I want to take the lovely quiet behind the middle school and get it pregnant.

[pause for laughter]

I did manage to be productive this weekend, sort of kind of anyway, because it's not like I did ALL that much, but I did the necessities like vacuuming and laundrying and, you know, showering. I did not work out at all this weekend and I let myself eat whatever I wanted as a reward for making it through The Week From Hell, but this week I'm back on the wagon. So far, anyway. I'm afraid this week might turn into The Week From Hell Part Two: The Hellinating, especially since I came in this morning only to find that the air conditioning isn't working. Luckily, it's not that hot outside, but still...it's super stuffy in here and kind of smells like a fart. Which, you know, is sort of gross. But whatever, this training is supposed to be over by the end of August so I'm looking forward to sweet, sweet September because it will all be over OVER! OVER! and also September is when Labor Day happens and I don't have to work on Labor Day which means three day weekend and I love three day weekends so much I want to take them behind the middle school and get them pregnant.

[pause for laughter]

I've been feeling this great need to be more organized and productive, which is making me sort of crazy (crazier) because I keep making lists and spreadsheets and more lists and more spreadsheets and starting stories and revising other stories and starting more stories and what I'm saying is my Google Docs are out of control. But I don't care because I have my beautiful, beautiful spreadsheets. I want to take my spreadsheets behind the middle school and get them pregnant.

[crickets]

Too much? Yeah, I know, too much. I don't really know where to end this, which is the problem with pointless posts SUCH AS THIS ONE so I guess I'll keep talking until I run out of things to say only NO I WON'T because I NEVER run out of things to say, just ask Joe. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go update my Budget spreadsheet. I think there might be a problem with it, because according to my spreadsheet I should have no monies left for the rest of August, but I do have monies left, so I should probably look into that. Also, you know what? I should spend less monies. I knew that before the spreadsheet but the spreadsheet just made it all the more obvious, what with the BOLD RED print that basically screams, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, JENNIE, BACK AWAY FROM TARGET RIGHT THE HELL NOW."

My budget is kind of rude. I do not want to take it behind the middle school and get it pregnant.

Zing!

Heather Anne asked (sort of)

As far as I can tell, these are (most of) the new movies being released this week and here are my opinions which aren't really opinions because I'm always right anyway moving on:

Inglourious Basterds -- So for a long time I wouldn't see The Pursuit of Happyness because they spelled happiness wrong in the title, but for some reason that doesn't bother me at all for this movie. I don't know why. Anyway, I saw a preview for this movie before District 9 and I was surprised at how much I actually want to see it. Probably it's because I want to see Ryan the Temp scalp some Nazis or whatever because Nazis are bad.

Verdict: THEATER

Post Grad -- Chances are, this movie is face-meltingly awful but I totally heart little Rory Gilmore, so I'd be inclined to watch it.

Verdict: DVD

Shorts -- OK, this is actually the movie I thought was Aliens in the Attic. Sorry, I got my (probably) crappy kids movies mixed up. I think this looks sort of cute, but in a "I'd watch this on ABC Family on a Sunday afternoon because I'm hungover and can't find the remote" sort of way.

Verdict: DVD/Face-Melty

The Marc Pease Experience -- I know nothing about this movie. Except that Ben Stiller is in it (possibly a minus) and Jason Schwartzman is in it (definitely a bonus). So. Yeah.

Verdict: DVD

My One and Only -- I want to like this because it's set in the 50s. But I've decided to boycott Renee Zellweger until she says she's not doing a third Bridget Jones movie (seriously, Renee, STOP IT).

Verdict: Face-Melty (could be redacted at a later date)

The World's Greatest Dad -- This movie sounds totally fucked up THEREFORE awesome. Robin Williams has an obnoxious son, who I think dies or commits suicide or something, and so Robin Williams totally mooches it so people feel sorry for him. I don't know really, but what I DO know is that this might be a movie starring Robin Williams that doesn't make you want to punch him in the neck. More Good Morning, Vietnam and less RV.

Verdict: DVD

My point is, you might as well go see Inglourious Basterds this weekend.

This is the Seinfeld of posts.

I've started to notice lately that it doesn't take much to affect my mood one way or the other. I'll be smiling my way down the hallway at work and then I'll hear Annoying Coworker #5 talking about how he heard Glenn Beck say the funniest thing the other day, and he doesn't mean funny like, "wow, I didn't know someone with so few brain cells could speak," he means funny like, "that Glenn Beck sure knows what he's talking about," because if this guy lived in Phoenix, he probably would have been one of those idiots who brought a gun to hear Obama speak because THAT'S TOTALLY SANE AND NORMAL and what was I saying? I don't remember, really, but I think it had something to do with the fact that my mood can be ruined by the smallest things.

However. It can also be buoyed by the smallest things, like YUMMY FOOD or hearing The Final Countdown on the radio and picturing GOB dancing around before he makes a boat DISAPPEAR. You know what other Arrested Development-related activity makes me happy? Imitating the Bluths imitating chickens. Chaw-chee-chaw-chee-chaw! If you don't understand that, then maybe you should go watch some Arrested Development already.

Here is why: I am right about everything and I say Arrested Development is hilarious. Other shows that are hilarious: How I Met Your Mother, 30 Rock, The Office, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Flight of the Conchords. Sometimes people try to watch things like Two and a Half Men and I have to tell them how not funny it is. Sometimes they don't believe me and watch it anyway and I feel sorry for their brains. It's sad.

I can also tell you what movies you should see in the theater, what movies you should wait to see on DVD, and what movies you should never, ever see because they will be so awful that they will melt your face, sort of like that time the Ark of the Covenant, um, melted that guy's face and it was way gross, especially for that guy, probably.

For your reference, here are the movies that are out right now (at least where I am) and what category they fall into:

(500) Days of Summer: THEATER

Aliens in the Attic: DVD

Bandslam: Face-Melter

District 9: THEATER

Funny People: DVD

G.I. Joe: Face-Melter

G-Force: Face-Melter, but could be DVD b/c of Tracy Morgan/Jordan

The Goods: DVD/possible Face-Melter

The Hangover: DVD

Harry Potter: THEATER

Julie & Julia: THEATER

Orphan: DVD

A Perfect Getaway: Face-Melter/DVD

Ponyo: THEATER/DVD

The Proposal: DVD

The Time-Traveler's Wife: DVD

Transformers: Face-Melter

The Ugly Truth: Face-Melter

YOU'RE WELCOME. Please note that I have only actually seen three of these movies, but I feel strongly that I am right about the rest of them.

Regarding the above movies, you should all go see District 9 like, ASAP. Except for you, Heather Anne, because it might be too scary. And Kat, you maybe shouldn't see it on account of it's full of aliens. But the humans are scarier, I promise. Anyway. It's really good and the main guy has an accent and it sounds funny when he says The Eff Word.

This week, Heidi and Tam are in Mexico burning their skin off and drinking tequila, so I am checking in on Harleigh, Tam's smooshed-face cat. Here is a picture of Harleigh. She is adorable and right now she is wearing one of those cone things so she doesn't lick her tummy rash and it only makes her more adorable. Also, she's nice and will let me pet her and pick her up without threatening to bite my face off, unlike some cats, PHOEBE.

Anyway, I guess my point is, I'm in a good mood today because of A) GOB Bluth, B) quesadillas for dinner, C) smooshed-faced cats, and D) Flight of the Conchords. If you'd been paying attention, I think that was all pretty obvious.

This place is a tomb. I'm going to the nut shop where it's fun.

When I was a kid, I read all the time. Like, ALL THE TIME. A few months ago, my mom was telling me a story about how she was in a waiting room, quite obviously deeply involved with her book (dirty), and someone wouldn't stop trying to have a conversation with her. I was all, "MOM. You used to do that to me all the time!" and she was like, "Well, JENNIE, if I didn't talk to you while you were reading, I'D NEVER HAVE GOTTEN TO TALK TO YOU," because that's how much I read, you guys. TRUTH.

Anyway, I also had this problem in that I thought everything I read was true. I mean, I think I knew that I couldn't really travel to Narnia through a wardrobe and that Ramona Quimby (age 8) was not actually a real person. It was more like I wanted the real world to be more like books, all the time. I wanted to write to Mr. Henshaw and I wanted to run around with Maniac McGee and I dearly, dearly wanted to go to Wayside School, even though it was falling down.

Mostly, though, I wanted to be in The Baby-sitters Club. I went back and forth between which character I wanted to be. Sometimes it was Claudia, with her "keen" fashion sense, but I didn't want to have her mean sister. I did try that thing she did, where she hid food all over her room so she could have fun snacks any time she wanted, but it turns out if you do that in real life, your parents catch you and get mad at you because when they asked you where all the snacks were going, you told them your sister was probably eating them and that, my friends, is called lying and I guess parents don't really like lying or something. But I digress.

Sometimes I wanted to be Mary Anne, but I was already desperately shy and bookish, so that was no good. And sometimes I wanted to be Stacey, but not really because man, she was a Grade-A beeyotch if there ever was one, right? Mostly, I wanted to be Dawn, but only because of her beautiful, long hair and the fact that she lived in a house with SECRET PASSAGEWAYS. I knew our house wasn't anywhere near as old as Dawn's house, but that didn't stop me from searching for secret tunnels in the basement.

But the Club sounded fun, no matter which member you were. Probably because there was absolutely no adult supervision and parents had no problem sending ALL the neighborhood kids off on adventures with 13-year-olds, like remember that one time they all got shipwrecked on an island? I mean, they weren't there long enough for it to get all Lord of the Flies, but still...who sends their kid off on a boat with a 13-YEAR-OLD?!

Unfortunately, I didn't have a boat, but I still thought I'd be a good member. Screw that Red Cross Baby-sitting class I took, I learned way more from The Baby-sitters Club. True story. OK, not really, but they did have those super awesome Kid Kits, full of all sorts of fun stuff to keep little ones occupied. I COVETED those Kid Kits, which I know is a sin or something but there are worse sins so just be glad I'm not out there murdering people or building shrines to the Flying Spaghetti Monster or whatever.

I still sometimes wish that real life was more like books. Less work, more play. Adventures that last pages and pages. Kid Kits. But last night, as I was getting my bag ready for volunteering, I rummaged through some of the stuff I'd collected for it. Stickers. Markers. Play-Doh. Bubbles. And wouldn't you know it? It turns out I'd made my very own Kid Kit, albeit about 15 years late. Maybe this real life thing isn't so bad after all.

hey, guess what

I'm at work right now! Fun times. I have to be here now because 3rd shift has to take this training, too, and like, the only time they're here is 3RD SHIFT. Go figure. So here I sit, yawning my arse off, waiting for the next session to start. There are three of them tonight, and I'm supposed to be finished about 1:30, but I'm shooting for 1. That's in two hours. TWO HOURS. Zzzzzzzzzz. I'm not made to stay up that late on school nights. NO SIR.

Plus, also, I met Joe for dinner before I had to go to the training and something I ate gave me some wicked bad twosies. I'm sorry if that's too graphic for you. Actually, no, I'm not. This is a safe place and I should be allowed to talk about wicked bad twosies if I need to. So, yeah, that happened and then I was all, "WHY TONIGHT? WHYYYYY?" because SERIOUSLY? WHY TONIGHT? I have to talk in front of people and sound like I know what I'm talking about and really all I'm thinking is, "gee, I hope that Immodium keeps working, otherwise this could get really embarrassing."

And then Joe was like, "is anyone else going to be there with you?" and I was like, "um, yeah, all the guys I'm training," and he was all, "so just you and a bunch of guys?" and I was like, "yeeeeaaaaaah, so?" and he was like, "maybe I should go with you and protect you," and I said, "hello, there's a security guard who will totally come save me if anything bad happens," except when I got here the security guard was on his phone but it's OK because I made friends with some engineer dude in the office who is here for some reason really late and I know I can trust him because my dad is an engineer. It's also his birthday. My dad, not my new engineer friend. Happy Birthday, Dad!

Wow, I think it's time for me to go get ready for the next session now. And maybe get some fresh air. And some Diet Coke.

file under: procrastination

I opened my work e-mail to approximately 60 new messages this morning. I finally made it through all of them so I at least know what they say, but I'm scared of the amount of work I have to get through this week. So, of course, I'm blogging instead of getting started on any of it. I make good decisions.

Speaking of good decisions, you know what isn't one? Drinking 20 four-ounce samples of beer when it's 90 degrees outside. OK, that's a lie. I regret nothing, even though I passed out at 8 o'clock on Saturday night, after scarfing down delicious waffle fries, and then woke up at 4 AM all WIDE AWAKE. Oops.

The good part about going to a beer tasting that starts at 2 is that it's over at 6 and you have all night to sober up, meaning no hangover the next day. I'm a fan of that. I still ended up sitting and doing nothing in the AC all of Sunday since it was a billion degrees outside. Until I had to rescue Joe, that is, on account of his car started, um, smoking when he was driving down 75. I'm not a car expert or anything but I think when your car starts smoking, that's probably not good. So my point is, Joe is car shopping this morning.

Today is detox day seeing as how I consumed nothing but beer and junk food all weekend. Friday night was going well, until we went to see To Kill a Mockingbird and they were handing out free popcorn. Who turns down free popcorn? Crazy people, that's who. You know who turns down free popcorn? People who don't like The Beatles. I didn't believe those people existed but they do and I want to punch them because not liking The Beatles means you're missing an important part of your soul. I'm certain that I'm right about this. Anyway.

This morning, I had every intention of getting up early and working out but I'm not sure why I even pretend I'm going to do this because I never do. Which means I have to do it tonight and do you know how much motivation I have to go running after work? It's pretty close to NONE. Is there something less than NONE? Because that's what it is. It's like NONE minus 10.

don't care how, I want it now

In just a bit, Joe and I are going to go meet my parents and various other family members at a beer tasting. What, what does your family do to bond? We're headed out in 90+ degree weather even though a person with any common sense at all would just go buy a bunch of beer and have their own mini-tasting at home and soak up the AC. I've never claimed to have common sense, though.

I'm going to try and be on my best behavior, but I'm sort of afraid I'll end up running around like Veruca Salt in the chocolate factory. You know, a bit like this: