You heard the news and you broke the White House.

Joe and I have been watching The West Wing because we finished every other TV show in existence.  So far, my favorite Bartlet speech is this one:

Hey, look at that.  November and NaBloMe are over.  Whoo!  

NaBloMe

I have been a complete waste of space today. Even though I managed to get out of bed around 9 (not bad), I did nothing but eat waffles and watch The West Wing. And then I accidentally took a two hour nap. I haven't showered or gone running or anything. I have, however, done a load of laundry. And I ate a turkey sandwich I made out of a sweet roll, provolone cheese, and Thanksgiving leftovers. YUM.

In fact, I haven't eaten much but Thanksgiving food since, um, Thanksgiving. Last night, Joe and I pooled our leftovers and had a mini-Thanksgiving. Not only were there mashed potatoes, there was Guitar Hero AND WALL-E. I just love that movie so much. It makes my heart melt all over the place, which sounds uncomfortable, but it's really not.

NaBloMe is sort of kicking my ass. I don't like feeling like I HAVE to blog. Who is November to tell me I have to blog every day? Eff you, November! Don't tell me my business!

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go wrap some Christmas presents. I may need to watch Elf while I do so. I'll keep you updated.

Custard, good. Jam, good. Meat, GOOD!

Yawn. I'm at work and I'm wicked bored. So wicked bored that I've decided to pretend I'm from Boston. No. That's not true at all. I'm sorry for lying, but I'm bored, so what else do you expect me to do? I think even my boss is bored. She popped into my office earlier to tell me about some documentary she watched last night (that I totally want to see now) about how long it will take, once the humans are dead, for all evidence of humanity to disappear. Like roads and buildings and stuff. I tried to tell her that WALL-E will stick around and clean the place up, but she didn't know what I was talking about. While she was talking, I kept thinking, "Oh, shit, Jennie, pay attention, maybe this has something to do with a project she wants you to work on," and then I realized that I don't, in fact, have anything to do with cleaning up after humanity (that's Kat's job), and that my boss was just bored and wanted to tell me about a wicked cool (yeah, I need to stop that) TV show she'd watched.

Then she left. And five minutes later she came back to tell me about this OTHER thing she'd seen at the Smithsonian about how, if all of time was 24 hours or something, humans have only been around for a minute. Only she used more words and it sounded better than what I just said. Then we talked about how thinking about that kind of thing makes us feel tiny and insignificant and I was all, "Kind of makes you wonder why we have to go to work every day," because I was hoping she'd say, "You're right, Jennie. You go home. Watch some TV. Read some books. Take some naps. Enjoy your day." That didn't happen, though.

So, that is why I'm still at work. Although, I have to say I'd rather be at work than out shopping. That's where Heidi is. She went with her mom at 5 AM and they are sure to find billions of deals, but Black Friday scares me. Plus, you can find a lot of deals online, so if you want to spend some money without the bother of talking to people, just head on over to Amazon. Earlier Joe went to Toys (backwards) R Us to look for Guitar Hero guitars and I got the following text messages about his quest:

The line just to get into electronics is sooooooo long.

They sold out! Cries.

Disappointment.

Wait! Wait! They have them!

I have two in my hands.

I'm hoping the "two" he's talking about are guitars and he's not having to perform sexual favors for video games. Actually, no, I don't care either way, as long as we get to play Guitar Hero later. Hee.

I'm actually fighting the urge to take advantage of the SUPER DUPER deals on Threadless and Amazon. I'm mostly done with Christmas shopping, so I'd just be buying stuff for myself but I made a rule that I'm not allowed to buy myself anything until after Christmas. I made this rule last week when I saw Threadless was having a $5 shirt sale and I was all, "OH MY GOD MUST BUY ALL SHIRTS BLAAARG!" Once I calmed down I realized that this is the time of year for buying gifts for OTHERS, not myself, and that Threadless will have another sale in a couple months and I can buy myself all the shirts I want, provided I still have money/a job. Fingers crossed!

I wish turkey only cost a nickel

Linus is so full of shit.

Happy Thanksgiving, Internets. I hope you eat turkey until your stomach explodes.

Not really. That'd be messy. And gross. See (WARNING: do not watch while eating):

now is the time when I babble about TV

Last night, I caught up on some Grey's Anatomy and . . . yeah. Um. Show? What are you doing? I tried to explain part of one episode to Joe and it went something like this:

Me: So I was watching Grey's Anatomy?
Him: Why?
Me: Shut up. And guess who was on it?
Him: Who?
Me: Jeremy! From Sports Night!
Him: No way!
Me: Yeah. But it was not a very good storyline.
Him: Oh yeah?
Me: Yeah. His wife had a pimple and thought it was a Staph infection . . .
Him: Sure.
Me: And so she bought these antibiotics from the internet and the antibiotics killed off all the good bacteria in her body or something and Jeremy was her husband.
Him: OK.
Me: And so she could get back some of the good bacteria she had to have a poop transplant.
Him: A poop transplant?
Me: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Him: A POOP transplant?!
Me: AHAHAHAHAHA.
Him: Um.
Me: Ahahahahahahah poop.

And then I tried to explain what was going on with Izzy, because she's banging her dead fiance, which is totally rude because she's dating Alex now. Kat tells me that General Hospital did the exact same storyline and Izzy has a brain tumor. I assume this is for the writer-bashing Katherine Heigl did during the last Emmy season. I'm also guessing that the writers have no idea what to do with her character anymore. Remember when Izzy was likable? Before she went crazy and started killing her fiance and stealing hearts and sleeping with her gay BFF? Yeah, me neither.

ALSO. The interns tried to take out Vaughn's evil wife's appendix. I don't really have an opinion of her on Grey's because of Alias. I keep expecting her to go rogue, put on some black eyeliner, bang Sark, and start torturing the other doctors. That hasn't happened, though. YET. She's still recovering from almost dying so she can't get up to any shenanigans at the moment.

It turns out that's all I have to say about TV right now. Carry on.

Pills?! Jessie, you really are taking drugs?

I had a mini-freakout earlier when I realized THERE'S NO TIME THERE'S NEVER ANY TIME I DON'T HAVE TIME TO STUDY I'LL NEVER GET INTO STANFORD because OH MY GOD THERE'S NO TIME THERE'S NEVER ANY TIME I DON'T HAVE TIME TO STUDY I'LL NEVER GET INTO STANFORD. Then I made a To Do list and I calmed down. That always helps. When I'm particularly stressed, my purse and desk are littered with half-completed To Do lists.

The scariest To Do list I ever saw belonged to Tamara. It was the one she made right before her wedding of everything she had left to do. It was on a piece of computer paper with the tiniest handwriting you've ever seen and she'd written a billion things on it. No lie. There were a billion. I counted.

My To Do lists are not that scary, and all the tasks are relatively easy, but they'd be a lot easier if I could do them all during work hours. Unfortunately, I haven't figured out how to pack from the office, because I haven't fully utilized my mind powers yet, so I can't. Also, it's far too early to pack, but if I could just get that out of the way, I'd feel so much better.

The packing is for a work trip and then a fun trip, which happen to be separated by fewer than 12 hours. Why I think this is possible and that I no longer need to sleep, um, at all, is beyond me. I actually think it will work out fine, but whenever I try to tell my brain that, it FREAKS THE FUCK OUT and then I have to spend precious time killing it softly with alcohol.

Add all of this to the stupid NaBloMe blog-every-single-day thing and even the alcohol wasn't working. Then I remembered that next week isn't November anymore, so I could totally quit my blog for all of December like I did last year. I'm not saying I will, but I'm saying I could. I could do a lot of things. Like, I could build a teleporter to bypass all my traveling woes, but it's not on my To Do list so I'm afraid that will have to wait.

Beatrice, Part 4

I was going to write a proper entry, but I'm still pretty tired from The Weekend of Awesome, so you'll just have to live with more fictional babbling about time-traveling dinosaurs. Also, I didn't edit this and really have no idea what it says. Sorrrrrrryyyyyyyyyy!

[Part 1, Part 2, Part 3]

The pair continued down the sidewalk, skipping around adults in their path. Beatrice hoped Bill could keep up. She also hoped he wouldn't get angry and leave her here by herself. Although, she supposed she wasn't technically by herself, since she was with Georgina and soon to be with Georgina's brother, but still. She didn't fancy being left in the future without any money or a place to stay. She didn't really think Bill would leave her alone here, but he had threatened before. It was so easy to get him cross with her. Even she didn't know how she did it on such a regular basis. Luckily, it was fairly easy to calm him down. Usually it just took some Earl Grey tea and a couple of biscuits.

"Oh, there's my brother!" shouted Georgina, as they approached a bright pink building. "Bernard! Bernard, over here!"

She ran toward the building, waving her arms wildly and tripping over her own feet. A small boy of about six was walking carefully down the giant steps in front of the building, clutching the handrail for dear life. He held a small, green lunchbox in one hand and his backpack appeared to be almost as big as he was. His skinny legs stuck out from his knee-length shorts and his white button-down shirt hung almost as long. His eyebrows were narrowed in concentration as he watched the number of steps left decrease, and when he got to the bottom, he heaved a sigh of relief and readjusted his backpack. He finally looked up and glimpsed his sister, running haphazardly toward him, and his face broke into a huge smile.

"Georgina!" he yelled, and ran toward her, also tripping over his own feet. "I'm so glad you're here." Beatrice and Bill brought up the rear and when they'd gotten to the reuniting siblings, Bernard gave them (ok, just Beatrice) a quizzical look. "Who are you?"

"Bernard, this is Beatrice, Beatrice, this is Bernard," said Georgina.

"What is she doing here?" Bernard asked Georgina.

"Bernard, don't be rude," she answered.

"Hey, Bernie!" shouted Beatrice. She grabbed his hand and shook with such might that the poor boy almost toppled over. "Nice to meet you."

"Likewise," said Bernard. "But my name is Bernard."

"Oh, but that's so stuffy," said Beatrice. "Bernie suits you much better." Bernard scowled at Beatrice and turned back to Georgina.

"Georgina. Guess what we did at school today?" said Bernard.

"What's that?" asked Georgina.

"We got to write our own stories!" he shouted, pulling out a wad of papers from his bag.

"Oh, my!" cried Georgina. "Whatever did you write about?"

"Time travel!" shouted Bernard, and Beatrice thought she heard an audible dinosaur gulp from behind her.

"Time travel again?" asked Georgina. She scrunched up her face and bit her lip. "What's with you and time travel?"

"Oh, Georgie," said Bernard. He tapped his foot and readjusted his bookbag again. "You KNOW I'm inventing a time machine."

"Oh, of COURSE, how silly of me to forget." Georgina reached out a slim hand and tussled Bernard's mop of dirty blond hair. He swatted her hand away and crossed his arms defiantly, scowling at his sister. She tickled him in one armpit and before he squirmed away, Beatrice saw one side of his mouth reach up for a smile. Georgina must have noticed it too, because she lunged after Bernard and started tickling him even more. He started laughing and fell back against the step railing, trying to fight off his sister's long arms, to no avail.

"Geor --," he gasped. "Georgina, STOP IT." His face was red with laughter. He looked almost angry, but anyone looking in his eyes could tell he was having a good time.

"OK, OK," said Georgina. "But don't be such a sourpuss."

"I am not a sourpuss," said Bernard. "I just get cross sometimes."

"Sourpuss."

"Puke brain!" Bernard shouted, and started running down the sidewalk.

"Oh, now you've done it," shouted Georgina, and took off after him. Bernard put his whole body into the run, stretching his skinny legs and pumping his arms vigorously. His backpack lifted in the air with each step he took, then slammed back down on his lower back. He grasped one of the straps with one hand and the other arm started pumping even harder. His shoelaces, untied, flopped against the sidewalk as each shoe slapped the ground. Beatrice was afraid he was going to trip over his runaway shoelaces, but her fear lifted when she realized he was running so fast he actually appeared to be floating above the ground. She'd never seen anyone run so fast, or so gracefully.

Until she looked at Georgina, and she realized that Georgina seemed to be putting no effort into her running. Her willowy arms barely moved from their crooked position at her sides, and her long legs ate up the sidewalk. Her auburn hair floated behind her like a cape and if Beatrice was completely honest with herself, Georgina did resemble a bit of a superhero. Faster than a speeding bullet, indeed.

"Perhaps you want to catch up," whispered Bill from her. Bill nudged her with his snout (she thought) and she took off. She wasn't nearly as fast, or as graceful, as Bernard and Georgina, but she caught up with them once they stopped for breath. Actually, they weren't breathing that hard for having just run full-out for so long. She couldn't help but be a bit jealous of their superior running skills, but she was fairly certain they didn't have their own time-traveling dinosaur.

"You guys are so fast!" said Beatrice, once she'd caught her breath. "I'm glad you stopped, I'd have never caught up."

"Yeah, you're pretty slow," said Bernard.

"Bernard!" scolded Georgina. "Don't be rude to our new friend."

"YOUR new friend," Bernard muttered. Georgina shook her head and smiled.

"He's a bit grumpy because we haven't had our snacks yet," she explained. "Would you like to come over? And we can go to the London Eye after tea?" Beatrice frowned. Bill was not going to be happy, but she couldn't discuss this with him at the moment, and her new friends would think it odd if she decided not to go with them.

"Sure, I'd love to," said Beatrice. She felt Bill stomp the ground behind her. She knew he wasn't angry that she was going to tea, but that he wouldn't be able to partake in the biscuits they'd probably be eating. She thought that was probably a good thing. He'd been getting a little chunky on his nearly-all-biscuit diet, so chunky that his vest didn't button and every time they time-traveled, she was afraid he wouldn't be able to work up the momentum.

"Do you live far from here?" asked Beatrice. It wasn't that she didn't want to go to tea with her new friends, but she was worried that they wouldn't have time to go to the London Eye before she and Bill had to go back home. If she wasn't home by supper, her parents would worry. They were going out tonight, of course, but they thought it important that she eat at the same time each day, even though they rarely ate with her.

"Not far," said Georgina. She motioned toward a grove of trees. "We live just beyond that park up there."

"Of course, if you don't have time to come over, we understand," said Bernard. "We'll be sad, but we'll get over it."

"Bernard!" shouted Georgina. "Stop being such a little butthead."

"I'm not!" Bernard glared up at his sister. "But why do you always invite random strangers over to our house? You know mum and dad don't like it."

"Well, mum and dad aren't home, now are they?" Georgina crossed her arms. "Please be nice."

"Are you sure it's alright for me to come over?" asked Beatrice. "Your parents won't be angry?"

"Oh, don't worry," said Georgina. "They're out of town. Our nanny is the only one home right now and she doesn't mind visitors. She loves them, actually."

"Great!" Beatrice smiled. "Shall we go, then? I hope we have time for the London Eye, still."

"Oh, we do," said Beatrice. "Don't you worry about that."

The trio (and an invisible Bill) began walking at a casual pace. The wind was blowing gently and Beatrice pulled her long hair back into a ponytail, fastening it all together with the hair tie she always had on her wrist for just such occasions. Her hair was always in her face and it drove her mother bonkers. She often threatened to cut it all off, but Beatrice got her to relent and let her hair stay long by crying about how she didn't want to look like a boy. Her mother never had the energy to argue with her for long.

Soon Bernard tired of their casual pace and picked up speed. This time Georgina, instead of running after him to catch up, hung back with Beatrice. Beatrice was glad, because (and she would never admit this to Bill) time travel tired her quite a bit more than she'd like. She always intended to stay awake for days and days on their time traveling trips, but she tired after just a few hours. She was happy to be taking a break at Georgina's, even if it meant eating up precious London Eye time.

"I don't know why he always insists on running everywhere," said Georgina. "He always gets so tired afterward. I swear, if we'd let him to go bed right after school, he would go willingly."

"That's so funny . . . Georgina?" Beatrice began.

"Yes, Beatrice?"

"Why weren't you in school today? You picked Bernard up from school, but why weren't you already there?" Beatrice asked.

"Well, why weren't you in school, Beatrice?" Georgina asked. Beatrice gulped. She had no good answer for this, not even knowing the name of the schools here in the future, or what time they released students.

"I asked you first," said Beatrice.

"OK, fine. The reason I wasn't in school was because I needed to meet you on your way into town," she said.

"But . . . you didn't even know me before I met you this afternoon," said Beatrice.

"Oh, Beatrice. My nanny told me you were coming," she said.

"But how could she possibly know that?" asked Beatrice.

"Because she's Bill's sister."

Beatrice stopped right there in the middle of the sidewalk. Bill bumped into her and she almost fell over, but she regained her footing. She was ready to run the opposite direction and she could tell Bill was, too.

"Calm down, Beatrice, it's not a big deal. Tell Bill not to uninvisible himself yet, though . . . don't want to cause a scene here in the middle of the street," said Georgina.

"Hang on a second!" shouted Beatrice. "I have some questions, you know."

"I know you do, Beatrice, but they'll have to wait until we get to my house," said Georgina. "Betty is waiting and she gets very cross when we're late. Especially since she knows you and Bill are on the way."

"What if Bill doesn't want to see Betty? Did you ever think of that?" asked Beatrice.

"I do want to see Betty," said Bill from behind her. It was always strange to hear a voice come from nowhere, no matter how many times she heard it. "It's been so long."

"Hello, Bill," said Georgina. "Nice to meet you sort of."

"Likewise, dear," said Bill, and Beatrice just bet he was bowing. "Shall we get moving? Your charming little brother must be there already."

"Good idea," said Georgina. "Let's get going."

annyong

Dear Internets,

I am sleepy. It was an eventful weekend and I need a nap. So instead of writing anything, you should watch this clip. Actually, I wish you'd watched it a couple of years ago on TV so the show wouldn't have gotten canceled, but you know . . . whatever. I forgive you.

Pushing Daisies, though. I can't forgive you for not watching that.

couple things

• BW3's Wild sauce? Very spicy. Also, makes my tummy hurt. But I'd totally eat it again because OH MY GOD YUM
• I still remember college drinking games
• Heidi made up her own drinking game and it was way better than any other game I've ever played
• My voice is scratchy today from all the yelling and laughing last night
  
• I'm excited to do it all over again tonight

Happy Saturday, Internets. I have to go get ready for a wedding now.

It's a good day, too. I'm wearing my mustard shirt.

OH MY GOD, YOU GUYS, I'm so excited. I wish work was over. Unfortunately, it's not. Not even close. But whatever, we have beloved friends visiting tonight and there will be food and drinking and FUN, but hopefully no bar fights*.

Did you know it snowed yesterday? Well, it snowed yesterday and everyone forgot how to drive. Heidi explained to me that it's because a lot of people in Ohio are Republicans and Republicans are bad drivers. I never knew I was a Republican. Zing! Anyway.

Last night, while I was waiting for Heidi to get home, I did a bit of cleaning for our guests. Nothing extravagant like cleaning the bathroom (crazy), but vacuuming and cleaning Phoebe's litter box so it didn't smell like poo. Did I tell you I bought Phoebe a fancy, new litter box? It's one of those that has a little walkway and it's all inside an igloo, because I was tired of seeing her poo. Because, see, she doesn't always cover it up very well. Wow, anyway. I bought her this new one and I think she was really confused, because for a while, she wouldn't use it. So I took the lid off of it for a couple of days and then she used it and then I put the lid back on, but I wasn't sure if she was using it because she's not very smart. Maybe she just thought if the lid was on, the place to poo went away. You will never believe how happy I was yesterday when I lifted the lid and saw a bunch of turds. Joe called soon afterward and I was all, "Guess what! Phoebe pooped in her litter box!" and he was like, "Great, I just called to tell you about the CD I just found OK bye!"

You know, I think that's the greatest story I've ever told on a blog EVER. Speaking of blogging, today marks my fifth anniversary of blogging. Not just on this blog, though. Also here and here. Good times. Oh, shit, I guess it was yesterday. Oops.

Where was I? OK, so I cleaned a bit. Not as much as I should have. This is what we did last night instead of cleaning our apartment for our beloved friends:

• went to Starbucks and got hot chocolate (OH MY GOD YUM)
• went to Target, where I spent a bajillion dollars on toiletries and such
• went to Papa Murphy's to use a coupon and buy delicious pizza
• discussed a text message to send a boy
• watched 30 Rock
• watched Ugly Betty
• watched The Office
• watched more 30 Rock
• oh, and planted seeds for a tiny Christmas tree

Target Dollar Spot strikes again! I hope it grows big and strong by Christmas. Joe made fun of me (standard) for buying a tiny Christmas tree, but when Heidi and I are rich because of our Christmas tree farm, he's gonna be so jealous.

*fun fact: I found this entry by searching my blog posts for "bar police mom"

If I advance any higher in this company, then this would be my career. And well, if this were my career I'd have to throw myself in front of a train.

I often worry that I'm not a good enough person. I think I'm a good person, despite all the cursing and the talk about punching babies. After all, it's mostly all talk. I'd never punch a baby in the face, unless I traveled back in time somehow and punched Baby Hitler in the face, but he's totally asking for it. No, I don't worry that I'm not a good person, I worry that I'm not a good ENOUGH person. I worry that I'm not living up to my full potential, and that, even though I volunteer a couple days a month, I feel like I could be doing more for people.

I got kind of bummed this morning. It's becoming more and more obvious that, once we've converted all of our software and our company is officially taken over by the new one, my job will be all but obsolete. The thought of not having this job anymore doesn't really depress me, the thought of having NO job depresses me. This job is not as challenging as I thought it'd be when I started, or maybe I've gone as far as I can here, so the whole losing-my-job thing would be a good thing. Except, that not-having-any-money thing would kind of suck. And finding a new job has been a lot harder than I thought it would be. I mean, HELLO, why do they not recognize that I have super awesome skills (not just mean internet-surfing skills) and ALSO I would entertain them with funny stories and sarcastic comments on a daily basis, MUCH like a class clown. Or court jester. One of those.

A lot of the times, I think about doing something and then come up with a long list of reason why NOT to do it. I would like to stop this. The next time someone says they're having a James Bond movie night and I have a math test the next day (wtf?) I'm going to say, "Fuck the math, I'll be there." And the next time I see a job and think, "That sounds awesome, but I'm not sure I'm qualified," I'm going to say, "Fuck the qualifications, I'm applying anyway."

If they call me for an interview, though, I'm going to try not to say fuck in front of them.

they call me The Jackal

Did you know that Thanksgiving is next week? Well, Thanksgiving is next week. I'm not doing anything crazy this Thanksgiving, like running a race or driving 896 hours to DC, because I'm working the day after Thanksgiving. I'm OK with this (no, I'm not fuckshitdamn). I am, however, attempting the unimaginable. I'm cooking something for Thanksgiving dinner.

DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUUUUN!

Alright, FINE, I'm only making the green bean casserole. And for some reason my mom already bought all the ingredients, so I just have to go over and mix them all together. I realize green bean casserole is like, the easiest thing EVER to make, but last time I asked if I could make anything, I was put in charge of bringing the rolls. Bring them I did, and they were delicious, but I wanted a bit more responsibility this year, especially since I will most likely end up eating at least half of the mashed potatoes.

Speaking of food, I forgot it's the time of year where I eat nonstop. Crap. Like, yesterday, we had a carry in for someone's birthday. I brought macaroni salad (bought, not made), and there were deviled eggs and appetizers and fruit and BBQ chicken and OH MY GOD the best broccoli cheese soup I have ever had in my entire life. Today my boss is ordering pizza for lunch and I'm going to try and avoid it since I had pizza for dinner last night, but if it's really good pizza, I'm not sure I'll be able to. There are also leftover bagels and muffins that we stole from the IT department's meeting yesterday. What, it's not like they were going to eat it. They don't even eat. They survive on coffee and cigarettes.

My point is, I picked a bad week to forget to work out. (Forget, heh.) So I should probably do that tonight. And tomorrow. And then it's the weekend, so all bets are off, because my friends will be here and, this is just a guess, but I think they'll want to do all manner of unhealthy things, what with the eating good food and drinking good booze and . . . that's pretty much it. I'll barely have time to sleep, let alone work out. Please. Priorities, people.

If I were joking, you'd be laughing. Do you look like you're laughing?

Yesterday morning, I had this conversation with my boss:

Boss: How was your weekend?
Me: Good. Yours?
Boss: Oh, fine. I love your hair color.
Me: Thanks?
Boss: Is that your natural color?
Me: Yeah.
Boss: It's very pretty. I used to have pretty hair like that.

Does that sound weird? What if I told you my boss was a man? I mean, I'd be lying if I said that, but it would be weird, right? If my boss was a man? And told me I had pretty hair? Anyway. Moving on.

This morning, there were some of those tiny, chocolate donuts sitting on the counter. This counter is where all the free-for-all food goes. Some mornings there is banana bread! Other mornings there are muffins. Sometimes a bag of McDonald's breakfast sandwiches is sitting there and SOME MORNINGS a bag of chocolate chip cookies is sitting there. Like yesterday. Yesterday there were chocolate chip cookies. When there are cookies on the counter in the morning, we call them breakfast cookies and eat them for breakfast and since we call them breakfast cookies they are healthy. It's true. SCIENCE.

Right, so, there were tiny donuts. And I had no idea where they came from and I don't even particularly LIKE these tiny, chocolate donuts (the taste, it has a hint of plastic) but I ate one anyway. And then it occurred to me. I had no idea who'd put the donuts there. No one ever knows where the food on the free-for-all counter comes from. These donuts could have been planted by an evil evil-doer planning to do evil by...I don't know, poisoning the HR department. That'd be pretty evil. Plus, lots of people want to poison us right now on account of it's open enrollment and IT'S ALL OUR FAULT THAT BENEFITS COST SO MUCH. Ahem. Then I decided I didn't really care if the food was poisoned and had another donut.

You guys, this is the longest week ever and I know I say that every week but this time I mean it. I have volunteering tonight and at some point this week I really need to get an oil change (my car needs lubed something fierce) and I need to get a wedding card because, oh, did I tell you? I'm going to another wedding this weekend! This is good, though, because lots and lots of friends are going, too, and faraway friends are coming to visit and this doesn't happen nearly often enough. I may need all of next week to recover from their visit, so it's a good thing that A) next week is Thanksgiving week and B) I did not do anything stupid like agree to run a 5 mile race at 8 AM. It's not often I make good decisions, so I'm relishing the one I made to NOT run for a while. Especially since I think Jillian Michaels fucked up my knee.

Guitar Hero: World Tour vs. Rock Band

I briefly discussed my feelings about Rock Band vs. World Tour the other day, but Shari is asking me to make a decision (dammit!) because she is tasked with choosing one AND ONLY ONE to buy for her kids for Christmas. This is difficult, because, well, I've only played World Tour once. But I'll do my best. Keep in mind, I am not an expert, I just really enjoy pretending I'm in a rock band. And I did some research, both HANDS ON and also with the whole reading thing.

First, let's discuss the track lists.

Rock Band: These plus five others, "Roxanne" by The Police, "Roam" by the B-52s, "Dirty Little Secret" by the All-American Rejects, "Don't Look Back in Anger" by Oasis, and "Rockaway Beach" by The Ramones. Plus, you can buy this disc of extras.

World Tour: These.

Songs from Rock Band I Couldn't Live Without: Don't Look Back in Anger, Don't Fear the Reaper, Wanted Dead or Alive, Orange Crush, Say it Ain't So, Creep, Here it Goes Again, Dani California

Songs from World Tour I Couldn't Live Without: No Sleep Til Brooklyn, Livin' on a Prayer, One Way or Another, Hotel California, The Wind Cries Mary, Beat It, Float On, The Joker, Eye of the Tiger

Advantage: TIE

Now, let's talk about instruments.

Rock Band: When you buy Rock Band, you get a set of drums (plus drumsticks, obviously), a guitar, and a microphone. Here's the kicker. If you already have a guitar, say, for regular old Guitar Hero, it doesn't work with Rock Band which is a total fucking ripoff. I have strong feelings about this. I realize they are two separate game systems and are in competition with one another, but if that's the case then Rock Band should come with two guitars. Or a guitar and a bass, if you will. Because, you see, Rock Band costs $180 or so. Anyway. The drum kit has four different colored pads, as well as a pedal. I'm not sure what the pads are made of, but they are really loud when you hit them. I suppose you don't NEED to hit them as hard as I do, but I feel like the true drumming experience calls for enthusiastic drumming, yes? Yes. You can buy drum silencers, but you just spent a billion dollars on this game, do you really want to spend more?

World Tour: The World Tour kit comes with a set of drums, a guitar, and a microphone, just like Rock Band, BUT if you already have a guitar for Guitar Hero, it works for World Tour as well. However, hopefully you have enough Wiimotes for all the instruments. You'll need one for the drums, one for the microphone, and one for each guitar. So plan ahead. I'd say it's kind of a bummer to have to buy extra Wiimotes, but if you have a lot of people playing any game on the Wii, it's nice to have extras Wiimotes and nunchucks. Also! The drums are much quieter when you hit them, plus there are cymbals.

Advantage: World Tour

Both games are fairly easy to play, with varying degrees of difficulty. You can play on Easy, Medium, Hard, or Expert on Rock Band. I believe it's the same on World Tour, except they have a Beginner function that's even easier than Easy. Which is pretty damn easy, I have to say.

Advantage: World Tour

The overall experience is really the important thing, but that's where I have a bit of trouble because I've only played World Tour once.

Rock Band: Basically, you create a rock band (duh), name it, and go on tour. Songs are split into groups of four (I think) and you have to beat three out of four to move onto the next group. Also, there are bonus songs. I've never played until you get to the very end, but I'm assuming you get showered with money and naked ladies or something. You can play the game with just the drums, singer, and guitar, but it's really more fun with guitar and bass because more people can play. This means, of course, buying that extra guitar.

World Tour: Same as Rock Band, really, only you play gigs. Each gig has two songs. With both Rock Band and World Tour, once you open up the songs, you can play them whenever you want. Again, the nice thing about World Tour is you don't have to worry about buying an extra guitar (if you already have one for Guitar Hero), so more people can play and it's win-win-win all around. Plus, the drums are way better.

Advantage: World Tour

VERDICT: It looks like World Tour is the winner, based on the above. After we played World Tour on Friday, I was still partial to Rock Band, but the more I think about it and the more I look into it, it seems like World Tour is the way to go. If someone gave me $200 bucks and I had to buy one or the other RIGHT NOW, I'd buy World Tour. At least until they come out with a new and improved version of Rock Band. Really, it's just a matter of preference. Both are excellent games that will give you hours and hours of fun times (or keep your kids occupied for hours and hours, leaving you alone to have your own hours and hours of fun times).

WARNING: this is written by Joe. Not Jennie. It could get confusing, is all. You'll see.

So I don't know about you, Internets, but this weekend has been pretty spectacular. Friday night, Heidi and I went to a slumber party at our friend, Nancy's. That's right, a SLUMBER PARTY. We played Rock Band and the new Guitar Hero and I totally rocked the shit out of the Bon Jovi classic, "Livin' On A Prayer." Seriously. It was epic. I almost lost my voice in the process, but it was worth it. Anything for the Rock Band. After we were done with that, we all (there were many of us, not just Heidi and I and Nancy) stripped down to our underwear and whispered secrets in each other's ears (Whitney told me the dirtiest thing I will ever hear in my life). Then we practiced french kissing before having a tickle fight and passing out in each other's arms. Also, we'd been drinking a lot. It was awesome-tastic.

On Saturday, Joe and I hung out and played Guitar Hero until our fingers cramped up, which for me was not long, but GUESS WHAT! I got a PERFECT SCORE on the song "My Name is Jonas" by Weezer. IT WAS AMAZING. Here, I'll prove it to you:



See? It was so amazing that we took a picture of it. Then we went to Los Tres Amigos (which is Spanish for 'The Three Amigos') for dinner. Sadly, Steve Martin, Chevy Chase, and Martin Short were not there, but there was a girl there at the table next to ours who was doing tequila shots. By herself. With her dinner. She was with a friend, but her friend was not drinking. It was incredibly weird, and very entertaining. Also, they were talking about Futurama for some reason. Yeah, we eavesdropped. What, you got a problem with that? I thought not. After dinner we went back to Joe's apartment and watched Edward Scissorhands, which Joe had never seen and which we both thoroughly enjoyed.

This afternoon I had a pile of laundry on my bed, and Phoebe curled up into a ball in the middle of it, and it was adorable, and Phoebe doesn't do adorable things very often (usually she just pees on your bed and then looks at you like you were asking for it), so I took a picture of that, too. If you're good I'll share it with you. Okay, you're good, I'll share it.



See? Adorable. It's moments like that that I feel bad for constantly hating her, but I only do it because I know she constantly hates me, too. We have a good relationship. Also, Joe and I have been dating for five months and two days. So yay for that.

Happy Sunday, Internets.

Long Island iced teas are way stronger in Canada

Last night, Whitney was in town which was GOOD because she lives in Chicago and we don't get to see her often enough. But she had to go back this morning to go to a bowling party for a four-year-old which is BAD on soooo many levels.

We spent our time wisely, though, drinking wine and eating Penn Station, for you see, there are no Penn Stations in Chicago so that is Whitney's food of choice whenever she's in town. This is obviously fine with me, as the young men at the Penn Station by our apartment know Heidi and I by name.

And then, of course, there was Wii. We began with Rock Band but Nancy soon wanted to open her newly purchased Guitar Hero: World Tour. We played that for a while, and I'm still not sure which I prefer: Rock Band or World Tour. The drums on World Tour are FAR, FAR superior and the songs are very good. I almost lost my voice belting out "Livin' on a Prayer" and was the only one who knew "Some Might Say," although there were technical difficulties when I tried to sing "One Way Or Another" (the microphone was plugged into the wrong hole HAHATHAT'SWHATSHESAID).

But. While the instruments on World Tour are better (the guitar has a slide thingie and I don't know how to use it or anything, but I'd imagine it'd be fun for more experienced users), I prefer the layout of the actual Rock Band game. I think I'd recommend waiting for the next wave of World Tour, whenever that may be, before buying the first version. I'm sure they'll be making improvements.

Plus, Nancy has this WHOLE OTHER Rock Band song list that included "More Than a Feeling" and "All the Small Things." Hello, that's awesome.

I didn't mean for this to turn into a commercial for Wii, but I can't help it. Sorry, but deal with it. It's Saturday, what do you want from me? I managed to do a load of laundry so far today PLUS ALSO enroll in my benefits for next year. This is good, because we're running a report at work on Monday to see what lazy employees haven't enrolled yet, and I'd hate to be the only slacker HR lackey on there. Close call.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go make a grilled cheese sandwich and then maybe JUST MAYBE play some Guitar Hero. Good day to you, Internets.

I SAID GOOD DAY.

I don't even know, you guys

You know, earlier I was looking at my shoes and I realized they look sort of like Pilgrim shoes. Like, if I was going to dress up like a Pilgrim, and I could only use materials that I already owned, I would definitely wear these shoes. You might be asking yourself, "But Jennie, why would you ever want to dress up like a Pilgrim?" and I am here to tell you . . . I don't know. But I'm sure there are occasions to dress up like Pilgrim. Let's see. There's Halloween, for sure. I know Halloween is over, but it's never too early to start planning for next year. Or perhaps your family is totally weird and you dress up like Pilgrims and Indians for Thanksgiving. That could be fun, actually, but make sure it's accurate. After the Thanksgiving meal, you should kill a couple of the Indians by giving them smallpox or something. Just make sure one of your least favorite relatives dresses up like an Indian. That way you wouldn't have to listen to Uncle Bob's stories about his spastic colon at Christmas, and that's beneficial to everyone.

You know, I actually have dressed up like a Pilgrim before. We had Pioneer Day once in 6th grade and I realize those aren't EXACTLY the same thing, but I'm not sure my teacher knew that. I distinctly remember making Pilgrim hats, and then wearing a long, flowy skirt and a really uncomfortable button-up shirt, so no one would think I was a witch (read: whore) and burn me at the stake. That would be uncomfortable.

ACTUALLY, I think my shoes look more like witch shoes. Plus, I have on striped socks, just like the Wicked Witch of the East wore when she got crushed by Dorothy's flying house. And I'm sort of mean, so it totally fits.

Five Movie Monsters That Have Given Me Nightmares

1. Reavers from Firefly/Serenity

I had a nightmare about them last night, actually. They are sort of like zombies, except they're still alive and they can fly spaceships and also they rape you. Basically, they're really fucking scary. Here is an explanation. WARNING: clip contains spoilers.

2. Gremlins from, duh, Gremlins

I realize this is not a particularly scary movie, but when it was released, I was two years old. My parents rented it at some point when I was very, very young and for some reason let me watch it and it gave me nightmares for years. Like, I was convinced they lived under my bed, but only when the lights were turned off.

3. gremlin thingie from Cat's Eye

Again, this movie isn't scary, but I saw it when I was really young and it warped me for life. I think that, basically, this family takes in a cat and the mom hates it because she thinks cats steal your breath (what?) and she thinks this cat is stealing her daughter's breath or something (again, huh?) BUT it turns out that what's really happening is that this gremlin thing comes in through the wall and steals the girl's breath. The cat fights it, though, proving that cats are not, in fact, always evil.

4. Zombies from, um, any zombie movie

You know this. I mean LOOK.

5. tiny gremlin things from The Gate

I don't remember much about this movie, except these kids dig a huge hole or something in their backyard and evil things from the Hellmouth come out and try and sacrifice them or something. I don't know where the parents are. The only other thing I remember is that, at one point, an eyeball grows in this kid's hand and he stabs it with a piece of glass. That whole movie fucked me up. I saw it when I was like 8 WHY I DON'T KNOW. Hey LOOK, here's a clip. Wow, that movie looks awful. I kind of want to see it again.

BONUS: This isn't from a movie, but I used to have nightmares about pandas. They lived under my bed and would reach up from under, and they had glowing red eyes and long, sharp claws. Yeah, I don't know why.

So, basically, it seems like I mostly have a problem with zombies, zombie-like creatures, and gremlins. Good to know.

fake it til you make it

I had to take a math test this morning. And then I got a flu shot. BEST. DAY. EVER. There was also an aptitude test (not attitude, unfortunately) and that part was fine. "What letter comes next in this sequence?" they asked. "Q!" I shouted. The test administrator asked me not to shout during the testing process. Then during the math portion, he asked me to stop crying and throwing things.

I was in all the smart math classes in school, but I never really understood what I was doing. I have a good memory so I'd memorize how all the homework problems were done, and then I'd skate through the tests with my sweet memorization skills. But I had no idea WHY you multiplied the square root of your butt by X. It's sort of like when you teach a little kid to swear. Sure, they can pronounce the words correctly but they don't know what they're doing. And unless you show them how, they'll never know how to combine those swear words for maximum hilarity (see: poohead buttshits).

Last night, I missed watching James Bond (in Blu Ray, which is apparently better than HD, but I wouldn't know, wah wah) because I needed to go over the test math problems they'd provided. These are the text messages I sent as I tried to work the problems:

I can't do math and I'm getting frustrated! (this was to Joe, who edits math textbooks, and who came over to help me when I threatened to cry)

I HAVE TO TAKE A MATH TEST TOMORROW AND I CAN'T REMEMBER ALGEBRA.

Math is a fuckstick.

And as I sat there with my head in my hands, trying to set the fake test on fire with my eyes, I was reminded of all those weeknights my dad would sit with me and help me with my math homework. I'd get frustrated then, too. I get frustrated with anything I can't do perfectly right away THEREFORE I get frustrated a lot. Here is how most of those evenings would go:

Me: UUUGGHHHH! THIS IS STUPID.
Dad: What's wrong?
Me: I can't do this problem!
Dad: Let me show you how to do it.
Me: I don't need help!
Dad: Jennie . . .
Me: Fine.
Dad: See, you do this and this and blah blah blah the answer is 6.
Me: I don't get it AND I'M NEVER GOING TO USE THIS.
Dad: Yes, you will.
Me: Math sucks.
Dad: I know.
Me: Waaaaaaaaaah.
Dad: Try this one.
Me: OK.
Dad: There, see, you did it.

And then I'd try another one and start crying when I couldn't figure it out. I felt confident that I'd never, ever need algebra again and I would yell and yell about that instead of actually doing the problem, while my dad would explain that YES, YES I WOULD NEED ALGEBRA STOP BEING SUCH A WHINY BRAT. It turns out we were both right (about the math part, only my dad was right about the whiny brat part). I haven't really needed math since college. Until now, when I needed it this morning AND IT WASN'T THERE. Plus, they wouldn't let me use a calculator. What kind of fucked up shit is that?

just in cases

I don't want to forget to tell you guys about this when I SURELY remember to blog FOR REALSIES later today, but OH MY GOD YOU GUYS, look at this:

CLICK THIS NOW. Seriously.

Did you hear that? That was my mind blowing.

You guys. I just got gas for under $20! And my car was on empty! Sure, my car is tiny and the total was $19.19 but last time I checked, $19.19 is still under $20, so suck it, haters.

I don't know why, but ever since the time changed, I've been wanting to go to bed earlier and earlier. Like, the other night, I looked outside and saw it was all dark and thought, "I should get ready for bed soon." It was 7:30.

Today has been a good day, food-wise. And since it's Monday and I'm at work, I would like to focus on the food goodness, not the work suckness. One of my coworkers likes to get up at the asscrack of dawn and bake before work. This is completely unreal to me. I get out of bed no earlier than I absolutely have to. I've tried, but it makes me want to die. Even at my old job, there were days I wouldn't have to be at work until like 11 or noon, and I'd still sleep as late as possible. I'd just stay up later. I'm a night owl. Hooooo hoooooooo. Wow. Although, seeing as how I'm trying to go to bed at 7:30, maybe I'm less of a night owl and more of a Rip Van Winkle. Or something. I don't know.

Aaaaanyway, so this lady brought in pumpkin bread this morning. It was delicious, although at first, I thought it was banana bread so that first bite was all sorts of confusing. Sort of like when you think you have a glass of water in front of you, but you take a drink and it's straight vodka. It happens. I saw it once.

Then I remembered that it's Free Cookie Monday at Subway, so that's what I'm doing right now. Free cookies taste so much better than cookies you have to pay for. It's economics or something.

bloo dee bloo bloo

Every time I turn on TV Land, Third Rock from the Sun is on. It's bizarre. Isn't TV Land only supposed to show, like, I Love Lucy 24 hours a day?

I made up for all my productivity yesterday, what with the book-buying and the working out and the showering, by doing absolutely nothing today. I did manage to shower, but only because I'm supposed to go to dinner with Joe and his parents and a bit, and I didn't want to smell like booze.

The bachelorette party ended up being more bachelorette-y than we'd initially expected. The bride had said she didn't want to be out really late, so Heidi and I were expecting to be home somewhat early. This didn't happen, and as Heidi and I were halfway through our second pitcher, we realized that neither one of us could drive us back home. And so . . .

Joe to the rescue! Seriously, if anyone has any doubts that Joe is the nicest guy ever, he proved you wrong last night. You jerk. He drove 35 minutes to go pick us up at our old college bar, which was quickly turning into dance party central (there was even a line outside . . . and if you've seen this bar, you know how ridiculous that is), and then he drove us home while Heidi and I talked and giggled constantly (and loudly) the entire ride back.

I'm pretty sure Joe and I had this conversation a couple of times:

Me: Do I smell like smoke?
Joe: No, you smell like booze.
Me: So I don't smell like smoke?
Joe: No. You definitely smell like alcohol.
Me: Good. You're sure I don't smell like smoke?

So you see why showering was so important today. Now I should probably go get dressed. Bye, Internets. I hope you're having a good weekend.

I want to live in Effington

I feel like I've been so productive today. And it's only three! What other productivity lies in store for me today? No one knows! Except I do. Here is what I've done so far:

• Went to the market for breakfast
• Went to a book fair
  
• Got my hair cut
• Worked out
• showered

OK, I'm working on the shower. And later! Lampl, Heidi, and I will venture to our old stomping grounds to partake in beer! And possibly shots! Because it's a bachelorette party, and there always seem to be shots there. Also penises. And after that, who knows.

The market was way fun. We had pancakes and coffee. See:



The pancakes were free! With donation, anyway. Which is basically free. Then we saw a guy spinning pots. See:



It was very cool and I could have stood there all day and watched him, only then I wouldn't have gotten anything else done.

Then. THEN we went to the book fair. You guys, it was in this giant auditorium filled with tables! And the tables were filled with books! I would have taken a picture, only at first I was too excited and after a while my arms were too full of books to get my phone out. I sort of want to go back, because I feel like I missed buying a bunch of stuff I should probably buy. Like, right now I'm regretting not buying all of those old Berenstein Bears books. Sigh.

I got nothing

I felt bad about only posting the suck it letter today, so here is a video to melt your heart all over the damn place.

In other news, I can access the YouTubes at work now. What crazy world have I stumbled into?

You should check out The Collective sometime today. They're talking about poop cheese in the comments.

Dear job,

Suck it.

No love,

Jennie

deep thoughts

I've been watching a lot of TV lately. Here's the thing, though, I haven't really been watching that much NEW TV. It's mostly been TV shows on DVD, which is so much easier than watching stuff live. Not that TiVo lets us watch anything live anyway. Not when we can PAUSE REAL TIME MWAAHAAHAA!

Ahem. It's not to say I haven't still been watching new shows. Although I'm still behind on 30 Rock, I'm caught up on Pushing Daisies. And The Office.

(sidebar: Did The Office rip off 30 Rock last week? With Dwight wearing all the Cornell stuff? Like that dude wore the Harvard stuff on 30 Rock? I haven't actually seen that episode of 30 Rock so I'm not sure.)

I think I'm also behind on How I Met Your Mother. Um. I think that's all I watch. Until Lost starts, but even on that front, I'll totally watch the reruns if I catch them. I was watching it the other night and it was when they introduced the Tailies and I was all, "OMG, remember SHANNON?" and how she was banging Sayid? It was right after Boone died. I don't really remember. Anyway. Here are the shows I've been watching on DVD and also some thoughts:

Pushing Daisies: I was watching the new ones and Season 1 simultaneously, so I kept getting a bit confused about what happened when, but OH MY GOD YOU GUYS. I love this show. It makes me happy on my insides. I love every aspect of it, except that Ned and Chuck can't touch, yeah yeah yeah I KNOW that's important blah blah whatever. It doesn't stop me from loving the show, though, because you guys? There is a dog named Digby. And he is so cute. And when Kristen Chenowith made friends with a pig, she named it Pigby. How could you not love a show like that?

Chuck: I find this show enjoyable, but it frustrates me on a couple levels. I think, for the most part, the characters are all unique and hilarious and fun to watch. With the exception of one person, and that person is Sarah. This is a problem because she's like...one of the main characters. I don't really get why Chuck is all in love with her, because she's SO BLAND. Yeah, she's hot and could probably kill someone with her pinky, but YAAAAAAAAAWN. Also, and maybe this is because I watched the show all at once, I got so sick of the "will they won't they" Chuck/Sarah storyline. I know this is ridiculous, because that's half the reason I loved Alias so much, but...yeah, I think it's Sarah's fault. This one time Summer was on the show as Chuck's love interest and I really liked her. Because she had a personality. Anyway, if you ignore Sarah for the most part, the show is really good.

Firefly: I LOVED THIS SHOW. It was so fun. It was like cowboy pirates in space. I don't have much to say about this show, other than once we'd finished it and after we'd watched Serenity, I was sad there wasn't more to watch.

Sports Night: I've actually seen all of these episodes before, back when it was on TV all ahead of its time. I enjoy it. I heart the 90s fashions and it makes me wish Felicity Huffman's talent wasn't being wasted over on the set of Desperate Housewives. Get out, Felicity! Get out while you can!

The West Wing: Maybe it was because I was all inspired after the election, I don't know, but last night I really wanted to watch The West Wing. I never watched it when it was on because...I don't know. I forgot. I wish I'd watched it, though, IT'S AMAZING. I can see how it was a welcome escape through the Bush years. Jed Bartlet...that man gives good speech.

oh, what a beautiful morning

Good morning, Internets!

Four years ago, I woke up and immediately wanted to go back to sleep for four more years. This morning I'm exhausted from staying up to watch Obama speak and ALSO I was too excited to go to sleep, but I'm ecstatic. I've never voted for a winning president before. It feels nice.

As I was getting ready, I turned on CNN, just in cases, and poked my head out of my bedroom to talk to Heidi.

Me: Psst!
Heidi: Yeeees?
Me: Barack Obama still won.
Heidi: Oh good, I didn't dream it.
Me: I know. I turned on the news to make sure it wasn't a beautiful, beautiful dream.

Text messages I received last night:

I'm voting!

I'M SO EXCITED!

I am not joking when I say there is dancing in the streets of DC.

I am crying so hard.

Holey moley!

Whoo!

I think "Whoo!" sums it up nicely. Happy Wednesday.

liveblogging the election: bedtime

Jon Stewart told me the good news, and CNN and John McCain confirmed it. I'm going to bed and hoping for no hanging-chad-like surprises come morning.

Wow. Just . . . wow.

liveblogging the election: Fox News edition

Heidi: Brit Hume . . . or James Carville?
Me: At least James Carville is a Democrat.

I'm so glad it's almost time for the real news.

I think the real question is . . . Jon Stewart or Stephen Colbert?

(Jon Stewart)

OHIO!!!!!!!!!!!!

OH MY GOD YOU GUYS OHIO IS ALL BLUE AND NOT IN THE BAD DEPRESSING WAY BUT IN THE GOOD WAY! AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

This is so the opposite of last time.

Heidi: Ohio just BLUE my mind.

liveblogging the election: death is not an option

Heidi: Bax. Anderson Cooper or Brian Williams?
Me: Oooh, that's tough. Brian Williams.
Heidi: I'd go Anderson Cooper ... Steve?
Steve: Brian Williams!
Heidi: Um, no. Katie Couric or Campbell Brown?

So, Steve went gay. And then Joe made inappropriate comments about Soledad O'Brien and Campbell Brown mud-wrestling. Naked.

Steve: Best. Election Night. Ever.

liveblogging the election: Heidi just blue herself

Heidi is on the phone with her mom, who voted for McCain, telling her that she let her down. And me down. And all of womankind down. It's funny.

We started watching the coverage on CNN. And then we flipped it to Fox News, but no one was yelling so it wasn't as fun as I thought it'd be. Now we're watching Brian Williams because he's hot. We all agreed. We = Heidi, me, Steve, Joe, Phoebe.

The chili was a success. The cookies are cooling on the stove. So far, so good.

liveblogging the election: I am obnoxious

Conversations with my mother: email edition

Me: Are you aware that both of your daughters voted for Obama today?
Mom: Yes, I feel SOOO honored.
Me: You should! Was the line at your precinct long?
Mom: Yeah! Your dad and I waited an hour first thing this AM and the precinct across from my work is CRAZY!
Me: That’s insane. Heidi voted early on Saturday and waited for four hours. I thought that’d mean that today wouldn’t be as busy but I guess not!
Mom: Nope, that’s kind of what I thought too but it is not proving to be true! Have you voted yet?
Me: Yeah, I took my lunch early and went around 11. It was really busy there, but my precinct must be one of the smaller ones because there wasn’t much of a line.
Mom: Well, good, I guess! Even though you voted for Obama.
Me: I couldn’t vote for McCain in case he dies. Palin scares me.
Mom: Really, and Biden doesn’t?
Me: Nope. I want Palin to stay out of my uterus and my business.
Mom: No, kiddo, tell me how you REALLY feel!
Me: I don’t like her. The end. Heidi and I made chili for tonight. It’s a healthy recipe that we’re making in the crock pot. I’ll let you know how it turns out.
Mom: Okay, if it's good, you are REQUIRED to share the recipe!
Me: Well, I know you use ground turkey, and black beans instead of kidney beans, and those green chile things. And some other stuff, too.
Mom: That is so helpful dear!
Me: What, you need more details?
Mom: Ya think!?!?!

More details: here.

live blogging the election: VOTED!

I did it. You can do it, too. You know, if you're registered.

GO VOTE.

(Obama)

I AM SOFA KING NERVOUS

Hi, Internets. Did you vote yet? I hope so. Even if you voted for the wrong person (hee), I think it's important that you vote. At least then you can complain for the next four years if your candidate loses. Hell, you can complain for the next four years if your candidate wins. That's what's beautiful about this country -- you can complain as long and as loudly as you want and no one gives a shit. Hee.

I wish I'd gone to vote early this morning, because then I could be drinking free Starbucks right now. But that would have meant I needed to get up even earlier than I do already, and that thought makes me want to cry. So I'll go at lunch, and if there's a long line and I have to miss work, so be it. It's the least I can do for my country. Actually, the least I could do for my country would be to NOT vote, but again . . . see above, re: complaining.

Heidi and I ended up tossing out the "watching the returns from a bar" plan when I suggested we just make chili and invite people over. Dude, people love chili. Also, beer. And cornbread! Mmm, cornbread. I wish it was time for chili now because that would mean I'd already voted, work was over, and it was time for the results to start coming in.

We made the chili last night and it looks so good. I wish I could invite you guys over. I mean, if you want to travel all the way to Ohio, then go for it. The more the merrier. You know, just bring extra booze because we only have so much of it and I know how much some of you can drink. Heh. Heidi went to the grocery last night to buy another can of beans, because we were worried we wouldn't have enough, and while she was gone, I decided to dice the onion. First I had to Google "how to dice an onion," NOT that I couldn't have figured it out on my own, but I like to follow directions. That's a lie. I had no idea how to dice an onion, other than to start chopping the shit out of it with a knife. I had to take a couple breaks because it was making me CRY, CRY, CRY, sort of like how I cried four years ago when W was reelected. Once the crying stopped, my friend Katie called me from DC and the conversation went something like this:

Her: Hey.
Me: Hey. What are you doing?
Her: Oh, you know. I'm just standing in front of the White House. Staring.
Me: Yeah.
Her: The Metro was really quiet today.
Me: I'll bet.
Her: This sucks.
Me: Yeah. I'm gonna go back to sleep.
Her: OK.
Me: ...
Her: ...

It was a depressing day, is what I'm saying. Also, I live blogged the election last time. I might do it again this year. If I remember. Heidi, will you remind me? You know how my brain forgets things. It can be the "Jennie and Heidi live-blog the election show." We'll be famous. FAMOUSER. Anyway, where was I? Oh, right. Onions. They were making me cry. And when Heidi came home, she was all, "holy lord, it smells like an onion exploded in here," and she was right. Even this morning it still smelled like onions, despite the fact that I ran through the apartment spraying Oust everywhere and lighting candles and opening windows. Damn, Gina.

Last night, I also did the 30 Day Shred video again and didn't want to die quite as much as I did the first time. And I'm not as sore today as I was before, so . . . yay. And then I watched like four episodes of Lost because did you know they show it on Sci-fi now? Awesome. It still doesn't make any sense, but that's why I love that show. Also, Matthew Fox is hot, even though Jack is really annoying. My favorite one that was on last night was the one where Hurley is in charge of the food, and he gives it all away in the end and it totally made me cry. Or maybe it was just the onion.

Dwight thinks it's Friday...so keep that going

I had this plan all worked out today, to use the time change to my advantage and miss work. See, I was going to SAY I came in at 7, which I thought was 8, and when I saw that no one was there, I assumed it was Sunday and went home. And THEN I was going to sleep in and call work around, say, 11? And tell them I thought it was Sunday THEREFORE, I'd be in whenever I goddamn well felt like it. I was informed that this was a bad plan, as my boss would think I was either A) a liar or B) really, really dumb and I think I'd get fired in either case.

Whatever, I slept the crap out of that extra hour, so I guess I got everything out of Daylight Savings Time that I'm going to. Hey! Guess what? I've decided I love NaBloPoMo. Not because I have to write some crap everyday, but because OTHER people have to write some crap every day. This means my Google Reader is never empty. Not that my Google Reader is EVER empty, but let's ignore that part.

OHMYGODYOUGUYS. Guess what tomorrow is! I'm not sure why I'm so excited about tomorrow, given my track record. Never have I ever voted for a winning president. It's enough to make a girl to vote for McCain tomorrow. That's crazy talk, of course. I'm trying not to be superstitious, but I can't help it. I'm afraid to be optimistic on account of, um, the past two presidential elections. I thought about voting early, but Heidi did and waited FOUR HOURS in order to vote. She's such a good citizen. I find it incredibly uplifting that so many people are voting early. In the end, I decided not to vote early because I like to vote on election day. MOSTLY so I can wear my "I Voted" sticker around all day like a big nerd. After the voting is all over, we're gathering at a bar to watch the results come in. My thoughts are, if Obama is winning, I'll need a celebratory drink and if McCain is winning, well . . . I'll just need to be drinking period. Sigh.

Moving on. Because I am incredibly open to suggestion, I purchased this, after I read about it on some blogs. People were all, "this is so hard!" and I was all, "that's what she said!" and then I bought it. And you guys? It is so hard. That's what she said. I did it on Saturday (that'swhatshesaid) and I am still sore (that'swhatshesaid). It's a good thing I bought it, though, because this is what I ate this weekend:

Cousin Vinny's Pizza
Sonic
Spaghetti Warehouse
Penn Station
Clancy's

We went to Clancy's last night for dinner, and Heidi ordered us some deep fried cheese. Because, see, they were out of deep fried pickles. And then I got some Buffalo Balls (boneless buffalo wings) with hot sauce, and they were pretty spicy so I had to wash them down with some Miller Lite. Then my tummy kind of hurt for the rest of the night. And that is why today I am not going to eat anything deep fried. Tomorrow, though, that depends on the election results. I may be drowning my sorrows in more than just a pitcher of beer.

Beatrice, Part 3

[Part 1, Part 2]

Bill and Beatrice finally reached the edge of town. The buildings started getting bigger and shinier. Beatrice couldn't believe how everything in the future sparkled with perfection. Every building she walked by, she slowed down to watch her reflection walk with her. It didn't occur to her until it was too late that she shouldn't be able to see her reflection if she was invisible. She couldn't see Bill, he must have invisibled himself, but she was there just as clear as day. While she watched, her reflection bumped into another little girl in the mirrored wall.

"Oh, hi!" the little girl said. "I'm sorry, I didn't see you."

"My fault!" exclaimed Beatrice. "I wasn't even looking. I was watching my reflection."

"Me too!" said the little girl. "What's your name?"

"Beatrice," said Beatrice. "But sometimes people call me Amelia."

"Oh," said the little girl. "My name is Hilary but people always call me Hilary."

"Then, I'll call you Georgina," said Beatrice.

"Um, OK," said Georgina. "Where are you going?"

"We're going to the London Eye," Beatrice said.

"We're? Who else is with you?" asked Georgina. Beatrice felt a nudge at her back and then remembered Bill was invisible.

"I'M going. I mean I'M going. I'm alone," she said.

"Smooth," she heard Bill whisper, only loud enough for her to hear.

"The London Eye, huh? I love the London Eye," said Georgina. "It's my favorite place in the world!"

"Me too!" exclaimed Beatrice. "Do you want to come with us?" There was that nudge again. "I mean, with me?"

"Sure!" yelled Georgina. "Do you mind if we pick up my little brother first?"

"Um, I suppose not," said Beatrice. "Where is he?"

"He's at daycamp, but my mum asked me to bring him home early," she said.

"OK, let's go, then," said Beatrice. "Wait a second . . ."

"Yes?"

"If your brother is by the London Eye, why were you walking the opposite direction?" asked Beatrice.

"Oh, that!" laughed Georgina. "I'm hopelessly lost, as usual." Beatrice laughed.

"Well, you can follow us," she said. "I mean me," she corrected, before the nudging started.

"What's your brother's name?" asked Beatrice.

"Bernard," said Georgina.

"Bernard . . . can I call him Bernie?"

"I suppose, but he won't like it."

"That's OK," said Beatrice.

Beatrice and Georgina walked side-by-side down the sidewalk. The sidewalk, much like the buildings, had a somewhat reflective sheen to it. Beatrice could make out a fuzzy-mirror Beatrice as she walked. She could feel Bill's bulk walking behind her, and even sensed the ground quaking a tiny bit with each of his footsteps. Georgina didn't notice the mini-earthquakes, or else attributed them to the huge trucks rumbling down the street. The trucks were all bright orange and said, "Quayfar" on the sides. Beatrice wanted to know what the trucks were carrying and where they were going, but was afraid to ask Georgina. She supposed it looked pretty obvious that she wasn't from the future. After all, she was wearing jeans, sneakers, and a Spongebob t-shirt, but maybe Georgina would think she was vintage. If she started asking obvious questions, though, she'd blow it. She might as well un-invisible Bill.

"Do you like dinosaurs?" asked Georgina. Beatrice almost twisted her head off with the speed she looked over at Georgina.

"What?" she answered. Play it cool, she thought.

"Well, if you like dinosaurs . . . "

"I don't like dinosaurs I don't even know any dinosaurs why would you think I like dinosaurs?"

"Um . . . I just thought you might like to go to the museum up here," said Georgina, a puzzled look on her face.

"OOOOHHHHH," said Beatrice, relief flooding her entire body. "The museeeeuuuuum, of course." She could tell Bill was rolling his eyes at her right now, but he should know how bad she is at lying. Luckily, she was good at covering for herself. Otherwise, her parents would know all about Bill and their time traveling adventures. As much as she enjoyed their trips, she didn't think her parents would be OK with her gallavanting all over time and creation with a purple-vested dinosaur.

"So, no museum?" Georgina asked.

"Well, maybe later," Beatrice said, trying to be breezy. "After all, we have to pick up your brother, right?"

"Oh, of course!" Georgina exclaimed. "How could I have forgotten? I'm always forgetting important things."

"Me too!" said Beatrice. "Once I forgot where I lived. I just wandered up and down the street, looking for our house, but I couldn't remember which one it was."

"What did you do?" asked Georgina.

"I had no choice! I had to go into each house, one by one, to see if that was where I lived," she explained.

"Did you find it?"

"Well, not before some crazy old lady called the police on me," said Beatrice. "I tell you, how rude is that? I tried to explain to her that I was simply looking for my bedroom and she just called me a hoodlum and called the police."

"That is rude!" said Georgina. "Why, how could she be scared of you? You're just a child!"

"Probably because I was carrying my cricket bat," said Beatrice.

"Oh."

"And she was in the bath at the time."

"Oh, dear," said Georgina. Her mouth stayed open in a horrified "oh."

"You don't know the half of it. Old lady in a bath? Gross," said Beatrice. "Also, I had to go to the police station and boy were my parents angry."

"Wow," said Georgina. "You're sort of crazy."

"You don't know the half of it," said Beatrice, and she heard Bill snort derisively behind her.

"Do you mind if I pop into this shop for moment?" asked Georgina. "I desperately need the loo."

"Oh, no problem," said Beatrice. "We'll just wait for you out here."

"We'll?" Georgina said with a smile.

"I mean, I'LL wait out here for you," corrected Beatrice. She really needed to work on her poker face.

Georgina opened the shop door with a jingle and stepped inside. Beatrice watched her walk through the aisles and approach the counter, speak to the shop owner, and walk away from the counter with a key, presumably for the restroom. Beatrice hopped from one foot to another, trying to contain her excitement. Not only was she going to see the London Eye, her most favorite thing in the entire world (except for her parents and Bill, of course, and a hoverboard, should she ever get one), but she'd made friends with a real-life person from the future.

"Psst," said a trashcan. "Psssst!"

"What's that?" Beatrice whispered. Usually trashcans didn't talk to her.

"It's me, you ninny," said the trashcan.

"Oh. Bill," Beatrice said. "What's up?"

"What's up? What's UP? What's UP is you've almost blown our cover SEVERAL times," Bill said.

"Oh, that," said Beatrice. "Really, what IS wrong with me? You'd think I'd never time traveled before."

"You may never time travel again after this," said Bill.

"Bill, don't be cross," said Beatrice. "I didn't mean to, and besides, she doesn't suspect a thing."

"I think we should leave. This is ridiculous," said Bill. "You're bound to slip up even worse at any moment."

"Thank you very much for that vote of confidence," said Beatrice. "But I want to stay. I just made a friend! From the future!"

"You already have a friend from the future and he wants to leave."

"Oh, Bill, you know you're not from the future, you're from the past," said Beatrice.

"Regardless. I have more experience with this sort of thing and I think we should go. Nothing good ever comes from fraternizing with people from the future. You'll only end up messing with their time or our time or God knows what else," explained Bill.

"Bill, I think you're overreacting," said Beatrice. "And anyway, it's too late, here she comes."

"Oh, poo," said Bill.

"Bill, watch your mouth," scolded Beatrice. "Oh, hi Georgina! How was the loo?"

"Perfectly acceptable, actually. Who is Bill?"

"Bill?"

"You were talking to someone named Bill?" asked Georgina.

"Oh, no, I was just talking to myself . . . wondering where I'd put my . . . my bills. You know, MONEY. For the Eye," explained Beatrice.

"Beatrice, that's ridiculous," said Georgina.

"What . . . I mean . . . what do you mean?"

"The London Eye is FREE, silly!" laughed Georgina.

"Oh, of course! I completely forgot," Beatrice chuckled. "Let's go, shall we?"

"We shall."

Beatrice, Part 2

Part 1

Beatrice started packing a suitcase and Bill kindly reminded her that they wouldn't be gone that long. He never wanted to be gone long, because he liked to be home in time for Jeopardy every night. Bill loved Jeopardy!.

"Are you ready, finally?" Bill asked.

"Yes," Beatrice said, and nodded. She climbed on Bill's back and held onto his vest. "Let's go."

Beatrice held onto Bill's long neck. She was careful not to hold on too tightly because Bill was very sensitive and she didn't want to hurt him. Once she squeezed too tightly and he sulked for a week. He wouldn't time travel anywhere and it was the most boring week of her life.

"This OK, Bill?"

"Perfect, darling," Bill answered.

Bill started spinning in a slow circle, counter-clockwise of course. He bent his head back toward his tail and began to pick up speed. Beatrice closed her eyes. She didn't want to, but once she had tried to keep her eyes open during time travel and she couldn't see for the rest of the day. Time travel is very bright, you see.

When Bill worked up enough speed, he jumped in the air. This was Beatrice's favorite part. She held onto Bill's neck a little tighter as they sped through a tunnel so bright she could see the light through her closed eyes. Her stomach jumped as if she was riding The Cyclone at the fair and the wind whipped past her face so fast that tears escaped and blazed trails across her cheeks.

"Wheeeee!" Beatrice shouted, and although she was barely audible over the wind whipping by, she still heard Bill mutter, "quiet, please." He required the utmost concentration in the middle of time travel even though he'd been doing it for millions of years. Once, she'd distracted him with shouted questions about where they were going (Philadelphia, July 4th, 1776) and they'd ended up in Canada. That was just fine with Beatrice, moose being her favorite animals, but Bill was perturbed and since then, banned all talk during time travel. Beatrice didn't think excited yelling counted, though.

The wind began to die down and the world got a little less bright. Beatrice opened her eyes and looked around her. They hadn't been to the future yet, and so she was very excited to see what sort of adventures awaited them.

"Alright, now," Bill said. "Climb down slowly." They'd landed in a giant field of tall grass. Beatrice jumped down, sending sparks up and down her skinny legs, but stood up and soon recovered. She jumped up and down and shook her tiny body, getting used to being on solid ground again.

Bill stood on his hind legs and stretched. His front legs waved in the air almost gracefully, while he swung his long neck back and forth several times. He straightened his vest and yawned.

"How do you feel, darling?" Bill asked. He flopped back down on all fours, causing a mini-earthquake in the process, and grimaced.

"Great, Bill!" Beatrice shouted. "I love time travel."

"That makes one of us," he replied. "Now. Where shall we go first?"

"The London Eye!" Beatrice said. The London Eye was her most favorite place in the whole universe. Well. Her most favorite thing on Earth, anyway. There were some lovely craters on the moon that she was incredibly fond of. Once she'd met a moon-man in a crater, but Bill told her not to tell anyone about him. He said her parents would think she was mad if she started telling them about a moon-man named Frederick who lived in a moon crater.

"The London Eye, it is," Bill said, and started tromping off toward town. He never time traveled to a place with many people, even though he could make both himself and Beatrice invisible. The thing is, when you time travel into a big crowd, people notice. Even if they can't see you. In fact, that's how he and Beatrice met Frederick. Beatrice had distracted him and he'd forgotten to make them invisible. She was always doing tiresome things like that, but Bill supposed that was part of her charm.

"Hey, Bill?" Beatrice asked.

"Yes, Amelia?"

"Did you know the London Eye is the tallest cantilevered observation wheel in the world?" Beatrice asked.

"Where did you learn that word . . . cantilevered?"

"Wikipedia."

"Ahh," sighed Bill. "Well, at one time it was the tallest, now that great honor belongs to a small town in Ohio."

"Ohio?" said Beatrice. "Why would anyone want to build a giant ferris wheel in Ohio?"

"Why not?"

"Hmm," said Beatrice. "I suppose even people in Ohio need ferris wheels."

"Too true, my dear, too true," said Bill. "Are you tired? We can have a rest if you'd like."

Beatrice was not tired, but she knew this was Bill's way of saying he wanted to stop and sit for a while. And since he had just time traveled her to the future, she was happy to oblige.

"Why, Bill," she said. "I would love to have a rest if that's OK with you." Bill smiled and nodded and plopped his giant butt down on a large stump.

"That's better," Bill sighed. "Are you excited, Bea?"

"So excited! But . . . so far, this doesn't look all that different from home," she said.

"Well, of course it doesn't. We're still in London," he explained.

"Yes, but this is 2067 London," she said. "Where are the hoverboards?"

"Oh, darling, I TOLD you to stop watching those Pack for the Future movies," Bill said.

"BACK to the Future."

"Whatever. The point is, there is no such thing as a hoverboard outside of the movies."

"Really?"

"No. Of course there are hoverboards," Bill said. "So silly of you to ask, really."

"Oh, Bill."

"Hee."

"Why do you tease me?" Beatrice asked.

"I don't know, Bea," he said. "Because I have to tease someone and you're always there."

"Oh, OK," she said. "So, can I take a hoverboard home with me? I bought 200 quid, is that enough?"

"Beatrice Evelyn Longford, you know the answer to that," Bill scolded.

"But! Heather has always wanted a hoverboard and she'd be so, so pleased if I brought her one!" Beatrice exclaimed.

"Well," Bill said. "Heather will just have to wait until 2067 to get her hoverboard. Well. 2050, I suppose, if she can afford the first model."

"But in 2050, she'll be nearly 60!"

"Then tell her to drink lots of milk so her bones are strong," Bill said. "Those hoverboards are death traps."

"You think everything is a death trap," Beatrice said. "YOU'RE a death trap."

"Don't be cross, my dear," Bill said gently. "This will still be fun, whether or not you get to take your dear friend Heather a real-life, genuine hoverboard."

"Promise?"

"Promise," said Bill. "Maybe you can ride a hoverboard and tell Heather about it when you get home."

"Oh, I couldn't possibly do that," Beatrice said. "She'd be so jealous she'd never talk to me again."

"So you don't want to ride a hoverboard?"

"That's not what I said. I can ride it, I just won't tell Heather," Beatrice said.

"Clever girl."

"I know. Bill?"

"Yes, Bea?"

"Are you going to ride the London Eye with me?" asked Beatrice.

"You know I can't, darling, I'd never fit," Bill said.

"Oh. Right." Beatrice frowned. "Let's go somewhere else, then."

"No, you want to see the London Eye, and so that's where we're going," Bill said. "Let's go."

They stood up, Bill hesitating a bit as he moved his bulk from the stump he'd been sitting on, and started walking toward town. Beatrice ran ahead of Bill, grabbing leaves off of trees as she went, and then ran back. She handed Bill the bouquet of leaves, maple, oak, all kinds, and Bill shook his head.

"Beatrice, what did I say about changing things?" he asked.

"Um . . . you said . . . not to?"

"Right. The smallest change you make, even if it's tearing the leaves off of trees, could seriously affect the future," he said.

"But we're already IN the future," Beatrice joked.

"Well, the future future, then," he said. "We can't take anything and we can't change anything."

"Yeah, yeah," said Beatrice.

"You're still upset about the hoverboard, aren't you?"

" . . . no."

"Bea . . ."

"Yes! I just want to take one home. I'll never ride it in public, only in the house," she promised.

"And when your parents see you floating around?"

"Please," she said. "Like they'd notice."

"Fair enough," he answered. "But no."

Beatrice sulked and slowed her pace. It's not that she needed a hoverboard. After all, she already had a Wii AND a time-traveling dinosaur. But no one else had a hoverboard. Well, except kids here in the future, but she bet they didn't even know how special their hoverboards were.

"Bill?"

"Yes, Bea?"

"I guess I don't need a hoverboard," she said, and started silently planning to sneak a hoverboard back home with her.

"Excellent."