follow me or perish, sweater monkeys

Some of you may remember that this isn't my first rodeo blog, but that I used to have a blog in another corner of the internet called Long Story Short. Even fewer of you might still be subscribed to the feed so you may have noticed new posts popping up in your Greaders today. Which I imagine was confusing. Or you just marked them all as read and went about your business, I really don't know.

Anyway. I decided last night that, for a couple of reasons (but mostly because I have started and abandoned about 15 blogs in the past few years), I wanted to put all (or at least most) of my blog-spew in one place. So this morning I imported all of my Wonder Killer posts to Long Story Short, which is where I'll be posting from now on. I may even import posts from some of my other forgotten blogs, I can't decide yet. I'm not sure it's worth the mess, but then again, I do love me some organizing.

If you please, update your links, your feeds, your what-have-you, and follow me back to Long Story Short. I promise I won't move again for at least another few years, until I decide what I really need to do is start another blog. Wheeeeeeee.

Dear Fancy Nancy: Happy Baby Shower! PS: Thank you for not making us play games, especially that gross melted-candy-bar-in-the-diaper one.

One of my best friends is having a baby in October, which is weird for several reasons...one is that I think the whole pregnancy process is just plain weird. Right? I mean, you have this thing inside of you, stealing your nutrients and your energy and growing larger and larger until finally it rips its way out of you and we're all strangely OK with this. Have you ever seen the imprint of a fetus foot in a pregnant woman's belly? That shit is creepy.

(SIDEBAR: I've never actually seen that but I've heard about it. OK, actually, I think that's kind of cool. But still creepy. Hey, things can be creepy and cool at the same time. Case in point: CHRISTOPHER WALKEN I REST MY CASE.)

Two, it's crazy that any of my friends are even allowed to have babies. I've known them too long. I've gotten in too much trouble with them. How are we allowed to be in charge of a tiny baby? I've heard that they're pretty demanding. And, unlike a dog, you can't leave it alone with some food and water for a few hours if you want to go out to dinner. You really have to draw the line at like an hour, tops, and that's barely time to get through the line at Chipotle.

Three, when I'm with my friends, the friends I've had for the past decade, I feel like absolutely no time has passed, and that none of us have changed at all. So we can't be getting married or buying houses or HAVING BABIES because we are 19 years old and yes, I realize that you can do all those things when you're 19 but when we were 19, we weren't thinking about those things, we were thinking about more trivial things, like can you ride a mattress down the stairwell and the answer to that question is YES WE CAN.

Other things you can ride down the stairwell on: an inner tube, a pillow, and a bathroom stall door. Well. That last one makes a better slide, you can't really ride it down the stairs.

But seriously (folks), I feel like we can't have babies because when we're together I feel like I've time traveled to a time when none of us even wanted babies. Or if we did, we figured we'd have them when we were old. You know. Like 25. 

Even though I have all of those reasons none of us can be having babies yet, my friend is pregnant so I guess I'm wrong. THERE'S A FIRST TIME FOR EVERYTHING, AMIRITE? But you know what? Just because we're "grown ups" now, doesn't mean we have to grow up. In fact, she emailed Heidi and I the other day because she was 69 (heehahaha) days from her due date, and she wondered if she had to stop being immature because soon she's going to be a mom. We told her no, she was absolutely not allowed to stop being immature, both for our sakes and her daughter's.

And to prove my point, for her baby shower I got her (and the baby, I guess) Go the Fuck to Sleep, a That's What She Said onesie, and this:

Why, hello, I am a Wienermobile.

Because no. We never ever have to mature. And we won't. Not if I have anything to say about it and what I have to say about it is POOP BUTT BOOGERFACE.

if my brain could throw up, this is what it would look like

Did you know that you can only listen to 40 hours of Pandora a month? I didn't. Until I apparently reached my limit, which I did today. I thought at first that 40 hours was really impressive but I don't think it is. I have Pandora on most of the time at work, so that's an easy 40 hours right there. In a week, even.

At first I was really worried because WHAT WOULD I DO FOR MUSIC? I found out that we can hear the music from shows in our offices during rehearsals and showtime but there aren't any shows right now. And I always forget my iPod at home, or if I do remember it, it's not charged and don't ask me where my charger is because I DON'T KNOW I DON'T EVER KNOW. But whatever, don't worry (I know you were worried), I paid 99 cents and now I can listen to Pandora for the rest of the month and my limit starts over in September. Can you imagine, though? No music at work? To miss out on the joy that is Part of Your World popping up after, like, Radiohead or something? No thank you.

Anyway, what was I talking about? Who knows. How many times have I typed "what am I talking about?" on my blog might be a better question only probably not really because the answer is DUH A LOT. Guess what we did last night? Guess. I SAID GUESS. No, but seriously, folks, we put an offer on a house last night. I wasn't going to say anything because I was afraid of jinxing it but we didn't say anything LAST time we put an offer on a house and we still didn't get it so I am throwing caution to the wind. Here, wind! Take it! Take all the caution! I don't even want it anyway!

So, yeah, we met our realtor after work to sign all the paperwork and did you know putting on offer on a house is kind of a big deal? Because I guess it is. There's a contract and you have to hand over a check and everything. I signed my name a bunch of times and didn't even hyperventilate once! That will happen when and if we end up getting the house and I then realize we just bought this giant thing where millions of things could go wrong and we won't have a landlord to call anymore. OMG WHAT HAVE WE DONE.

No, seriously, it's fine. It'll be really nice if we get it because there's a giant backyard, all for Max, which is great because he refuses to use the litter box, unless he's sneaking into it to steal cat poop. We mentioned the cat-poop-thievery to the vet when she suggested putting Max on a diet (he's packed on a few pounds...don't mention it to him, he's sensitive) and I was all, "I think he's hungry because he got in the litter box the other day and hardly ever does that," and she was like, "Oh, yeah, he's not hungry, he's just stealing Kitty Cookies, lol. Cat poop is like dessert to dogs." It was an informative visit, is what I'm saying.

Anyway, there was an earthquake today, too, so that's weird. I mean, it wasn't IN Ohio but I certainly felt it in Ohio. We don't usually get earthquakes here but this one time when I was in 3rd grade they were worried about some giant earthquake that was supposed to hit (I don't know the details because I was 9, but it probably had something to do with the Hellmouth being in Cleveland) BUT ANYWAY we had to have earthquake drills and that consisted of sitting under our desks, which doesn't really seem that safe but whatever, I don't know about surviving an earthquake, only about surviving tornadoes and MORE IMPORTANTLY zombies. Did you know this entire paragraph was only two sentences? Well, three now. Four. Five. Shit.

You guys, WHAT is this post even about? You know what the problem is? I started it yesterday morning and now it is today evening and guess what I don't even care, I'm posting it anyway, non-sensicalness and all. For what is life without a little non-sensicalness? Besides more sensical and stuff. But who wants that? I can't decide how to end this but I need to go watch some Mad Men reruns until it's time to go to bed so BYE.

I think maybe Dexter used to live in Dayton, Ohio.

You know what? Weekends seem a lot shorter when you have a job to go to Monday morning. For like three months, weekends only felt different to me because Joe was home, which meant I (usually) showered before five o'clock. But this working thing? Working full-time, I mean? It's really cutting into my free time. For instance, I started writing this post LAST weekend and this is the first chance I've had to finish it. Although, that's not really true because I watched like three hours of Mad Men the other night but whatever I digress.

We've been filling a lot of our non-work free time with hunting houses. We found one that we loved and put an offer on but...didn't get it. Someone beat us. I would like to beat them. Jerks. But whatever, we'll just keep looking and I'm sure we'll find something. I keep going back to one of the first houses we saw that was built in like 1920 and had hidden little nooks and an awesome basement we could finish and WAS FREAKING BEAUTIFUL and just, you guys, we could not stop gushing about it. But the backyard is small, the garage looks like a strong wind might knock it down, and it's right on a busy street. This is what I keep reminding myself. Plus, we saw the electricity bills for the summer and the gas bills for the winter and HOLY MARY MOTHER OF GOD were they high. SIGH.

We looked at eight houses this morning and I have to admit, I'm feeling a bit discouraged because we weren't really wild about any of them. Two were OK but we had reservations about both. And my notes on the houses? The notes that started out really detailed with stuff like...I don't even remember, something about the taxes and the size of the rooms and whatever, house stuff? Those have devolved into this:

Which is not altogether helpful but, you guys, this house TOTALLY HAD A MURDER ROOM. I'm almost positive I saw blood on the walls but I don't know, I'm not a blood spatter expert.

"Now, the reason they do that, we think, is because poop stinks."

I think a lot of people resist listening to NPR because they think it's inaccessible or too liberal or, well, boring. And yeah, sometimes, if I try to listen to it on the way to work, I nod off a little bit but WHATEVER maybe I shouldn't listen to quiet-talking when I'm driving if I haven't had any coffee yet. 

Anyway. I feel sorry for the people who resist NPR because they think it's boring. Because, duh, it's not. You can tell me it is, but you'd be wrong, and I can prove it. 

The other day, I was in the car, listening to Excursions and they took a break from the music to talk about SCIENCE. Science is hardly ever boring, you guys. Science is messy and disgusting and AWESOME. For instance, I give you THIS. I highly recommend you listen to the audio.

In case you're thinking about not clicking that link, I'll give you a SPOILER. It's about caterpillars who can shoot poop out of their butts, sort of like a poop cannon. 

Poop! Out of their butts! COME ON. 

Here lies Walter Fielding. He bought a house and it killed him.

When I was laid off in April, I wasn't that discouraged. I hadn't liked my job in a very long time. I was driving almost an hour to and from work every day and, once I got to work, had very little to do. No one really paid attention to what I was doing, the company was in constant upheaval, and there were so many layoffs every week that everyone was all negative, all the time, no exceptions.

So I welcomed my unemployment, really, and I vowed that I wasn't going to take another job just to have a job. I was really lucky that I had that luxury. Really, really lucky. Joe was super supportive and was more adamant that I was, even, that I not take a job I wasn't sure I'd love. Probably because he didn't want to listen to me complain about work anymore. Hee.

I accepted a job offer a couple of weeks ago and start a week from today. I really think it's going to be a good fit. I'm so excited to work for this company, a local non-profit, housed in a beautiful building downtown. When I started my job search, I had this vague idea of what I wanted to be doing, based realistically on my experience, as well as my volunteer work, but I wasn't sure exactly what I'd end up doing. And instead of just applying wily-nily to any job I was qualified for, I sought out the companies I thought I'd like to work for, stalked their websites, and applied for jobs there whenever they came up. Guess what, it worked! Whoo!

So anyway, now that I have a job, Joe and I can start house hunting. We looked at approximately 10 million houses this past weekend and found a few that I wanted to make out with, and even more that I wanted to barf on. Because they were so gross that barfing on them would make them better. That's not really true. Duh. Then I joined Pinterest and am now obsessed with decorating a house that I DON'T EVEN HAVE YET. Yep, that sounds about right. 

“If you don’t like what’s being said, change the conversation.”

So remember all that hail we got during the tornado? OMG REMEMBER THE TORNADO? Ahem. Joe's car was damaged, obviously, because it was pelted by about a billion golf ball-sized pieces of ice, so it's in the shop being fixed right now. It's good timing, because I have another week or so of blissful unemployment, so I can drive him to and from work. It's really cutting into my sleeping in schedule, as well as my sitting around, doing nothing schedule, because I know I have to be showered and dressed by 4:30 so I can go pick him up. Those of you who have been unemployed for an extended period of time understand how it can be difficult to accomplish such a small feat as SHOWERING before 4:30 in the afternoon, especially when you have a bunch of episodes of Friday Night Lights to watch. ANYWAY.

It's been kind of nice, because we're stuck in the car together for at least forty minutes a day, with no internet or TV or ADORABLE PUPPY to distract us, so it's prime talking time. Except that, in the morning anyway, he's still half-asleep and I haven't had any coffee yet, so our conversations are less than stellar. Like, this morning, we had a conversation (I...actually I wouldn't even call it a conversation) that consisted of each of us saying "WHAT?" over and over in different ways.

Allow me to explain. Do you watch Mad Men? Why don't you watch Mad Men? Anyway, Don Draper, he says "what" a lot. See:



Now. Do you watch Doctor Who? WHY THE HELL DON'T YOU WATCH DOCTOR WHO? Anyway. The 10th Doctor? He of The Tennant? He also says "what" a lot, in funny ways. Unfortunately, no one has put all of them together in one video so here:



and



So, right, our conversation went something like this:

Jennie: [babbling about something stupid]
Joe in Don Draper voice: WHAT.
Jennie in Don Draper voice: What?
Joe in Doctor voice: WHAAAT?
Jennie in Doctor voice: WHAT.
Both: WHAT? OKAAAAAY. 

And so on and so forth. For like five minutes.

We found out yesterday that, even though his car was supposed to be done by now, it might be another week or so. At first I was all, "WHAAAAAAAT? NO MORE GETTING UP EARLY FOR NO RAISIN!" but I do enjoy our nonsensical conversations first thing in the morning. So maybe it's good that we'll have another week of them. WHAT.

Happy Nudie Magazine Day Harry Potter Day!

I got a text message first thing this morning from my sister, brimming with excitement for the Harry Potter premiere tonight because A) it's her first midnight showing and B) it's Harry Potter, duh. Just for shits and giggles, I decided to go through my blog(s) to see what I'd written about Harry Potter in the past. Here are some of my favorite posts, which I understand might be really boring for you to read, but it's not like I'm MAKING you read them, so stop complaining already. IT'S HARRY POTTER DAY.

These three are my DOUBLE PLUS favorites:

1. Harry Potter vs. Twilight
2. Harry Potter with my sister
3. How I (kinda) stole my (own, paid-for) copy of Deathly Hallows 

and these are just weird, but still HP related:

1. the one where I talk about my patronus
2. the one where I eff up my tires (this is only slightly related) 
3. the one where I wear hogwarts colors
4. the one where I (sort of) review DHP1
5. oh, the places we'll go!
6. hogwarts, a history
7. worrying about Harry's safety
8. remember right before the last book came out, how worried we all were about being spoiled? good times

You know what, though? You should read these, by Heather Anne, instead. She talks about Harry Potter better than anyone has talked about Harry Potter in the history of the world.

1. I'm worth twelve of you, Malfoy
2. Neville!
3. Fictional Playlists: Neville Longbottom

(The best part of compiling these lists was that I got to go through Collective Archives, which is a place more magical to me than Hogwarts.)

Do you like scary movies?

Did I tell you guys about the awesome people who made our wedding cupcakes? I feel like I might have mentioned them, but I'm not sure I talked about how, after we met with them for the initial cupcake tasting, Joe and I left with a total Couples Crush on them. I mean, they came up with THIS. Look at that and tell me YOU don't have a crush on them.

Anyway. They invited us over to their house this past weekend so we could watch movies. IN THEIR BACKYARD. It was great, aside from the bug bites, of which I now have A GAJILLION even though I was wearing bug spray, but apparently applying bug spray was just like the bug equivalent of marinating myself so I was even tastier or something.

Whatever, my point is, I've watched a lot of movies lately, so here are the movies and BONUS also my thoughts about them. I put them in order of how much I enjoyed them:

1. Dinner for Schmucks

Wow, this was pretty terrible, yeah? There were so many funny people in it, including my boyfriend Paul Rudd, so even though I'd heard it was bad, I was expecting it to be at least a little bit good. So, right, this movie is called Dinner for Schmucks, yeah? Well, the dinner isn't until, like, the very end and I think it lasts about fifteen minutes but it feels like eternity, so maybe that's what they were going for? I don't know.

Bright spots: Jemaine Clement, obviously. Chris O'Dowd as the blind swordsman. Paul Rudd wears a suit a lot. This exchange:

Marco the Blind Swordsman: I love to paint.
Davenport: Oh wow, are you any good?
Marco the Blind Swordsman: I don't know.

2. Greenberg

Ugh. You guys. UGH. When this movie, which mostly consisted of Ben Stiller's character trying to win first place in the WORLD'S BIGGEST SELFISH ASSHOLE contest (the prize is a swift kick to the balls), was over, I treated Joe with a ten minute diatribe on how tired I am of all these man-baby movies and, what? Was I supposed to feel sorry for Greenberg? I'm not really sure. I spent most of the movie worried that he was going to accidentally kill the dog because the dog almost accidentally died in his care because he's a stupid, whiny, selfish asshole, which I know I already said but YOU GUYS HE WAS SUCH AN ASSHOLE.

Bright spots: The dog was really cute. Um...

3. Morning Glory

Rachel McAdams is working HARD here, you guys. The movie is pretty bad, but she's so adorable that I didn't even mind.

Bright spots: Rachel McAdams. 


4. There Will Be Blood

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ...oh, I'm sorry, I fell asleep just thinking about this movie.

Bright spots: Daniel Day Lewis is fascinating. I enjoy watching him do whatever, even if it's beating someone's head in with a bowling pin (oops, spoilers).

5. Cedar Rapids

Cute, if a bit forgettable. I only watched it a week ago but can't remember much about it. Ed Helms is almost stuck in the same man-baby category as Ben Stiller's Greenberg, but he's sweet and he means well, so he's charming instead of insufferable.

Bright spots: Ed Helms. Maeby Funke as a hooker.

6. Black Swan

This was really good but, much like every other Darren Aronofsky movie I've ever seen, I'll probably never watch it again. Also, I couldn't help but compare it to Center Stage the entire time, which I'm sure Joe enjoyed immensely.

Bright spots: Crazy costumes! Dancing! A skeevy Frenchman!

7. Horrible Bosses

This was not a good movie, really, but I still enjoyed it. The three leads are so fun to watch, and I could watch Charlie Day rage-scream all day long. Still, I thought it would be a lot funnier than it was. I only LOLed a few times.

Bright spots: The cast was pretty spot-on. Charlie Day. There's a character named Motherfucker Jones, which I cannot stop saying.

8. Scream

Joe had never seen this, so I made him watch it. Scream came out when I was in high school and I've seen it at least 900 times NO JOKE OK maybe a little joke. It's kind of hilarious to watch now because they keep talking about "cellular phones" and how it's weird for a HS kid to have one.

Bright spots: I unironically love this movie so ALL OF IT. Plus, Joe now keeps walking around saying, "DO YOU LIKE SCARY MOVIES?" and it makes me giggle every time.

9. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang

I'd never seen this, so Joe made me watch it. Except, he didn't really MAKE me watch it because HELLO, Robert Downey Jr. is in it, so of course I'm going to watch it. I recently pointed out that I will watch anything RDJ is in, which is why I've seen both Due Date and Only You. Anyway. THIS MOVIE IS DELIGHTFUL. I need to own it so I can watch it whenever I need a RDJ fix because he is at his Robert Downey Jr.-est in this movie.

Bright spots: RDJ, obviously. Val Kilmer sometimes annoys me, but he's pretty great in this.

10. Midnight in Paris

If I could jump into movies, I would jump straight into this one. I want to full on make out with this movie, then buy it some ice cream, and then some beer, and maybe also a pony. As soon as it was over, I wanted to watch it again, which is pretty much the highest praise I can give a movie.

Bright spots: YOU GUYS SERIOUSLY ALL OF IT, GO SEE THIS RIGHT NOW

We also watched some really shitty Netflix Instant movies, such as The Hole (for shits) and American Psycho 2 (for giggles) and they were both very terrible in different ways.

I keep wishing there was something like Goodreads, but for movies. Does such a thing exist? Or is this a thing I can invent and then subsequently make like a billion dollars? Please let me know ASAP.

The next movie on the agenda is Harry Potter, Deathly Hallows 2.

:( :( :( :( ALL OF THE SAD FACES EVER, BASICALLY

The birds, the bees and the monkey babies, Mulder.

You guys, I think Max might have PTSD. See, he's terrified of thunderstorms, right? I feel like this is well-documented...on this blog. But anyway. We didn't have him last year during the July 4th festivities but we assumed that he'd be afraid of fireworks since they make even bigger BOOM FUN noises than thunderstorms.

We discovered that, yes, he is just as terrified of firecracker booms as thunder booms when we were out walking one night (Independence Day Eve Eve or something) and someone set off some amateur fireworks because of course they did. Max stopped for a moment, looked at us in abject terror, and then took off as fast as his little legs could carry him. But he was mostly fine after a bit because they had been far away so they were just little booms.

We decided to walk him around before ten on July 4th, because the real fireworks started at ten and we knew we would never get him outside at that time. We thought we were safe. We were wrong. Because some jackhole in the block of condos next to us set off a huge, esplodey firework just as we had Max to that point. Oh my god, you guys, I thought he was going to reach light speed, such was his haste to get back inside. We couldn't even get him to pee, which was a problem, because we have him on a very strict pee and poo schedule. We talk about Max's poop (or lack thereof) at least five times a day. It's weird. Such is the joy of pet ownership. Anyway.

I tried to take him on another walk that night, after the fireworks were over, but he would barely come out the front door. He went out long enough to pee and then he raced back inside like there were bombs falling outside, which I guess maybe he thought there were? I felt so bad, though! He looked so sad and pathetic so I just gave him extra treats and cuddles.

I thought that would be the end of it, but every night we walk him around nine o'clock, which is the same time he almost got blown up in a firecracker. We try to take him on the usual path, and it happens to be the same path we took him on the night of July 4th. I thought this would be no problem. I mean, dogs don't really have long memories, right? But he won't even go that way! He will during the day, he's fine, but he refuses to walk that way at night. Do you think he thinks there will be another FIRECRACKER BOOM EXPLOSION? But yeah, that's how he got PTSD.

This is (very) slightly related, but I'm trying to convince Joe that we need to get a pet pig. He was all, "we can get a pet pig after we have a baby," but I think he's just saying that because he hopes that if I have a cute baby, I won't want a cute pig but that's not true at all because I'll probably just want a cute pig even MORE because a pig (probably) won't pee and poop on me, PLUS BONUS it will make adorable oinking noises AND will have a curly tail. If I get a baby with a tail, I'm gonna be pissed.

But my point is (I guess) that it should go: Dog, Pig, Baby. Like, obviously, you get a dog before you have a baby because you have to make sure you can keep another living thing (besides yourself) alive. But I think you should get a pig between the dog and the baby because a pig is a pet like a dog but it's pink and hairless like a baby so it's the perfect transition between a dog and baby. I mean, it's practically a baby. It's a practice baby! Anyway, I think Joe's just worried that if I get a pig, why would I want a baby? Actually, that's a really valid point.

Whatever. Did you know you can adopt pigs from Petfinder? Don't tell Joe.

My own personal Avengers

Sometimes I feel like I spent most of my day wishing I was best friends with some fictional person or another. I spend the rest of the day wondering which fictional characters I would want on my side in a fight. Not just a fight fight, like with general fisticuffs and whatnot, but a fight with an alien or a vampire or GOD FORBID a battle with a rising zombie army. I mean, sure, I would love to hang out with Bridget Jones or Jo March but I don't think either one of them is going to be that great at helping me kill a werewolf. I think Jo would be game and would probably put a lot of effort into it, but I'm not sure that, between the two of us (Bridget, obviously, would be cowering under a table somewhere, clutching a bottle of vodka), we'd be able to overpower and defeat a werewolf. Maybe a regular wolf, a wereless wolf, but a werewolf? We'd get out throats ripped out.

That's why I've been gathering fictional fighters for my own personal protection squad. These are not necessarily people I'd want to hang out with in my spare time (ahemBUFFY), although I would LOVE to hang out with some of them in, like, all of my spare time (ahemTHE DOCTOR) but ANYWAY, my point is, I think all of them would be able to protect me from zombies, and really, isn't that all you want out of your friends bodyguards? Yes. Besides, despite even my most logical arguments, Joe won't let me get a gun so I can protect us during the inevitable zombie apocalypse that is probably going to happen any second now, so this personal protection squad is totally necessary until Joe caves.

Starbuck 

Pros: Is a badass, knows how to use a lot of different weapons, can come back from the dead (or something)

Cons: Is drunk all the time

Hermione Granger   

Pros: Knows all the magic, cool under pressure

Cons: Is usually pretty busy saving Ron and Harry

Buffy Summers 

Pros: Can protect against vampires and other demony things

Cons: So whiny

Ellen Ripley 

Pros: Will come in handy if the scariest aliens ever attack Earth

Cons: Is dead, I think? I can't remember what happened in the last movie(s).

Batman 

Pros: Has lots of gadgets, cool car, own sidekick, is a self-made superhero TAKE THAT SUPERMAN

Cons: Has that weird, growly voice thing going on right now

Fox Mulder 

Pros: Has seen a lot of crazy shit, knows about paranormally things, I would probably get to hang out with Scully, too

Cons: Drops his gun all the time, has tendency to die a lot

The Doctor  

Pros: has a sonic screwdriver, comes with a variety of companions PLUS sexy TARDIS, can regenerate if necessary
Cons: NONE

DEAR SELF, STOP NOT-BLOGGING ALL THE DAMN TIME

Oh hi! So I see I forgot to blog again for a bajillion years. Oopsies. It's just that I feel like I shouldn't be blogging about nothing which is stupid because THAT'S ALL THIS BLOG IS, also sometimes I feel like all I do is complain but I don't want to complain all the time which is a problem because these are the only things I can think to blog about:

1. Job Searching = SOUL CRUSHING, which, no, actually it hasn't been all that bad but I think I'm only saying that because I'm not job searching right now. If I had been job searching in the last five minutes, I probably wouldn't be able to write this because I would have ripped my eyeballs out, is all I'm saying.

2. IT'S SO DAMN HOT. How hot is it? SO DAMN HOT, I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION.

3. I'm siiiiiiiiiick. The jury is still out on whether I have/had strep throat but the doctor gave me yummy antibiotics anyway and they only cost $5! That's $25 less than what my old birth control used to cost me A MONTH! I don't think there's any correlation there* but that was my first thought.

Um, OK, so that's it. What else have I been doing, you might ask if you're polite. Well. I can tell you that I've watched a lot of TV. We finished Battlestar Galactica, which I enjoyed but didn't Lost-love. Or Doctor-Who-love. Anyway. I was slightly underwhelmed by the finale but that may have had something to do with the fact that I felt like complete and utter ass when we watched it. Also, I have this theory about watching shows all at once on Netflix or DVD or whatever versus watching them live as the show airs. There's something special about having to wait an entire summer to find out what happens to all of your BFFs favorite TV characters that just cannot be recaptured by watching a show on DVD.

I've also been watching a shitload of Friday Night Lights because did you know that show is awesome? Pajiba pretty much fellates this show ON THE REGULAR but I'd never watched it because...I can't remember why now. Maybe because I don't like football? I don't know. I blame Dawson. I'm almost done with the first season and I cannot stop watching it. Like, I will lose hours to this show, which is awesome because there are a lot of hours in the day when you don't have a job, did you know that?

Unfortunately, I haven't had a TON of time to watch it because I've been keeping myself pretty busy with various errands, volunteering, cleaning, and WRITING. That's right, I said WRITING. I'm in this secret society writing group that's KIND OF a big deal. If anyone is still interested, let me know. I think we'll welcome pretty much anyone who isn't a big meanie poophead.

*Although when I told my mom I was going to the doctor because I'd had a sore throat and a fever for a few days, her first words were, "you don't think there's a chance you're pregnant, right?" WHAT.

Auntie Em, Auntie Em!

Sometimes when I haven't written here in a while, I feel like I can't write until something BIG happens because what's the point of me writing another, "I did nothing all day today other than watch a full season of Party Down" post because YOU GUYS I'm unemployed (sort of) so that is pretty much what I'd be writing.

That said, I'm writing today because I was in a tornado on Wednesday. I know. I KNOW. I actually didn't know it was a tornado until we saw it on the news last night. We just thought it was a really, really bad (hail) storm, and as it was, it was a category 0 tornado so it was just a not-so-bad tornado (although my aunt insists that there's no such thing as a not-so-bad tornado).

Anyway, so we had just settled down to watch Battlestar Galactica (ASHLEY!) while we ate dinner (SPAGHETTI!) when I looked outside to see it was getting super windy and dark and, well, just very end-of-the-worldish. We turned on the news to see we were under a tornado warning and everyone in our area was being advised to take shelter. Normally I scoff at these warnings (scoff, I tell you!) because tornado warnings around here ('cept for Xenia) usually end up being nothing. My dad and I, when I lived at home, would run to the back porch to watch the storms whenever we were under a tornado warning, until my mom would yell at us to get our stupid asses back in the basement.

But I took one look outside on Wednesday to see the wind whipping the trees back and forth (I WHIP MY TREES BACK AND FORTH!) and was all, "um, maybe we should, like, not be sitting next to this giant window."



So we dragged a very freaked out Max to one of the innermost points of the condo, which happens to be Joe's closet. I was really worried about Phoebe because I had no idea where she was, but I figured she was OK since she's got all that cat-instinct and was probably hiding somewhere safe. We sat in the closet and called our parents and then just listened to the storm blow around us. At one point, Joe was like, "My parents were in a tornado once. They said it sounded like a train going by overhead," and I was all, "You mean, like it sounds right now?" and he was like, "Yeah, pretty much." But eventually the wind died down and we went to look out the window. There was hail EVERYWHERE.





And it was huge:



Once the storm was over, we decided to walk Max because there was another storm on the way. There were trees down all over and the street was flooded. I walked around a bit more yesterday and they had boarded up a bunch of windows that had been busted in the storm tornado.



I cannot stress enough that, for a tornado, this was the weakest possible, and there was minimal damage for a tornado coming through. Sure, there were trees uprooted and windows busted and a chimney destroyed, but no one was hurt and everyone still has a place to live, so I'm not trying to be all dramatic where there is no drama, but HOLY SHIT YOU GUYS A TORNADO. So scary. I'm so glad I didn't know it was a tornado when it was happening because I would have done one of two things:

1. Pooped myself and passed out.
2. Stood outside with my fingers crossed, hoping to be carried away to The Emerald City.

But you guys, the poor trees. :(




And I don't know, but I think someone might be trying to smite Ohio because the new Dinosaur Park (DINOSAURS ALIVE!) at Kings Island caught on fire the other day. Is this because I got so much enjoyment from Giant Jesus burning down? If so, I'M SORRY BUT LEAVE THE DINOSAURS ALONE.

"Baby step onto the elevator...baby step into the elevator...I'm IN the elevator."

Sometimes I have to trick myself into writing. It makes no sense, really, I love to write. Even when I feel like everything I'm writing is complete shit, I can keep going because it's pretty easy to write complete shit, you know? And, I don't know, maybe my shit will turn into pretty flowers some day. That is the weirdest thing I've ever typed. But you know what I mean...flowers come from shit. Everything comes from shit. Shit shit shit. Just keep shitting.

ANYWAY. Joe and I have been having "writing time" some nights, partly because it's more productive than watching hours of TV after dinner but also because we're both writing stories for THIS. You should, too. It's funsies. And if you get published, then I can say I know you and I'll be, like, Famous Once Removed.

We are learning to work together, and by that, I mean, in the same room at the same time. It's difficult because it means we just cannot talk to each other, or it will soon devolve into a gigglefest about poop and butts and who can say the most inappropriate thing that will make the other almost die from all the laughter. That's fun and all, but it's hard to write when you're lying passed out on the floor.

There's something I've been thinking about for a while, something that I hope at least some of you wonderful writers would be interested in, and that something is INTERNET WRITING GROUP. By that, I mean, hey, let's write stuff and pass it around and critique it and praise it but mostly LET'S JUST WRITE. We can have set topics or write WHATEVER, we can write short stories, sonnets, haikus, dirty limericks, I DON'T CARE, except no, wait, I really don't want to write any sonnets.

In any case, email if you're interested.

I changed my name on Windows

I changed my name on Windows, a photo by Jenlala on Flickr.

I had to reinstall Windows because of a virus or something WHO KNOWS THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT what's important is that my name is now officially (well, computer officially) Poohead Buttshits.

Whoever wields this hammer, if he be worthy, shall possess the power of Thor. (ATTENTION: SPOILERS AHEAD)

It is a truth universally acknowledged (um, in our house anyway), that I know little to nothing about comic book stuff and Joe knows, well, everything. We saw Thor last and I had some follow up questions regarding Thor, The Avengers, and the previews for X-Men: First Class. And I thought HEY! Maybe other people have the same questions! Or maybe they want to laugh at how little I know about comics. Win win win!

Anyway, read on and be educated:


1. The Cosmic Cube

Jennie: So, what was that thing at the end of the credits?

Joe: The Cosmic Cube. It’s basically a source of unlimited power, I’m not sure how it works, and the Red Skull is always after it.


2. Where my bitches at?

Jennie: I was expecting an Avengery person to be in Thor but I didn't remember that Jeremy Renner was an Avenger.

Joe: Yeah, I didn't want to tell you because I didn't want to spoil it.

Jennie: And he's...The Green Arrow?

Joe: No, Hawkeye. The Green Arrow is DC, Hawkeye is like Marvel's answer to The Green Arrow.

Jennie: Oh. I get all the Green people mixed up. Hornet, Lantern, Arrow, IT'S CONFUSING.

Joe: Haha.

Jennie: OK, so the Avengers are Captain America, Iron Man, Hulk, Hawkeye but not Hawkeye from MASH, Captain America...

Joe: You said Captain America already.

Jennie: Oh...um, who are the rest?

Joe: You forgot Thor.

Jennie: Ha, oh yeah, duh. Are there any girl Avengers?

Joe: Well, there's Black Widow.

Jennie: UGH. Scarlett Johanssen.

Joe: Yeah. There's also The Wasp and Scarlet Witch. Scarlet Witch is Magneto's daughter.

Jennie: But they don't get their own movies.

Joe: Well...probably not.

Jennie: THAT'S BULLSHIT.

Joe: I agree.

Jennie: So what you're telling me is that the most high profile female Avenger right now is played by Scarlett Johanssen. Who cannot act.

Joe: I know, it's unfortunate.

Jennie: But she looks really good in the outfit, so I suppose that's all that matters.

"Black Rider, It's Jeff Winger. I know you've heard of me by now!"

Here are some things that have happened since I last blogged:

• I lost my job
• I went to Charleston for a wedding
• I brought back two cases of Yuengling and all but four of the beers are gone
• I've cleaned the entire condo
• I turned 29
• I don't know, some other stuff

I'm not sure why I haven't been blogging other than PURE LAZINESS but I realized today that it's been almost a month since I've blogged, which is like 12 months in Me Years. What I'm saying is, I used to blog several times a day WHAT HAPPENED? And now here I am talking about how I haven't been blogging so let's move on, shall we?

So, I lost my job, which is weird. Last week sort of just felt like vacation, probably because I would get up late, eat some chocolate pop-tarts and watch Doctor Who and The X-Files reruns until I decided I should probably shower and get dressed. You know, around 3 o'clock or so.

ANYWHO, this week I decided I should probably be somewhat productive, so I cleaned a different room of the condo every day. I KNOW. My life without work is super exciting. Not that it was much more exciting when I WAS working, but whatever. The cleaning is mostly done now, which means I have to concentrate mostly on job searching which, as I'm sure you're all aware, is absolutely soul crushing and I DON'T WANT TO DO IT ANYMORE, especially since I don't even know what to search for most of the time, as my old job made me want to jab sharp objects in my eyes at least two times a day.

I mean, it hasn't been that bad, really, not yet anyway. I'm sure that after a few weeks, I will be dying for more human contact. I think Joe's already getting sick of coming home to me acting like a COMPLETE PSYCHO, babbling at a speed greater than light (or...whatever) because the only person I had to talk to all day was Max, and he's not a great conversationalist. Not because he's a dog, but because he sleeps all day.

So here I am, blogging about nothing, which I'm going to try to do more of except maybe I'll try blogging about SOMETHING sometimes, who knows? There's a first time for everything, yeah? Yeah.

Anyway, if anyone hears of any job openings at Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory, please let me know.

People had come to see Wilbur when he was "Some Pig" and came back again now that he was "Terrific."

The other day, I was walking Max and he tried to eat an earthworm that was crawling across the sidewalk. It had rained recently, so they were everywhere and they were active. You know, active for earthworms. Which means they were kind of moving instead of just lying there, waiting to be stepped on.

Did you guys ever have to dissect earthworms in science class? I seem to remember doing this several times, and each time I spent the entire class completely befuddled because I had no idea what I was looking at. We were supposed to diagram all the little wormy inside parts but they all looked the same to me. This is around the time I realized I'd never be a doctor. Aside from not being able to identify even an earthworm's vital organs, I was not-so-handy with a scalpel. Instead of gently cutting one side of the worm open, I usually ended up slicing the worm in half lengthwise, which is not what we were supposed to do. I mean, MAYBE that'd be OK for Hogwarts Potions class, but it was not OK at Kettering Middle School.

Plus, we'd always have to draw pictures of the worm-insides and, while I was above average in art classes, my science diagrams usually ended up looking like I'd just drawn a bunch of blobby things that were supposed to be earthworm organs and labeled each blob with things like, "heart, maybe?" and "front...end?" because I couldn't even tell the front end of the worm from the back end. I mean, WHO CAN? Other than worm scientists or whatever.

We moved past earthworms and onto starfish. Sure. I mean, what? This is a thing kids dissect? I don't know. We had to use little scissors to cut them open instead of a scalpel and I thought that would be easier, but no, I completely mutilated my starfish. Sorry, Patrick. We also dissected a sheep's eyeball at some point and I do not gross out easily, but eyeballs give me the heebie-jeebies, especially when I'm stabbing at one sitting in front of me with sharp objects.

We didn't dissect frogs until my Bio II class in high school, and even then, only a few of us did the dissection and the rest had to just watch. Did the price on frogs go up around that time or something? I'm not sure what I was even doing in a Bio II class, other than it was an advanced class and I used to be smart, but I loved the teacher, Mr. Williams, who made the subject matter exciting no matter what it was. He also had what he called "half-times" in the middle of class, right around the time everyone's eyes would start to glaze over, where he would tell us stories like how he once painted his little brother green or he would bet someone that they couldn't eat a package of crackers in a certain amount of time.

Unfortunately, the most memorable part of his class was the quarter (yes, an entire quarter) that we dissected fetal pigs. You guys, it was so disgusting. Not so much the actual dissection itself, because for some reason that I don't want to think too much about, I have no problem slicing dead animals open (in a classroom environment...not, like, out in the wild), but the smell. Oh, the smell. Think of how disgusting a fetal pig might smell. Now think about how it might smell at the end of nine weeks. In the springtime. YEAH. Once it started to get really warm, toward the end of the quarter, it got pretty bad. Like, so bad that people would avoid that end of the building. And you know how sometimes when you go to Subway, you can still smell Subway on your clothes for the rest of the day? Well, it was the same with this classroom, except worse because, to my knowledge, Subway doesn't serve fetal pigs.

We dissected our fetal pigs a few times a week, working our way through each system, diagramming the organs and coloring them in with pretty colors. When class was over, we'd put our pigs back in their Ziploc bags (which had some sort of juice in it to keep the pigs...juicy) and keep them in the fetal pig fridge that Mr. Williams kept in his office.

Now, you might be wondering how we could tell our pigs apart from all the other pigs. Especially once they were all thrown into a fridge. It's not like fetal pigs have distinguishing marks, although some were bigger than others. But no, we could easily tell them apart and that's because, when Mr. Williams passed out our pigs on the first day, each nestled into its own comfy Ziploc home, he told us to name them. We wrote our pig's name on the bag and that's how we knew which pig to work on all quarter. And that's the story of how I dissected a pig named Wilbur for nine weeks straight.

P90X: Days 3 and 4 and my abs, oh my god

So. I've completed P90X, days 3 and 4, and so far, so good. The weight-lifting stuff wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, mainly because you get to rest a lot, which is nice, but the Ab Ripper HOLY MARY MOTHER OF GOD. What in the what? That's, like, impossible, right? There were a few times I had to stop and just stare at the TV in disbelief because HOW WERE THEY DOING THAT?

Anyway. I did the yoga workout yesterday and it was definitely tough. I haven't done much yoga, other than a class or two in college and a half-assed attempt to do a yoga DVD a handful of times, and that's mostly because I am not coordinated or flexible AT ALL. That said, I did enjoy the yoga workout. I have a lot of respect for people who are good at yoga (AHEM mysterygirl!, hee) because they make it look so effortless. And it is the opposite of effortless. My only complaint about the yoga workout is that it's an hour and a half long. I'm sure that, as I continue on through this program, I'm going to want to either skip it entirely or do something else in its place, but I'm going to try and stick with it. It can only help my (lack of) balance issues, so maybe I'll trip and fall down less often.

In other news, I have to do the Ab Ripper workout again tonight. DO NOT WANT.

Dear Brain, Ryan Baby Goose should not be used for evil, only for good. Love, Jennie

Last night, I had a dream that someone was trying to kill me. I don't know why he was trying to kill me, he just was. I actually wasn't that concerned about it. Maybe I was immortal in my dream WHO KNOWS but I DID know that the killer could shapeshift (thanks, Fringe). At some point I was standing in front of Ryan Gosling and I was like, "Awwwww yeah, Ryan Gosling, LET'S DO THIS," but then he said something weird and I realized he was the killer. You have never known such disappointment. Anyway, then I threw Ryan FakeFace off of a balcony or something but the killer still didn't die! And he was killing people left and right! Like, straight up slitting throats and shooting people and it was GRAPHIC. My point is, I need to stop watching Dexter before bed.

fitness-y (read: boring) talk ahead

I completed the first two days of P90X over the weekend (only 88 to go...whoohoo?) and so far, I'm a fan. I'm doing the Lean Program, which, as I understand it, is less weight-lifty stuff and more jump-around-until-you-feel-like-you're-going-to-pass-out stuff.

The first day was called Core Synergistics and, if you're smarter than I am which I assume you are, you will have already guessed that this involved a lot of exercises that work your core. Duh. I didn't think too much about it at the time, though, and was surprised to find that the next day my abs felt like they were going to fall off. I even modified some of the moves because, well, they were hard and I am whiny. There was this one thing where you were supposed to (from a standing position), sit down really fast, roll backwards, push your feet up to the ceiling, and then roll back up, and I was like, "um, no," and so I did my own version. There are also these things called Superman Bananas which are just torture. Look them up on YouTube or something and then try it and you will know true evil, I swear. Here, I found a video for you and the guy even has an accent YOU'RE WELCOME.

Day 2 was a cardio workout called, wait for it...CARDIO. Right. It actually wasn't too bad. I mean, it was still challenging and I was definitely working hard, but I didn't feel like I was going to die until it was time to do the damn Superman Bananas again WTF NO. Anyway. I actually really liked this workout, specifically the exercise called Wacky Jacks. I'm not really sure how to explain them. But, like, if Phoebe Buffay did jumping jacks before she went running, I think they'd look like Wacky Jacks.

Today I was supposed to get up before work and do Day 3 but if you know me at all, you know that didn't happen, so now I have to do it after work. It's the first weight-trainy day so expect a lot of whining tomorrow about how sore I am. Although, yesterday when I woke up, my first thought was, "oh, my, I am just sore all over," and I'm still sore today, but slightly less so, so maybe it will get better? Yes? People who've done this before? Lie to me.

Deja vu is usually a glitch in the Matrix.

So yesterday I exercised for the first time in, oh, let's say FOREVER. I wish I had a dollar for every time I've said something like that. I have started and then quit exercising SO MANY TIMES. My point is, get ready to read a post that is just like a bunch of other posts you've already read! Whoo!

Anyway, so I did this workout DVD even though it was really nice outside, because it was really windy, too, like so windy that when I was walking Max, he would stop every time there was a huge gust of wind, I mean just PLANT HIS FEET like he was afraid he was going to be carried away. And I only like to run outside when it's not too hot, not to cold, not too sunny, and not too windy, and since there are like three of those days a year in Ohio, I hardly ever run outside.

What was I talking about? Oh, right, I was about to tell you that Jillian Michaels is evil, but you already know that because I've already told you that five billion times AT LEAST but oh well, I'm going to tell you again. I thought about doing the 30 Day Shred DVD yesterday, because even though it's pretty much HELL, it's only like 25 minutes worth of HELL, but I was feeling extra motivated so I did one of her longer DVDs. This one is about an hour long, with warm up and cool down and everything, and is all cardio, no weights, so I thought it would be fine. I'd just jump around for an hour, no big deal, right?

No. This DVD is TERRIBLE. So terrible that my brain must block out how terrible it is after I finish it, otherwise I'd never do the DVD again. And when I say terrible, I don't mean that it's not effective. Judging by how sore I am today, it MUST be effective but I never, ever want to do it again. And I even half-assed a lot of it because I was pretty sure I was going to pass out and the last thing I wanted was for Joe to come home and find me lying in the middle of the floor in too tight workout gear while Phoebe crawled all over me, probably puking on my back just for good measure BECAUSE THAT'S THE KIND OF PERSON CAT SHE IS.

I guess I'm not all THAT sore today, though, if I'm being completely honest. I can still walk up the stairs, but my abs hurt when I, you know, laugh or cough or move. Here's how I know I'm crazy...I have another Jillian DVD, similar to the one I did yesterday, that is also about an hour long and the last time I did it, I thought I might really die, but I'm thinking of doing it after work today. Also, I ordered P90X and it's supposed to be delivered tomorrow. I'm sort of scared to try it, judging by what my friends who have tried it have said, but I'll probably do the first workout tomorrow. I think I'm going to teach Max how to dial 911 first, though.

You're not who you are, you're only what other people think you are. Fishism.

Netflix recently announced that it was releasing several new (well, old) TV shows on Netflix Instant, which is awesome because every season of Bones, Ugly Betty, Doctor Who, The X-Files, Lois & Clark, Grey's Anatomy, Futurama, and Better Off Ted were getting really lonely in our queue.

The two shows I was most excited about were Ally McBeal and The Wonder Years. I mean, I've been wishing for them to put The Wonder Years back on TV for years, possibly since they took it off of the air, oh, whenever that was. I used to come home from school and watch The Wonder Years reruns alongside The Fresh Prince of Bel-air and Saved by the Bell. Unfortunately, the last time I looked, it still hadn't been released on Netflix Instant. I'M WAITING, NETFLIX. And I'm hoping that The Wonder Years won't send me spiraling into an existential crisis and if you're wondering what I'm talking about then PLEASE READ AHEAD.

Ally McBeal was available on Netflix Instant last week, so I added every season to our queue, much to Joe's chagrin. But whatever, I've only been watching it when he's not home. I watched this show back when it was first on and LOVED it, so I was interested to see if and how my opinion had changed. The first season aired when I was but a wee high school sophomore (yikes) and, at the time, I loved the whimsy and the singing and the, I don't know, the BALLS OUT CRAZY.

But, if I'm being completely honest, I find it a bit cringe-worthy to watch now. Almost like I feel when I read my journal from high school. That dancing baby thing totally creeps me out. I find Ally to be extremely annoying and I spend most of the time hoping a strong gust of wind blows her into oncoming traffic. But, I mean, Robert Downey Jr. shows up in a later season and, if I remember correctly, he sings at least once, so that's something to look forward to.

The thing that freaks me out the most, though, is that Ally is supposed to be 27 in the first season. WHICH IS WEIRD. I thought she was so old when I watched this show in high school and I thought that, surely, by the time I was her age, I would have all my shit figured out.

Well, I'm two years past the age she is on the show and I most definitely do not have my shit figured out. In fact, I often wonder at which point I will have my all of my ducks in a row, at least career-wise. I don't even have any ducks! WHERE ARE MY DUCKS?  

This troubles me. I need to take a moment.

Let's all go to the movies and then gouge our eyes out because that's how bad Due Date was

My love for Robert Downey Jr. runs deep, so deep that I have seen Only You MORE THAN ONCE. In fact, when I saw that Only You was available for Netflix Instant, I might have actually squeed aloud. I watched it almost immediately and I was almost able to ignore how absolutely terrible it is. Such is the power of RDJ's charm.

I've been swooning over RDJ for years now, through his stint in rehab AND on Ally McBeal, all the way to, well, today. I saw Iron Man because he was in it, I loved him in Wonder Boys, my sides ached with laughter during his bits in Tropic Thunder, and I watched Sherlock Holmes just to see the magic of the budding bromance between RDJ and Jude Law.

But this past weekend, Robert Downey Jr. almost lost my love FOREVER and I will tell you why: DUE DATE.

Oh, I was all set to love it, despite the poor reviews I'd read back when it came out, because his character's name in the movie is Peter Highman. Just...just say it out loud. See? It immediately pandered to my 13-year-old-boy level of maturity, so I was on board. But you guys, this movie is terrible. I don't know what happened. I love stupid movies as much as the next person (I own Zoolander) but there is almost nothing redeeming about this movie.

Here is the premise: Peter (RDJ) is on his way home, and needs to be there by Friday, because his wife is getting a C-section that day and I guess it's, like, important to meet your baby right away, I don't know. He meets Zach Galificleurlduskjerudl's character, Ethan, at the airport and there is some nonsense about their bags getting mixed up. Then they get in a fight on the airplane and, of course, get kicked off. Peter has this problem, I guess, that when he gets mad, he "sees red," so he never remembers the yelling and the punching or whatever, but really I think his problem is that he's just an asshole.

Anyway, so they get kicked off the plane and Peter's wallet is still ON the plane because for some reason, he put it in the seat pocket in front of him? Or something? Do people do this? So he can't rent a car because he has no money or ID. Also, he's now on the no-fly list on account of the fighting and the mixed up baggage.

Ethan, however, still has money and his ID, so he is able to rent a car and convinces Peter to come with him. Thus begins their tragic journey across the country. Oh yeah, I forgot, but Ethan is carrying his dead father's ashes around in a coffee can. This will be important later but it's gross so prepare yourselves. Also, Ethan wants to be an actor because he was inspired by Two and a Half Men. This will be important later but it's gross so prepare yourselves.

Along the way, Ethan stops to buy pot and, while there, Peter punches a child in the stomach. I mean, the kid was annoying, but you just can't punch a child. I'm pretty sure that's like a rule. Ethan spends all their money on pot, then Peter insults a war veteran at Western Union so they can't even get the money Peter's wife wired to them, so they are pretty much screwed. I think this is when they sleep at a rest stop and Peter tries to ditch Ethan there but, in his only redeeming scene in the movie, feels guilty and goes back to get him. Later, Ethan falls asleep while he's driving and DRIVES OFF OF AN OVERPASS, so maybe Peter had the right idea, what with the ditching, but don't worry, the only bad things that happen are that Peter breaks an arm and the dog now has to wear a cone of shame.

At this point, Jamie Foxx rescues them and takes them to his house. He lends them a car, but not before making them coffee out of Ethan's father's ashes. Yep, sure, why not.

I think it's soon after they leave Jamie Foxx that Ethan accidentally drives them to Mexico. Yeah. Peter gets arrested by border patrol because...I don't remember why, and is locked up in a trailer, which Ethan then STEALS and then they are in the most ridiculous car chase ever and it was at this point that I wondered why I was still watching the movie.

They become friends at this point, sort of, even though Peter is still a total asshole. They go to the Grand Canyon and I wish Ethan would push Peter over the side. They OBVIOUSLY make it to California in time for Peter to see his baby's birth...well, sort of, because I forgot that Ethan accidentally shoots Peter at some point so I think Peter passes out during the actual birth but who cares because he was an asshole anyway and assholes shouldn't get to see their babies get borned. Actually, wait, scratch that, the birthing process is way disgusting so assholes should have to watch that shit, like, 24/7, right? Right.

OK, but here is where I felt completely betrayed. Ethan and Peter apparently become BFF, although reluctantly on Peter's part because of the asshole thing. Peter and his wife and baby are lying in bed one night, watching TV, and you guys, THEY ARE WATCHING TWO AND A HALF MEN. Because Ethan was a guest actor on it or something. But WHATEVER WHO CARES. The point is, this movie tricked me into watching part of Two and a Half Men and I don't care that it was maybe only a minute or two, it was still a minute or two of Two and a Half Men that I never, ever wanted to see. And, I don't know, you guys, as much as I hate to say it, I think it's going to take a lot of shirtless wrestling before I can ever trust RDJ again.

True story: when we watch Fringe, I spend most of the time talking about how dreamy Joshua Jackson is.

When I was a tween, one of my most serious hobbies was collecting BOP and Tiger Beat magazines. My friends and I would go to the drug store and sit in the magazine aisle, leaf through these bubblegum rags, and agonize over our purchases. My weekly allowance would only support my habit up to a point, so I had to be careful if I wanted to get my money’s worth. Sometimes the magazines had only so-so heartthrobs on the cover, but if there was a magazine with a full-size pullout poster of Jonathan Taylor Thomas (JTT!!!), well, obviously that was money well spent.

Some of my friends were already starting to go on dates around this time, even though most of us hadn’t even started our periods. I was shy and socially awkward around most people, and even more so around boys. I had no interest in them and didn’t anticipate ever wanting to have anything to do with them. I mean...I had books, I had my friends, I had my bike, honestly, what else did I need?

Maybe I wasn’t maturing as quickly as my friends, I don’t know, but I didn’t see the appeal of dating. Frankly, what little dating information I’d been able to gather (mostly from old episodes of Saved by the Bell) terrified me. My friends and I often discussed the perfect age to start dating. Most of my friends insisted that, at 12, we were the perfect age to date all we wanted, and you wouldn’t believe the heavy silence that fell when I suggested that maybe 18 was a better age.

I had no real interest in any of the boys in my life but was obsessed with collecting glossy pictures of my favorite teen actors. My room was plastered with the posters and pages I’d torn from teen magazines. I taped them on my bedroom walls like wallpaper. I lived in my head and my head was full of these Hollywood pretty boys. It was easier to pretend that if I should ever meet one of these actors, they’d fall deeply in love with me, and I’d never need to go through the painful dating process. I weaved intricate fantasies around these meetings, based on information gleaned from all the generic magazine articles I’d read about them. JTT liked ice cream. I liked ice cream! Joshua Jackson liked animals! I LOVED animals! Andrew Keegan liked to hike and, well, I liked to walk? Oh the fun we’d have, JTT, Andrew, Josh (yeah, I call him Josh) and I, eating our double-decker ice cream cones while we hiked through the woods and tried to catch wild animals WITH OUR BARE HANDS.

Obviously, these fantasies never became reality, and I (sort of) overcame my fear of boys and dipped my toe into the dating scene. I still spend most of my time in my head, but I eventually outgrew these magazine heartthrobs. Although, if I didn't think Joe would mind, I might still plaster the walls of our house with pictures of Joshua Jackson.

PACEY 4EVA!!1!!11!

Testes

TESTING TESTING I am posting this WITH MAAAAAGIC.

you pinch me, I choke you

I'm not wearing green today. In fact, I'm wearing red. It's not that I don't like St. Patrick's Day, it's just FUCK YOU DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO WEAR. Also, I always look for excuses to get mad at people, so if anyone tries to pinch me I WILL CHOKE THEM. Of course, choking a coworker might get me fired, but according to this study, that might be a good thing. But seriously, coworkers, DO NOT TOUCH ME. Or, like, even talk to me.

I have the day off tomorrow and I was talking to Joe last night about how, just a few years ago, I would have been so excited that I could celebrate St. Patrick's Day without having to work the next day. Hell, even if I DID have to work the next day, I probably would have celebrated. I think it was three years ago that Steve, Heidi, and I got my dad (my dad: "Does this make me an enabler?) to drop us off at Harrigan's on St. Patrick's Day in the middle of the week. We had my dad drop us off because A) we assumed the parking lot would be full and B) we all had to work the next day, so we needed our cars, like, at home. It was brilliant, right? We'd just take a taxi home!

We did not take into account that everyone in Dayton would be taking taxis home, and so when we called for one, there were none available. Like, as in, they told us they might be able to pick us up...at 5 AM. At that point, it was too late to call anyone to pick us up because, duh, they all had to work the next day, too, so we walked. It was only like two and a half miles, so it wasn't THAT crazy, except that Steve had recently had knee surgery and still had a brace, I think? And some weird guys kept trying to convince us to come to their apartment? We were all really hungry, too, because beer needs feeding after a while, and I was getting bored because walking was taking too long, so I ran the last mile ahead of Heidi and Steve, I guess to make food? And to get home faster. Sure.

Heidi and Steve got home to find the front door open and me running around the apartment brushing my teeth. I had also dumped a box of granola bars on top of the stove for them. That was me cooking, I guess? Probably safer than me actually using the oven in that state, so they should be happy they didn't come home to find the apartment on fire.

Anyway, Happy St. Patrick's Day!

this blog is about to reach a new low

Last night, while Joe and I were sleeping, Max woke up, went to the living room, threw up, and then dragged his bed over the puke. Like he was hiding it.

WHAT.

That might sound boring, but I think the boring stuff is the stuff I remember the most.

I know I haven't blogged in like a million years and this is totally phoning it in BUT OMG YOU GUYS LOOK AT THIS:

go directly to heaven, collect two adorable mastiffs

So I just got this email that there are two mastiffs available for foster/adoption in the Dayton area. Here they are:



and



LOOK AT HOW CUTE THEY ARE.

Here is the what the email said:

These two young mastiffs are super sweet and friendly. They were due to
be put down today, but thanks to a mastiff lover who went and picked
them up (thanks Lindsey) we got them into boarding last night. They are
getting their shots, wormed, and baths. The owner didn't give much info
on them. If you know of anyone willing to foster one or both of them
(they are very attached to each other), please let me know!! HART has
offered placement in their rescue if I can find fosters. I do have 54"
crates I can lend to someone and I can furnish the dog food. Thanks!

The Clinton Co. (Wilmington, OH) Dog Warden just picked up a male and
female English Mastiff who was surrendered to the county because the
owner is moving. The owner has not supplied names, medical history or
any info about the dogs. I do know that they have mostly lived outdoors
or in the garage. The Warden says they are nice dogs -- just huge!

Clinton Co. is a very rural and depressed community. The Pound has 20
kennels to house dogs. Currently, dogs are doubled, and in some cases,
tripled up in kennels. The Warden is forced to euthanize due to lack of
space and already has the vet scheduled to come in on Wednesday to have
relief on the quantity of animals.... he will be housing the Mastiffs in
an outdoor kennel tonight.

SUPER SAD FACE. If you would like to adopt/foster these dogs or know of someone who might, please EMAIL ME and I will forward you the foster lady's contact information.

Seriously, though, if you adopt them you will get so many karma points for heaven. Is that how heaven works? Being nice to animals?

Also, if you could please share this with others, that'd be great, because I think approximately 20 people read my blog and only a handful of those people actually live in Ohio.

Mr. Darcy is the hit of my pants*

I woke up early this morning to Max crawling ACROSS JOE'S FACE so he could hide his face between our pillows. Normally these kinds of shenanigans would get Max kicked off the bed POST HASTE but it was thunderstorming and he was scared and COME ON, how could I possibly force him off the bed when his sad little scared face was trembling nose-to-nose with mine. Joe and I tried to go back to sleep, but it didn't really work because Joe was pretty much forced to the very edge of the bed and the only way I could make myself comfortable was to spoon Max but he kept hitting me in the chin with his head whenever there was thunder and OW.

So my point is, I'm tired today. I mean, I had already stayed up past my bedtime because I wanted to watch Mr. Darcy win an Oscar, so I wasn't planning on waking up an hour and a half earlier than my alarm. YAWN.

In other news, I got this love letter the other day:

Dear Beloved,

This letter may come to you as a surprise due to the fact that we have not yet met. Firstly, I have to say that I have no intentions of causing you any pain. My name is Mr. Moore Edwards, a European merchant. I have been diagnosed with Prostate and Esophageal cancer that was discovered very late due to lack of caring for my health. It has defiled all form of medicine and right now, I have only about a few months to live according to medical experts. I have not particularly lived my life so well, as I never really cared for anyone not even myself but my business.Though I am very rich, I was never generous, I was always hostile to people and only focus on my business as that was the only thing I cared for. But now I regret all this as I now know that there is more to life than just wanting to have or make all the money in the world. I use to say to my self that if God should give me a second chance I would live differently from how I have lived. I was meditating on my hospital bed and something told me that Go

Hence, I do not trust them anymore, as they seem not to be content with what I have left for them.The last of my money which is a huge cash deposit that I have with a security firm will be put in your care if only you will agree and are capable of seeing this through. I want you to help me collect this deposit and dispatched it to charity organizations of your choice and let them know that it is I Mr.Moore Edwards that is making this generous donation. I am writing this from my laptop computer in my hospital bed where I wait for my time to come. I pray for you to support and assist me with a good heart. I hope we can build a relationship based on trust because I want to do this by all means possible before I die.But the choice is yours Please you can contact me through this email address: mooreedwards1@aol.co.uk

Be blessed my beloved,
Mr.Moore Edwards

For some reason, it was delivered to my spam folder. Which is weird because why would my beloved send me spam? In any case, feel free to email him. It sounds like he could use a pick-me-up.

*When my friend Amy and I were but wee little college freshman, we read Bridget Jones's Dairy and Pride & Prejudice, like, a million times, and then saw BJD in the theater, like, a million times, and went on an epic journey to, like, a million stores just to find the P&P mini-series that made Colin Firth such an object of DEEP, DEEP DESIRE. To say we were merely obsessed with Mr. Darcy is an insult to our level of obsession.

Anyway, one night, after drinking too much, we sent emails to practically everyone we knew (drunk emailing is way more entertaining than drunk dialing, trust me) and in one email, we said both "Mr. Darcy is a hearthrap," and "Mr. Darcy is the hit of my pants." Thank you, Stephanie, for reminding me of this. GOOD TIMES.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JOE!

I'm glad you were borned. You take care of me when I'm sick AND you didn't let me tumble into the ocean (or off of the balcony) that time I had too much tequila on our honeymoon. Our games of Scrabble always ALWAYS devolve into seeing who can spell the dirtiest words. You completely indulge me when I'm giggling over absolutely nothing (which is often) or just plain being weird (which is even more often) and then you totally outweird ME and it's awesome. You act like a total girl whenever Max does something cute (I mean that in a nice way) and you're nicer to Phoebe than I am.

You help me through scary stuff and won't let me get away with saying I'm not angry even though I obviously am, which pretty much makes you the more mature one in this relationship (duh).

The future may be uncertain but at least we can wander around all confused together.

PLUS ALSO, you let me (nay, ENCOURAGE ME to) post pictures like this on the internet:


What more could I ask for? HAAAAAAAAAPPY BIRTHDAY!

won't you be my neighbor

I find it somewhat comforting to realize that I care as much about Valentine's Day now that I'm married as I did when I was single, which is to say, very little.

I do, however, care very much about these Doctor Who Valentine's Day cards. So there's that.

A funny thing happened yesterday in Ohio and that thing was that it wasn't absolutely frigid outside. It was maybe, MAYBE, 45, but that didn't stop some silly Ohioans from running around in shorts and t-shirts. Because that's what people do on the first semi-warm day of the year and I sort of love it. I mean, I'm not going to start running around in a sundress just because it's above freezing, but it was nice to walk Max IN THE SUNSHINE and not have to wear two pairs of pants, a scarf, gloves, and a hat and yet still worry about whether the tip of my nose is going to fall off because OMG I CAN'T FEEL MY NOSE ANYMORE.

I think the warm weather made me more productive, too, because NOT ONLY did I go to the grocery, but Joe and I ran all sorts of boring errands and didn't complain about them ONCE, plus I chopped up a million vegetables so the Crock Pot could make some beef stew for us to have for dinner tonight. I love when the Crock Pot cooks for us, especially on nights when I'm not going to be home until 7:30.

Oh! I forgot to tell you guys something really important about our neighbor, who we call Poltergeist Lady, because, well, she looks like this lady. In fact, when we first moved in, she knocked on our door to introduce herself and when she left, this happened:

Me: Oh, man. I'm having really mean thoughts.
Joe: Ooh, what are they?
Me: I don't wanna say.
Joe: Is it this? "Carol Anne, Carol Anne!"
Me: OK, so at least we're both going to hell.

So that's how she got the name Poltergeist Lady. She's very nice, but we always thought her a little odd, and the other night I upgraded her status from "a little odd," to "I'm not answering the door anymore."

We had a pretty bad ice storm a couple of weeks ago, and because of this, Joe and I both worked from home. This meant I didn't shower until I "left" work, so I had just gotten out of the shower when there was a knock on the door. Joe answered (in his Superman pajama pants) and I hid in the bathroom and listened. This is what I heard:

Poltergeist Lady: Hiiiiiiii.
Joe: Hi.
PL: [lots of mumbly words]
Joe: Um...
PL: [more mumbly words]
Joe: OK?

Then I heard Joe go into the kitchen, get something out of a cabinet, and go back to the front door.

Joe: Here you go.
PL: THANK YOU!

"What was that?" I shouted once the front door was closed.

"Oh, Poltergeist Lady wanted to borrow some taco seasoning," Joe answered.

Naturally, I was all, "um, WHAT," and it turns out she'd gone to the grocery to buy stuff to make tacos, but had forgotten taco seasoning, and so OF COURSE she went knocking on doors until she found some. Sure, OK. Maybe I'm just unfriendly, but I try to avoid my neighbors at all costs, because there's nothing I hate more than small talk. I'm so bad at it. I don't want to tell you how my day was, I don't care how your day was, and I can't talk with you about the weather anymore or I'll have to stab myself in the eardrum.

Anyway, so if I realized I'd forgotten ANYTHING at the grocery, I would either go back and get it or do without it. Especially if it was something like TACO SEASONING.

But, fine, she's obviously different than me AND THAT'S OK. You know what's not OK? That she came back five minutes later and asked for more.

Joe's way nicer than I am because I would have lied and said we didn't have any taco seasoning the first time she knocked on the door. So it's good that he answered the door instead of me. We want to remain on her good side, you know, in case our TV ever starts talking to us.

show me that smile again

I went to Zumba (yes, ZUMBA) on Saturday for the first time. While I spent several songs marching in the wrong direction and flailing my arms about wildly, I enjoyed it and I'm going back tonight. It tricks you into exercising and it turns out exercising is good for you. Who knew? Anyway, the plus side of going to this Zumba class is that there's no set cost, it's all just donations to the instructor, AND it's really close to my house. The negative is that it's at a church, not that that's bad, but there are some churchy elements. Like scripture reading before the class starts (but it's short) and I'm pretty sure there were one or two Christian rock songs played during the class, but I was too busy trying not to run into people or fall down to really notice. This said, I don't really care because while I am not churchy, I do not begrudge others their churchiness (I don't know).

AND. The instructor told us before the class started that Kirk Cameron was coming to give a talk about marriage or preparing for the End Times or something, I don't know, I wasn't really listening because I was too busy mouthing, "OMG MIKE SEAVER MIKE SEAVER!" to Nancy while my 18-year-old cousin just stared at us blankly because I'm pretty sure she doesn't know who Mike Seaver is. The shame, the shame.

Anyway, I'm trying to decide if it's worth the price of the ticket to possibly accost see Mike Seaver in person. Probably not.

So, yeah, since I went to Zumba, it meant getting up early (on Saturday!) and regretting my decision to drink coffee beforehand. It was fun, though, and the fact that I keep telling people I'll meet them there means I can't flake out unless I have a really good excuse. Wanting to stay home and watch The Soup is not a good (enough) excuse.

After Zumba, I went home and was faced with this tough decision: Do I continue being productive since I'm already up and aboot? Or do I reward myself for getting up early with TV and loafing? The answer was a little of both, because Joe and I finally went to the bank to begin the long, arduous process of merging our moneys, but when we got home, I watched an episode of Doctor Who and two episodes of Grey's Anatomy (from season 2, when it was still good...ish).

I was about to start the next episode when Joe called and was all, "...um...so...I found a dog," and it was one of those times where I just wasn't sure how to react. I thought he was calling to tell me he was on his way home, not that Max might soon have a new friend. But, no, this dog was wearing tags, so we couldn't in good conscience keep her forever and hug her and squeeze her and call her George.

At first I was like, "take her to SICSA, maybe?" hoping they'd know what to do and then I remembered that I had a computer in front of me, and everyone knows that Google can solve anything. I got on SICSA's website, which led me here in a matter of CLICKS. Apparently, if you find a lost dog, you can find the owner's address and phone number just by entering the dog's tag number. I had no idea our county did this. I'd imagine your county does the same.

I plugged in the tag number and luckily the owner's current information was in there. I called them and a little girl answered the phone. I told her my name and that my husband had found a dog and that's when she squealed, "THEY FOUND CHRISTY!" and my heart melted. They didn't live far from us so I called Joe and told him where he could return the dog, and he said the whole family was outside in the front yard, waiting for him to bring their dog back. I want to cry a little, you guys, WHAT THE HELL. Anyway, I think our Dog Karma is really high now, so hopefully if Max ever gets lost (NOOOOOO), he'll find his way back to us, or someone will find his way back to us FOR him.

"Smart" Kids: new Lois & Clark review

New review on Joe & Jennie in the Morning! Lois and Clark investigate some super smart kids who are trying to take over Metropolis, but they don't really seem all that smart. Sure, they outsmart Lois, but how hard is that, really?

i am totally bogarting delurking day II

Sometimes when I find a new blog, I get really annoyed if there's not an "About" page somewhere, because I'm nosy and I like to learn everything about that person RIGHT AWAY, rather than, I don't know, just reading through their archives or something. Who has that kind of time? Wikipedia has ruined me forever.

Anyway, my point is that I'm a big hypocrite because I didn't even have an "About" page! WTF? I've fixed that, though, mainly because I recently discovered how to add Pages in Blogger. I know. I KNOW. So if you look under the header, you will see an "About Me" page and it's all about me, although I'm not sure how informative it is.

There's also a Links! page because did you know that Blogrolling went away? I guess it's been gone since November but I only recently noticed because ALL MY LINKS DISAPPEARED. It was good, though, because I've discovered a lot of new blogs since I last updated my Blogroll, so now those have been added. Please let me know if I forgot you.

BTW, I mostly stole this whole idea from Kate over at Effing the Ineffable, who has declared her own Delurking Day. So if you're a lurker, DELURK, because I am a whore for comments. Also, if you delurk, then I can add your link to my Links! page. Win win win! Also also, I really want to add a FAQ page but no one ever asks me any questions, let alone FREQUENTLY, so if you could delurk AND ask a question, I will send you a virtual hug WHATEVER THAT MEANS.

Also! Here are some recent posts at Joe and Jennie in the Morning! that you may have missed:

1. Joe is going to be recapping Sports Night. Here's the first episode!
2. I recapped episode 3 of The X-Files AKA Squeeze AKA the greatest episode ever (until, you know, the next one)
3. Joe recapped episode 6 of Lois & Clark...Lois dresses up in a chicken suit. Yeah.