Let's all go to the movies and then gouge our eyes out because that's how bad Due Date was

My love for Robert Downey Jr. runs deep, so deep that I have seen Only You MORE THAN ONCE. In fact, when I saw that Only You was available for Netflix Instant, I might have actually squeed aloud. I watched it almost immediately and I was almost able to ignore how absolutely terrible it is. Such is the power of RDJ's charm.

I've been swooning over RDJ for years now, through his stint in rehab AND on Ally McBeal, all the way to, well, today. I saw Iron Man because he was in it, I loved him in Wonder Boys, my sides ached with laughter during his bits in Tropic Thunder, and I watched Sherlock Holmes just to see the magic of the budding bromance between RDJ and Jude Law.

But this past weekend, Robert Downey Jr. almost lost my love FOREVER and I will tell you why: DUE DATE.

Oh, I was all set to love it, despite the poor reviews I'd read back when it came out, because his character's name in the movie is Peter Highman. Just...just say it out loud. See? It immediately pandered to my 13-year-old-boy level of maturity, so I was on board. But you guys, this movie is terrible. I don't know what happened. I love stupid movies as much as the next person (I own Zoolander) but there is almost nothing redeeming about this movie.

Here is the premise: Peter (RDJ) is on his way home, and needs to be there by Friday, because his wife is getting a C-section that day and I guess it's, like, important to meet your baby right away, I don't know. He meets Zach Galificleurlduskjerudl's character, Ethan, at the airport and there is some nonsense about their bags getting mixed up. Then they get in a fight on the airplane and, of course, get kicked off. Peter has this problem, I guess, that when he gets mad, he "sees red," so he never remembers the yelling and the punching or whatever, but really I think his problem is that he's just an asshole.

Anyway, so they get kicked off the plane and Peter's wallet is still ON the plane because for some reason, he put it in the seat pocket in front of him? Or something? Do people do this? So he can't rent a car because he has no money or ID. Also, he's now on the no-fly list on account of the fighting and the mixed up baggage.

Ethan, however, still has money and his ID, so he is able to rent a car and convinces Peter to come with him. Thus begins their tragic journey across the country. Oh yeah, I forgot, but Ethan is carrying his dead father's ashes around in a coffee can. This will be important later but it's gross so prepare yourselves. Also, Ethan wants to be an actor because he was inspired by Two and a Half Men. This will be important later but it's gross so prepare yourselves.

Along the way, Ethan stops to buy pot and, while there, Peter punches a child in the stomach. I mean, the kid was annoying, but you just can't punch a child. I'm pretty sure that's like a rule. Ethan spends all their money on pot, then Peter insults a war veteran at Western Union so they can't even get the money Peter's wife wired to them, so they are pretty much screwed. I think this is when they sleep at a rest stop and Peter tries to ditch Ethan there but, in his only redeeming scene in the movie, feels guilty and goes back to get him. Later, Ethan falls asleep while he's driving and DRIVES OFF OF AN OVERPASS, so maybe Peter had the right idea, what with the ditching, but don't worry, the only bad things that happen are that Peter breaks an arm and the dog now has to wear a cone of shame.

At this point, Jamie Foxx rescues them and takes them to his house. He lends them a car, but not before making them coffee out of Ethan's father's ashes. Yep, sure, why not.

I think it's soon after they leave Jamie Foxx that Ethan accidentally drives them to Mexico. Yeah. Peter gets arrested by border patrol because...I don't remember why, and is locked up in a trailer, which Ethan then STEALS and then they are in the most ridiculous car chase ever and it was at this point that I wondered why I was still watching the movie.

They become friends at this point, sort of, even though Peter is still a total asshole. They go to the Grand Canyon and I wish Ethan would push Peter over the side. They OBVIOUSLY make it to California in time for Peter to see his baby's birth...well, sort of, because I forgot that Ethan accidentally shoots Peter at some point so I think Peter passes out during the actual birth but who cares because he was an asshole anyway and assholes shouldn't get to see their babies get borned. Actually, wait, scratch that, the birthing process is way disgusting so assholes should have to watch that shit, like, 24/7, right? Right.

OK, but here is where I felt completely betrayed. Ethan and Peter apparently become BFF, although reluctantly on Peter's part because of the asshole thing. Peter and his wife and baby are lying in bed one night, watching TV, and you guys, THEY ARE WATCHING TWO AND A HALF MEN. Because Ethan was a guest actor on it or something. But WHATEVER WHO CARES. The point is, this movie tricked me into watching part of Two and a Half Men and I don't care that it was maybe only a minute or two, it was still a minute or two of Two and a Half Men that I never, ever wanted to see. And, I don't know, you guys, as much as I hate to say it, I think it's going to take a lot of shirtless wrestling before I can ever trust RDJ again.

you pinch me, I choke you

I'm not wearing green today. In fact, I'm wearing red. It's not that I don't like St. Patrick's Day, it's just FUCK YOU DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO WEAR. Also, I always look for excuses to get mad at people, so if anyone tries to pinch me I WILL CHOKE THEM. Of course, choking a coworker might get me fired, but according to this study, that might be a good thing. But seriously, coworkers, DO NOT TOUCH ME. Or, like, even talk to me.

I have the day off tomorrow and I was talking to Joe last night about how, just a few years ago, I would have been so excited that I could celebrate St. Patrick's Day without having to work the next day. Hell, even if I DID have to work the next day, I probably would have celebrated. I think it was three years ago that Steve, Heidi, and I got my dad (my dad: "Does this make me an enabler?) to drop us off at Harrigan's on St. Patrick's Day in the middle of the week. We had my dad drop us off because A) we assumed the parking lot would be full and B) we all had to work the next day, so we needed our cars, like, at home. It was brilliant, right? We'd just take a taxi home!

We did not take into account that everyone in Dayton would be taking taxis home, and so when we called for one, there were none available. Like, as in, they told us they might be able to pick us up...at 5 AM. At that point, it was too late to call anyone to pick us up because, duh, they all had to work the next day, too, so we walked. It was only like two and a half miles, so it wasn't THAT crazy, except that Steve had recently had knee surgery and still had a brace, I think? And some weird guys kept trying to convince us to come to their apartment? We were all really hungry, too, because beer needs feeding after a while, and I was getting bored because walking was taking too long, so I ran the last mile ahead of Heidi and Steve, I guess to make food? And to get home faster. Sure.

Heidi and Steve got home to find the front door open and me running around the apartment brushing my teeth. I had also dumped a box of granola bars on top of the stove for them. That was me cooking, I guess? Probably safer than me actually using the oven in that state, so they should be happy they didn't come home to find the apartment on fire.

Anyway, Happy St. Patrick's Day!

I love my dead gay son

I am an anger ball today, which is pretty standard for a Monday, but ESPECIALLY for a Monday after a really good weekend.

(If you're wondering why I don't blog anymore, it's because I can't come up with anything new to say and SO, I keep posting the same drivel. I've had a blog for like five years, people, and I'M RUNNING OUT OF THINGS TO TALK ABOUT. Sorry.)

Any. Way. I had a busy weekend, I suppose, although I didn't do anything especially productive. On Friday, I ate spicy buffalo balls and thought my stomach lining was melting away. You'd think that would have stopped me from eating all manner of junk food (hamburger, popcorn, peanuts, cookie, nachos, ice cream) yesterday at the ballpark, but it didn't. I'm not so good at the learning from mistakes thing that most people learn in kindergarten or whatever.

THE REASON I was at the ballpark was because my family rented a suite so we got to pretend to be big time while we watched the Dayton Dragons get absolutely crushed by . . . someone. I just now realized I have no idea who they were playing. I didn't know until about the sixth inning though that the Dragons were getting their asses kicked, so that's about par for the course, I'd say.

So, they lost. But I got to eat delicious junk food and drink delicious beer, so really, does it matter who wins or loses? No. Because everyone's a winner when I'm happy.

Some other good stuff happened this weekend. Like, I introduced Joe to the beauty that is Heathers. And I successfully ran on a treadmill for thirty minutes without falling off, but only because I didn't allow myself to look anywhere but straight ahead. That didn't stop me from being able to see some seriously weird activity, though. Like, MythBusters was on TV, but I couldn't hear anything because I had my iPod on and at one point, I decided the show was even better on mute because Adam was dressed as a cavewoman and I had lots of fun trying to figure out why. There was also this couple working out together. When I got there, she was on one of the two treadmills and he was using the weight machines. I think he got pissed when I came in because I took the other treadmill, but WHATEVER DOUCHE, did you mark the treadmill with your urine? No? Then step off.

Right, so I got on the treadmill and the woman next to me was all run fast, walk slow, run fast, walk slow, and the guy was using the weight machines ALL WRONG but he was really skinny so maybe it was his first time using weight machines. He kept walking all around my treadmill, too, while I was running, and I wasn't sure if he was like, walking off a cramp, or trying to intimidate me to fall (jerk), but it didn't work. Finally, after some discussion, the woman got off of her treadmill and got on the bike so her husband/boyfriend could use the treadmill. Which, yeah, I guess that's nice but I'd never do that (sorry, Joe) because I HAVE A RUNNING SCHEDULE THAT I MUST STICK TO. Anyway, I stayed on the treadmill longer than I needed to JUST BECAUSE so the guy was done running before I was. Then? He got off the treadmill and just stood there next to it and his wife/girlfriend WIPED OFF THE MACHINE FOR HIM. And did I mention he was just standing there? That's weird, right? Right?

Know what else is weird? That this entry hasn't ended yet, even though I clearly have nothing else to say. But I'm going to keep writing, OK? OK.

I believe I mentioned above that I'm in a shitty mood, yes? Well, in case you forgot: I'm in a shitty mood. Only not really anymore, because I ate my lunch (maybe low blood sugar was making me a bitch) and I also talked to Joe AND ALSO Heidi told me Lampl and Jon are coming over tonight (yay!) AND ALSO even though the people at Subway were totally incompetent AND they neglected free cookie Monday, it gave me something to complain about and I heart complaining. So there's that.