Friday, August 7, 2009

respect my authoritah!

Right after I first started my new job, we had this meeting. And at this meeting, my uberboss explained that we'd be starting a bunch of training sessions in a couple of months, and that they needed volunteers to help lead them. Having just started with the company, I was anxious to TOTALLY BROWN-NOSE and so I volunteered immediately.

It's now a couple of months later and the training has begun. I was given a binder on how to facilitate training (whoo) and a ready-made Powerpoint presentation (hoo) so I thought it seemed pretty foolproof.

Well. Yesterday was the first day and, since I'd never led this particular training before, I observed during two sessions. One of the sessions went fine. Sure, no one really talked, which can be frustrating, but there were no problems.

But the other session. The other session made me scared in my very soul. You see, the employees who are coming to these sessions are all factory employees. The office employees all complete this training WITH TECHNOLOGY because, duh, they all have computers. But the factory employees don't have access to computers because where would they put them? On the floor next to the HUGE, GRINDING MACHINES OF DEATH? Note: I don't actually know if there are HUGE, GRINDING MACHINES OF DEATH in the factory, but I'm assuming so because that's what it sounds like.

In any case, my training cohort told me that whenever she leads these training sessions, sometimes all any of the employees want to do is complain about how much their supervisors/jobs suck and how they are treated unfairly and WAH WAH give me my blankie, I'm tired and need a nap. Which is annoying. The office employees are too lazy to get up and complain to our faces, they complain through e-mail instead. Anyway, my cohort said that sometimes she has to be all Mistress of Pain and tell them to STFU so the meeting doesn't last eight hours. I didn't quite believe her. Until yesterday. When she went all Mistress of Pain and told them to STFU because they wouldn't stop complaining about how their managers beat them with chains and don't let them go to the bathroom and also one time looked at them funny and it hurt their feelings.

After she yelled at them, there was an awkward silence and then she went back to the Powerpoint. Certain employees looked disgruntled and certain employees looked amused and I looked like I was going to poop my pants because I have to start training next week and THEY ARE GOING TO EAT ME ALIVE. I'm not really much of a YELLER when I get angry. I'm more of an "I'm not going to talk to you for a while" type of person when I'm mad (ask Joe, hee) and I don't think I'm allowed to just click through the presentation without saying anything and if they decide to go all Lord of the Flies, I just know I'm going to be the one who gets smooshed by a big rock.


Ashley said...

Remember, bailers are dangerous, no matter how cool they seem. If you don't watch out, they'll cut your arms off.

You can call me, 'Sir' said...

Nickname one of the fat ones 'Piggy', then kill him/her. Then they'll fear you and fear works. At least until the British Navy shows up and everyone starts to cry.

But until they show up, you'll own them through fear and your boss will be all, 'Damn, that there's some efficient shit!' and you'll get your picture up on a wall next to his office.

Joe G. said...

Sir, spoiler alert! Somehow I made it through high school without having read Lord of the Flies, and I just started reading it last week.

Sigh. I guess I'll just go back to reading comics instead of books.

Anonymous said...

God, this sounds awful. Maybe you should act like Gunnery Sergeant Hartman in Full Metal Jacket. That'd get their attention.

Jennie! said...


Sir, even if I kill an employee?


jmatv, I do really like that "steers and queers" line.

Stephanie said...

You should use the "steers and queers" line. It'll shut them up. Or confuse them. Whatever.

I've been meaning to reread "Lord of the Flies."

Also, that's what you get for brown-nosing.