True story: when we watch Fringe, I spend most of the time talking about how dreamy Joshua Jackson is.

When I was a tween, one of my most serious hobbies was collecting BOP and Tiger Beat magazines. My friends and I would go to the drug store and sit in the magazine aisle, leaf through these bubblegum rags, and agonize over our purchases. My weekly allowance would only support my habit up to a point, so I had to be careful if I wanted to get my money’s worth. Sometimes the magazines had only so-so heartthrobs on the cover, but if there was a magazine with a full-size pullout poster of Jonathan Taylor Thomas (JTT!!!), well, obviously that was money well spent.

Some of my friends were already starting to go on dates around this time, even though most of us hadn’t even started our periods. I was shy and socially awkward around most people, and even more so around boys. I had no interest in them and didn’t anticipate ever wanting to have anything to do with them. I mean...I had books, I had my friends, I had my bike, honestly, what else did I need?

Maybe I wasn’t maturing as quickly as my friends, I don’t know, but I didn’t see the appeal of dating. Frankly, what little dating information I’d been able to gather (mostly from old episodes of Saved by the Bell) terrified me. My friends and I often discussed the perfect age to start dating. Most of my friends insisted that, at 12, we were the perfect age to date all we wanted, and you wouldn’t believe the heavy silence that fell when I suggested that maybe 18 was a better age.

I had no real interest in any of the boys in my life but was obsessed with collecting glossy pictures of my favorite teen actors. My room was plastered with the posters and pages I’d torn from teen magazines. I taped them on my bedroom walls like wallpaper. I lived in my head and my head was full of these Hollywood pretty boys. It was easier to pretend that if I should ever meet one of these actors, they’d fall deeply in love with me, and I’d never need to go through the painful dating process. I weaved intricate fantasies around these meetings, based on information gleaned from all the generic magazine articles I’d read about them. JTT liked ice cream. I liked ice cream! Joshua Jackson liked animals! I LOVED animals! Andrew Keegan liked to hike and, well, I liked to walk? Oh the fun we’d have, JTT, Andrew, Josh (yeah, I call him Josh) and I, eating our double-decker ice cream cones while we hiked through the woods and tried to catch wild animals WITH OUR BARE HANDS.

Obviously, these fantasies never became reality, and I (sort of) overcame my fear of boys and dipped my toe into the dating scene. I still spend most of my time in my head, but I eventually outgrew these magazine heartthrobs. Although, if I didn't think Joe would mind, I might still plaster the walls of our house with pictures of Joshua Jackson.

PACEY 4EVA!!1!!11!

The latest on Joe and Jennie in the morning!

1. Joe reviews Lois & Clark: episode 4!

2. I review Lois & Clark: episode 5!

3. I review The X-Files: Pilot! and! Deep Throat! (as Joe said, The X-Files episode, not the porno)

the very definition of WTF

We got a wedding gift today. And it came in a giant bag. So, of course, then this happened:







Joe was sad that all six foot five of him would not fit in the bag, so Phoebe tried to console him:



It sort of looks like he's growing out of the floor, but I swear, he's not.

It was Rhode Island

This morning on the way to work, the people on the radio were asking listeners to call in and brag about their special talents because what else would they do? Play music? I don't think so. Anyway, some lady called in and said she could name all 50 states in alphabetical order in under a minute. I was all PFFT big deal, I once did that while walking past the reflecting pool and taking pictures of people making out in the grass and I sang that shit, too.

She messed up right after Ohio (loser) and was all, "shit!" and the DJ was like, "you can't say shit on the radio," which is stupid and dumb but whatever. So then I turned the radio down because I was going to show her how it was done. Nevermind that she wasn't in the car with me and would never know how badly I had shown her up, I WAS GOING TO WIN THIS GAME, IN YOUR FACE LADY ON THE RADIO! So I sang the state song once and was all, "ooh, BURN," but then I started to wonder if I'd forgotten a state and didn't realize it so I sang it again and counted on my fingers as I said each state. And I HAD forgotten one! Real quick, I sang it again and tried to figure out where it was missing and then I did and I sang the song again and counted for good measure and it turns out I am still awesome because I remembered all 50 that time. Whew.

The reason I know all of the states in alphabetical order is because I learned THIS song in third grade and I just now realized that it's a Ray Charles song. The hell? Really? Am I high right now?

Holy shit, you guys, I just started reading the comments for those song lyrics and they are amazing. First of all, people comment on song lyrics? OK. Sure. I've commented on stupider things. Things like...pictures of baby monkeys. And I'm all, "that baby monkey is adorable, can I have it?" Which is weird and doesn't really add anything to the conversation, but seriously, just give me your baby monkey already.

Second of all, here are the best comments (I was going to make fun of the comments but I think most were written by actual 4th graders):

1. HOW DID YOU COME UP WIHT THIS SONG...YOU HAVE A GREAT MIND IN THERE THAT IS HOW YOU CAME UP WITH THAT SONG!!!I THINK THAT IS THE BEST SONG I EVER HEARD IN MY LIFE...ONE DAY YOU HALF TO HAVE A CONSERT IT WILL BE GREAT IF YOU PLAYED FIFTY NIFTY...I LOVE FIFTY NIFTY IF YOU CAN RESPOND I WILL LOVE IT!!!!WE LEARND FIFTY NIFTY IN MUSIC MY HOLE CLASS LOVED IT!!!HOW DID YOU THINK OF THAT SONG!!!I HAVE A SISTER DO YOU THINK MY SISTER JESSICA WILL LIKE THIS SONG?BUT SHE DID MAKE UP A SONG NAMED MISTY KISSY I THINK?WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THIS NAME...TELL ME IF IT IS GOOD!!!

2. This song is famous! im in 4th grade and we have to sing it for chorus and i hate chorus like it gives me headaces but this song is like calm,fun,and easy(in a way)Everyone their was a kindergadernier singing this on youtube! i was like Umm how can he memorise it and i can't umm HOW!!?!??!?!?

3. Currently right now im in the 4th Grade and 4 and 5 grade does chourus 50 students from 4th Grade AND 110 kids in 5th Grade we always sing fifty nifty at the end and everyone loves it!!! They sing it in classes, recess,lunch, and at random times we make up our own parts and we dance to the song in chourus!!!! Its so joyful and fun. Thank you school systems.

4. This song is wieeeerd. I live in Georgia so at my elementery school, we at the end of the list of songs we go but Georgia is the best of the fifty nifty united states... Iit's also shorter.Don't you guy's love I mean love nick jonas? lol.Sorry I love Him.Anyways Ya'll gotta go!

5. i can't even express how many times this comes in handy. let's just say i wont a 50$ bet on a public bus for naming the states alphabetically in under 60 seconds

6. I am very flattered that everyone seems to like my song, but they're giving credit to the wrong Ray Charles for having written it. There are, or were, 2 Ray Charleses. I am the one who had the Ray Charles Singers with Perry Como for 35 years and I wrote the song as the theme for our "Salute the States" feature of our TV show. If you see my credit anyplace, it reads "the other Ray Charles".Incidentally, I sing the theme on "Three's Company".

Oh. Good to know.

Kristi Yamaguchi okaaaaay*

Sometimes I do not understand song lyrics. Like, the other day, Heidi and I were in the car and this happened:

Me: What are they saying? Are they saying, "I broke her face?"
Heidi: Um, no. They're saying, "my poker face."
Me: Ooooooh!

And if I don't know the song lyrics, I will still sing along. I'll either make up my own secret language (it sounds a lot like Adam Sandler gibberish) or I'll hum along. Badly. Joe hates this.

Me: I like this song.
Joe: Do you know this song?
Me: No. LAAAAALAAA . . . OOOOOOOH DADADADADA!
Joe: Why do you ruin music I love?

Anyway, I really have no point, other than apparently I kill wonder AND music. Watch out, Disney.

All week long, I've thought it's Friday. This is problematic, because when I realize it's not Friday, I want to throw myself on the floor and have a little tantrum. They frown on this at work. I found that out when they tried to tell me I couldn't wear jeans on Fridays and I threw my chair, sat on the floor, and told them I wasn't doing any work until I GOT MY CASUAL DAY BACK. I also threatened to hold my breath until I passed out but no one cared. Also, none of that really happened.

Last night, Joe came over and we made dinner, only we had to go to the grocery first because I'm never prepared for actual cooking. We ended up making a relatively healthy meal (angel hair pasta with red peppers, mushrooms, and tomatoes PLUS ALSO some chicken that took FOREVER TO COOK AND I WAS SO HUNGRY) and then ruined it with cupcakes and chocolate chip cookies. Oh, did I say "ruined it" because what I meant was "made it even more awesome YUM COOOOOOOKIES." Then we watched The West Wing. Maybe some of you (OK, Heather Anne) can give us some guidance on this. Joe only has the first four seasons of The West Wing and hasn't seen anything past that. I'd never seen any of it PERIOD until we started watching it. I'VE HEARD that maybe it's better to pretend the show ended after the fourth season. Is this true? Should I bother watching anymore? Please say I can just quit after season four, because Joe is getting Lost from Netflix and I'm pretty excited to rewatch everything so it all finally makes sense. That'll happen, right? Right? (Let's pretend, OK?)

*© Jeremy

Tiiii-iiiiime is on my side

Hey, remember that really annoying Time Warner commercial from a couple years ago? I know that doesn't help much because, as Time Warner is Satan's boyfriend, it follows that he puts out the most annoying commercials known to mankind, surpassed only by Hidy Honda and Buddy's Carpet. Those might be local commercials. Sorry. Actually no, if you've never seen a Hidy Honda or Buddy's Carpet commercial, consider yourself lucky.

Anyway. There was this really annoying Time Warner commercial, and in it, Vanessa Carlton (remember her?) warbles that song Time is On My Side. My point is, it's like the worst rendition of that song in existence. And I'm counting that time I sang it at a karaoke bar after 18 shots of tequila. OK, that never happened, but if it HAD, it still would have been better than that song. Um. Right. So.

I have absolutely no reason to be blogging right now, other than I'm bored and I have nothing else to do. Hey, it's just like the days of yore! You know! Yore! When I used to work at that orthodontist office and they would leave me unattended every Friday and I'd run out of work around 10 and spend the rest of the day blogging and reading the Internets! Good times. My 'n' key keeps sticking. So if any words are misspelled, that's why. I keep accidentally typing my name like this: Jeie, which is great because what I really want is for everyone at work to think I don't know how to spell my name right. Although, according to my parents, I haven't been spelling my name right since 4th grade. That's when I changed it from "Jenny" to "Jennie" because there were four other Jennifers in my class and they all went by Jenny and they all spelled it with a 'y' and I was all, "I want to be different!" I wish someone had told me I didn't have to change the spelling of my name because I was always going to be "different," no matter how I spelled my name. It would have saved a lot of confusion. And time. Because I've had lots of conversations like this:

HP (Hypothetical Person, not Harry Potter): Do you go by Jennifer?
Me: No, Jennie.
HP: Is that with a 'y' or an 'i'?
Me: "i-e."
HP: ...oh.

I didn't think it was that weird in 4th grade, but people seem to have a hard time with it. I almost started spelling it like this: Jinniey. I'm glad I didn't, though. Most people default to the wrong spelling (Jenny), but I don't get offended considering a lot of my family doesn't even remember to spell it right (Jennie). Tamara tried to convince me that I should start going by "Jen" or "Jennifer" at my new job, just to switch things up. I fully intended to do so on my first day, but then my new boss led me around introducing me as "Jennie with an ie," and I knew it wasn't going to happen. I finally got someone to remember that I'm Jennie with an 'ie' JUST when I don't want anyone to call me Jennie at ALL. Isn't it ironic? Well? Alanis? Anyone?

Anyway, NOW my point is I'm going to start going by Cassandra. Tell your friends.

Are you there, blog? It's me, Jennie.

One week in, and I still don't have access to everything I need in order to do my job and so here I sit, twiddling my thumbs and twirling my hair. Although, not at the same time because I only have two hands so that'd be impossible. Or at least really hard. Anyway. It's not that I mind mindlessly surfing the internet all day, it's just that I have so much time to mindlessly surf the internet THAT I'M RUNNING OUT OF INTERNET. My Google Reader is practically empty and if it goes to ZERO, prepare for FULL-BLOWN PANIC. You know, running through the building and screaming and tearing out hair and rending of garments etc. It's not pretty, is what I'm saying.

Yesterday, my coffeemaker went kaput, making this the fourth coffeemaker to die in our apartment. I blame the kitchen, not Heidi or I, because THROUGH NO FAULT OF OUR OWN*, most of the other kitchen appliances have also broken. Clearly there is some sort of Hellmouth under our kitchen so I'll place the blame there. I went exploring at lunch, even though I had no idea where I was going, which is a dangerous thing for someone like me who gets lost in her own apartment. Anyway, not only did I find a Target so I could replace my coffeemaker, but I found a Panera and a Chipotle AND A BOOKSTORE and a bunch of other stores that I had no use for today, but it's nice to know they're there. So, you know, it's a good thing this job pays more, is what I'm saying.

*aside from the garbage disposal

Well, what if there is no tomorrow? There wasn't one today.

QUESTION: If you woke up today to hear Sonny and Cher singing "I've Got You, Babe," would you or would you not poop yourself?

OK. Maybe you wouldn't poop yourself. I'd hope that at your age you have more control over your bowels than that. But wouldn't you FREAK OUT? I would. I'd smash my alarm clock and then call in sick to work, because whatever, it's not like it would matter. Today would just start over tomorrow. So this is what I would have done today, had I not gone to work on account of I was stuck in some sort of Groundhog Day loop and there were NO CONSEQUENCES:

Um, nothing. I would have done nothing. My idea of a perfect day is one in which I am in my pajamas for most of it and I don't have to leave the apartment, unless it's to do something fun like go to the movies or a bar. A bar with food and cheap drinks.

That's what we did Friday. Also, Saturday. Oh, but real quick I have a story about Groundhog Day. This one time, Joe and I were watching an episode of Chuck. It was the one where this dude crashes his car into the Best Buy Buy More and he takes everyone hostage and his name is Ned Rhyerson which is the same name as the annoying guy who accosts Bill Murray on the street every day. Also! Carl Winslow is in the movie reprising his role as Sgt. Powell from Die Hard. I dare you not to think that is awesome. I dare you!

Anyway, my point is, this weekend was fun, aside from a bit of vomiting. The vomiting wasn't a result of drinking, and it wasn't me doing the vomiting, although the vomiting did take place in my apartment. Let's not talk about that anymore. On Friday, Joe and I went to dinner at this delicious, delicious steak place and ate delicious steak and I ate a mountain of (delicious) mashed potatoes. There was this table of older couples sitting next to us, and the wine, it was a-flowing. At one point, they were talking about which was better -- Google or Yahoo, which (I guess) led to a discussion of instant messaging, which THEN led to this old guy saying, "Hey, how are you doing? LOL, laugh out loud, SMILEY FACE." It was awesome. Then he started talking about typing with one hand so I stopped listening.

After my dinner date with Joe, I headed to a drinks date with Heidi and we split a pitcher of magical beer. I say it was magical because it only cost $4. It was so magical that Steve, Heidi, and I went back again the following night. This time the magical beer gave us the power to ROCK OUT on Guitar Hero: World Tour. We played until I couldn't really see anymore, on account of I don't blink when I play that game LEST I MISS A NOTE. The best part was Heidi singing No Sleep Til Brooklyn. We all discovered that we didn't know any words to that song except these - no, sleep, til, Brooklyn. So Heidi made up her own words and then did a little freestyle rap at the end. I wish I'd recorded it, it was that good.

Then, of course, yesterday was The Puppy Bowl and also I think there was some football or something going on but I'm not sure because I was too busy planning to steal Schroder, the husky-beagle (Busky? Heagle? Beasky? Husgle?) who kept falling asleep on the field. After The Puppy Bowl I ate so much spicy chili that I still have heartburn. That's not going to stop me from eating the leftover chili my mom gave me, though. I do eventually learn from my mistakes, but only after I make them a couple of times.

You heard the news and you broke the White House.

Joe and I have been watching The West Wing because we finished every other TV show in existence.  So far, my favorite Bartlet speech is this one:

Hey, look at that.  November and NaBloMe are over.  Whoo!  

now is the time when I babble about TV

Last night, I caught up on some Grey's Anatomy and . . . yeah. Um. Show? What are you doing? I tried to explain part of one episode to Joe and it went something like this:

Me: So I was watching Grey's Anatomy?
Him: Why?
Me: Shut up. And guess who was on it?
Him: Who?
Me: Jeremy! From Sports Night!
Him: No way!
Me: Yeah. But it was not a very good storyline.
Him: Oh yeah?
Me: Yeah. His wife had a pimple and thought it was a Staph infection . . .
Him: Sure.
Me: And so she bought these antibiotics from the internet and the antibiotics killed off all the good bacteria in her body or something and Jeremy was her husband.
Him: OK.
Me: And so she could get back some of the good bacteria she had to have a poop transplant.
Him: A poop transplant?
Me: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Him: A POOP transplant?!
Me: AHAHAHAHAHA.
Him: Um.
Me: Ahahahahahahah poop.

And then I tried to explain what was going on with Izzy, because she's banging her dead fiance, which is totally rude because she's dating Alex now. Kat tells me that General Hospital did the exact same storyline and Izzy has a brain tumor. I assume this is for the writer-bashing Katherine Heigl did during the last Emmy season. I'm also guessing that the writers have no idea what to do with her character anymore. Remember when Izzy was likable? Before she went crazy and started killing her fiance and stealing hearts and sleeping with her gay BFF? Yeah, me neither.

ALSO. The interns tried to take out Vaughn's evil wife's appendix. I don't really have an opinion of her on Grey's because of Alias. I keep expecting her to go rogue, put on some black eyeliner, bang Sark, and start torturing the other doctors. That hasn't happened, though. YET. She's still recovering from almost dying so she can't get up to any shenanigans at the moment.

It turns out that's all I have to say about TV right now. Carry on.

It's a good day, too. I'm wearing my mustard shirt.

OH MY GOD, YOU GUYS, I'm so excited. I wish work was over. Unfortunately, it's not. Not even close. But whatever, we have beloved friends visiting tonight and there will be food and drinking and FUN, but hopefully no bar fights*.

Did you know it snowed yesterday? Well, it snowed yesterday and everyone forgot how to drive. Heidi explained to me that it's because a lot of people in Ohio are Republicans and Republicans are bad drivers. I never knew I was a Republican. Zing! Anyway.

Last night, while I was waiting for Heidi to get home, I did a bit of cleaning for our guests. Nothing extravagant like cleaning the bathroom (crazy), but vacuuming and cleaning Phoebe's litter box so it didn't smell like poo. Did I tell you I bought Phoebe a fancy, new litter box? It's one of those that has a little walkway and it's all inside an igloo, because I was tired of seeing her poo. Because, see, she doesn't always cover it up very well. Wow, anyway. I bought her this new one and I think she was really confused, because for a while, she wouldn't use it. So I took the lid off of it for a couple of days and then she used it and then I put the lid back on, but I wasn't sure if she was using it because she's not very smart. Maybe she just thought if the lid was on, the place to poo went away. You will never believe how happy I was yesterday when I lifted the lid and saw a bunch of turds. Joe called soon afterward and I was all, "Guess what! Phoebe pooped in her litter box!" and he was like, "Great, I just called to tell you about the CD I just found OK bye!"

You know, I think that's the greatest story I've ever told on a blog EVER. Speaking of blogging, today marks my fifth anniversary of blogging. Not just on this blog, though. Also here and here. Good times. Oh, shit, I guess it was yesterday. Oops.

Where was I? OK, so I cleaned a bit. Not as much as I should have. This is what we did last night instead of cleaning our apartment for our beloved friends:

• went to Starbucks and got hot chocolate (OH MY GOD YUM)
• went to Target, where I spent a bajillion dollars on toiletries and such
• went to Papa Murphy's to use a coupon and buy delicious pizza
• discussed a text message to send a boy
• watched 30 Rock
• watched Ugly Betty
• watched The Office
• watched more 30 Rock
• oh, and planted seeds for a tiny Christmas tree

Target Dollar Spot strikes again! I hope it grows big and strong by Christmas. Joe made fun of me (standard) for buying a tiny Christmas tree, but when Heidi and I are rich because of our Christmas tree farm, he's gonna be so jealous.

*fun fact: I found this entry by searching my blog posts for "bar police mom"

Guitar Hero: World Tour vs. Rock Band

I briefly discussed my feelings about Rock Band vs. World Tour the other day, but Shari is asking me to make a decision (dammit!) because she is tasked with choosing one AND ONLY ONE to buy for her kids for Christmas. This is difficult, because, well, I've only played World Tour once. But I'll do my best. Keep in mind, I am not an expert, I just really enjoy pretending I'm in a rock band. And I did some research, both HANDS ON and also with the whole reading thing.

First, let's discuss the track lists.

Rock Band: These plus five others, "Roxanne" by The Police, "Roam" by the B-52s, "Dirty Little Secret" by the All-American Rejects, "Don't Look Back in Anger" by Oasis, and "Rockaway Beach" by The Ramones. Plus, you can buy this disc of extras.

World Tour: These.

Songs from Rock Band I Couldn't Live Without: Don't Look Back in Anger, Don't Fear the Reaper, Wanted Dead or Alive, Orange Crush, Say it Ain't So, Creep, Here it Goes Again, Dani California

Songs from World Tour I Couldn't Live Without: No Sleep Til Brooklyn, Livin' on a Prayer, One Way or Another, Hotel California, The Wind Cries Mary, Beat It, Float On, The Joker, Eye of the Tiger

Advantage: TIE

Now, let's talk about instruments.

Rock Band: When you buy Rock Band, you get a set of drums (plus drumsticks, obviously), a guitar, and a microphone. Here's the kicker. If you already have a guitar, say, for regular old Guitar Hero, it doesn't work with Rock Band which is a total fucking ripoff. I have strong feelings about this. I realize they are two separate game systems and are in competition with one another, but if that's the case then Rock Band should come with two guitars. Or a guitar and a bass, if you will. Because, you see, Rock Band costs $180 or so. Anyway. The drum kit has four different colored pads, as well as a pedal. I'm not sure what the pads are made of, but they are really loud when you hit them. I suppose you don't NEED to hit them as hard as I do, but I feel like the true drumming experience calls for enthusiastic drumming, yes? Yes. You can buy drum silencers, but you just spent a billion dollars on this game, do you really want to spend more?

World Tour: The World Tour kit comes with a set of drums, a guitar, and a microphone, just like Rock Band, BUT if you already have a guitar for Guitar Hero, it works for World Tour as well. However, hopefully you have enough Wiimotes for all the instruments. You'll need one for the drums, one for the microphone, and one for each guitar. So plan ahead. I'd say it's kind of a bummer to have to buy extra Wiimotes, but if you have a lot of people playing any game on the Wii, it's nice to have extras Wiimotes and nunchucks. Also! The drums are much quieter when you hit them, plus there are cymbals.

Advantage: World Tour

Both games are fairly easy to play, with varying degrees of difficulty. You can play on Easy, Medium, Hard, or Expert on Rock Band. I believe it's the same on World Tour, except they have a Beginner function that's even easier than Easy. Which is pretty damn easy, I have to say.

Advantage: World Tour

The overall experience is really the important thing, but that's where I have a bit of trouble because I've only played World Tour once.

Rock Band: Basically, you create a rock band (duh), name it, and go on tour. Songs are split into groups of four (I think) and you have to beat three out of four to move onto the next group. Also, there are bonus songs. I've never played until you get to the very end, but I'm assuming you get showered with money and naked ladies or something. You can play the game with just the drums, singer, and guitar, but it's really more fun with guitar and bass because more people can play. This means, of course, buying that extra guitar.

World Tour: Same as Rock Band, really, only you play gigs. Each gig has two songs. With both Rock Band and World Tour, once you open up the songs, you can play them whenever you want. Again, the nice thing about World Tour is you don't have to worry about buying an extra guitar (if you already have one for Guitar Hero), so more people can play and it's win-win-win all around. Plus, the drums are way better.

Advantage: World Tour

VERDICT: It looks like World Tour is the winner, based on the above. After we played World Tour on Friday, I was still partial to Rock Band, but the more I think about it and the more I look into it, it seems like World Tour is the way to go. If someone gave me $200 bucks and I had to buy one or the other RIGHT NOW, I'd buy World Tour. At least until they come out with a new and improved version of Rock Band. Really, it's just a matter of preference. Both are excellent games that will give you hours and hours of fun times (or keep your kids occupied for hours and hours, leaving you alone to have your own hours and hours of fun times).

I don't even know, you guys

You know, earlier I was looking at my shoes and I realized they look sort of like Pilgrim shoes. Like, if I was going to dress up like a Pilgrim, and I could only use materials that I already owned, I would definitely wear these shoes. You might be asking yourself, "But Jennie, why would you ever want to dress up like a Pilgrim?" and I am here to tell you . . . I don't know. But I'm sure there are occasions to dress up like Pilgrim. Let's see. There's Halloween, for sure. I know Halloween is over, but it's never too early to start planning for next year. Or perhaps your family is totally weird and you dress up like Pilgrims and Indians for Thanksgiving. That could be fun, actually, but make sure it's accurate. After the Thanksgiving meal, you should kill a couple of the Indians by giving them smallpox or something. Just make sure one of your least favorite relatives dresses up like an Indian. That way you wouldn't have to listen to Uncle Bob's stories about his spastic colon at Christmas, and that's beneficial to everyone.

You know, I actually have dressed up like a Pilgrim before. We had Pioneer Day once in 6th grade and I realize those aren't EXACTLY the same thing, but I'm not sure my teacher knew that. I distinctly remember making Pilgrim hats, and then wearing a long, flowy skirt and a really uncomfortable button-up shirt, so no one would think I was a witch (read: whore) and burn me at the stake. That would be uncomfortable.

ACTUALLY, I think my shoes look more like witch shoes. Plus, I have on striped socks, just like the Wicked Witch of the East wore when she got crushed by Dorothy's flying house. And I'm sort of mean, so it totally fits.

Five Movie Monsters That Have Given Me Nightmares

1. Reavers from Firefly/Serenity

I had a nightmare about them last night, actually. They are sort of like zombies, except they're still alive and they can fly spaceships and also they rape you. Basically, they're really fucking scary. Here is an explanation. WARNING: clip contains spoilers.

2. Gremlins from, duh, Gremlins

I realize this is not a particularly scary movie, but when it was released, I was two years old. My parents rented it at some point when I was very, very young and for some reason let me watch it and it gave me nightmares for years. Like, I was convinced they lived under my bed, but only when the lights were turned off.

3. gremlin thingie from Cat's Eye

Again, this movie isn't scary, but I saw it when I was really young and it warped me for life. I think that, basically, this family takes in a cat and the mom hates it because she thinks cats steal your breath (what?) and she thinks this cat is stealing her daughter's breath or something (again, huh?) BUT it turns out that what's really happening is that this gremlin thing comes in through the wall and steals the girl's breath. The cat fights it, though, proving that cats are not, in fact, always evil.

4. Zombies from, um, any zombie movie

You know this. I mean LOOK.

5. tiny gremlin things from The Gate

I don't remember much about this movie, except these kids dig a huge hole or something in their backyard and evil things from the Hellmouth come out and try and sacrifice them or something. I don't know where the parents are. The only other thing I remember is that, at one point, an eyeball grows in this kid's hand and he stabs it with a piece of glass. That whole movie fucked me up. I saw it when I was like 8 WHY I DON'T KNOW. Hey LOOK, here's a clip. Wow, that movie looks awful. I kind of want to see it again.

BONUS: This isn't from a movie, but I used to have nightmares about pandas. They lived under my bed and would reach up from under, and they had glowing red eyes and long, sharp claws. Yeah, I don't know why.

So, basically, it seems like I mostly have a problem with zombies, zombie-like creatures, and gremlins. Good to know.

just in cases

I don't want to forget to tell you guys about this when I SURELY remember to blog FOR REALSIES later today, but OH MY GOD YOU GUYS, look at this:

CLICK THIS NOW. Seriously.

Did you hear that? That was my mind blowing.

You guys. I just got gas for under $20! And my car was on empty! Sure, my car is tiny and the total was $19.19 but last time I checked, $19.19 is still under $20, so suck it, haters.

I don't know why, but ever since the time changed, I've been wanting to go to bed earlier and earlier. Like, the other night, I looked outside and saw it was all dark and thought, "I should get ready for bed soon." It was 7:30.

Today has been a good day, food-wise. And since it's Monday and I'm at work, I would like to focus on the food goodness, not the work suckness. One of my coworkers likes to get up at the asscrack of dawn and bake before work. This is completely unreal to me. I get out of bed no earlier than I absolutely have to. I've tried, but it makes me want to die. Even at my old job, there were days I wouldn't have to be at work until like 11 or noon, and I'd still sleep as late as possible. I'd just stay up later. I'm a night owl. Hooooo hoooooooo. Wow. Although, seeing as how I'm trying to go to bed at 7:30, maybe I'm less of a night owl and more of a Rip Van Winkle. Or something. I don't know.

Aaaaanyway, so this lady brought in pumpkin bread this morning. It was delicious, although at first, I thought it was banana bread so that first bite was all sorts of confusing. Sort of like when you think you have a glass of water in front of you, but you take a drink and it's straight vodka. It happens. I saw it once.

Then I remembered that it's Free Cookie Monday at Subway, so that's what I'm doing right now. Free cookies taste so much better than cookies you have to pay for. It's economics or something.

deep thoughts

I've been watching a lot of TV lately. Here's the thing, though, I haven't really been watching that much NEW TV. It's mostly been TV shows on DVD, which is so much easier than watching stuff live. Not that TiVo lets us watch anything live anyway. Not when we can PAUSE REAL TIME MWAAHAAHAA!

Ahem. It's not to say I haven't still been watching new shows. Although I'm still behind on 30 Rock, I'm caught up on Pushing Daisies. And The Office.

(sidebar: Did The Office rip off 30 Rock last week? With Dwight wearing all the Cornell stuff? Like that dude wore the Harvard stuff on 30 Rock? I haven't actually seen that episode of 30 Rock so I'm not sure.)

I think I'm also behind on How I Met Your Mother. Um. I think that's all I watch. Until Lost starts, but even on that front, I'll totally watch the reruns if I catch them. I was watching it the other night and it was when they introduced the Tailies and I was all, "OMG, remember SHANNON?" and how she was banging Sayid? It was right after Boone died. I don't really remember. Anyway. Here are the shows I've been watching on DVD and also some thoughts:

Pushing Daisies: I was watching the new ones and Season 1 simultaneously, so I kept getting a bit confused about what happened when, but OH MY GOD YOU GUYS. I love this show. It makes me happy on my insides. I love every aspect of it, except that Ned and Chuck can't touch, yeah yeah yeah I KNOW that's important blah blah whatever. It doesn't stop me from loving the show, though, because you guys? There is a dog named Digby. And he is so cute. And when Kristen Chenowith made friends with a pig, she named it Pigby. How could you not love a show like that?

Chuck: I find this show enjoyable, but it frustrates me on a couple levels. I think, for the most part, the characters are all unique and hilarious and fun to watch. With the exception of one person, and that person is Sarah. This is a problem because she's like...one of the main characters. I don't really get why Chuck is all in love with her, because she's SO BLAND. Yeah, she's hot and could probably kill someone with her pinky, but YAAAAAAAAAWN. Also, and maybe this is because I watched the show all at once, I got so sick of the "will they won't they" Chuck/Sarah storyline. I know this is ridiculous, because that's half the reason I loved Alias so much, but...yeah, I think it's Sarah's fault. This one time Summer was on the show as Chuck's love interest and I really liked her. Because she had a personality. Anyway, if you ignore Sarah for the most part, the show is really good.

Firefly: I LOVED THIS SHOW. It was so fun. It was like cowboy pirates in space. I don't have much to say about this show, other than once we'd finished it and after we'd watched Serenity, I was sad there wasn't more to watch.

Sports Night: I've actually seen all of these episodes before, back when it was on TV all ahead of its time. I enjoy it. I heart the 90s fashions and it makes me wish Felicity Huffman's talent wasn't being wasted over on the set of Desperate Housewives. Get out, Felicity! Get out while you can!

The West Wing: Maybe it was because I was all inspired after the election, I don't know, but last night I really wanted to watch The West Wing. I never watched it when it was on because...I don't know. I forgot. I wish I'd watched it, though, IT'S AMAZING. I can see how it was a welcome escape through the Bush years. Jed Bartlet...that man gives good speech.

Tim Gunn vs. Stacy and Clinton

I'm addicted to a lot of things, from The Office to caffeine to mainlining the Internet daily, but my biggest time-wasting addiction is reality makeover shows. I prefer What Not to Wear or Tim Gunn's Guide to Style, but in a pinch, any makeover show will do, especially if it's America Next Top Model's makeover show, mostly because I like to watch skinny, pretty girls cry over their new hair-don'ts.

It's when I try and choose between What Not to Wear and Tim Gunn's Guide to Style that I run into trouble. I'd say my love of Tim Gunn pretty much equals my love of Stacy, Clinton, and Stacy's wardrobe, but if I were going to go on a makeover show, I think I'd rather be on What Not to Wear. I think. I'm not even sure that's true. See, you get $5000 to spend in NYC on What Not to Wear, but I'm not sure how far that goes in those stores. On the other hand, Tim Gunn's lucky ladies get to pick out ten "essential" items from Macy's, which . . . yeah, doesn't sound that great BUT JUST HOLD ON A SECOND. Tim Gunn then takes the contestant to some designer's studio, where she always ends up getting to KEEP a dress. ALSO. There's this bit in the beginning where they get to go to La Perla and pick out lots of fancy, expensive bras. The downside is, Tim Gunn's lady model friend goes through your underwear drawer and all of TVland sees your granny panties, plus you have to model your new bras while you're trying them on at La Perla.

There are downsides to both shows, I suppose. I mean, it always looks like they throw away the majority of your wardrobe. Even t-shirts! That part always makes me cry a little so then I go to my own closet and pull out my favorite t-shirts to give them long, loving hugs. I'm pretty sure they don't ACTUALLY throw all of your clothes away, probably just the really skanky ones you shouldn't be wearing anyway.

And then! You get your hair cut and styled and they show you how to put on makeup without looking like a tranny clown whore, which is always an important step in any woman's life. Now that I think about it, I'm changing my mind about which show I'd want to be on. Stacy and Clinton are funny and fierce and have that cool (but scary) all-around mirror, but Tim Gunn almost always cries at some point because of how good he made the woman look. Plus also, he gives them better self-esteem and seems like he actually cares about your stupid problems. I don't think Stacy and/or Clinton have ever cried over anyone. Not that I'd turn down either show if someone wanted to submit me for one of them. I would happily parade around in my bra on television if it meant I'd get a shiny new wardrobe.

WINNER: Tim Gunn (duh)