Did you know that you can only listen to 40 hours of Pandora a month? I didn't. Until I apparently reached my limit, which I did today. I thought at first that 40 hours was really impressive but I don't think it is. I have Pandora on most of the time at work, so that's an easy 40 hours right there. In a week, even.
At first I was really worried because WHAT WOULD I DO FOR MUSIC? I found out that we can hear the music from shows in our offices during rehearsals and showtime but there aren't any shows right now. And I always forget my iPod at home, or if I do remember it, it's not charged and don't ask me where my charger is because I DON'T KNOW I DON'T EVER KNOW. But whatever, don't worry (I know you were worried), I paid 99 cents and now I can listen to Pandora for the rest of the month and my limit starts over in September. Can you imagine, though? No music at work? To miss out on the joy that is Part of Your World popping up after, like, Radiohead or something? No thank you.
Anyway, what was I talking about? Who knows. How many times have I typed "what am I talking about?" on my blog might be a better question only probably not really because the answer is DUH A LOT. Guess what we did last night? Guess. I SAID GUESS. No, but seriously, folks, we put an offer on a house last night. I wasn't going to say anything because I was afraid of jinxing it but we didn't say anything LAST time we put an offer on a house and we still didn't get it so I am throwing caution to the wind. Here, wind! Take it! Take all the caution! I don't even want it anyway!
So, yeah, we met our realtor after work to sign all the paperwork and did you know putting on offer on a house is kind of a big deal? Because I guess it is. There's a contract and you have to hand over a check and everything. I signed my name a bunch of times and didn't even hyperventilate once! That will happen when and if we end up getting the house and I then realize we just bought this giant thing where millions of things could go wrong and we won't have a landlord to call anymore. OMG WHAT HAVE WE DONE.
No, seriously, it's fine. It'll be really nice if we get it because there's a giant backyard, all for Max, which is great because he refuses to use the litter box, unless he's sneaking into it to steal cat poop. We mentioned the cat-poop-thievery to the vet when she suggested putting Max on a diet (he's packed on a few pounds...don't mention it to him, he's sensitive) and I was all, "I think he's hungry because he got in the litter box the other day and hardly ever does that," and she was like, "Oh, yeah, he's not hungry, he's just stealing Kitty Cookies, lol. Cat poop is like dessert to dogs." It was an informative visit, is what I'm saying.
Anyway, there was an earthquake today, too, so that's weird. I mean, it wasn't IN Ohio but I certainly felt it in Ohio. We don't usually get earthquakes here but this one time when I was in 3rd grade they were worried about some giant earthquake that was supposed to hit (I don't know the details because I was 9, but it probably had something to do with the Hellmouth being in Cleveland) BUT ANYWAY we had to have earthquake drills and that consisted of sitting under our desks, which doesn't really seem that safe but whatever, I don't know about surviving an earthquake, only about surviving tornadoes and MORE IMPORTANTLY zombies. Did you know this entire paragraph was only two sentences? Well, three now. Four. Five. Shit.
You guys, WHAT is this post even about? You know what the problem is? I started it yesterday morning and now it is today evening and guess what I don't even care, I'm posting it anyway, non-sensicalness and all. For what is life without a little non-sensicalness? Besides more sensical and stuff. But who wants that? I can't decide how to end this but I need to go watch some Mad Men reruns until it's time to go to bed so BYE.
Showing posts with label zombies will eat your face. Show all posts
Showing posts with label zombies will eat your face. Show all posts
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Who knows where thoughts come from, they just appear!
I think weird thoughts, like, all the time. And after I think these thoughts, I wonder what's wrong with me. Like, sometimes I'll be having a crazy thought and be all, "STOP THINKING THIS RIGHT NOW...WTH IS WRONG WITH YOU? STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT," like if I'm home alone and trying to go to sleep and suddenly I'm imagining someone lurking into the dark room and when I open my eyes, I know I'll see someone standing over me, swinging an axe over my head, I just know it, but can I stop thinking about it? No, I cannot. I can never stop my brain from thinking a thought it's already started thinking.
Like, every morning, since I get up first, I take Max out so his bladder doesn't explode all over the house because that would probably be messy, and I already have to clean up Phoebe's barf so I'm not cleaning up exploded bladder, too. And since I have to get up super early so my corporate overlords don't fire me, it's still dark out when I walk him. I also usually forget to put on my glasses, so everything is all blurry around the edges, but blurrier than it would normally be when I'm not wearing glasses because I'm all half asleep. And bra-less. That has nothing to do with this story, but in the spirit of full disclosure, I thought I'd share it.
ANYWAY. We're walking and it's dark and blurry and I'm stumbling over my flip flops and shivering because I'm wearing pajama pants and when did it get so cold, Ohio? And every time I hear a noise, my mind immediately goes to zombies. I don't know why. It just does. I mean, sure, I've been reading World War Z every night before bed, but I think that's irrelevant because I've had this zombie-phobia for YEARS now. So then I start imagining what I would do if a zombie ran up behind me. I'd have to protect Max, obviously, but I'd need to find a weapon and THERE ARE NO WEAPONS OUTSIDE. I'd have to rip a branch off of a tree but I'm pretty sure that by the time I managed that, the zombie would have already ripped off an ear or something. PLUS. Since everything is all no-glasses-blurry, I might not even notice that the person approaching me is a zombie until it's too late. My point is, I'm screwed if zombies attack in the morning unless I start remembering to put on my glasses before I go outside.
I have a lot of these weird (ok, crazy) thoughts while I'm walking Max. Last night, I was walking him and listening to my iPod and this little girl was playing with a giant stick in her yard. And as I passed her, I thought, "What if she hits me in the head with that stick and goes all Lord of the Flies on me or tries to steal my iPod? I'd have to kick her or something. Would I get arrested? I'd just be defending myself. But she's like 8." Luckily, I'm really short so we were almost the same height and I think the police might have let me off with just a warning.
Last week, I was walking Max at night through a neighboring neighborhood and he totally pooped in someone's bushes! When he did it, I was all, "Are you KIDDING me?" and no, he was not kidding me, but it was so dark that I couldn't find the poo to pick it up and I'm not proud of this but we had to run away. And since we did that, we couldn't walk back to our house the same way or we would have passed the scene of the crime, so I had to cut through the wooded/pond area that is TOTALLY SCARY IN THE DARK. And I kept picturing the headlines, "WOMAN DISAPPEARS FROM PARK, DOG FOUND CHASING DUCKS AT POND" and hoping that if any serial killers were roaming the woods that night, that they would stay away because of my vicious, 25 pound dog. Sigh. Or. OR! That if they attacked me, I'd like, tap into some previously unknown Slayer powers that are lying dormant inside me. IT COULD HAPPEN, SHUT UP.
Also, the other day as I was driving home from work, I wondered what I would do if I turned into some sort of fish mutant while I was driving and could no longer breathe oxygen. I'd have to just drive my car into some water, right? But, like, how would I call Joe and tell him I'd turned into a fish mutant? Do cell phones work underwater? Or would I have to drive into a lake, let the car fill up with water, and then drive home and hope the water didn't leak out during the drive? And, I don't know, live in the bathtub for the rest of my life. You have to prepare for these things, you guys, I'm serious. You'll thank me if you ever turn into a fish mutant.
Like, every morning, since I get up first, I take Max out so his bladder doesn't explode all over the house because that would probably be messy, and I already have to clean up Phoebe's barf so I'm not cleaning up exploded bladder, too. And since I have to get up super early so my corporate overlords don't fire me, it's still dark out when I walk him. I also usually forget to put on my glasses, so everything is all blurry around the edges, but blurrier than it would normally be when I'm not wearing glasses because I'm all half asleep. And bra-less. That has nothing to do with this story, but in the spirit of full disclosure, I thought I'd share it.
ANYWAY. We're walking and it's dark and blurry and I'm stumbling over my flip flops and shivering because I'm wearing pajama pants and when did it get so cold, Ohio? And every time I hear a noise, my mind immediately goes to zombies. I don't know why. It just does. I mean, sure, I've been reading World War Z every night before bed, but I think that's irrelevant because I've had this zombie-phobia for YEARS now. So then I start imagining what I would do if a zombie ran up behind me. I'd have to protect Max, obviously, but I'd need to find a weapon and THERE ARE NO WEAPONS OUTSIDE. I'd have to rip a branch off of a tree but I'm pretty sure that by the time I managed that, the zombie would have already ripped off an ear or something. PLUS. Since everything is all no-glasses-blurry, I might not even notice that the person approaching me is a zombie until it's too late. My point is, I'm screwed if zombies attack in the morning unless I start remembering to put on my glasses before I go outside.
I have a lot of these weird (ok, crazy) thoughts while I'm walking Max. Last night, I was walking him and listening to my iPod and this little girl was playing with a giant stick in her yard. And as I passed her, I thought, "What if she hits me in the head with that stick and goes all Lord of the Flies on me or tries to steal my iPod? I'd have to kick her or something. Would I get arrested? I'd just be defending myself. But she's like 8." Luckily, I'm really short so we were almost the same height and I think the police might have let me off with just a warning.
Last week, I was walking Max at night through a neighboring neighborhood and he totally pooped in someone's bushes! When he did it, I was all, "Are you KIDDING me?" and no, he was not kidding me, but it was so dark that I couldn't find the poo to pick it up and I'm not proud of this but we had to run away. And since we did that, we couldn't walk back to our house the same way or we would have passed the scene of the crime, so I had to cut through the wooded/pond area that is TOTALLY SCARY IN THE DARK. And I kept picturing the headlines, "WOMAN DISAPPEARS FROM PARK, DOG FOUND CHASING DUCKS AT POND" and hoping that if any serial killers were roaming the woods that night, that they would stay away because of my vicious, 25 pound dog. Sigh. Or. OR! That if they attacked me, I'd like, tap into some previously unknown Slayer powers that are lying dormant inside me. IT COULD HAPPEN, SHUT UP.
Also, the other day as I was driving home from work, I wondered what I would do if I turned into some sort of fish mutant while I was driving and could no longer breathe oxygen. I'd have to just drive my car into some water, right? But, like, how would I call Joe and tell him I'd turned into a fish mutant? Do cell phones work underwater? Or would I have to drive into a lake, let the car fill up with water, and then drive home and hope the water didn't leak out during the drive? And, I don't know, live in the bathtub for the rest of my life. You have to prepare for these things, you guys, I'm serious. You'll thank me if you ever turn into a fish mutant.
Friday, August 13, 2010
Some days I'm more afraid of zombies than others.
This is one of those days. I'm never sure what sets it off. It could be that I dreamt about zombies last night, but I don't really remember if I dreamt about zombies. I do remember that I was leading Bill Clinton through the first castle you have to beat in Zelda (Super Nintendo version), but I think that has something to do with seeing Scott Pilgrim. No idea why Bill Clinton was there. He does seem like he'd be fun to hang out with, so long as he keeps his hands to himself.
Sometimes zombie thoughts just pop into my head, zombie dreams or not. Not sure why. This morning, I was putting a signed form on the outside door so UPS would drop off my package (heh), and as I stood there, sticking the note to the door, I thought, "It's awfully quiet out here...this is the part of the zombie movie when a zombie would jump out from behind those bushes and bite my face off."
Then I heard a noise and ran back inside.
It's because mornings are so quiet, I think, that my imagination starts to run wild. Also, in a lot of zombie movies, morning is when SHIT GETS REAL. It's morning when Shaun (of the Dead) finds zombies in his backyard. In the new Dawn of the Dead, Anna Faris wakes up and there's a creepy child standing in their hallway, a creepy child who BITES HER HUSBAND'S NECK OFF. And then her husband turns into a zombie right in front of her and tries to eat her and she has to shimmy out the bathroom window and run to her car and luckily her car keys were on the nightstand so she can, you know, drive away but WHO REALLY DOES THAT? Who keeps their car keys in the bedroom? Do you guys? I guess I need to start keeping my car keys on the nightstand but we don't HAVE a window in the bathroom so if I get stuck in there, I'm screwed. There aren't even any good weapons in there.
The mornings when I don't see anyone outside are the worst. Usually, at some point, I'll see or hear a neighbor go out to their car or walk their dog and I think, "OK, there probably wasn't a zombie apocalypse last night." But if I don't see anyone? Then I just don't know. I think, what if all the neighbors are zombies now and they're just hiding in dark places until my brain gets close enough for them to eat it? WHAT THEN? CONSTANT VIGILANCE, that's the only answer.
This morning I didn't see anyone outside the whole time I was getting ready. So I knew that a zombie apocalypse was totally possible. Obviously. LOGIC. I was kind of terrified to go out to my car, now that it's in the garage. For a long time, our garage was full of random crap so there was no room for my car, but NO MORE. I had to walk down a long, creepy hallway to another hallway to the dark garage and as I reached through the door to hit the "open garage door" button so the light would come on, I imagined one of those rage zombies from 28 Days Later sprinting out from a dark corner and BITING MY HAND OFF and I'm not kidding, you guys, I might have whimpered a little.
It's seriously exhausting being in my head sometimes. Especially on zombie days.
Sometimes zombie thoughts just pop into my head, zombie dreams or not. Not sure why. This morning, I was putting a signed form on the outside door so UPS would drop off my package (heh), and as I stood there, sticking the note to the door, I thought, "It's awfully quiet out here...this is the part of the zombie movie when a zombie would jump out from behind those bushes and bite my face off."
Then I heard a noise and ran back inside.
It's because mornings are so quiet, I think, that my imagination starts to run wild. Also, in a lot of zombie movies, morning is when SHIT GETS REAL. It's morning when Shaun (of the Dead) finds zombies in his backyard. In the new Dawn of the Dead, Anna Faris wakes up and there's a creepy child standing in their hallway, a creepy child who BITES HER HUSBAND'S NECK OFF. And then her husband turns into a zombie right in front of her and tries to eat her and she has to shimmy out the bathroom window and run to her car and luckily her car keys were on the nightstand so she can, you know, drive away but WHO REALLY DOES THAT? Who keeps their car keys in the bedroom? Do you guys? I guess I need to start keeping my car keys on the nightstand but we don't HAVE a window in the bathroom so if I get stuck in there, I'm screwed. There aren't even any good weapons in there.
The mornings when I don't see anyone outside are the worst. Usually, at some point, I'll see or hear a neighbor go out to their car or walk their dog and I think, "OK, there probably wasn't a zombie apocalypse last night." But if I don't see anyone? Then I just don't know. I think, what if all the neighbors are zombies now and they're just hiding in dark places until my brain gets close enough for them to eat it? WHAT THEN? CONSTANT VIGILANCE, that's the only answer.
This morning I didn't see anyone outside the whole time I was getting ready. So I knew that a zombie apocalypse was totally possible. Obviously. LOGIC. I was kind of terrified to go out to my car, now that it's in the garage. For a long time, our garage was full of random crap so there was no room for my car, but NO MORE. I had to walk down a long, creepy hallway to another hallway to the dark garage and as I reached through the door to hit the "open garage door" button so the light would come on, I imagined one of those rage zombies from 28 Days Later sprinting out from a dark corner and BITING MY HAND OFF and I'm not kidding, you guys, I might have whimpered a little.
It's seriously exhausting being in my head sometimes. Especially on zombie days.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
NaNo Day 8
Good day, Internets. It's a strange day here in Ohio because, you see, it's November, which usually means chilly temperatures and SOMETIMES even snow but today? Today I have all of the windows open and I'm sitting here in shorts and a t-shirt and it's amazing. It's Ohio, though, which means it could snow tomorrow, but today I'm going to enjoy the 70 degrees.
The procrastination continues, but I managed to finally get around to writing. Not until I'd done all manner of important things, though. Things like grocery shopping, vacuuming, laundry, farming...you know, normal Sunday chores. Here are my numbers:
Word goal for the day: 1667
Words written today: 1770
Total goal: 13336
Total written so far: 16108
Words ahead/behind goal: +2772
The first week is over and it went better than I anticipated. I'm surprised I was able to stick to my goal of writing a set amount of words (and then some) every day. I've heard Week 2 is a lot harder than Week 1, so I'm a little worried.
Last night, Joe and I had planned to grill hamburgers, forgetting that, um, it gets dark at 6 o'clock now. When we realized this, we decided to go out to dinner (yessssss) and then to the movies (yesssssss). We ended up at Bar Louie after hearing about the 45 minute wait at Mongolian BBQ (seriously?) and it was magical because there was no wait AT ALL. Which is odd. After dinner, we went to see Zombieland and OH MYLANTA, it was so good. I am simultaneously terrified of and fascinated by zombies, which means I will see any zombie movie made, but I will be on the verge of peeing my pants the entire time. It's a dangerous game, but well worth it, I think.
The procrastination continues, but I managed to finally get around to writing. Not until I'd done all manner of important things, though. Things like grocery shopping, vacuuming, laundry, farming...you know, normal Sunday chores. Here are my numbers:
Word goal for the day: 1667
Words written today: 1770
Total goal: 13336
Total written so far: 16108
Words ahead/behind goal: +2772
The first week is over and it went better than I anticipated. I'm surprised I was able to stick to my goal of writing a set amount of words (and then some) every day. I've heard Week 2 is a lot harder than Week 1, so I'm a little worried.
Last night, Joe and I had planned to grill hamburgers, forgetting that, um, it gets dark at 6 o'clock now. When we realized this, we decided to go out to dinner (yessssss) and then to the movies (yesssssss). We ended up at Bar Louie after hearing about the 45 minute wait at Mongolian BBQ (seriously?) and it was magical because there was no wait AT ALL. Which is odd. After dinner, we went to see Zombieland and OH MYLANTA, it was so good. I am simultaneously terrified of and fascinated by zombies, which means I will see any zombie movie made, but I will be on the verge of peeing my pants the entire time. It's a dangerous game, but well worth it, I think.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
why people have kids, I think:
and especially:
Yes, I know these are all old and this is the laziest post ever. It's the weekend, what do you expect? Real words? Pshaw.
Saturday, December 20, 2008
I want you to feel like you're gonna die
Those words are spoken by Jillian Michaels on Level 2 of her 30 Day Shred DVD and OH MY GOD, Jillian, MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I think you're supposed to do the video for 30 days straight, but at the pace I'm going, I'll have finished the 30 days in about six months. It's not my fault, though. Stuff keeps happening, like Rockville or the hospital or pizza and cookies, and then the video fucked up my knee so I had to stop for a while. I don't know why I decided to move to Level 2. I still want to die sometimes after Level 1, probably because I skip working out for weeks at a time, so every time I do it (heh, do it) it's essentially like I'm starting all over again.
This is what I did this morning, before guilting myself into the workout:
I think you're supposed to do the video for 30 days straight, but at the pace I'm going, I'll have finished the 30 days in about six months. It's not my fault, though. Stuff keeps happening, like Rockville or the hospital or pizza and cookies, and then the video fucked up my knee so I had to stop for a while. I don't know why I decided to move to Level 2. I still want to die sometimes after Level 1, probably because I skip working out for weeks at a time, so every time I do it (heh, do it) it's essentially like I'm starting all over again.
This is what I did this morning, before guilting myself into the workout:
- drank a shitload of coffee
- watched Chuck vs. Tom Sawyer
- read some Internets
- decided to maybe go running
- checked Weather.com, saw it was only 26 degrees, decided not to go running
- played Guitar Hero
- thought, "I should work out...maybe I should eat one of those protein bars Heidi said are in the cupboard."
- couldn't find protein bars
- read some more Internets
- worked out
- died
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Five Movie Monsters That Have Given Me Nightmares
1. Reavers from Firefly/Serenity
I had a nightmare about them last night, actually. They are sort of like zombies, except they're still alive and they can fly spaceships and also they rape you. Basically, they're really fucking scary. Here is an explanation. WARNING: clip contains spoilers.
2. Gremlins from, duh, Gremlins
I realize this is not a particularly scary movie, but when it was released, I was two years old. My parents rented it at some point when I was very, very young and for some reason let me watch it and it gave me nightmares for years. Like, I was convinced they lived under my bed, but only when the lights were turned off.
3. gremlin thingie from Cat's Eye
Again, this movie isn't scary, but I saw it when I was really young and it warped me for life. I think that, basically, this family takes in a cat and the mom hates it because she thinks cats steal your breath (what?) and she thinks this cat is stealing her daughter's breath or something (again, huh?) BUT it turns out that what's really happening is that this gremlin thing comes in through the wall and steals the girl's breath. The cat fights it, though, proving that cats are not, in fact, always evil.
4. Zombies from, um, any zombie movie
You know this. I mean LOOK.
5. tiny gremlin things from The Gate
I don't remember much about this movie, except these kids dig a huge hole or something in their backyard and evil things from the Hellmouth come out and try and sacrifice them or something. I don't know where the parents are. The only other thing I remember is that, at one point, an eyeball grows in this kid's hand and he stabs it with a piece of glass. That whole movie fucked me up. I saw it when I was like 8 WHY I DON'T KNOW. Hey LOOK, here's a clip. Wow, that movie looks awful. I kind of want to see it again.
BONUS: This isn't from a movie, but I used to have nightmares about pandas. They lived under my bed and would reach up from under, and they had glowing red eyes and long, sharp claws. Yeah, I don't know why.
I had a nightmare about them last night, actually. They are sort of like zombies, except they're still alive and they can fly spaceships and also they rape you. Basically, they're really fucking scary. Here is an explanation. WARNING: clip contains spoilers.
2. Gremlins from, duh, Gremlins
I realize this is not a particularly scary movie, but when it was released, I was two years old. My parents rented it at some point when I was very, very young and for some reason let me watch it and it gave me nightmares for years. Like, I was convinced they lived under my bed, but only when the lights were turned off.
3. gremlin thingie from Cat's Eye
Again, this movie isn't scary, but I saw it when I was really young and it warped me for life. I think that, basically, this family takes in a cat and the mom hates it because she thinks cats steal your breath (what?) and she thinks this cat is stealing her daughter's breath or something (again, huh?) BUT it turns out that what's really happening is that this gremlin thing comes in through the wall and steals the girl's breath. The cat fights it, though, proving that cats are not, in fact, always evil.
4. Zombies from, um, any zombie movie
You know this. I mean LOOK.
5. tiny gremlin things from The Gate
I don't remember much about this movie, except these kids dig a huge hole or something in their backyard and evil things from the Hellmouth come out and try and sacrifice them or something. I don't know where the parents are. The only other thing I remember is that, at one point, an eyeball grows in this kid's hand and he stabs it with a piece of glass. That whole movie fucked me up. I saw it when I was like 8 WHY I DON'T KNOW. Hey LOOK, here's a clip. Wow, that movie looks awful. I kind of want to see it again.
BONUS: This isn't from a movie, but I used to have nightmares about pandas. They lived under my bed and would reach up from under, and they had glowing red eyes and long, sharp claws. Yeah, I don't know why.
So, basically, it seems like I mostly have a problem with zombies, zombie-like creatures, and gremlins. Good to know.
Friday, October 31, 2008
I've learned there are three things you don't discuss with people: religion, politics, and the Great Pumpkin.
So. I signed up for NaBloPoMo again this year, and will be posting every day in November. Remember how I did it last year? And then didn't blog for all of December? Yeah, we'll see how it goes this time.
I'm going to make it easier on myself, though. I started some stories . . . um, a long time ago and posted the first part, but WHAT YOU DON'T KNOW is I've been working on them in secret ever since then. And when I say working on them, I mean I'll write 100 words about every two weeks, when I remember I'm supposed to be writing stories. So I'll be continuing one or both of those throughout November so I don't have to come up with stuff about my life to write about every day. You know, I say that is my plan right now, but that could very well change tomorrow. I think you know by now that you should take everything I say with a grain of salt. What does that even mean? Take it with a grain of salt . . . what?
Well. According to Wikipedia:
(With) a grain of salt is a literal translation of a Latin phrase, (cum*) grano salis.
In common parlance, if something is to be taken with a grain of salt, it means that a copious measure of skepticism should be applied regarding a claim; that it should not be blindly accepted and believed without any doubt or reservation. According to the Oxford English Dictionary "to take 'it' with a grain of salt" means "to accept a thing less than fully". It dates this usage back to 1647.
The phrase comes from Pliny the Elder's Naturalis Historia, regarding the discovery of a recipe for an antidote to a poison. In the antidote, one of the ingredients was a grain of salt. Threats involving the poison were thus to be taken "with a grain of salt" and therefore less seriously. An alternative account says that the Roman general believed he could make himself immune to poison by ingesting small amounts of various poisons, and he took this treatment with a grain of salt to help him swallow the poison. In this version, the salt is not the antidote, it was taken merely to assist in swallowing the poison.
So BASICALLY I just compared my words to poison, and if you drink the poison, take some antidote that has a grain of salt in it. Or you could just try eating a grain of salt, but you'll probably die. Sorry.
Last night, I went over to my parents' house to help them pass out candy, although I mostly stood there staring out the window, hoping this kid on a skateboard would fall down, oh, and also drinking wine and eating my weight in tiny Twix bars. There was a little discussion of the upcoming election, and I may or may not have promised my sister $5 if she voted for Obama. The offer still stands, Mindy.
I'm KIDDING! I'd give her way more than $5. ZING!
Um. Anyway. It being Halloween and all, we were allowed to dress up at work today. I went the Jim Halpert Three-Hole-Punch route, meaning the lazy route. I'm not Three-Hole-Punch Jennie, instead I'm Jennie on the Weekend. My costume includes the following: jeans, sweater, Chuck Taylors. There weren't really any good costumes at work this year. No Storm Troopers or Marios. We did get to go to the conference center for hot cider and snacks and OH MY GOD, YOU GUYS they had tiny pies! You know on Pushing Daisies? When Chuck makes cup-pies? THEY WERE JUST LIKE THAT. Adorable.
And now I'm sitting here wondering if someone spiked my cider, because I'm feeling a little fuzzy and also my face is all warm. I mean, I just wish someone would have TOLD me the cider was spiked. I would have had more.
*hee
I'm going to make it easier on myself, though. I started some stories . . . um, a long time ago and posted the first part, but WHAT YOU DON'T KNOW is I've been working on them in secret ever since then. And when I say working on them, I mean I'll write 100 words about every two weeks, when I remember I'm supposed to be writing stories. So I'll be continuing one or both of those throughout November so I don't have to come up with stuff about my life to write about every day. You know, I say that is my plan right now, but that could very well change tomorrow. I think you know by now that you should take everything I say with a grain of salt. What does that even mean? Take it with a grain of salt . . . what?
Well. According to Wikipedia:
(With) a grain of salt is a literal translation of a Latin phrase, (cum*) grano salis.
In common parlance, if something is to be taken with a grain of salt, it means that a copious measure of skepticism should be applied regarding a claim; that it should not be blindly accepted and believed without any doubt or reservation. According to the Oxford English Dictionary "to take 'it' with a grain of salt" means "to accept a thing less than fully". It dates this usage back to 1647.
The phrase comes from Pliny the Elder's Naturalis Historia, regarding the discovery of a recipe for an antidote to a poison. In the antidote, one of the ingredients was a grain of salt. Threats involving the poison were thus to be taken "with a grain of salt" and therefore less seriously. An alternative account says that the Roman general believed he could make himself immune to poison by ingesting small amounts of various poisons, and he took this treatment with a grain of salt to help him swallow the poison. In this version, the salt is not the antidote, it was taken merely to assist in swallowing the poison.
So BASICALLY I just compared my words to poison, and if you drink the poison, take some antidote that has a grain of salt in it. Or you could just try eating a grain of salt, but you'll probably die. Sorry.
Last night, I went over to my parents' house to help them pass out candy, although I mostly stood there staring out the window, hoping this kid on a skateboard would fall down, oh, and also drinking wine and eating my weight in tiny Twix bars. There was a little discussion of the upcoming election, and I may or may not have promised my sister $5 if she voted for Obama. The offer still stands, Mindy.
I'm KIDDING! I'd give her way more than $5. ZING!
Um. Anyway. It being Halloween and all, we were allowed to dress up at work today. I went the Jim Halpert Three-Hole-Punch route, meaning the lazy route. I'm not Three-Hole-Punch Jennie, instead I'm Jennie on the Weekend. My costume includes the following: jeans, sweater, Chuck Taylors. There weren't really any good costumes at work this year. No Storm Troopers or Marios. We did get to go to the conference center for hot cider and snacks and OH MY GOD, YOU GUYS they had tiny pies! You know on Pushing Daisies? When Chuck makes cup-pies? THEY WERE JUST LIKE THAT. Adorable.
And now I'm sitting here wondering if someone spiked my cider, because I'm feeling a little fuzzy and also my face is all warm. I mean, I just wish someone would have TOLD me the cider was spiked. I would have had more.
*hee
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Good news, everyone!
NBC is back! This is good. Not that I won't miss HBO Family. They had been showing Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead like . . . every single day. I heart that movie. Did you know David Duchovny is in it? Well, he is. David Duchovny is also in Beethoven. He and the wife from Everybody Loves Raymond get dragged down the street by the dog. It's funny, if you're a little kid. Actually, even then, it's not really funny.
Internets, prepare to have your minds blown. I haven't even watched last week's episode of The Office yet. I KNOW. I have no good reason for not watching it. It's not like I've been out saving homeless babies from zombies. I mean, zombies wouldn't eat babies anyway, homeless or otherwise, because baby brains are TINY and the zombies would still be really hungry afterward. It would just be a waste of their energy. Anyway. I need to watch it ASAP. Like, before tonight's episode. Now that it's back on TV, I HAVE to watch it live. Or whatever. I mean, it's Beggar's Night, so I might be busy throwing candy at children.
Last night, I watched that Obama thingie that was on a zillion channels. I wasn't going to, because I already know I'm voting for him, but this person in my office listens to conservative talk radio all day (ALL. FUCKING. DAY.), so when Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity start bitching about it, I want to know what they're talking about. Although, when I hear them talking, I don't really hear words, mostly I just hear, "waaaah waaaaaaaah wah wah . . . wah wah waaaaaah," which sort of sounds like a combination of Chewbacca and the adults from the Peanuts cartoons. It's not a pleasant sound, but it's still better than what their real voices sound like. Anyway, I'm really glad I watched it. I even got a little teary, which honestly is not that big of a feat. I get teary during episodes of Saved by the Bell because YOU KNOW WHAT? It was really sad when Zack and Kelly broke up!
I was going to refrain from all political talk this time around, after live-blogging the election four years ago, but I am very, very nervous. Even more nervous than I was in 2004 and believe you me, I was PRETTY DAMN NERVOUS in 2004. I never would have thought that anything would be scarier than another four years of W, but congratulations McCain and Palin! You did it!
UPDATE: Halloween pictures!
Internets, prepare to have your minds blown. I haven't even watched last week's episode of The Office yet. I KNOW. I have no good reason for not watching it. It's not like I've been out saving homeless babies from zombies. I mean, zombies wouldn't eat babies anyway, homeless or otherwise, because baby brains are TINY and the zombies would still be really hungry afterward. It would just be a waste of their energy. Anyway. I need to watch it ASAP. Like, before tonight's episode. Now that it's back on TV, I HAVE to watch it live. Or whatever. I mean, it's Beggar's Night, so I might be busy throwing candy at children.
Last night, I watched that Obama thingie that was on a zillion channels. I wasn't going to, because I already know I'm voting for him, but this person in my office listens to conservative talk radio all day (ALL. FUCKING. DAY.), so when Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity start bitching about it, I want to know what they're talking about. Although, when I hear them talking, I don't really hear words, mostly I just hear, "waaaah waaaaaaaah wah wah . . . wah wah waaaaaah," which sort of sounds like a combination of Chewbacca and the adults from the Peanuts cartoons. It's not a pleasant sound, but it's still better than what their real voices sound like. Anyway, I'm really glad I watched it. I even got a little teary, which honestly is not that big of a feat. I get teary during episodes of Saved by the Bell because YOU KNOW WHAT? It was really sad when Zack and Kelly broke up!
I was going to refrain from all political talk this time around, after live-blogging the election four years ago, but I am very, very nervous. Even more nervous than I was in 2004 and believe you me, I was PRETTY DAMN NERVOUS in 2004. I never would have thought that anything would be scarier than another four years of W, but congratulations McCain and Palin! You did it!
UPDATE: Halloween pictures!
Monday, October 27, 2008
Hey, all right, Ross came as Doody!
We celebrated Halloween a bit early this year, dressing up on Saturday and hitting both the Oregon District's HauntFest and a Halloween party hosted by a walking taco. The festivities started around 8, even though Heidi was still sewing her costume. I mixed up some black punch (grape Koolaid, orange Koolaid, ginger ale, and vodka) and maybe should have used less vodka and more ginger ale. We even made a frozen hand to put in the punch, but the fingers melted really quickly. Also, Joe broke most of them off when he dropped it into the bowl.
Joe and I made a pretty accurate Charlie Brown and Lucy, Steve ended up as . . . you know, I'm not really sure. Heh. After adding a red jacket to his ensemble, he soon became Chas Tenenbaum, and later on that night, Steve Holt. But the real star that night was Heidi, whose Rainbow Brite costume was the most amazing thing I have ever seen in my life. There are pictures of her and Steve Holt/Chas Tenenbaum, as well as Charlie Brown trying to kick a football, but they're all on Heidi's camera. Sorry.
Down at the Oregon District it was, well, really fucking cold. We didn't stay long, but we were there long enough for Willie Nelson to call me a bitch. As in, "Charlie! Don't let that bitch pull the football away again!" which was ridiculous, because I think at this point Joe was the one carrying the football. See, when I've been drinking, I tend to lose things and my dad has had the football for 96 years and would probably be really upset if I lost it.
Once we got too cold to wander the streets, we ended up at a house party, complete with hot cider, keg, bonfire, and Sarah Palin. Sarah had lots of babies with her, and eventually most ended up in the fire. I'm not saying Sarah Palin likes to burn babies, I'm just telling you what I saw with my own two (somewhat drunk) eyes.
My sister text messaged me yesterday evening, asking what I was doing. I wrote back "nothing," but a more accurate answer would have been this:
I slept til 11, got up and went to Wendy's for lunch, came home and took a three hour nap, did some laundry, showered, put my pajamas back on, watched TV with Heidi, and got El Toro carry out for dinner.
So, yes, it was a bit of a lazy Sunday. I wore pajamas for most of the day, only changing out of them to go to Wendy's, El Toro, and later to buy pumpkins for more pumpkin carving tonight. I heart Halloween so hard.
Joe and I made a pretty accurate Charlie Brown and Lucy, Steve ended up as . . . you know, I'm not really sure. Heh. After adding a red jacket to his ensemble, he soon became Chas Tenenbaum, and later on that night, Steve Holt. But the real star that night was Heidi, whose Rainbow Brite costume was the most amazing thing I have ever seen in my life. There are pictures of her and Steve Holt/Chas Tenenbaum, as well as Charlie Brown trying to kick a football, but they're all on Heidi's camera. Sorry.
Down at the Oregon District it was, well, really fucking cold. We didn't stay long, but we were there long enough for Willie Nelson to call me a bitch. As in, "Charlie! Don't let that bitch pull the football away again!" which was ridiculous, because I think at this point Joe was the one carrying the football. See, when I've been drinking, I tend to lose things and my dad has had the football for 96 years and would probably be really upset if I lost it.
Once we got too cold to wander the streets, we ended up at a house party, complete with hot cider, keg, bonfire, and Sarah Palin. Sarah had lots of babies with her, and eventually most ended up in the fire. I'm not saying Sarah Palin likes to burn babies, I'm just telling you what I saw with my own two (somewhat drunk) eyes.
My sister text messaged me yesterday evening, asking what I was doing. I wrote back "nothing," but a more accurate answer would have been this:
I slept til 11, got up and went to Wendy's for lunch, came home and took a three hour nap, did some laundry, showered, put my pajamas back on, watched TV with Heidi, and got El Toro carry out for dinner.
So, yes, it was a bit of a lazy Sunday. I wore pajamas for most of the day, only changing out of them to go to Wendy's, El Toro, and later to buy pumpkins for more pumpkin carving tonight. I heart Halloween so hard.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time.
So it turns out that skipping a week of running is NOT, in fact, a good idea. I went running after work yesterday and wanted to die fifteen times. It's true. I counted. And then I thought I actually MIGHT die when I ran into the coyote.
Coyote: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Me: Um.
Coyote: Ahem. Excuse me.
Me: Can you let me pass?
Coyote: No.
Me: Please?
Coyote: Only if you can answer three questions.
Me: Sigh. Fine.
Coyote: What is your name?
Me: Jennie.
Coyote: What is your quest?
Me: Um. To go home and collapse on the floor until my heart rate returns to normal.
Coyote: What is your favorite color?
Me: Blue.
Coyote: Really?
Me: Yes.
Coyote: You're not just saying that? Cause of the movie?
Me: No. I'm not just saying that cause of the movie.
Coyote: OK, fine, go ahead.
Me: Byeeeeeeee!
He was really nice. He didn't try to eat my face once, which was nice.
The other night, I went running IN THE DARK. I got home from volunteering and saw that Heidi had been to the gym and so I shamed myself into running. I'm not going running by myself in the dark anymore. At least not around Halloween. Because . . . see . . . that's when ghosts come out and do stuff. And I don't know for sure, but I think if zombies were going to attack, it would be on Halloween because they could just hang out on someone's porch, pretending to be a Halloween decoration, and then when the owner comes out of the house they'd be all, "AAAAAAAAAAUUUURRRRRGH! I WILL BITE YOU NOW!" only not so articulate. True story. Also, it's dangerous to run at night. There are still piles of branches and crap from the windicane that happened A MONTH AGO and when I ran by a big pile, I didn't see a stick sticking out of the pile and it scratched my leg. It's OK, though. It's just a flesh wound.
Hee! I just had this conversation with one of our field agents in Georgia:
Me: HR, this is Jennie.
Her: Hey, Jennie.
Me: Good morning! How are you?
Her: Oh, god, you sound so Northern.
Me: . . .
I mean . . . I talk to her almost EVERY DAY. Hey, remember when my blog had a point? Yeah, me neither.
PS: I still need help with my Halloween costume idea. Please do my thinking for me, I'd be very appreciative. Here are the stipulations: I don't want to wear a wig, so whatever I dress up as has to have dark brown hair. I don't want to spend a lot of money. I'm lazy, so I don't want to do a lot of sewing or gluing or anything. I will be outside, so I'm not dressing as slutty anything.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
I need a Winchester
Last night, I had a nightmare about zombies. This is not unusual. I often have nightmares about zombies. Well. Maybe not often. It's not like it's every other night. But I probably dream about zombies more often than most other people dream about zombies. Anyway. The difference between my nightmare zombies and REAL zombies (yeah, that's right) was that in my nightmare, all the zombies had to do to turn YOU into a zombie was touch you. Which is so unfair, really. Real zombies have to chase you and catch you and bite you. My nightmare zombies just had to get close enough to poke you with their zombie finger or whatever and BOOM, you were a zombie. Also, and this is just conjecture, but I think they could probably like, rip off their arm and throw it at you and if it touched you, you'd turn into a zombie. So in my dream, Simon Pegg was a zombie and he was chasing me around this house trying to turn ME into a zombie and I was all, "Shaun, cut it out, this is NOT COOL," and then I woke up and heard it was raining and got pissed because I'm supposed to go see Death Cab OUTSIDE tonight and even if it stops raining, the ground will be all soggy and I keep meaning to buy a Neat Sheet but I haven't yet so if we try to sit on the ground with the blanket I threw in my car, my butt will get wet and it will look like I peed myself but maybe that keeps zombies from touching you and if so that's awesome because I really don't feel like turning into a zombie today BECAUSE, as I said, it's raining and I bet zombies don't smell very good when they get wet.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
A woman shouldn’t have to be hit by a car to learn that she may have rabies.
When I got home from Cleveland on Sunday, our downstairs neighbors (Dan the Man and his daughter) were out on their porch, which is right next to our front door. I noticed something odd as I came up the walkway and that something odd was two baby raccoons. On their porch. Like . . . in a cage.
Me: Um. Are those raccoons?
Daughter: Yep!
Me: Why?
Dan the Man: Well, the mom died so we decided to raise them until we can release them.
Me: Oh. Cool.
Then we had a nice long conversation about how long it takes to raise raccoons and how smart they are and how you can domesticate them and then I got rabies and died.
Oh, wait, that didn't happen. Anyway, I emailed Heidi at work on Monday and was all, "did you know our neighbors are keeping raccoons on the porch?" and she was all, "WHAT?!" and I said, "yes, raccoons . . . on the porch . . . and they are smelly." And then Heidi sacked up and called the apartment complex. Naturally, since I was at my office and Heidi was at her office, I could not hear the conversation, but I was told it went something like this:
Heidi: Hi, I was walking by an apartment and they have raccoons on their porch.
Office Lady: Say that again?
Heidi: They have raccoons on their porch.
Office Lady: On purpose?
Heidi: Yes. In a cage.
Office Lady: Why?
Heidi: I don't know.
Office Lady: Who does that?
Heidi: Our neighbors.
Office Lady: Which apartment are you in?
Heidi: 5699*
Office Lady: Is this Heidi or Jennie?
Heidi: Heidi.
Office Lady: You guys have the weirdest stuff happen to you**.
Then she told Heidi that they'd be gone within a day. And today they are gone. I wish I knew what happened to them. I feel bad because I didn't want them killed or anything, but if anyone in the apartment complex is going to accidentally get infected with rabies, it's gonna be me or Heidi. I mean, we had to take precautions.
*note: not our actual apartment number
**see: broken garbage disposal; upside-down oven knob; broken toilet; broken front door lock
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Take car. Go to mum's. Kill Phil, grab Liz, go to the Winchester, have a nice cold pint, and wait for all of this to blow over.
Today Peefer shared the greatest meme ever. And here it is:
You are in a mall when the zombies attack. You have:
1. One weapon.
2. One song blasting on the speakers.
3. One famous person to fight alongside you.
Weapon can be real or fictional; you may assume endless ammo if applicable. Person can be real or fictional.
My answers?
1. Winchester
2. Ring of Fire, Johnny Cash
3. Batman
You are in a mall when the zombies attack. You have:
1. One weapon.
2. One song blasting on the speakers.
3. One famous person to fight alongside you.
Weapon can be real or fictional; you may assume endless ammo if applicable. Person can be real or fictional.
My answers?
1. Winchester
2. Ring of Fire, Johnny Cash
3. Batman
Friday, May 30, 2008
I mock you with my monkey pants*
My greatest dream is not, as you might think, to one day own a penguin. It's not that I will one day save the world from zombie domination. It's not even that one day the government will be all, "marry as many people as you want to," and so I will marry John Krasinski AND Jake Gyllenhaal and we'll all live in a house together, sort of like Three's Company but with fewer hijinks. No. My greatest dream has always been that one day, sometime in the future when I'm a grown-up, I will have a book published. I don't even care if it's a terrible book that only my parents buy. I just want to go to the bookstore and be able to see a book WITH MY NAME ON IT.
It scares me, though, when I think that, "oh holy shit, TODAY is the future . . . I AM (technically) a grown up," and I start hyperventilating because I'M RUNNING OUT OF TIME! THERE'S NO TIME! THERE'S NEVER ANY TIME!
Then I stop. Close my eyes. Force myself to breathe. And once the threat of passing out has been neutralized, I tell myself to stop being such a lazy asshole and go freaking write already. I've been making myself write at 300 words a day for the past week or two, and wouldn't you know it? I now have 5000 words. OF A WHOLE STORY. And sure, most of these 5000 words are probably complete shit. But it's a start, shitty as it may be, and I suppose that's all I can do.
PS: In slightly related news, look at the shirt Heidi got for me! I am so set to save the world from zombie domination.
It scares me, though, when I think that, "oh holy shit, TODAY is the future . . . I AM (technically) a grown up," and I start hyperventilating because I'M RUNNING OUT OF TIME! THERE'S NO TIME! THERE'S NEVER ANY TIME!
Then I stop. Close my eyes. Force myself to breathe. And once the threat of passing out has been neutralized, I tell myself to stop being such a lazy asshole and go freaking write already. I've been making myself write at 300 words a day for the past week or two, and wouldn't you know it? I now have 5000 words. OF A WHOLE STORY. And sure, most of these 5000 words are probably complete shit. But it's a start, shitty as it may be, and I suppose that's all I can do.
PS: In slightly related news, look at the shirt Heidi got for me! I am so set to save the world from zombie domination.
*now I am quoting Buffy the Vampire Slayer . . . wtf?
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