gonna fly this boat to the moon somehow

I have sand in my shoes. Sarasota sand, to be specific, and it's such a tease because it's about 30 degrees outside right now. I was wearing these shoes on New Years Eve, which I suppose still doesn't explain why they have sand in them SO HERE GOES.

Joe and I went to Florida last week to visit Lampl and Jon, who moved down there last year to live by the ocean and get away from the Ohio winters. I can't say that I blame them, all the warm weather would be nice, although I think I might miss watching Max play in the snow. But, really, their move was our win, too, because we now have somewhere to stay that's within walking distance to the beach.

We ended up driving down because plane tickets were waaaaaay more expensive than gas, which is kind of sad, really, considering gas is at least three bucks a gallon at the moment. We drove over two days, which ended up working really well because we got to stay in two different hotels, which meant I had two different ice machines to find and play with. Mmm, ice.

We stopped to get gas at some point once we got into Florida and when we got out of the car, it was too hot for a jacket. TOO HOT FOR A JACKET. IN DECEMBER. You would have thought that we'd just witnessed some Harry Potter magic or, like, a band of pixies lift up our car and fly away with it, such was our wonderment. And EVEN BETTER, when we got to Jon and Lampl's, we discovered they had stocked their fridge FULL of Yuengling.

(Sidenote: Guess who forgot to buy any Yuengling on her way out of Florida? THIS KID. Sigh.)

Anyway, when we got there, Lampl was all, "We booked a sunset cruise for all of us on New Year's Eve...it's free...and we get free drinks...but we don't have to do it if you guys don't want to," and I was all, "Lampl, what about that sentence leads you to believe we wouldn't want to do that?" So we did that. And despite all the free drinks and the rocking of the boat, none of us fell overboard. Whoo! We still had a few hours to kill until midnight once we got off the boat, so we hung out at Jon and Lampl's for a bit (after restocking their fridge with beer), ate some pizza, and then went to the beach for midnight festivities.

Once there, we plugged in an iPod, blasted some Girl Talk, and rolled up our jeans so we could frolic in the ocean. The frigid, frigid ocean. I don't know what happened, but I think that beach was some kind of time machine or was blasting immaturity rays or SOMETHING, because we spent most of our time there running around like tiny children hopped up on sugar and caffeine AND CRAZY PILLS. I have been told that I'm like a belligerent (and energetic) four year old when I'm drunk, so maybe it was catching? I don't know. I DO know that when we got there, I started running around in circles, and then we asked for some fireworks from some people down the beach (which we couldn't light on account of the wind), and then Danielle's bra fell off, and then we ran some more, and then we all pretended to be velociraptors and T-Rexes (with teeny little arms) BECAUSE OF COURSE WE DID. We gathered around someone's phone at midnight and I think we celebrated a minute early but whatever, that just meant we got an extra minute of celebration.

We got lost trying to find our way off of the beach, Lampl dropped five beers, and we played a bit of Beatles Rock Band before everyone fell asleep. I got super sad face when we left, not just because it meant I would have to go back to the cold and my job and, you know, REALITY, but because I was leaving behind the warmth and the fun and my BFFs, all of whom were headed in different directions, ALL HOURS AND HOURS AWAY from each other.

But I still have some sand in my shoes, the same shoes I was wearing to ring in the new year (well...they were sitting on the blanket while I ran like a crazy person through the surf, but I think it counts), so I'd like to think a part of me is still on that beach, shouting with laughter (and dinosaur roars), just happy to be with people I love.

this post brought to you by Wackopedia

It's a terrible shock to hear the alarm go off after a four day weekend. I mean, it's a terrible shock most days to hear the alarm go off, but even moreso after a vacation, short as it was.

But alas, this morning the alarm went off and, after only one snooze, I dragged my protesting body out of bed. I can't really complain too much, even though that is my first natural impulse, because I'm only working three days this week. I know. I'll shut up now.

Anyway. I took last Friday off of work, supposedly in order to be productive but I think the only productivity I managed was doing a load or two of laundry. I also finished Ender's Game, though, so I think that counts.

I somehow talked Joe into going to SICSA on Saturday. I'm still not sure how I did it OMG just kidding, I just whined a lot until he drove there. We got there before it opened and I was real quick like, "LET'S TAKE A WALK UNTIL THEY OPEN," in case Joe was thinking it was a SIGN or something that they weren't open yet.

I just wanted to look at the puppies, I said, not get one. I told him it was like when you want to buy a new computer or camera or something and you go to a couple stores and read about them online before you actually buy one. Except that is not what I do. I decide one day that I want a computer/camera/cheesecake and then I just go get one. Usually I do some speedy research online, but still, when I've decided I want something it's after lots and lots of thinking about it and so at that point DON'T CARE HOW I WANT IT NOW.

Ahem. We did not, in fact, end up getting a puppy but it wasn't because there weren't any adorable dogs because there were lots of adorable dogs. Actually, they were all adorable. I can't stop thinking about this sweet, little dog named Kopek. He was five and he was missing an eye, and as we stood in front of his cage, he sat there so politely, just looking at us and wagging his tail while the other dogs barked for attention and I have to stop talking about him now or I'm going to have to go back there and get him ASAP.

The rest of the weekend was mostly spent on getting our wedding invites ready to print and I am proud to say that they are. I like to tell myself it was a team effort because I came up with the wording, but since I just mainly copied it from the Internets and Joe designed the rest, I will admit that he did most of the work.

I went to the pool twice and, to my utter astonishment, did NOT get horribly sunburnt, maybe because I was smart (for once) and limited my pool time to about an hour and a half. My pale, pasty skin is a tiny bit less pale and pasty so I no longer look like my mother and grandmother have had me locked in the attic for four years. Is it weird that I just made a VC Andrews reference? I can't help it. I read the shit out of some VC Andrews when I was a kid. She and Stephen King (and Christopher Pike and RL Stine) shaped my brain at a very impressionable age, which I think explains a lot about why I am the way that I am and why am I talking about my brain right now? I have no idea but I will add that today is Tuesday but feels like Monday but also like Wednesday because I'm not working on Friday and my brain is confused so that is why nothing I'm saying right now makes any sense the end bye bye.

time keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping

You know how they say time flies when you're having fun? I think that's stupid because time flies when you're not having fun, too. Like, I can't believe it's Wednesday already but I've spent most of this week working and that's not fun, right? I mean, maybe your job is fun but the only time my job is fun is when someone brings in free food. Or when the pressures of the day because JUST TOO MUCH and we all start throwing stuff at each other, not that that ever happens because that's not appropriate workplace behavior and I definitely don't condone it but why would they give everyone little stress balls if they didn't want us to throw them at each other? Huh?

This is not to say I haven't been having fun because OH, have I been having fun OH YES I HAVE. Last Thursday, Joe and I saw Frightened Rabbit and they blew my mind. And my eardrums. What? Haha, funny joke, Jennie. Anyway. There were two opening bands and the first one was AWFUL. I mean, they sucked major donkey balls. Like the biggest donkey balls ever. I forget their name because I've tried to block out that experience. The second band was good and Frightened Rabbit was...well, I already mentioned the mind-blowingness so I'll just stop there. I will just say that I haven't been able to stop listening to them since we saw them, such is the power of the adorable Glasgow accent.

We also saw Iron Man 2, which I suppose I liked, not having gone into it with any expectations other than Robert Downey Jr. is beautiful and I'd probably get to see him shirtless at some point. WHICH I DID. The most confusing part of the movie was in the filler beforehand, when Zachary Levi sang a song with Katherine McPhee. I thought maybe I was hallucinating the whole thing, but Abigail assures me that it's real and that Chuck just really likes singing. To which I say: go Chuck.

On Saturday, we went to a wedding cake/cupcake tasting and I ate so many cupcakes that I felt sort of ill the rest of the day, and sugar-crashed later that afternoon watching Walk the Line and woke up from my nap singing Ring of Fire, which actually isn't that unusual for me. But the cupcakes were delicious and I think we're going to have them make a million cupcakes for our reception and wouldn't you know it? They're the first cake place we went. It's a little place called Bombshell Bakeshop, which actually is located primarily on the internet and I find that somewhat fitting. Plus also, the cupcakes were so good that I never wanted to stop eating them, even if my stomach esploded.

And now for my most exciting news: I GOT A NEW BIKE. It looks sort of like Pee-wee's bike, a fact which made me jump up and down in the store, clapping my hands in excitement while Joe pretended he didn't know me.

Oh look, here's a picture:

I don't know what to name her. I do know that I love her. Last night, Joe and I went out to the garage and I gave her a hug and Joe pretended not to know me again. That happens a lot.

Are you there, internet? It's me, Jennie

I find that sometimes I don't write in here because I feel like I tell you guys the same things over and over. Like, haha, the other day I said something stupid and everyone made fun of me (true)! Or, I spent all of Saturday watching season 2 of Buffy (also true). Or even, JENNIE LOVE DUCKS (truest of all). I'm pretty sure I've even used the title of this post before. And I'm pretty sure I've SAID I'm pretty sure I've used the title of this post before AHHHH OMG meta tornado save the ducklings!

So that's why I don't post sometimes. It's not because I don't love you guys. In fact, it's just the opposite. I love you TOO much, so much that I've pitched a tent on your front lawn and spelled "I LUV U" in a gasoline-fire in the grass and now I'm standing there with my boombox blaring some Peter Gabriel and WHY WON'T YOU COME OUTSIDE AND TALK TO ME. Or at least let me in to use the bathroom.

Now let me tell you about my weekend, in which I said some stupid shit, spent most of my days watching Buffy, and then talked about how much I love ducks. ZING!

But yeah, you know what? I do love ducks. And you know what else? I went for the best run ever yesterday and you want to know why? Hardly anyone was in my park.

Here's what, internet. A week or so after Joe and I moved to the new place, I went for a run to make sure we'd moved to a running-friendly neighborhood. Because where I lived last year? Not so running-friendly, unless I wanted to drive somewhere else to run which seems wrong in some way, don't you think? Anyway, so I decided to go run around this one pond but then I discovered that there was no path around the pond! Which would be fine, if I wanted to run through goose turds but I didn't want to run through goose turds so I just kept going on the sidewalk because I wanted to see where the sidewalk ends (Shel Silverstein FTW!) and you know where it ended? In a park. An awesome park with lots of trees and a nice running path and a community garden (I think?) and geeses and duckses and frogs, oh my! No lie, you guys, I ran around that park with a big, stupid smile on my face and when I got home I was all, "JOE! I FOUND A PARK! And it was awesome! I saw some ducks! And geese! And a frog! Well, I HEARD a frog! Also, guess what?! I saw an albino squirrel! It looked at me!" because I am five, apparently. And also Dug from Up.

So now that is my park. I get very angry whenever I go there and someone else is using it. Effing hell, man, GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE I SICK MY GEESE-GANG ON YOU! You don't want to mess with my geese-gang. Nesting makes them loco.

I don't know where this park came from because it wasn't always there and it looks pretty new and they keep updating it with cool stuff. Like, last night I discovered that they had put in these little information boxes and you could push buttons and some nice lady would tell you all about crayfish and maple trees and stuff. Not like, crayfish IN maple trees because that would be weird. It's an awesome park but it's not a magic park. That I know of. I will keep you all updated.

big ole FAT rain

Remember how last week I was complaining about my weekend full of all grown up activities? Maybe I wasn't complaining, necessarily, but I wasn't happy about all the productivity, that's for sure. Well, I more than made up for it this weekend because I barely did anything productive at all. Actually, that's not really true. I did a lot of productive stuff, only I balanced it out with fun stuff because it turns out I am not, in fact, an 89 year old woman but a relatively young person who can still stay up until 3 AM making bad decisions, dammit!

I had the day off on Friday, and I spent it drinking coffee, doing laundry, baking banana bread, and getting caught in a freak rainstorm while running. In that order. It rained two times on Friday, for maybe 20 minutes total, and of course I got caught outside one of those times. It's my own fault, really. I put it off for so long that I ignored the fact that part of the sky looked angry and dark because the other half of the sky looked like a Bob Ross painting. I should have known better. When the sky looks bipolar, YOU STAY INSIDE. Anyway. I was about halfway through my run when it started raining, meaning I was as far from the house as I was going to get. I thought maybe it wouldn't last that long, so I just kept jogging at a snail's pace, which is my normal speed, but then the rain started coming in all sideways and stinging (just like Forrest Gump said) and it freaking hurt, you guys, it really did, so I started running like Phoebe (of Friends, not my cat) does and cars were driving by and I just kept picturing them laughing and laughing at me, not that I blame them because I'm sure I looked ridiculous. So I did what any normal person would do, I found a port-a-potty by the park and hid in there until it stopped raining.

Friday night, we went out with some friends and I got a free birthday shot. I'm thinking of going back on my actual birthday to see if I can get more for free, that's how good it was.

You know what we did on Saturday, Internets? Do you? DO YOU? Well, you might, if you're my friend on Facebook. Or Flickr. Or IRL. But whatever, what we did on Saturday was drive to Columbus so Joe could dry hump meet Ben Folds. It's a pretty well known fact that Joe wants to have Ben's manbabies (I can call him Ben now that we've met), so I couldn't understand why he was hesitant at first. We had at least three conversations like this:

Joe: Ben Folds is going to be at a record store in Columbus on Saturday.
Me: OK, so then we're going to go to that.
Joe: Well, we don't have to.
Me: ...
Joe: If we've got other stuff to do.
Me: SERIOUSLY?!
Joe: Yeah, I mean, we don't have to go, it's no big deal.
Me: SERIOUSLY?!

I think he was just trying to play it cool, though, because he kept breaking into spontaneous giggles on the way to Columbus. We didn't end up having to wait in line long, which was a surprise given it was out the door and down the block. We realized once we got inside that we hadn't brought anything for him to sign (because...we're not smart, ok?) so I grabbed a copy of The 'Burbs because A) HILARIOUS and B) um, HILARIOUS. And then we had Ben Folds sign it. A copy of The 'Burbs. I'm not sure he knew what to make of that, but it's totally relevant. Later, as we were browsing for music since we were in a record store and all, Joe went all ninja and somehow got Ben Folds to sign a print without me even noticing. No word on when the manbabies are due.

Later that night, we went to Steve's housewarming party and I had planned to act like a responsible adult but someone handed me a shot as soon as I walked in the house and who am I to argue with what the universe OBVIOUSLY had planned for me?

We ended up going to a bar and staying there until almost close (I think?) and I didn't get to bed until 3 AM, because I was busy gobbling up bad-idea food (Taco Bell) while watching Ugly Betty. This meant I spent most of Sunday sleeping, which...no complaints there, and then we went to the Ben Folds concert and he was wearing the same shirt as the day before. It was this shirt right here:



Look, we're all wearing glasses! Let's all be best friends and frolic about town wearing our glasses, it'll be so fun BFFs 4-EVA!!1!11!!!!

Yeah, well, you know, that's just, like, your opinion, man.

I feel like I'm suffering from some sort of time traveling sickness, which is weird because I don't remember time traveling. But maybe a side effect of the time traveling sickness is that you can't remember actually time traveling. That'd be a pain in the ass, yeah? I mean, it's not like time traveling is confusing enough, what with trying to make sure you don't run into your past or future self and give yourself a brain hemorrhage and you have to make sure you find your constant and what if you run into wackadoo Faraday and you can't get away from him because he's spouting physics at you in a whisper yell? What then? Anyway, my point is, time traveling is confusing and might also be sickness-inducing so you should probably take your time traveling dinosaur with you just in cases.

Where was I? Right, I was about to tell you about my weekend only you don't know that because I started talking about time travel instead of what I did this weekend which is actually probably good because all I did was grown up stuff. It would have sucked, but Joe was there so that made it better. But like, Friday night I came home and went running right away. Who does that? Oh, I do. And do you know what? Now I don't even remember what else I did Friday night except I know I fell asleep on the sofa watching Joe vs. the Volcano but between the running and the packing...I don't know. I think there might have been some Penn Station involved at some point but OH MY GOD, YOU GUYS HAVE I REALLY BEEN TIME TRAVELING?! This is so cool. Other than the memory loss, but whatever.

OK, so Saturday was the really grown up day because here is what we did, you guys, just wait until you hear this: got up way too early for a Saturday, loaded the car with boxes, went to Budget to rent a truck, picked up my washer and dryer from the old apartment storage unit, dropped them off at the new storage unit, took the truck back, ate some lunch, took stuff to Goodwill, went to Ikea, went to Target, got some dinner, went home, Joe put Ikea stuff together, I addressed Save the Dates, watched The Big Lebowski, drank beer OMG aren't you tired? I am. Also, that was boring, let's talk more about time travel, OK?

Skittles is more fun than Rock Band YEAH I SAID IT

So this weekend was full of social activities, which I don't normally condone on account of I need alone time or my brain explodes. But I must have been feeling particular social or something because my brain didn't explode at all the entire weekend.

We went to a gathering at Joe's friend Jessica's on Friday, and little, baby Maddie was there, who is like, totally awesome, especially for a baby. I guess technically she's not really a baby anymore, she's like an old baby or a toddler or something, but whatever. She's learning to say lots and lots more and almost everything she says is FREAKING ADORABLE. When we first got to Jessica's house, Joe and his friends went in various directions to do adult things and I followed Maddie into the other room so we could play with toys and color, which is more on my level anyway. And now I bring you, Conversations With a Baby:

Me [pointing at a lion in her book]: What's this?
Maddie: Lion. Lion hops!
Me: Um, yes, the lion hops. Like a bunny.
Maddie: Diaper.
Me: ...diaper?
Maddie: Diaper on my butt.
Me: OMG, aren't you potty training? You're not wearing a diaper! JESSICA!

and later, while "reading" an ABC book:

Me: What's this?
Maddie: A!
Me: What's this?
Maddie: B!
Me [pointing at a bird]: What about this?
Maddie: Tweet tweet!

And then my heart just BOOM melted all over the floor and I had to apologize to Jessica for making a mess on the carpet but really it's her fault for having such a cute baby.

Anyway. Then we all ate fajitas and talked about life, the universe, and everything and then Joe and I went home and watched Veronica Mars so, you know, it was the best night ever. Until Saturday night, because we ate loads of Italian food and then went to Wancy's for game night. I love Nancy's house because she has so much fun stuff there. It's sort of like a carnival and if you don't believe me, WELL, she had a hot dog rotator machine AND a popcorn machine plugged in and ready for munching as soon as we got there. At some point, Wayne convinced Joe and Jody to follow him to the basement to see...I don't remember, construction or something, but after a while we heard shouts of jubilation and we were all, "wtf are they doing?" So Nancy told us they were probably playing Skittles and I said, "they're eating Skittles?" and she was like, "you are the dumbest person I know," and I said, "I KNOW THAT, but where are the Skittles?"

Anyway, it turns out that Skittles is an actual game where you spin tops with a string so they careen around a wooden board, knocking over pins although, if you're me, the top goes flying off of the board, almost hitting your friends in their eyeballs, and spins around on the floor instead of the table. I was going to try and draw you a picture but I can't really draw and the picture ended up looking like this:



So instead, just go here and see for yourself the awesomeness of this game. Joe and I are totally registering for it.

NaNo Day 7

Oh, Internets, I did NOT want to write anything today. In fact, I started a post about an hour ago about how I was going to skip writing today because I was ahead of my projected word count and then I thought, "wow, this is how quitting starts," and so I started writing. And crazy story started spilling out and I'm still not sure how I feel about it, but you know what? I can get rid of it later if I need to. It's a comforting thought to have when writing nutso things, that it doesn't have to be permanent.

Anyway. Here are my totals for the day:

Word goal for the day: 1667
Words written today: 1774
Total goal: 11669
Total written so far: 14338
Words ahead/behind goal: +2669

Now if you'll excuse me, since I'm already being all productive, I think I might continue that and go work out and then fold laundry and clean up the kitchen and then, you know, maybe shower before Joe comes over and we make INSTEAD OF BUY a delicious dinner.

WHO AM I?

Baby step to four o'clock. Baby step to four o'clock.

I have had a major burst of productivity lately, a general feeling of needing to Do Things. Last week, Heather Anne told me to write a book and so I started writing a book (yes, again) and wouldn't you know it? Writing did not make my eyes bleed or my fingers turn into tiny snakes or even GIVE ME A HEADACHE. No. It was rather enjoyable. I think I may need to start trading in more TV/Internet surfing time for Writing time. Small price to pay, really. AND ALSO. Weeks and weeks ago I decided that I needed to write a children's book about grieving on account of I can never find enough good grieving books for volunteering. Oh, there are lots and lots of them, but not many that seem to suit my purposes and so I thought, why not just write them myself? So I wrote one. It's sitting in my Google Docs, though, until I figure out what the hell I'm supposed to do with it now. But my point is, I am doing things.

Doing things like working out ON THE WEEKEND, which you'd think would be when I would work out the most anyway because of all the free time, but you'd be wrong. Tam commented last week about this blog here, where a bunch of crazy ass women are doing Jillian's Shred DVD for thirty days in September. At first I was all, "No way in hell could I do that because ow, my knees hurt just THINKING about it," but I started doing it again this weekend anyway. I maybe should not have done it two days in a row because I'm having a bit of trouble with simple activities like WALKING or SITTING UP but progress is supposed to be painful or something. I think I heard that somewhere. Next step? Eating better, meaning eating more food I cook myself and less food that others prepare for me, unless it's Kat doing the preparing because you'd have to be crazypants to turn down anything Kat made you.

Over the weekend, I went from Ew, Cooking to I Need to Make Some Manicotti RIGHT NOW and I don't know why. It's not like I looooove manicotti (although, it is delicious), I just wanted to Make Something and manicotti didn't seem too terribly complicated. I even plan on cooking more this week (I KNOW) and then eating the leftovers because I am a responsible grown woman. Or trying to be. I mean, I also spent most of the weekend watching (almost all of) Season One of Veronica Mars but whatever. Baby steps.

PS: You should probably go check out Abigail, Ashley, and Heather Anne's new TV/Movie/Book review blog. Um. Like now. What are you waiting for?

murder most foul

This weekend began with a rainy baseball game and ended with a murder mystery. Joe and I met my parents on Friday at Brixx, a restaurant/pub type thing across the street from the stadium. We were really pushing it to make it to the 7 o'clock game, but as the sky was turning a little Angry Thunder Face, we decided to eat dinner and drink some beers before heading over. As my dad pointed out, beer is cheaper at Brixx than it is at the game, and who am I to argue with such logic in this economy?

So I ate a burger topped in salsa and jalapenos (YUM) and somehow we ended up with not one, not two, but THREE baskets of chips and queso and try as we might, we just couldn't eat all that cheese. We gave it a good effort, though, even turning our waffle fries into CHEESE waffle fries and later that night I realized that I should not eat so much cheese in one sitting. IT'S SO GOOD. Shut up, stomach, you'll eat 10 pounds of cheese AND YOU'LL LIKE IT.

Anyway, we got rained on at the game PLUS ALSO they lost PLUS ALSO I swear to everything holy there were bats flying around but everyone was all, "no, Jennie, they're birds" but they've never been traumatized by a bat so their opinions don't count.

Because of the whole rained-on thing, any plans for a postgame drink were abandoned because as much as I like bars, I do not like sitting in them when half of my butt is encased in wet, slowly-drying jeans, so instead Joe and I changed into pajamas and watched Aliens and I might have whimpered like a little girl in parts but OMG YOU GUYS, Kat was right, aliens are effing terrifying. True story.

We saw Inglourious Basterds on Saturday, which ALSO might have made me whimper like a little girl in parts but that is because Quentin Tarantino is a sick bastard (basterd?). Good movie, though. I read a review somewhere that described Brad Pitt as "Coen-brothers perfect" and that might be the most apt description of his performance, like, EVER. My point is, you should definitely go see it, just be forewarned that you may never look at Ryan the Temp the same way after you've seen him scalp someone. Um. Spoiler?

And then Sunday. What to say about Sunday? I thought about working out after I saw Joe's brother Facebook that he had just signed up for a 5K, but instead I sat under a blanket and read my book for most of the afternoon. I eventually dragged myself off of the couch so I could get ready for the BBQ/Birthday Party/Murder Mystery Party that Joe's friends were throwing. All I have to say is, whoever assigned the characters must read this blog because part of my character's description was about how she tells long, rambling stories that go nowhere and if that's not the theme of this blog then I don't know what is. It turns out that the butler doesn't always do it because, in this case, THERE WAS NO BUTLER and also I discovered I suck at murder mysteries because I mostly just sat back and giggled at everyone, forgot to pay attention to any of the clues, and guessed myself as the murderer just because I had no idea.

Later we played cornhole and I did better at that. For one game anyway. But I totally counted it as exercise because I was, you know, standing and holding a cup and stuff. I meant to get up early this morning and work out, but the fallish breeze was blowing in and it was so warm under the covers that I couldn't drag myself out of bed any sooner than I had to.

Tonight, Heidi and I are going to Nancy's for wine and pizza and catching up, because I'm trying this new thing where I drag the weekend kicking and screaming into the week so I don't notice that it's Monday. It would be a lot more effective, I think, if I wasn't sitting at work right now.

let's pretend like I'm Tracy Jordan and you all are Grizz and Dot Com and basically you tell me how wonderful I am AAAAND GO!

The weather has been so, so nice the past couple of days that I sort of want to take it behind the middle school and get it pregnant.

[pause for laughter]

Anyway, it's been so nice that I even turned off the AC and opened all the windows and yesterday, I sat on the sofa, embroidered a monkey, tried not to pay too much attention to We Are Marshall on TBS (because of the tears, people, OH THE TEARS!), and sipped on a glass of wine because Abigail told me that it was OK to start drinking. It was pretty much perfection. And now I am at work. That is the opposite of perfection.

Only it's not so bad, because my always-talking coworker is not here today and I decided to randomly come in an hour late and no one cared or noticed (not sure which) and did I mention my always-talking coworker is not here? It is so quiet and lovely today. I want to take the lovely quiet behind the middle school and get it pregnant.

[pause for laughter]

I did manage to be productive this weekend, sort of kind of anyway, because it's not like I did ALL that much, but I did the necessities like vacuuming and laundrying and, you know, showering. I did not work out at all this weekend and I let myself eat whatever I wanted as a reward for making it through The Week From Hell, but this week I'm back on the wagon. So far, anyway. I'm afraid this week might turn into The Week From Hell Part Two: The Hellinating, especially since I came in this morning only to find that the air conditioning isn't working. Luckily, it's not that hot outside, but still...it's super stuffy in here and kind of smells like a fart. Which, you know, is sort of gross. But whatever, this training is supposed to be over by the end of August so I'm looking forward to sweet, sweet September because it will all be over OVER! OVER! and also September is when Labor Day happens and I don't have to work on Labor Day which means three day weekend and I love three day weekends so much I want to take them behind the middle school and get them pregnant.

[pause for laughter]

I've been feeling this great need to be more organized and productive, which is making me sort of crazy (crazier) because I keep making lists and spreadsheets and more lists and more spreadsheets and starting stories and revising other stories and starting more stories and what I'm saying is my Google Docs are out of control. But I don't care because I have my beautiful, beautiful spreadsheets. I want to take my spreadsheets behind the middle school and get them pregnant.

[crickets]

Too much? Yeah, I know, too much. I don't really know where to end this, which is the problem with pointless posts SUCH AS THIS ONE so I guess I'll keep talking until I run out of things to say only NO I WON'T because I NEVER run out of things to say, just ask Joe. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go update my Budget spreadsheet. I think there might be a problem with it, because according to my spreadsheet I should have no monies left for the rest of August, but I do have monies left, so I should probably look into that. Also, you know what? I should spend less monies. I knew that before the spreadsheet but the spreadsheet just made it all the more obvious, what with the BOLD RED print that basically screams, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, JENNIE, BACK AWAY FROM TARGET RIGHT THE HELL NOW."

My budget is kind of rude. I do not want to take it behind the middle school and get it pregnant.

Zing!

file under: procrastination

I opened my work e-mail to approximately 60 new messages this morning. I finally made it through all of them so I at least know what they say, but I'm scared of the amount of work I have to get through this week. So, of course, I'm blogging instead of getting started on any of it. I make good decisions.

Speaking of good decisions, you know what isn't one? Drinking 20 four-ounce samples of beer when it's 90 degrees outside. OK, that's a lie. I regret nothing, even though I passed out at 8 o'clock on Saturday night, after scarfing down delicious waffle fries, and then woke up at 4 AM all WIDE AWAKE. Oops.

The good part about going to a beer tasting that starts at 2 is that it's over at 6 and you have all night to sober up, meaning no hangover the next day. I'm a fan of that. I still ended up sitting and doing nothing in the AC all of Sunday since it was a billion degrees outside. Until I had to rescue Joe, that is, on account of his car started, um, smoking when he was driving down 75. I'm not a car expert or anything but I think when your car starts smoking, that's probably not good. So my point is, Joe is car shopping this morning.

Today is detox day seeing as how I consumed nothing but beer and junk food all weekend. Friday night was going well, until we went to see To Kill a Mockingbird and they were handing out free popcorn. Who turns down free popcorn? Crazy people, that's who. You know who turns down free popcorn? People who don't like The Beatles. I didn't believe those people existed but they do and I want to punch them because not liking The Beatles means you're missing an important part of your soul. I'm certain that I'm right about this. Anyway.

This morning, I had every intention of getting up early and working out but I'm not sure why I even pretend I'm going to do this because I never do. Which means I have to do it tonight and do you know how much motivation I have to go running after work? It's pretty close to NONE. Is there something less than NONE? Because that's what it is. It's like NONE minus 10.

STOP. Collaborate and LISTEN.

I sure wish I knew why I've had Ice Ice Baby stuck in my head all morning. Oh well.

The problem with not blogging for HOLY SHIT almost a week (other than my Dad giving me shit for not blogging) is that, by the time I get around to blogging, too much has happened and I don't know where to start. So I just don't write about any of it. No more! I mean, that's really unfair to deprive you of all the details from my every waking hour. And sometimes my non-waking hours. Anyway, this is what I did this weekend:

• went to a going away party for Lampl and Jon
• ate at McAllister's and DRANK SWEET TEA
• tried to play pool
• failed
• drank beers and ate taco dip
• went to the pool
• twice
• went out to dinner
• twice
• went to a cookout
• ate lots of mac and cheese and ribs and broccoli salad
• went to the nature reserve
• did not get eaten by bugs

And, I don't know, other stuff. Memorial Day weekend already seems so long ago. Why is that?

I forgot to tell you guys about this awesome conversation Heidi and I had the other day. It was pretty spectacular. Here is what I remember of it:

Heidi: You know how when we go over the speed bumps in the parking lot, we go sort of between them so only one side of the car goes over them?
Me: Yes.
Heidi: But if there's a car coming from the other direction, we don't do that and we just go over the speed bumps like normal so we don't block the way?
Me: Sure.
Heidi: Well. Remember that girl with the Alaska plates who blocked the dumpster that one time when she was trying to shove a bike in her trunk*?
Me: Yes!
Heidi: Well, I was coming toward a speed bump and she was coming the other way, and she was doing that thing where you go between the speed bumps even though I was there! I had to wait for her to get across.
Me: WTF?
Heidi: I know. It was so rude.
Me: To be fair, she's from Alaska and is used to just driving around igloos.
Heidi: And away from Sarah Palin.
Me: Yeah, because Sarah Palin is shooting at her. From a helicopter.
Heidi: "Oh, look at that moose! I want it for my wall!"
Me: "That sure is a shiny moose!"

Obviously, those last two statements were said in our best Sarah Palin impressions, although my Sarah Palin impression is less a Sarah Palin impression and more a Tina-Fey-as-Sarah-Palin impression, but whatever.

*I hope you have a big trunk . . . cause I'm puttin' my BIKE in it.

When Michael plays the hypothetical game, I always say yes.

I got scared about what this weekend was going to hold when A) the Dragons lost and B) the weather was total shit on Saturday. I should have known better, though. First of all, the Dragons losing is not that unusual. And SECOND OF ALL, the weather in Ohio is completely unpredictable AND NOW LET ME TELL YOU A STORY I'M SURE I'VE TOLD BEFORE but I don't care so shut up and listen. This one time? I was moving. And we packed up my old apartment on a Friday night AND IT SNOWED. But then the next day, it was like 65 and sunny and beautiful. This happened in April. True story.

Anyway. Joe and I went to Yellow Springs on Saturday to walk around the cute little shops, but it soon started raining and I got whiny so we left. But not before seeing Dave Chappelle. After Dave Chappelle ran away to Africa and quit show business or whatever, he moved back to Yellow Springs so he could spend the rest of his days getting high and walking around town so Ohioans could go visit Yellow Springs and later regale their friends with stories like, "OMG I SAW DAVE CHAPPELLE AND A PTERODACTYL*." True story.

We all watched The Reader Saturday night which . . . wow, depressing. I mean, I expected it to be depressing but WOW. Then yesterday I thought about watching Once, but I decided not to because I'm almost out of tissues. That's not true. I have lots of tissues, I just didn't want to sit inside all day BECAUSE . . .

in true Ohio fashion, the weather on Sunday turned BEAUTIFUL. So Joe and I went back to Yellow Springs but we didn't see Dave Chappelle this time. Then we went to dinner with Joe's parents and his mom hemmed some of my pants because I am The Short and all my pant legs drag on the ground. We eventually got home, after a short (unnecessary) trip to Target, and Tamara brought us delicious cupcakes. Then we talked about poop and farting. So, you know, good weekend.

*We also saw a pterodactyl. Joe thinks it was just a big hawk BUT I KNOW BETTER.

I love my dead gay son

I am an anger ball today, which is pretty standard for a Monday, but ESPECIALLY for a Monday after a really good weekend.

(If you're wondering why I don't blog anymore, it's because I can't come up with anything new to say and SO, I keep posting the same drivel. I've had a blog for like five years, people, and I'M RUNNING OUT OF THINGS TO TALK ABOUT. Sorry.)

Any. Way. I had a busy weekend, I suppose, although I didn't do anything especially productive. On Friday, I ate spicy buffalo balls and thought my stomach lining was melting away. You'd think that would have stopped me from eating all manner of junk food (hamburger, popcorn, peanuts, cookie, nachos, ice cream) yesterday at the ballpark, but it didn't. I'm not so good at the learning from mistakes thing that most people learn in kindergarten or whatever.

THE REASON I was at the ballpark was because my family rented a suite so we got to pretend to be big time while we watched the Dayton Dragons get absolutely crushed by . . . someone. I just now realized I have no idea who they were playing. I didn't know until about the sixth inning though that the Dragons were getting their asses kicked, so that's about par for the course, I'd say.

So, they lost. But I got to eat delicious junk food and drink delicious beer, so really, does it matter who wins or loses? No. Because everyone's a winner when I'm happy.

Some other good stuff happened this weekend. Like, I introduced Joe to the beauty that is Heathers. And I successfully ran on a treadmill for thirty minutes without falling off, but only because I didn't allow myself to look anywhere but straight ahead. That didn't stop me from being able to see some seriously weird activity, though. Like, MythBusters was on TV, but I couldn't hear anything because I had my iPod on and at one point, I decided the show was even better on mute because Adam was dressed as a cavewoman and I had lots of fun trying to figure out why. There was also this couple working out together. When I got there, she was on one of the two treadmills and he was using the weight machines. I think he got pissed when I came in because I took the other treadmill, but WHATEVER DOUCHE, did you mark the treadmill with your urine? No? Then step off.

Right, so I got on the treadmill and the woman next to me was all run fast, walk slow, run fast, walk slow, and the guy was using the weight machines ALL WRONG but he was really skinny so maybe it was his first time using weight machines. He kept walking all around my treadmill, too, while I was running, and I wasn't sure if he was like, walking off a cramp, or trying to intimidate me to fall (jerk), but it didn't work. Finally, after some discussion, the woman got off of her treadmill and got on the bike so her husband/boyfriend could use the treadmill. Which, yeah, I guess that's nice but I'd never do that (sorry, Joe) because I HAVE A RUNNING SCHEDULE THAT I MUST STICK TO. Anyway, I stayed on the treadmill longer than I needed to JUST BECAUSE so the guy was done running before I was. Then? He got off the treadmill and just stood there next to it and his wife/girlfriend WIPED OFF THE MACHINE FOR HIM. And did I mention he was just standing there? That's weird, right? Right?

Know what else is weird? That this entry hasn't ended yet, even though I clearly have nothing else to say. But I'm going to keep writing, OK? OK.

I believe I mentioned above that I'm in a shitty mood, yes? Well, in case you forgot: I'm in a shitty mood. Only not really anymore, because I ate my lunch (maybe low blood sugar was making me a bitch) and I also talked to Joe AND ALSO Heidi told me Lampl and Jon are coming over tonight (yay!) AND ALSO even though the people at Subway were totally incompetent AND they neglected free cookie Monday, it gave me something to complain about and I heart complaining. So there's that.

Quack quack quack, Mr. Ducksworth

Dammit, I forgot I had a blog again. This might be the longest I've ever gone without posting in the history of FOREVER. I really have no good excuse. I mean, I was moving, sure, but I had free time at work when I could have blogged. TOO BAD I was too busy researching old Lifetime movies. And reading the best cooking blog IN THE WORLD. Seriously, you guys, check it out. Once we get all the boxes and whatnot out of the kitchen and dining room, I fully intend to try some of those recipes. The easy ones, anyway. I know Kat says ALL of them are easy, but that's because she's a cooking genius and cooking geniuses think all cooking is easy.

Let's see, what have I done since we last spoke. The last time I posted, we were smack dab in the middle of birthday celebrations. Celebrations that took all of Sunday to recover from because WOW I should not drink so much beer anymore. I turned 27 on Tuesday but, since I had already celebrated with my friends, my family, AND Joe, I spent the evening of my birthday packing our living room. I find that I care less and less about my birthday every year. Except for the presents. I still really like the presents. And boy did I get some good ones this year. I won't brag, though. That would be rude.

Heidi and I moved into our new apartment this past weekend and I am SO GLAD we're finally done with all of that. We're mostly unpacked and I've even tested the washer and dryer, thanks to Phoebe, who projectile vomited all over my bedspread yesterday. I gave her a free pass, though, because she had to hang out with my parents' 80 pound Lab on Saturday and, once I brought her home, she had to navigate around piles of crap and half-unpacked boxes. I guess cats find that disconcerting. Disconcerting to the point of barfing.

Tonight I'm looking forward to getting a bit more unpacked and picking back up with the running program I've been neglecting for the past week and a half. That should go well, right? Especially since I've been eating nothing but junk food for at least a week and I feel like I'm about to get a little Violet Beauregardy. I'm excited to run around our apartment complex, though, because there are LOADS of puppies everywhere, and also ducks. I love ducks. Also ducklings. DUCKLINGS!

That reminds me. The other day, Joe and I had this conversation:

Joe: The other day I saw a goose and it had some ducklings following it.
Me: Ducklings were following a goose?
Joe: Baby geese. Not ducklings. Whatever.
Me: Goslings?
Joe: Whatever, shut up.

It made me feel a lot better about that time I inadvertently goose-honked at our neighbor and Heidi laughed at me. Good times.

woke up today, to everything gray

I am in A Mood but I'm working really hard to get out of it. I always get really cranky on Mondays because I'm upset that the weekend is over, even though it happens EVERY WEEK, so you'd think I'd be used to it by now. You'd be wrong, though. As it is, I'm struggling not to punch my coworkers in the face just because they have the AUDACITY to speak to me. I keep thinking, "snap out of it, Crankypants," every time I get all snarky with someone in my head, and really, it's the thought that counts SO BACK OFF.

It makes it even harder (heh) to get back to work when the weekend was such a good one. We visited Lampl and Jon on Friday, since they are soon leaving us for sunny Florida, and although the night started off innocently with margaritas and burritos at Chipotle, it soon moved to buying random beer at the grocery (WARNING: do not buy beer just because it has Bigfoot on it and you think it'll be funny because it tastes like . . . well, Sasquatch ass) and ended with a lot of screeching into the microphone during Rock Band and a late night run though Taco Bell. I knew things were not going to end well when it was my turn to sing and I realized I was seeing two sets of lyrics, and so I had to squint to make out the words to Any Way You Want It. I mean, luckily, I know most of those words ANYWAY (you want it) so crisis averted. I ended up singing it twice, for some reason, and I'm still not sure how that happened.

Needless to say, I did nothing productive on Saturday and ended up lying around in my pajamas for most of the day lamenting the fact that OH, I AM NOW SO OLD. I look forward to celebrating getting even older next weekend with the Reds and giant beers. So I will be spending much of next Sunday in my pajamas being completely unproductive, is what I'm saying.

Should I be running right now? Totes magotes.

Hi, Internets. I'm just sitting around. Waiting for everything in the universe to align in such a way that I know it's a good time to go running. I know it's not a good time right now because I'm sort of thirsty and trying to get rid of the tiny headache I woke up with. It seems unfair to have a headache when I didn't do any drinking last night, but oh well. I really do need to go running, though. I ate cheese fries AGAIN last night and, while I did not partake in any 123 GoBox action at the movies, we did go to Graeter's afterward and I totes magotes got a chocolate milkshake.

We saw I Love You, Man, which is why I cannot stop quoting Paul Rudd. I think, in the past 12 hours or so, I have said, "totes magotes," approximately 87 times and I've almost perfected saying "slappin' da bass, mon," like a leprechaun. Anyway.

Crap. My iPod is fully charged now. Almost time to go running. I need to eat a banana first. You know, for energy.

I'm sort of too tired to go running because I spent part of the morning being really productive and going through stuff in my room to get rid of. Because the only time I feel inspired to get rid of anything is when I'm moving. Otherwise I don't throw anything away because OH MY GOD WHAT IF I NEED IT? It's a problem. Then there are those things that I have no use for, but I can't get rid of, like yearbooks and journals from high school. What can you do with those, other than shove them under the bed so no one ever, ever looks at them?

I think that's it. You are all caught up with my life. Oh! Except. Earlier I took some stuff to the dumpster and a goose chased me through the parking lot. I wasn't even doing anything to it! I even walked way around it so I wouldn't bother it, and I didn't make eye contact because geeses hate it when you make eye contact. It's true. The goose told me so when it chased me. It also threatened to cut me, which is total bullshit because what's it gonna do? Hold a switchblade in it's beak? Please. Don't be ridiculous.

Just kidding, goose, please don't cut me.

Fin.

Oh, the weather outside is WEATHER.

Hi, Internets. You'd think that since I don't have to write a Collective post this week, I'd be posting here EVERY DAY, especially since my boss is out of the office and I have less than two weeks left here ANYWAY so who cares, right? But you'd be wrong. I haven't posted here every day. Obviously. You can see that because of . . . the lack of posts.

This past weekend was another good one, helped partly by the BEAUTIFUL BEAUTIFUL weather. Bar Louie is doing this thing, where if you buy a Bud Light draft for $8, you get to keep the glass and if you bring it back all through March Madness, refills are only $3. So we did that on St. Patrick's Day. And took the glasses back on Friday for some refills and dinner and basketball, only I was more concerned with the beer and food than the basketball. Mainly, I just hoped Nancy's teams would win so she wouldn't throw her cheap-refill glass through a window or at our waitress's head. She didn't, though.

Joe and I went on a mini-road trip on Saturday, to see Ben Folds. It was super fun times 100 and on the way home, we stopped at the Giant Candle place on the side of 70. That is not what it's called, but you guys! There is a GIANT CANDLE next to the store. This is how giant it is:



After Joe took my picture, I checked it out and we had the following conversation:

Me: That thing is huge!
Joe: That's what she said!
Me: I didn't realize how big it was until I stood in front of it.
Joe: I know, that is also what she said.

And then I saw a playground and made Joe take a video of me sliding down the slide. But that's on my computer at home, so you can't see it right now. Sorry. I'm sure you're crushed.

On Sunday, Heidi and I went to my parents' house to hang out with my sister, who was there aaaaaaall alone since my parents were still on their cruise. The plan was to make pizza but I'm really lazy so instead we got Papa Murphy's. It totally counts as cooking because I had to put it in the oven. We also watched Forgetting Sarah Marshall and I'm waiting for my mom to call me and be all, "Your sister says you made her watch a movie with penises in it, is that true?" and I'll be like, "No, Mom, it was only one penis." For realsies.

It is a truth universally acknowledged that when one part of your life starts going OK, another falls spectacularly to pieces.

You guys, I have had such a good couple of days that now I'm kind of waiting for something really bad to happen. In fact, I'm a little afraid of getting too excited about anything, when really all I want to do is run around screaming, "OH MY GOD YOU GUYS, THIS IS SO AWESOME YAAAAAAAY." I've never been a very excitable person (that would require too much energy), but I get even worse as I get older, expecting the good news to be snatched away at any moment. What's that about?

Anyway. On Friday, Heidi and I went to Cincinnati to celebrate Nancy's brother's birthday, and while there we ALSO got to hang out with Lampl and Jon, which always = GOOD TIMES. Nancy's brother made it to 9 before he had to go home and pass out, and once a really bad cover band started playing, the rest of us went to a different bar. This one had ping-pong. PING-PONG! I love ping-pong and, while my skills are rusty, they are still somewhat there. All those hours of playing against my dad (and his far superior skills) amounted to something besides just honing my cursing skills, I guess. We weren't keeping score, though, and after a while started smacking the ball any which way as hard as we could. I think the people playing pool next to us tried to murder us with their eyes, and I can't really say I blame them since half the time our balls were bouncing across the pool table just as they were taking their shot.

Once we tired of ping-pong, we went back to Lampl and Jon's to giggle over a bunch of YouTube videos and then watch The Soup. In that order. The next morning, Heidi and I got pancakes and then found our new apartment. In that order. That is the only productive thing I did that day. Once we got home, I took a nap, then showered, then went and got Papa Murphy's and took it to Joe's, where we proceeded to do nothing but sit on the sofa and watch TV all night. It was awesome.

YESTERDAY, I went out to breakfast with Joe and his family, AND THEN went running, AND THEN sold some books, AND THEN went to my parents' house to hang out with my sister. So I was a bit more productive than Saturday. I need to start being way more productive on the weekend since we're moving soon. I have a lot of crap I need to get rid of, is what I'm saying. I hope Goodwill is ready.

And today! Today, I accepted a new job. It's with the same company (sort of) but different. Does that make sense? I don't care. I start in April. I get to drive past Giant Jesus twice a day. That has to be good luck of some kind. And tonight! Heidi and I are having dinner at Nancy's, and there will be wine and good food and excellent conversation. PLUS ALSO the weather is getting better and better. On Sunday, I was driving down a twisty, back road with the windows down, squinting into the sun and listening to Oasis, and when I heard, "you and I are gonna live forever," I almost believed it. Still. Better to be cautious. I'll be over here, waiting for the bottom to drop out.