last post of November PLUS 10 on Tuesday

So. I won NaNoWriMo. I finished writing 50,000 words yesterday, verified it on the NaNo site, and was proclaimed a winner, but I didn't feel like one. I actually felt very meh about it and I think it's because I didn't really care about my story at all. I only finished it out of spite, really, because I wanted to say I won. It's finished in that it's more than 50,000 words long, but it's not finished in that it comes to a satisfying ending. And it probably never will because it's SO BAD that I never want to think about it again. Note to self: don't start knocking up characters and having others make out and letting people get kidnapped by bad guys JUST BECAUSE YOU CAN. Anyway. NaNo is over and, once I post this, NaBlo is also over so I'm left feeling all, "now what?"

Well, right now, "now what" means 10 on Tuesday so...that's something, I guess. Wah wah waaaaaah.

1. Where are you from? Have you lived there your whole life?

I am from Narnia or Hogwarts or Terabithia, which really means I live inside my head and, yes, I've lived there my whole life.

2. How would you classify your clothing style?

Half-assed.

3. What kind of car do you drive?

A blue one.

4. What would your dream home look like if you could have it (or already do!)?

It would look like Hogwarts, obviously. And it would have a time machine (with a clear titanium bubble) in the garage.

5. Do you have kids, and if so, how many and how old were you when you had them?

I don't have any that I know of.

6. What is your favorite hobby?

I would say reading, but reading is more of a necessity to me than a hobby in that I NEED IT TO LIVE.

7. Are you going to have any New Year’s resolutions for 2011?

Probably.

8. What is something, if anything, that you’d want to change about yourself?

Well, I wish I could fly, if that's what you mean.

9. What is something that you love about yourself?

I hate these questions.

10. Pick one of the following: Someone to cook for you, someone to do your laundry, or someone to do your dishes.

All of the above, duh.

Buddy the elf, what's your favorite color?

Decorating, DONE.

this is me blogging

Because I almost forgot to blog today. Blog blog blog blogging blog blog.

PS: the peppermint Joe Joe's ARE THE GREATEST COOKIE EVER MADE. I want to buy them for everyone I know.

Black Friday

So it's like the number one shopping day of the entire year or whatever and here is what I've purchased:

a case of wine
salsa
tortilla chips
a wedge of cheese
crackers
peppermint Joe-Joes
a cafe mocha

I'm pretty pleased with all of it.

Happy Slapsgiving, everybody!

I don't want to freak anyone out but I think my superpowers might be coming in, because last night, Joe and I were sitting on the couch and reading and I started whistling this:



And then Joe left and I turned on the TV and Aladdin was on and THAT EXACTLY SONG WAS ABOUT TO START YOU GUYS I'M TOTALLY PSYCHIC! I wonder if my new psychic powers will ever start telling me anything important. Not that finding Aladdin on TV isn't important. If I hadn't found Aladdin on TV then I wouldn't have looked at the TiVo guide and seen that Beauty & the Beast was on after Aladdin. That's totally important.

So, today I am thankful for my psychic powers. Because it's Thanksgiving. See what I did there?

I was on that island for what seems like an eternity. I want to enjoy things on the other side.

OK, so I pretty much still have no idea what to write about for NaBloMe but I have about 10,000 words left to NaNo so I'm calling today a win. Anyway, apparently there's this thing called Ten on Tuesday and I don't even care that it's Wednesday, I'm doing it today SO THERE, INTERNET, HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM APPLES?

Before I get to the questions, I do have some thoughts about recent pop culture events.

1. Hurley was on How I Met Your Mother and IT. WAS. AWESOME.

2. I've been reading The Walking Dead graphic novels but I have to take frequent breaks because the dialogue, you guys...the dialogue is so bad that it's distracting and I hate it because it's ruining the story. The way the characters talk is, like, not how real people talk or have ever talked in the history of humanity. Also! The female characters are just awful. Actually, most of the male characters aren't that great, either. I know it sounds like I'm not enjoying the series and...that's just because I'm not sure I am.

3. Speaking of The Walking Dead, I love the TV show. Like, a lot, even though watching it makes me all tense and sometimes also like I want to vomit. But wtf, why are all of these survivors CAMPING?! Tents don't even keep out bears, why would they think they might keep out zombies? I don't care how far away from the city they are, they are OUTSIDE. Zombies are outside. Go inside, dumbasses, and lock the doors! It's like no one in zombie movies (...TV shows, whatever) has ever seen a zombie movie before.

Anyway, Ten on Tuesday stolen from here.

1. If you won the lottery, what would be your one random, off-the-wall purchase?

Penguin. And penguin habitat.

2. What is popular now that you just don’t get?

Two and a Half Men (duh). Taylor Swift. Jersey Shore. Dancing with the Stars. Sarah Palin. Mind-boggling stupidity.

3. What would your last meal, you know, if you were ever about to be executed and you got to choose that sort of thing?

Chimichangas with quacamole and rice and chips and salsa and margarita. Side of mashed potatoes. What, it's my last meal, I DO WHAT I WANT.

4. When is it okay to start listening to Christmas music?

I used to say after Thanksgiving, but I started listening to it a few days ago so clearly the week of Thanksgiving is now OK.

5. How do you feel about facial hair on men?

Big fan.

6. McDonald’s or Burger King? Those are the only two options.

Fuck you, I pick Wendy's.

7. What kind of soap do you use?

Whatever's on sale?

8. What movie can you watch over and over and never get tired of?

SO MANY. Bridget Jones's Diary. Pride and Prejudice. You've Got Mail. The Princess Bride. Shaun of the Dead. Mary Poppins. Goonies.

9. Favorite beverage?

Dude, I don't care.

10. What do you want for Christmas?

I already got a puppy. WHAT ELSE COULD I POSSIBLY WANT?

I am a bathroom martian. Beep. Boop. Boop. I am from the nebula of the great toilet.

Hypothetically, which is worse: putting on your underwear inside out or not noticing that your underwear is on inside out for like, the whole day?

I'm not asking for any specific reason OH NO I'M NOT. I'm definitely not asking because I put my underwear on inside out yesterday and even if I did, it's definitely the first time that's ever happened I'VE NEVER EVER DONE THAT BEFORE SHUT UP YOU CAN'T PROVE ANYTHING.

Why am I writing about my underwear, right-side-out or inside-out, you might ask? It's because I have NOTHING ELSE TO WRITE ABOUT. NaNoWriMo is taking up all of my words, all the words that I've ever had in my head, and they're not even good words! Seriously! I sort of hate my novel (IT'S SO BAD) and the only reason I'm still writing it is because I said I would win and so win I shall.

I am eating the biggest grapes right now, you guys. THEY ARE SO BIG THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID.

Last night, Max did a funny dog thing (hahaha funny dogs are funny) only it wasn't really funny, it was annoying because I was trying to sleep. Want to know why I was trying to sleep? Cause it was 2 in the morning. Anyway, I don't know if the storm woke him up or what but I got up to go to the bathroom, and when I came back, he was standing by my side of the bed, wiggling his little body to and fro as if it were time to get up for the day. And I was all, "IT IS NOT TIME TO GET UP FOR THE DAY GET IN YOUR BED!" but all he heard was, "I AM SAYING WORDS TO YOU SO YOU WAG YOUR TAIL HARDER SO PLEASE WAG YOUR TAIL HARDER AND MAYBE HOP UP AND DOWN A FEW TIMES SO I CAN SEE HOW CUTE YOU ARE!"

This, plus Phoebe's nightly attempts to curl up in the small space above my head on my pillow (THERE IS NO ROOM FOR YOU, CAT) and also all the windy windy rain, meant I did not sleep very well last night. But I don't care because it's almost that special time of year where it's totally acceptable for me to eat three heaping platefuls of mashed potatoes which, coincidentally, is why Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday.

BLEEEEEEEEEH

You guys! I don't wanna blog or write anymore this month! I don't wanna! I want to quit so hard right now.

Does this count as blogging? Yes, yes it does. I'm still winning. So THERE, November.

I've got a theory...it could be bunnies!

Hey. Here are some pictures that Joe and I drew on napkins at a restaurant one time. YOU'RE WELCOME.

Phoning it in, before I forget to post (SPOILERS, AHOY)

Parts of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (Part 1) that made me cry:

1. Hedwig! It was even sadder than the book HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?
2. Hermione wiping her parents' memories...good lord.
3. Everyone fretting over (St.) George.
4. Harry finding his parents' graves.
5. Dobby. Effing Dobby.

Parts of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (Part 1) that made my heart melt:

1. Ron's face as Hermione taught him how to play the piano.
2. Hermione's face when Ron told them how he found them.
3. These will actually all just be Hermione and Ron related, so I'll stop now.

Parts of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (Part 1) that made me feel icky:

1. Harry and Hermione dancing, until it got goofy.
2. Harry and Hermione topless-making-out in Ron's scary waking nightmare thing. Gross. I need to wash my eyes with bleach.

We mustn't dwell. No, not today. We CAN'T. Not on Rex Manning day!

Most evenings, I spend a little time picking out what I'm going to wear the following day. It saves time in the morning, it really does, which is awesome because A) it means I'm on time for work (...most of the time) and B) it means I get to sleep as long as possible.

I forget sometimes, though, and on those days I think about what I'm going to wear while I'm getting ready because then, by the time I'm about to get dressed, I know exactly what clothes I need to rip out of my closet. This morning, I thought I knew what I was going to wear and I was like, "oh, hell yeah, snooze button!" but when I woke up, I realized in horror that I couldn't possibly wear what I was planning to wear because DUN DUN DUUUUUN the shirt I was planning on wearing was way too close to Slytherin colors! I can't wear Slytherin colors today! Not on Harry Potter Day!

So instead, I'm wearing a maroon shirt because obviously I need to show my support for Gryffindor and I didn't have time to make a Luna-Lovegood-Lion-Head. I told Joe about this when I woke up, and it went something like this, "I almost wore this green shirt today but then I realized it was Slytherin colors! SLYTHERIN! So I had to change it real fast and wear this shirt so I was wearing Gryffindor colors! GRYFFINDOR! IT'S HARRY POTTER DAY!" and he looked at me like I was nusto bananas (standard) and I was like, "You collect toys and comics LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING," and he was all, "calm down, psycho," because he wasn't really looking at me like I'm nusto bananas (much), it was that he had just woken up and I was all awake and talking REALLYREALLYFAST like the micromachine guy. Remember the micromachine guy? He was on Saved by the Bell one time. True story.

Also, in other Harry Potter news, I totally won the bet. I finished Deathly Hallows around 9 last night, and that was even after I had to take a break because I was crying. That book gives me so much sad, especially toward the end, and I usually get to a certain point where I can't read anymore because of all the tears. Stupid feelings.

GRYFFINDOR!!!!11!!1!!!!1!

We're having a FIRE!!! ...(sale)

Oh, man, check it out, you guys. I found the beginning of my NaNo story from 2005. That year, I wrote for two days. I am doing way better this year. At least as far as wordcount. I can't speak to the quality but WHATEVER. NaNo will soon be my bitch. And so will Harry Potter (the books, not the person). I just can't help thinking how nice it'll be next week when I've won the bet and have all this extra time to write while Joe is making me dinner. Hee.

Anyway, here's my 2005 story, all...like, one chapter of it. This totally counts as blogging today because you guys have never read it before. I WIN. WARNING: the following is pretty bad but what else are you going to do? Work? I don't think so.




The worst part about my car accident, and I do mean this, was the unfortunate fact that I was listening to The Backstreet Boys when it happened. I have a hazy memory of paramedics lifting me out of the driver’s seat while “I Want it That Way,” blasted from the car stereo. The part of the memory that I’m hoping did not happen was me singing along. Unfortunately, since the paramedics kept referring to me as “Backstreet Girl,” I have a feeling I did not make that up. Par for the course.

Most people don’t think that’s the worst thing that happened to me. When I told my brother that, Mike surreptitiously glanced at the wheelchair I’d been tethered to since the accident.

“I know,” I said. “I can’t move my legs, blah, blah, but come on. THE BACKSTREET BOYS.”

He sighed and shook his head. “You’re right, that is pretty bad.”

“I mean, N’Sync would have been a little bit less embarrassing. At least Justin Timberlake turned out not to be just some no-talent, bloated, singing douchebag --,” I started.

“Nice,” Mike interrupted.

“But Nick Carter? Howie D? That’s just sad. And why do I know their names?”

“That is an intriguing question.”

“Jesus.”

“Yep, pretty much,” Mike said. He opened his mouth like he was going to say something else, but closed it. He did this a few more times before he noticed I’d seen him.

“Hey, FishBoy, what’s up?”

“I’m not supposed to tell you. Mom told me it would embarrass you,” he said.

“Is it more embarrassing than The Backstreet Boys?” I asked.

“Alex. I am telling you. You don’t want to know.”

“Oh, just tell me! I can handle it,” I said, and straightened the blanket over my legs.

“Well,” he looked down. “Apparently you confessed your love to one of the paramedics.”

“Oh shut up! I did not,” I could feel my face redden.

“You so did. He was quite smitten, I think. He came to visit you when you were . . . out.”

“Oh, damn. That’s hot,” I said.

“Ok, Paris. So are you embarrassed?”

“I’m so not,” I contended, trying to will my face to return to a normal color.

“You’re face is pretty red and --”

“Shut it, I’m not.”

“Ok, Ok. Listen,” he said. “I’ve gotta go to work but I’ll come back tomorrow.”

“Sure, no problem,” I said. “Have they said when I can leave yet?”

“Alex . . .”

“I’m just so sick of this place,” I said, blinking away tears. “Ha, get it? Sick of it?”

“Hilarious,” Mike said and grasped my hand. “They want to keep you here for physical therapy, at least at first. They think it will help.”

“Right, I know,” I said and wiped my eyes. “Go! Go to work or you’ll be late and get fired and end up unemployed like me.”

“Oh, shut up,” he laughed. “See you later. Love you.”

“Love you, too, sissy.”

His laughter followed him out of my room and then I was left in silence. Well, kind of. The hospital is freaking loud. I mean, when you think about the last time you visited someone in the hospital, you were probably only there for a couple of hours, at most. It wasn’t that loud, was it? But when you live here, loudness takes a different form. It’s relative. Sure, there aren’t fire alarms and air horns going off in the hallway, but when a place is that quiet even the softest noise is jarring. The beeping of the machines, the rattle of the food carts, nurses laughing, it all gets very annoying eventually.

Luckily, I don’t hear many people crying. I’m not on that floor, not anymore, and when I was I wasn’t aware of much of anything so the most sadness I’ve had to deal with are the looks of pain and guilt in my mother’s eyes. Which makes me feel guilty. Which makes me sad, which makes her sad and it’s all just a vicious, annoying cycle of sadness.

At least I’ve gotten to catch up on my reading. You know that list of the 100 books you’re supposed to read before you die? I’m on number 57. Also, I haven’t had to shave my legs in like, forever. It’s kind of disgusting, sure, but if anyone stares or says anything it makes them the bad guy because I’ve got bigger problems. Ha. Jerks.

This hospital does have a pretty sweet entertainment hookup. What I mean is, they have a TV and they let my brother bring in a DVD player to hook to it. I can quote the entire first season of Arrested Development, which I’m sure is a talent I can add to my resume.

My favorite pastime here, though, has to be sleeping. If you do it during the day you can say you’re napping. But, you can also go to bed at 7:30 and not get up until noon the next day. Then you can take a nap after lunch. Really, if you think about it, you can spend the entire day sleeping and no one would really know. Or care, because, hey, you’re in a hospital, what else are you supposed to do. Maybe I can get a candy striper uniform so I’ll have something to do.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I think it’s naptime.

project(s) update = yaaaaawn

Hey, look at that, it's November 15th, which means the month is HALF OVER. How did that happen? November seems to be the month of projects or something and I figured since the month is half over, I'd report on my progress. STAY TUNED FOR EXCITEMENT, EVERYONE. And by excitement, I mean this will be really boring, probably, but try and stay awake, will you? Thanks.

NaBloPoMo: Well, I've posted every day, so technically it's going fine but I feel like I'm cheating because the quality of my posts...well...let's just say there have been a lot of Youtube videos.

Harry Potter Read-a-thon: I am so gonna win. I'm about halfway done with Half-Blood Prince. I don't anticipate Dealthy Hallows taking very long because once I get to a certain point, I am physically unable to put the book down.

NaNoWriMo: I am almost to the halfway point. I think I'm a couple thousand words away from 25,000, so I'm hopeful that I can write a little extra each day and finish on time. Once I'm done with Harry Potter, I should have a lot more time to write.

30 Days of Harry Potter: Um, I've missed a ton of days on this. So here, really quick, are my answers to the questions I've missed so far. Oopsies.

Favorite magical creature

Buckbeak!

Favorite professor

Loony Loopy Lupin!

Who would you want to be friends with at Hogwarts?

Luna Lovegood!

What pet would you want to have? (owl, cat, rat or toad)

Owl!

Favorite spell

Accio all my crap! I'm lazy so this one would be perfect.

Top 3 least favorite characters

I hate Umbridge enough to count for three people, so Umbridge, Umbridge, Umbridge!

this is the laziest post ever...and it's really poorly written...I mean, way worse than usual...dot dot dot

I might give up on this HP question extravaganza because I think it's making me lazy. Well, lazier.

I do have to say that I am really enjoying the Great Harry Potter Reread of 2010. It's been a while since I've read them all. Usually when I reread them, I skip the first two books because...well, duh. It's strange, though, I find myself getting weepy at the oddest moments, moments that didn't cause tears the first time I read the books but now that I've read all of them, I spend most of my time all, "THIS IS SO EMOTIONALLY SIGNIFICANT AND I WANT TO CRY" because yeah, you guys, I want to cry. I got teary the first time I saw chubby, little Neville when I was watching The Sorcerer's Stone yesterday. WTF, you guys, WTF?

Not much is going on, which is kind of weird after the past month or two of crazy hellaciousness, and I would probably be spending a lot of time wondering what to do with myself were it not for NaNo and the GHPR2010 and NaBloMe.

In other news, I took Max for a walk yesterday and two things happened:

1) I lost his poop in a pile of leaves, because it was a HUGE pile of leaves and his poops are little. When I told Joe about it, he was all, "WHY DID YOU LET HIM WALK IN A PILE OF LEAVES? and I will explain more about that in a moment

and 2) Someone had their dog off of his leash, which is fine if your dog is well-behaved, I suppose. Anyway, so suddenly this giant German Shepherd is running straight at me and instead of having a normal person reaction and being, I don't know, cautious around the 90 pound stranger-dog, I was all, "LOOK AT YOU!" and bent down so I could hug him and love him and call him George. Only his name was Buddy. Anyway, he didn't rip my face off, so that's awesome.

Yeah, so the pile of leaves thing. Joe and I were walking Max a while ago and I was letting Max frolic in leaf piles and Joe was like, "I wish you wouldn't do that," and I was all, "why not?" and he was like, "because he'll get bugs all over him," and I was like, "...um, WHAT." Apparently Joe wasn't allowed to play in leaf piles when he was a kid because his parents told him he'd get bugs all over him. And I was all, "GO AHEAD MAX YOU PLAY IN ALL THE LEAVES." Then I tried to push Joe in a leaf pile but it didn't work because he's way taller than me so really all that happened is that I almost fell over. True story.

Anyway, today's HP question is something about what character you'd be if you lived in HP-land and my answer is I DON'T KNOW, YOU TELL ME. So...you tell me, please.

a study in non-productivity

Right now I am:

Watching The Sorcerer's Stone while alternately:

Reading Goblet of Fire and working on my NaNo novel, which means:

I'm not really getting anything done. I did manage to shower, so that's a big win, I guess. But whatever, I suppose you're using your extra hour in a more productive fashion? GOOD FOR YOU.

I can at least answer today's Harry Potter question, which is: What class you most want to take?

Transfiguration, obviously, because McGonagall is the shit. Or maybe Defense Against the Dark Arts as taught by Professor Lupin.

6. Favorite villain

Remember when Sirius Black was a villain? That was awesome. But he was a good villain, all crazy and screamy and murdery. I mean, I liked him more when he was Harry's irresponsible godfather but then he went and got himself killed by my other favorite villain, Bellatrix LeCRAZYASSFACE.

Anyway, have you guys seen this? It's pretty old, but I think you should see it:

30 Days of Harry Potter: Top 3 favorite characters

THIS IS SO HARD (twss). I'm changing the topic a bit and making it top 3 favorite characters who are not Harry, Hermione, or Ron because...well, because it just makes things easier for me. And, in the end, isn't that what really matters?

1. Hagrid (alternate: Neville)
2. Ginny Weasley (alternate: Hedwig)
3. Lupin (alternate: Tonks, duh)

Again, my answer really depends on the day. I'm sure as soon as I hit publish, I'll have changed my mind.

30 Days of Harry Potter DAY 3: What would your Patronus be?

The other night at dinner, Joe told me that he was talking to one of the neighbors one morning while he was walking Max and the neighbor warned him to WATCH OUT FOR COYOTES. Apparently, several people had spotted a coyote by the pond (the one Heather got in trouble for throwing rocks into) and along the edges of the parking lots, where there are lots of trees. The guy was all, "just be careful walking at night," and advised us to stay in the well-lit areas and to shine a flashlight in the coyote's face if it approached. Luckily, we have a flashlight. We had to get one because it's hard to see Max's poops in the grass when it's all dark outside, and since it gets dark at 3:30 now, we usually end up walking him all blind and shit.

So, Joe is telling me this, and I'm all, "and all this time I was worried about ZOMBIES attacking us while we're out for a walk, and not coyotes," and Joe was all, "...yeah...anyway, be careful." And I was like, NO WAIT because here:

Me: Don't worry, if I see a coyote, I'll just tell it to go away.
Joe: Yeah, I don't know if that will work.
Me: Hahahaha, remember that time everyone thought I saw a coyote?
Joe: You mean the time you lied to everyone on your blog?
Me: ...You're going to have to be more specific.
Joe: People thought you saw a coyote because YOU SAID YOU SAW A COYOTE.
Me: Yeah, but I also said I talked to it, I thought people would realize it was fake. I mean, I had a conversation with a coyote.
Joe: Jennie, you have conversations like that with ducks ALL THE TIME.
Me: Oh, right.

So, long story short, my patronus would totally be a duck. QUACK.

ETA: Or an otter, since Joe won't let me get a real one.

NaBloMe: Day 2

30 Days of Harry Potter, stolen shamelessly from here:

Order the books from favorite to least favorite:

1. Prizoner of Azkaban
2. Goblet of Fire
3. Deathly Hallows
4. Half Blood Prince
5. Order of the Phoenix
6. Sorcerer's Stone
7. Chamber of Secrets

Order the movies from favorite to least favorite

1. Prizoner of Azkaban
2. Half Blood Prince
3. Order of the Phoenix
4. Goblet of Fire
5. Sorcerer's Stone
6. Chamber of Secrets

These lists are completely arbitrary. You could ask me again tomorrow and my answers might be totally different. Oh, well, the point is that I posted today, half-assed though it was.

Here comes the funcooker!

I'm posting today because I haven't quite decided NOT to do NaBloPoMo. I'm definitely doing NaNoWriMo, if only because I told both Ashley and Joe I would do it BUT ALSO because I got an email from my past self (via FutureMe) that simply said:

Subject: NaNoWriMo

DO IT.

So I'm doing it. You can't back out on something your past self told you to do, you just can't.

In any case, last year it really helped me to post on my blog every day, even if I was just posting my word count because A) it kept me honest and B) you all could yell at me if I didn't write my daily word count. BUT. This year is a bit different because Joe and I also have a bet going, which is going to take up a lot of my non-NaNo-writing time until November 18th. Here is how the bet happened:

Me: I kind of want to read Deathly Hallows again before the movie comes out.
Joe: Do you have time?
Me: Oh, totally. I could read it twice before the movie comes out.
Joe: Why would you do that?
Me: THREE TIMES. I COULD READ IT THREE TIMES BEFORE THE MOVIE COMES OUT.
Joe: O...K?
Me: What, I could do it.
Joe: Wanna bet?
Me: YES.
Joe: Um. OK.
Me: I don't really want to read Deathly Hallows three times in a row, though.*
Joe: Hmm. OK. Let me think.
Me: Sure...
Joe: OK, I bet that you can't read all seven books before the movie comes out.
Me: That's it?
Joe: ...
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.

So that's the bet, whether or not I can read all seven books before midnight on November 18th. The loser (Joe) will have to make dinner for the winner (me) for a full week. The winner (me) gets to pick what the loser (Joe) makes. Any menu suggestions? Joe might need time to prepare.

*not because I don't love it, but because my eyes might dry up and fall out from all the crying