Monday, December 15, 2008

WARNING: there is disturbing hooha talk ahead. I mean it. Turn away now.

Thank you all for the kind words yesterday. I knew I could count on you guys.

Now, it's time to talk about the gyno. I know, how excited are you? So. I went to the gyno this morning, because what better way to start the week than by letting someone you don't know very well shove a cold piece of metal into your hooha and poke around with giant Q-tips. BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT THEY DO. I think sometimes men wonder why women complain about going to the gyno and HERE IS WHY.

First, you walk in and they weigh you. I'm really OK with this. The part I have a problem with is that they then measure you and SOMEHOW I've shrunk a quarter of an inch from last time I was in. Or I was wearing thicker socks last time. Or I was standing up straighter. I don't know. But I do know that 26 is probably too young to start shrinking.

Then they take you to an exam room, where they point out the lovely frock you'll be wearing. The nurse is all, "make sure the gown is open in the back and put this white sheet over your lap." The white sheet is for privacy while the doctor gropes you. You'll see.

So you change into this gown, making sure to leave the opening in the back, and cover your business with the white sheet. You wait and wait and wait and, if you're like me, you're just getting to a good part in your book when the doctor walks in and is all, "How's life? How often do you do it? Have you ever been pregnant? When was the first day of your last cycle?" It's like an exam you haven't studied for PLUS ALSO an interrogation. There are even hot lights shining on you. Sure, they're shining on your lady parts, but whatever.

After some chit-chat, the doctor tells you to lie back and put your arms over your head so she can feel you up and make sure your boobs aren't bad-lumpy. And then she yells at your for not giving yourself monthly breast exams. My doctor also likes small talk, but instead of talking about the weather, she'll talk about how her kids go to Catholic school and one day they came home and said they'd had a discussion about abortion in religion class. And you just smile and nod and try to pretend she's not kneading your boob like a bunch of dough.

Now comes the big show. The stirrups come out and she's all, "scoot down here . . . a bit more . . . that's it . . . relax your knees," and it's very uncomfortable, except you're kind of distracted because SHE'S STILL TALKING ABOUT ABORTION. And then, with some gentle words ("oh boy, this part is never fun") she violates you with a piece of metal. Good times. Now is when she switches subjects a bit and starts talking about how she really liked that Mike Huckabee and you bite your tongue because you are in a VERY. COMPRIMISING. POSITION. and she could do you permanent damage. Eventually, she finishes and you think it's all over, but then she feels your ovaries or uterus or whatever. From the inside. Yeah. I've heard some gynos poke you in the butthole or something, but mine doesn't do that. If she did, I'd poke HER in the butthole and see how she likes people messing around down there.

See? I told you not to read this. That'll learn you.

13 comments:

You can call me, 'Sir' said...

Did she at least offer you a post-exam cigarette?

Stephanie said...

Dude, *I* went to the gynecologist today too! AWESOME!

S said...

THANK YOU for noticing the spotlight.

The first two times I went to the gyno, I was just so nervous that I stared at the ceiling. So it wasn't until the third time I went that I saw her drag the light right over to my lady parts, and was like, "Wow, nothing like shining a light on it." And she just laughed at me.

I'm just glad someone else noticed cause I was all like, "Seriously?"

eclectic said...

It is hellish. After every one of those exams, I seriously contemplate whether dying of cervical cancer is really such a bad option after all.

Ashley said...

I felt seriously violated the last time I went, and the part where they feel your ovaries from the inside is THE WORST. Don't make me go back!

Tam said...

I like the light because it is warm on my parts.

Also you forgot the cold gel that they just leave on there and you have to find a tissue to wipe it off before you put your underthings back on.

Also, I would have poked her in the butthole just for the abortion and Huckabee talk. No. thank. you.

srah said...

TMI alert: I have never left a gynecological appointment without bleeding. I don't know exactly what they're doing down there, but I always had the impression doctors were supposed to stop bleeding instead of causing it.

srah said...

Oh yes, don't forget the gel. That stuff is nasty.

mysterygirl! said...

I was going to say that usually I make a man buy me dinner before he pulls those moves on me, but we all know that's not true.

Joe G. said...

I found this post to be very informative. Having never been to the gynecologist, I enjoyed reading about what it must be like. And it truly sounds like it's hellish.

And everyone's comments were lovely.

They grab your ovaries from the inside? How does that work exactly? Can I get some sort of a diagram? Wait, I'll just Google it. Oh, here's a video in which they demonstraOH MY GOD WHAT THE HELL STOP IT STOP IT.

Fraulein N said...

Horrifying. I mean, I've BEEN to the gyno and it's still horrifying to read about it like that. I'm trying to figure out the worst part but IT'S ALL THE WORST PART.

Never That Easy said...

I think they must spend all day plotting: "What is the most offensive thing I can get away with saying while I have my hand in her hooha? Will she stop me if I talk about abortion? No; how about Huckabee... Maybe I'll tell her that I burn down orphanages at night: she's not going to say anything!"

peefer said...

I get my first colonoscopy in about a year, so that makes me sort of like your little sister, right?