I've learned there are three things you don't discuss with people: religion, politics, and the Great Pumpkin.

So. I signed up for NaBloPoMo again this year, and will be posting every day in November. Remember how I did it last year? And then didn't blog for all of December? Yeah, we'll see how it goes this time.

I'm going to make it easier on myself, though. I started some stories . . . um, a long time ago and posted the first part, but WHAT YOU DON'T KNOW is I've been working on them in secret ever since then. And when I say working on them, I mean I'll write 100 words about every two weeks, when I remember I'm supposed to be writing stories. So I'll be continuing one or both of those throughout November so I don't have to come up with stuff about my life to write about every day. You know, I say that is my plan right now, but that could very well change tomorrow. I think you know by now that you should take everything I say with a grain of salt. What does that even mean? Take it with a grain of salt . . . what?

Well. According to Wikipedia:

(With) a grain of salt is a literal translation of a Latin phrase, (cum*) grano salis.

In common parlance, if something is to be taken with a grain of salt, it means that a copious measure of skepticism should be applied regarding a claim; that it should not be blindly accepted and believed without any doubt or reservation. According to the Oxford English Dictionary "to take 'it' with a grain of salt" means "to accept a thing less than fully". It dates this usage back to 1647.

The phrase comes from Pliny the Elder's Naturalis Historia, regarding the discovery of a recipe for an antidote to a poison. In the antidote, one of the ingredients was a grain of salt. Threats involving the poison were thus to be taken "with a grain of salt" and therefore less seriously. An alternative account says that the Roman general believed he could make himself immune to poison by ingesting small amounts of various poisons, and he took this treatment with a grain of salt to help him swallow the poison. In this version, the salt is not the antidote, it was taken merely to assist in swallowing the poison.

So BASICALLY I just compared my words to poison, and if you drink the poison, take some antidote that has a grain of salt in it. Or you could just try eating a grain of salt, but you'll probably die. Sorry.

Last night, I went over to my parents' house to help them pass out candy, although I mostly stood there staring out the window, hoping this kid on a skateboard would fall down, oh, and also drinking wine and eating my weight in tiny Twix bars. There was a little discussion of the upcoming election, and I may or may not have promised my sister $5 if she voted for Obama. The offer still stands, Mindy.

I'm KIDDING! I'd give her way more than $5. ZING!

Um. Anyway. It being Halloween and all, we were allowed to dress up at work today. I went the Jim Halpert Three-Hole-Punch route, meaning the lazy route. I'm not Three-Hole-Punch Jennie, instead I'm Jennie on the Weekend. My costume includes the following: jeans, sweater, Chuck Taylors. There weren't really any good costumes at work this year. No Storm Troopers or Marios. We did get to go to the conference center for hot cider and snacks and OH MY GOD, YOU GUYS they had tiny pies! You know on Pushing Daisies? When Chuck makes cup-pies? THEY WERE JUST LIKE THAT. Adorable.

And now I'm sitting here wondering if someone spiked my cider, because I'm feeling a little fuzzy and also my face is all warm. I mean, I just wish someone would have TOLD me the cider was spiked. I would have had more.

*hee

Hey, all right, Ross came as Doody!

We celebrated Halloween a bit early this year, dressing up on Saturday and hitting both the Oregon District's HauntFest and a Halloween party hosted by a walking taco. The festivities started around 8, even though Heidi was still sewing her costume. I mixed up some black punch (grape Koolaid, orange Koolaid, ginger ale, and vodka) and maybe should have used less vodka and more ginger ale. We even made a frozen hand to put in the punch, but the fingers melted really quickly. Also, Joe broke most of them off when he dropped it into the bowl.

Joe and I made a pretty accurate Charlie Brown and Lucy, Steve ended up as . . . you know, I'm not really sure. Heh. After adding a red jacket to his ensemble, he soon became Chas Tenenbaum, and later on that night, Steve Holt. But the real star that night was Heidi, whose Rainbow Brite costume was the most amazing thing I have ever seen in my life. There are pictures of her and Steve Holt/Chas Tenenbaum, as well as Charlie Brown trying to kick a football, but they're all on Heidi's camera. Sorry.

Down at the Oregon District it was, well, really fucking cold. We didn't stay long, but we were there long enough for Willie Nelson to call me a bitch. As in, "Charlie! Don't let that bitch pull the football away again!" which was ridiculous, because I think at this point Joe was the one carrying the football. See, when I've been drinking, I tend to lose things and my dad has had the football for 96 years and would probably be really upset if I lost it.

Once we got too cold to wander the streets, we ended up at a house party, complete with hot cider, keg, bonfire, and Sarah Palin. Sarah had lots of babies with her, and eventually most ended up in the fire. I'm not saying Sarah Palin likes to burn babies, I'm just telling you what I saw with my own two (somewhat drunk) eyes.

My sister text messaged me yesterday evening, asking what I was doing. I wrote back "nothing," but a more accurate answer would have been this:

I slept til 11, got up and went to Wendy's for lunch, came home and took a three hour nap, did some laundry, showered, put my pajamas back on, watched TV with Heidi, and got El Toro carry out for dinner.

So, yes, it was a bit of a lazy Sunday. I wore pajamas for most of the day, only changing out of them to go to Wendy's, El Toro, and later to buy pumpkins for more pumpkin carving tonight. I heart Halloween so hard.

You are a thief of joy

Apparently the other day when I told you guys about my conversation with the coyote, I wasn't entirely clear that, well, I made all that up. I thought it was obvious, considering most coyotes will not stop and have a conversation with you (they are, instead, usually busy stealing babies with their dingo cousins), but SOME PEOPLE thought I actually did run into the coyote. I did not. I should also tell this person that the time a zombie came out of the pond and I threw Gerard the (not duck) Zmdleud at it, that was all made up, too. I also never fell into a wormhole. And I never found a genie lamp. I'M SORRY I lie. I can't help myself.

And now for a true story. After much (seriously MUCH) consideration, Halloween costumes have been chosen. Heidi is going to be Rainbow Brite and it is going to be amazing. Joe is going to be Charlie Brown. I am going to be Lucy and carry a football. Nancy is going to be a hot dog. I don't know what Steve is going to be. Steve? I don't have any of my costume picked out yet, not even the football, but I have faith that it will all get taken care of. Magically.

TiVo is totally conspiring against Heidi and I. It didn't record Ugly Betty last night! And we still don't have NBC, which isn't really TiVo's fault but I have to blame someone, anyway whatever, don't tell me what happened on The Office or I will have to kill you and I don't want to do that, mostly because I would get my hands dirty and I don't LIKE getting my hands dirty and that's why I hardly ever eat ribs. Or chicken wings. True story.

Last night, we caught up on bunches and bunches of TV shows. First we watched the Project Runway finale. I think I have to revise my list of 5 People I Would Like to Punch. I need to include Kenley because BITCH, SHUT UP. The only redeeming thing about her is that her dad is a tugboat captain. That's it. She is mean to Tim Gunn and for that I will punch her.

Did you know Grey's Anatomy is good again? Because it's totally good again. It's fun! And whimsical! But still sad sometimes. Ugly Betty is good again, too. I mean, I'm assuming this from last week's episode. Last night's episode might have been terrible, I don't know. I doubt it though, because Gio was back and if there's one thing I love, it's Gio. Or the actor that plays Gio anyway. Did you know he was in Can't Hardly Wait? Oh, right, everyone knows that. He was also on Six Feet Under. You know who else was on Six Feet Under? Dwight. He banged the mom. I think. They might not have banged, I don't really remember, but I know there was talk of banging. There were actually three people from Can't Hardly Wait on Six Feet Under. Gio, Lauren Ambrose, and the guy who licks pot brownie off her face in Can't Hardly Wait. I don't know his name but he's weird looking, like a ferret or something in the ferret family.

Anyway. I'm pretty excited about this weekend. Tonight? Dinner with Joe, possibly a movie, and IF HE'S LUCKY, Lucy-blue-dress shopping. Tomorrow, Heidi and I are going to this store that has ALL KINDS of random crap. It's sort of like Ikea, but even cheaper and it doesn't really sell furniture. And then we're going to get steak for dinner. STEAK. Yum. And then! We're buying pumpkins to take over to Tamara's and carve. I believe there will be spiked cider and since I like spiked anything, I'm pretty excited. Although, drinking spiked cider and then carving pumpkins doesn't sound very safe. Luckily, Tamara's husband is in med school, so if I slice off a finger, he'll probably know what to do. If anyone has any brilliant ideas for what I should carve into my pumpkin, please let me know. Last year, I created my own pumpkin face template and it ended up looking like the face of one of Calvin's snowmen. So, you know, I sort of need some help.

Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time.

So it turns out that skipping a week of running is NOT, in fact, a good idea. I went running after work yesterday and wanted to die fifteen times. It's true. I counted. And then I thought I actually MIGHT die when I ran into the coyote.

Coyote: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Me: Um.
Coyote: Ahem. Excuse me.
Me: Can you let me pass?
Coyote: No.
Me: Please?
Coyote: Only if you can answer three questions.
Me: Sigh. Fine.
Coyote: What is your name?
Me: Jennie.
Coyote: What is your quest?
Me: Um. To go home and collapse on the floor until my heart rate returns to normal.
Coyote: What is your favorite color?
Me: Blue.
Coyote: Really?
Me: Yes.
Coyote: You're not just saying that? Cause of the movie?
Me: No. I'm not just saying that cause of the movie.
Coyote: OK, fine, go ahead.
Me: Byeeeeeeee!

He was really nice. He didn't try to eat my face once, which was nice.

The other night, I went running IN THE DARK. I got home from volunteering and saw that Heidi had been to the gym and so I shamed myself into running. I'm not going running by myself in the dark anymore. At least not around Halloween. Because . . . see . . . that's when ghosts come out and do stuff. And I don't know for sure, but I think if zombies were going to attack, it would be on Halloween because they could just hang out on someone's porch, pretending to be a Halloween decoration, and then when the owner comes out of the house they'd be all, "AAAAAAAAAAUUUURRRRRGH! I WILL BITE YOU NOW!" only not so articulate. True story. Also, it's dangerous to run at night. There are still piles of branches and crap from the windicane that happened A MONTH AGO and when I ran by a big pile, I didn't see a stick sticking out of the pile and it scratched my leg. It's OK, though. It's just a flesh wound.

Hee! I just had this conversation with one of our field agents in Georgia:

Me: HR, this is Jennie.
Her: Hey, Jennie.
Me: Good morning! How are you?
Her: Oh, god, you sound so Northern.
Me: . . .

I mean . . . I talk to her almost EVERY DAY. Hey, remember when my blog had a point? Yeah, me neither.

PS: I still need help with my Halloween costume idea. Please do my thinking for me, I'd be very appreciative. Here are the stipulations: I don't want to wear a wig, so whatever I dress up as has to have dark brown hair. I don't want to spend a lot of money. I'm lazy, so I don't want to do a lot of sewing or gluing or anything. I will be outside, so I'm not dressing as slutty anything.

there is talk of barfing . . . don't say I didn't warn you

Hi, Internets. It's Tuesday. Just so you know. Some of you may be confused because yesterday was Columbus Day, and so you might not have had to work. I didn't. I'm not bragging or anything, I totally deserved it and here is why. I was supposed to go hang out with my BFFs on Saturday. At a bar. For much drinking. IN THE AFTERNOON and also at night. But here's what happened instead. I took a shower, felt sick, sat on the edge of the bathtub, and then realized I was going to vom and vom hard. And so vom I did, and while I was vomming, I realized I really needed to clean my bathroom.

So I missed hanging out with my BFFs, but luckily Joe brought over some movies so I wouldn't be too bored and Heidi kept me updated throughout the evening (for instance, "we are at mcs and there were naked men") and then she sent me a video of everyone saying they missed me. I finally left the apartment Sunday night because I was going CRAZY. It's weird, because I would willingly stay in the apartment all hermit-like for days at a time if I didn't have to go to work, but if I didn't CHOOSE to stay there, I get all cranky and have to leave immediately.

It's a damn good thing I had yesterday off, since I spent most of the weekend feeling like my stomach was going to rip itself in half. Several important things happened. I rode a dinosaur:



I went to a used bookstore and it smelled like old books and I sort of got lost in the stacks in the back and it was awesome.

I think I have decided to be Sarah Palin for Halloween. And Joe is going to be Joe Six Pack. Really, I wanted to be Liz Lemon because I could just wear my normal clothes and hair and glasses and I'm lazy so that really suits me. Or I could be Punky Brewster. I'll decide later, I'm tired right now.