Friday, January 29, 2010

I'll be up in the gym just WORKIN' ON MY FITNESS*

I had been doing really well with the whole working out thing, until Monday because I started to feel like poo because my mom gave me her germs, which is sweet and all, but really I wish she'd kept them all for herself. Because that's the kind of daughter I am, I will make that kind of sacrifice. Anyway, before the sickness, I was alternating between running and stuff in the fitness room and doing Jillian's 30 Day Shred.

I managed to move on to Level 2 of the Shred, even though most of the time it made me want to die, but I started to get really bored. I was tired of watching Jillian flirt with Natalie and fawn over Anita's abs. I didn't want to listen to her tell me about how she was making big promises, and that's why she was torturing me, or that she wanted me to feel like I was gonna die (the hell, Jillian?) because I was BORED. I was getting so bored that, since I had the DVD memorized, I was doing it without the aid of the DVD while I watched something else. And I was still bored! Also, tired.

So I bought a couple of her other videos. They're both about 50 minutes long (counting warm up and cool down) and so I figured they might be easier than the Shred. The Shred is only 25 minutes long, so I thought the intensity would be more spread out in the longer videos. This is similar to my theory that tinier animals and people are meaner than bigger animals and people because the evil is more concentrated. (See: little yappy dogs VS. big sweet dogs.) Never mind that I came up with this theory as I was explaining to my friend how scientists had cloned an elephant, but like a collie-sized elephant, and it was really cute but also really mean and would try to poke people with its tiny tusks and it wasn't until I was halfway through my explanation and she was staring at me like I had three heads that I remembered that I had read about this IN A WORK OF FICTION, not on the news. But I still think my theory makes total sense.

Anyway. I did one of the videos last night and now I'm afraid to do the other one. My new heart rate monitor watch said I burned 700 calories, which I really doubt is true but you know? I have never sweat so much in my life and today my entire body feels like I spent the night throwing myself down the stairs over and over so maybe it was accurate. There were moments when I actually cried out, "THAT'S NOT POSSIBLE, JILLIAN!" She for realsies tried to kill me. Toward the end, she was all, "now we're going to do mat work" and I was like, "yay, lying on the floor!" but that was the worst part of the whole workout! You guys, SHE IS EVIL. It's because she's so tiny, see, THEORY VALIDATED.

*yeah, I just quoted Fergie SUCK IT


mysterygirl! said...

"Tinier animals and people are meaner than bigger animals and people because the evil is more concentrated" almost made me spit out my Diet Coke laughing. So, you're lucky you didn't actually make me lose any precious Diet Coke.

I'm afraid of Jillian Michaels. You are a braver soul than I.

Abigail said...

man, jillian is SO gay.

also, mg, diet coke is PRECIOUS. i'm glad you didn't lose any.

Jennie said...

I could use a Diet Coke right now, I'm falling asleep zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Ashley said...

My DVR keeps forgetting to record Biggest Loser. Not that that has anything at all to do with what you just wrote.

Cristy said...

The part about the mini-elephant is hilarious!

Suzy Voices said...

I have the other videos too. I've only done one of them and I wanted to die. Jillian is an evil leprechaun.

Kiti said...

1. Isn't the thing about the small cloned elephant from Jurassic Park (the book, not the movie)? It so is.
2. How does the evil/size thing work? What if I'm slender, but tall? Does the height give me enough size to overpower the lurking evil of being willowy? Is it based on overall volume? Is there a set evil-to-volume ratio? Should we conduct a scientifically rigorous study?
3. Jillian Michaels IS evil; I'm not entirely certain she is human.

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Unapologetically Mundane said...

You really didn't need to admit to the horrid Fergie thing. I would've never gotten the reference, NOT BEING SOMEONE WHO LISTENS TO HER.