Thursday, May 28, 2009

I'm good enough. I'm smart enough. And doggone it, people like me.

At my heaviest, I weighed 80 bajillion pounds. OK, that's a bit of a lie. OK, that's more than a bit of a lie. But I did weigh too much. I wasn't healthy and I knew it needed to change but I didn't want to do anything about it.

That was right after college. I moved home and wasn't very happy about life in general and the fact that I didn't feel good about myself wasn't so much helping. I soon moved to my own apartment because I figured 22 was a good enough time as any to become a responsible adult. It was around this time that I stopped living in denial. Up until then, I'd look at pictures of myself and ignore how heavy I'd gotten. "It's just a bad angle," I'd think or, "It must be that shirt so I'd better not wear it anymore."

I signed up for Weight Watchers Online and started being very strict about what I was eating and drinking. I was shocked (shocked!) at how small a normal serving size seemed and I struggled with finding filling foods (alliteration FTW!) so I wouldn't binge on a bag of potato chips at 4 AM. Luckily, Heidi had already been using the program, so I went to her with all of my many questions.

I was amazed (amazed!) when I started shedding weight. I lost 10 pounds within two weeks and, while the weight loss slowed after that, I was still losing weight every week. Eventually I got to the point where I could fit both arms inside the waistband of my pants (hot!) and, EVEN MORE ATTRACTIVE, the ass of my pants was hanging so low that it looked like I'd pooped myself. I'd lost something like 50 pounds. At this point, I went through my closet, gleefully trying on clothes that were now about four sizes too big and then throwing them in my Goodwill pile.

I still didn't feel like I looked any different, no matter how many people I ran into that hadn't seen me in months. They'd be all, "wow, you're not a fatty anymore, congrats!" but I didn't entirely believe them. To be honest, I still don't feel like I look much different. And lately, for some reason, I've been feeling really down about myself. I don't know why but I think it might have something to do with the fact that A) it's summer and B) I wear a bathing suit a lot more during the summer.

I've decided that this is ridiculous. I should be proud of the way I look because HELLO I lost 50 freaking pounds. I tend to downplay that. Like it wasn't hard to do even though, um, it was totally hard to do.

I went from this:

before

to this (please also notice the perfect Guitar Hero score in the background):

after

I should be proud of that.

My next goal is to stop worrying so much about whether or not I gain or lose a couple of pounds because WHO CARES as long as I'm healthy. I feel like I'm always waiting for that time when I'll lose 10 pounds or "look better" and, just, what? What does that mean, "look better?" Why can't I look OK right now?

So do me a favor. The next time you're standing in front of the mirror and your first thoughts are along the lines of, "do these pants make me look fat?" or "oh, muffin top, I beseech thee, GO AWAY," tell your brain to STFU because you look awesome. I know this is totally Stuart Smalley but seriously . . . you're good enough, you're smart enough, and goddamn it, PEOPLE LIKE YOU. And they also want to do you, because you're hot. So, you know, deal with it.

18 comments:

kat said...

dude, you are totally my super hero.

S said...

I think I may need to print out this post and stick it to my fridge and/or mirror.

Also, seriously, I'm majorly impressed. I've done WW multiple times and the best I've ever done is coming within 1-2 lbs of my 10% goal. (And the one time I had any chance of reaching it, I got pregnant and was banished from going to meetings anymore until I pop the kid out. Go figure!) So this is doubly-inspiring. 1) To realize I'm good enough the way I am, and 2) to realize that if I want to get healthier, I can totally do that too. So thanks! :)

Jennie! said...

kat, can I have a cape?

S, eventually I got to a point where WW didn't really work anymore, so now I'm trying to exercise BUT I HATE EXERCISE WAAH I DON'T WANNA RUN. Ahem. My point is, you ARE good enough the way you are, although you probably shouldn't stay pregnant forever because that would be uncomfortable. Hee.

Julie G. said...

Put me on the impressed side of the spreadsheet!

Once upon a time I lost over 50 pounds on WW. But alas, they found me again.

I've decided that while Mike is gone this summer, I'm going to exercise all the time since I'll have nothing else to do. So far, no exercise. Hmmm...

Jennie! said...

The problem is, there's always something to do other than exercise because exercising blows.

peefer said...

We all thought you were awesome both before and after. But to be honest, that weird finger grabbing habit (the before picture) made us uncomfortable, and we're glad you stopped it.

Jennie! said...

Yeah, I really have no idea what I'm doing there.

heather! anne! said...

You're a ten, Bax. For real.

Mary Sue said...

Jennie, delurking to say, Congrats! You should be proud because you look awesome - and I am sure your svelteness helps with your guitar hero skills.

Also, exercise thoughts. I started exercising multiple times a week at the gym when I was 15. I am now 31... You know how long that is to be bored at the gym? So, I decided not to do it anymore. Now I only do things I like. I take dance class and hike and rock climb and FUN STUFF. I am considering running again to be in better cardio shape, but it is a lot easier to convince myself to do something fun than it is to do something I hate. Words o' wisdom.

Jennie! said...

h!a! well, I do have ten fingers. And ten toes. And ten hearts. Wait, no...

Mary Sue, that is advice I will be taking. I hate going to the gym but hiking and biking (you know, if my bike worked) sound PERFECT. Rock climbing sounds scary, but I'd be willing to try.

Beau said...

Thank you for the self esteem boost, especially the statement that people want to do me, because I am hot. Haha.

Seriously, though, congrats, you look great!

mysterygirl! said...

You are awesome. Losing weight is freakin' hard, so you should feel so proud of accomplishing that. But we love you at any size, because you kick ass no matter what. To Jennie: just as she is!*

Also, I think we should have a party where we all wear pants so big that they hang so low in the butt that it looks like we pooped our pants. We'll look awesome, AND they won't get too tight when we have beers and cheese fries.


*Sorry** for the gratuitous Bridget Jones quotation.

**Ok, not really.

Ashley said...

What a hottie.

I'm sorry, that was awkward.

But question: how do you motivate yourself to exercise, because I am totally unhealthy, and I DON'T WANT TO. Running is grooooossssss.

Stephanie said...

You look quite fabulous.

And thanks for calling me hot. I like hearing that.

Fraulein N said...

Congrats on the weight loss! I'm doing (okay trying to do) Weight Watchers right now, and that shit is HARD, yo.

Jennie! said...

Beau, thanks, and I'm glad your self esteem was totally boosted.

mg! that party sounds awesome and I LOVE gratuitous Bridget Jones quotes.

Ashley, here's the thing: the only way I can make myself work out is to tell myself I look awful and am terrible for not working out, which really works against the whole "feeling good about myself" thing. Heh.

Stephanie, um, you are hot. Duh.

Fraulein, SERIOUSLY. It's so hard. Cupcakes are so good but they're like a million points. The world is unfair.

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