Happy Talk Like a Pirate Day, dear Internets.
And now . . . pirate jokes:
Q: What does a pirate say when he has a heart attack?
A: Arrr! Me heartie!
Q: What's really a pirate's favorite letter?
A: P! Because it's an R, but it's missing a leg!
A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"
"What do you mean?" the pirate replies. "I'm fine."
The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," says the pirate. "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the surgeon fixed me up and I'm fine, really."
"Yeah," says the bartender. "But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands."
"Well," says the pirate. "We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the surgeon fixed me up with this hook. I feel great, really."
"Oh," says the bartender. "What about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had both eyes."
"Well," says the pirate. "One day when we were at sea, some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up and one of them shat in my eye."
"So?" replied the bartender. "What happened? You couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird shit!"
"Well," says the pirate, "It was the first day with me hook."
So a pirate walks into a bar, okay, and swaggers up to the barkeep and demands a glass of rum. I believe his exact words were "Your rum or your life, dog, what'll it be?"
And so the bartender, being a reasonable fellow, makes no complaint but simply grabs a large glass, a bottle of fine dark rum, and begins to pour. And while he's waiting for the glass to fill, he sizes up the pirate, having never seen a real honest-to-God pirate before.This pirate is in full pirate gear. Gold earrings, patch over the eye, a big filthy white blouse covering his swarthy chest, tattoos everywhere, all of it. But protruding from his pirate trousers is the unmistakable form of a steering wheel.
Well, the bartender sees that the glass of rum is just about topped off, so he passes the glass across the bar to the pirate, who nods curtly and takes a huge swig of the rum. Slapping a dubloon on the bartop, he turns to walk away, when our bartender's curiousity gets the best of him."
Wait, one second. What's up with the steering wheel?"And the pirate turns back and fixes him with a beady glare from his lone eye. "Arrr, I don't know, but it's drivin' me nuts!"