Thursday, April 1, 2010

this is what happens when you feed yourself nothing but caffeine and junk food for a week straight

Guess what, y'all? Yes, I just said y'all. Sometimes I pretend I'm from the South because accents are fun. Anyway, guess what? I'M MOVING TOMORROW. I keep switching from rabid excitement that I get to live with Joe (JEALOUS?) and crippling sadness that Heidi and I won't be roommates anymore (SAD FACE) and it's exhausting, y'all. EXHAUSTING. I'm so tired! It's making me not make much sense. I will show you. Here is an excerpt from the email I sent Joe this morning:

I'm just responding to your email from yesterday because I'm lazy, that's why! Hee. I've had a tense morning so far. I got up late (naturally) so I was running late (what is wrong with me?) and then I couldn't find my badge in my purse. So I was freaking out because I need it to get into the parking lot AND the building. Anyway, I grabbed my coat on the way out the door as an afterthought, because it was already pretty warm out, and good thing I did because about halfway to work, I thought, "Hmm, I wonder if I put my badge in my coat pocket yesterday at work," and wouldn't you know it? I did. Whew. Crisis averted. But then I got an eyelash in my eye! While I was driving! And I couldn't get it out! Because of the driving! It was so dangerous. Don't worry, though, when I got to work, I got it out. With a twisted up corner of a tissue because I AM A GENIUS. Also, that's what my grandma used to do when I'd get an eyelash in my eye when I was little. Which happened a lot for some reason. And she'd come at me with the tissue and I'd freak out like she was trying to get the eyelash out with a machete instead of a tissue. I was a little pussy when I was a kid.

It's true, though, I was totally a little pussy when I was a kid. There is video evidence. I graduated from Safety Village when I was 5. Did you guys have Safety Village? Safety Village was so awesome, you guys, way better than Oregon Trail even. Basically, you learned about traffic lights and how to cross the street safely and I know that sounds boring but this one day they brought in a real life traffic light and put it on a desk and we got to play with it. It was bigger than I am now, I'm pretty sure.

But the best part was the actual SAFETY VILLAGE that was outside on the playground. Like, it was this tiny city with crosswalks and streets and sidewalks and it was all little child sized. AND THERE WERE CARS! Little cars you could drive around the tiny village! I mean, they didn't have little engines, they were like Flintstones cars and you had to propel them forward with your feet but WHO CARES it was still awesome because the difference between me and the Flintstones is that (most of the time) I wear shoes.

Anyway, the video evidence was from my Safety Village graduation, and my mom was recording me looking both ways before crossing the tiny fake streets because that is obviously something you want to document. What if you're at a job interview someday and they're all, "she's great, but can she obey traffic laws?" and then you can be like, "BOOM! Check this shit out, btw, do you have a VCR up in this bitch?" and then they'll hire you in spite of the cursing because you are SO GOOD at looking both ways and that's what this country needs right now! People who can look both ways, not just ONLY left or ONLY right. See what I did there?

OK, now that we've covered how to ace an interview, let's move on. So I finished crossing all the streets in the village and decided to get in one of the little cars. But as I was waiting my turn some other kid raced right in front of me and got in my car! That's when I started crying and my mom was all, "Jenny (cause that's how I spelled my name back then), there's another car right there." I'm a little ashamed that my reaction at that time was to run away crying to my mommy (um, Jennie, you were 5) but I guess it taught me a valuable lesson about standing up for yourself because now if that happened I'd straight up PUNCH THAT LITTLE KID IN THE FACE.

10 comments:

Heidi said...

I'm not really sure what this post is about but for some raisin I can follow it. Also, I always knew you were an ambi-turner.

Jennie said...

Merman! MERMAN!

I don't really know what this post is about, either.

Cristy said...

But it was so much fun to read! :)

Cristy said...

But it was so much fun to read! :)

Joe G. said...

I always wanted to drive one of the little cars (fun fact for the reader: I attended the same Safety Village that Jennie did, though not at the same time, that I know of), but I was too big for them. I was tall even as a child.

All-time Pedestrian!

Jennie said...

I bet I could still fit in the cars.

Also! What if we WERE at Safety Village at the same time? What if you were the little kid who stole my car?! I owe you a punch later.

Joe G. said...

I couldn't have stolen your car because, as I stated above (if you had been reading), I was too big for the cars. No hitting!

Jennie said...

I did read! Maybe you just wanted to steal it so I couldn't ride in the car either. Why didn't you want me to have fun?

Never That Easy said...

Sometimes I write a post and I worry that it has too much random stuff in it (like Jim Dale and my hatred for cherry-flavored medicines), but then I come here and I remember that those are the posts I like to read the most.

Good luck with your moving tomorrow: I hope the happy to sad face ratio works in your favor.

You can call me, 'Sir' said...

Sometimes when I read your stuff I wonder to myself, 'Why does she bother using punctuation?', because punctuation mostly just gets in the way of your stream of thought. So, I usually just pretend there's no punctuation and read it all as fast as I can, because I bet that's what it sounds like in your head. Which is amazing.