Friday, March 12, 2010

TMI? Too much information. Uh, it's just easier to say TMI. I used to say don't go there, but that's lame.

It's been a while since I've shared too much information with the internet, I think, but HOLD ONTO YOUR BUTTS because I went to the lady doctor on Monday.

That's right. I scheduled an appointment with the lady doctor on a Monday morning, because apparently there's no better way to start your week than having someone poke around your girly parts with cold, metal instruments.

So in I went and when the nurse took my blood pressure she was all, "why is your blood pressure so high," and I was like, "because I'm at the doctor's office, duh," and then the doctor took it again later and was all, "why is your blood pressure so high" and I was all, "gee, I don't know, maybe because this one time I came in here and you forcibly ripped out a piece of my body so this place doesn't really give me CUDDLY, WARM FUZZIES."

Long story short (ha!), I have to start watching my sodium, because sodium is an evil bitchmonster, hell-bent on making my heart explode before I'm 30. JK, it's not that bad, but did you know there's a shitload of sodium in everything? Like, that water you're drinking probably has 5000 mgs of sodium in it. OK, it doesn't, unless you dumped four teaspoons of salt in there but why would you do that? That's disgusting.

It turns out lots of foods I thought were healthy are NOT healthy, sodium-wise, because they've been processed out the wazoo (what a fun word) and processed food, while delicious, is a big bad. Not THE big bad, though, otherwise Buffy could just smack it around for a while and all would be well. I wish I could shrink Buffy real tiny like and shoot her into my bloodstream to stake all of the sodium molecules before they could eff up my body. That would be awesome. It could be an Innerspace sequel which OMG I love that movie so much.

Right. So. Here is where the TMI comes in. This may not be common knowledge to those of you with penises, but when you go to the lady doctor, she spends a lot of time feeling you up. This is also when she yells at you for not doing monthly breast exams. The whole thing is less uncomfortable than it sounds, at least with my doctor, because she's really good at carrying on a conversation while she's doing all of that. Do you think they teach that in med school? I think so because I'm pretty sure that's what Karev failed on Grey's Anatomy, and that's where I get all my doctor knowledge. That and WebMD but I'm not allowed to look at WebMD anymore because doctors don't like it when you diagnose yourself.

Anyway, the doctor was rounding second base and there was a break in the conversation where she was all like, "...hmm," and that's not a good noise for a doctor to make while she's kneading your boob like a lump of dough.

"Your boobs are dense," she said (RUDE) and I told her that I TRIED to tell them to pay more attention in school, but would they listen? No. She didn't laugh, though, because she never gets my jokes.

Long story short again (ha!), I have to get an ultrasound next week. On my boobs. Because, according to my doctor, boobs are supposed to feel like cottage cheese and if she feels something pea-like IN the cottage cheese, that's a problem. WELL. APPARENTLY, my boobs feel like cottage cheese that's been left on the counter for too long (her words), so she couldn't tell if she'd found something weird or just, like, even older cottage cheese.

It's really nothing to worry about, and I wasn't even going to say anything on here, but I'm guessing that the experience of getting my boobs ultrasounded is something I'm going to want to blog about and it would be weird if next week I was like, "I got my boobs ultrasounded today," with no explanation beforehand so that's what this is. An explanation. In the meantime, I'm going to get my boobs a therapist because after being called dense and being compared to old cottage cheese, they're having some self-esteem issues.


Joe G. said...

Oh, Jennie.

Jennie said...

Don't worry, I've shared WAY worse with the internets.

Ashley said...

I haven't been to the lady doctor in a really long time because I really don't like it at ALL, with those doctor's getting all up in my bidness, and that's really sad because I usually LOVE going to the doctor.

Jennie said...

I hate going to any doctor. I don't know why. The only one I don't mind is the eye doctor. Again, I don't know why.

Not to get all bossy on you, but you should go to the lady doctor because a lot can go wrong down there. Who knew?

peefer said...

Well, my testicle ultrasound showed up nothing except for a testicle (two actually), so this means your boobasound will be just fine too. Because you and I are like two peas in a ... a ... [ugh]

Julie G. said...

boobasound is my new favorite word.

it must be the week for lady doctors, physician induced high blood pressure (at least that's what i keep telling myself), and followup ultrasounds. we'll both be fine.

Jennie said...

Peefer, that was a touching story. Hee.

Julie, we're twinsies! When is your ultrasound? We will both be fine, true story.

Lindsay said...

Okay, I HATE the lady doctor, but I find they really are the best at holding conversations. And I know doctors. They're not the chattiest or articulate sort of bunch. They're all more like O'Malleys or Karevs. Either total assholes or nerds (the annoying kind, not the cool kind) without social skills.

But yeah, now you got me all worried so this better not be the last we hear about the pea-cottage-cheese-boob ultrasound. Did they give you an indication of what it could be?

Also, I definitely loled at the boob dense joke.

Never That Easy said...

I am definitely stealing your dense boob joke, because my lady parts doctor says that every time, and I never know how to respond.

Best of luck with your boobasound.

mysterygirl! said...

I went to the ladydoctor last Friday! It must be the season. When I got there the woman at the front desk told me that my appointment was free because I had a credit. I don't know what happened that made me earn the credit, unless I really don't understand what they're *actually* supposed to do during those exams.

Fingers crossed that the boobasound will go well. I'm sure that it's nothing, but it's good that your doctor is proactive about that stuff.

mysterygirl! said...

(That was supposed to sound reassuring and optimistic, not dismissive. Hope that's what came across.)

You can call me, 'Sir' said...

Best sodium- and boob-related story ever.