Thursday, June 25, 2009

I speak over two thousand languages, including Dodo and Unicorn. I had a classical education.

The Universe is totally telling me to get a puppy. Look at this Super Exciting Opportunity that I received in my Gmail today:

From: Troye Lincoln
To: Me
Subject: Adorable Puppies Available!!

Hello, My name is Troye, I got your e-mail address from the email surfing marketing affiliated with the US chamber of commerce. Am mailing to let you know i've got some puppies am willing to adopt to a loving and caring home because I don't have the special time they need anymore due to my job. I have a female English bulldog and a male Yorkie. These puppies have got great personality and I will love to let you know that they are not just a puppy but a baby for you. These babies participate in the house jobs and we are teaching them to understand human language. They have this great personality like human. Kindly let me know if you are interested. So I can email you the pictures and more info. Thank you for taking your time to read the advert. Reply to:

So I think I should write him back, yeah? Hee. I mean, I know it's Spam, but it came to my inbox and when I first saw it, I was all, "NOOOOOO! I can't get a puppy right now, STOP TEMPTING ME!"

I don't really want an English bulldog or a Yorkie, anyway, although I am tempted now that I know they are learning to understand HUMAN LANGUAGE. I wonder which human language they're learning. It'd be cool to have a puppy that spoke French, but I don't speak French, so how would I talk to it? Plus! They participate in house jobs? Does that mean they clean the bathroom? Because I hate cleaning the bathroom.

Anyway, it would seem that the theme of this week is ANIMALS ARE CUTE AND AWESOME because you know what? Animals are cute and awesome. I need to unsubscribe from The Daily Puppy and Zooborns because my heart explodes on, like, an HOURLY basis and it takes a long time to clean that up, you know?

Still, I'm POWERLESS against animals IRL. Presented with pretty much any four-legged creature, I melt into a puddle of stupid-voiced goo and spend ten minutes telling a chipmunk how adorable it is and that, DON'T WORRY, everything will be OK, Jennie is here to take care of you OMG WHY DID YOU JUST POOP IN MY CAR.

See: chipmunk.

It's not just four-legged animals, though. Last night, while Joe and I were waiting for our Chinese food (yum), I stared at a group of ducks for SO LONG, I thought Joe might get up and leave me there.


ducks outside Chinese restaurant


Me: Where did they all come from? Why are they out there?
Joe: I don't know.
Me: There are SO MANY.
Joe: Yep.
Me: OMG! One of the ducks? Had something hanging from its bill. And another duck ate it! Haha!
Joe: ...
Me: One of the ducks sat down. Like PLOP.
Joe: ...
Me: Another one sat down.
Joe: ...
Me: There went another one! The way they sit down looks painful. They just flop.
Joe: ...
Me: Haha! That one? The one that ate the thing off the other one's bill? The thing it ate is hanging off its bill now!
Joe: ...
Me: Now like half of them are sitting. One just peed.
Joe: ...
Me: I think that one is sitting in its pee! Gross.
Joe: ...
Me: Also, they're pooping everywhere.
Joe: That's why I'm not looking at them.
Me: Ew, I just saw one poop. I'm going to sit down now.
Joe: Good.

All of this leads me to believe that I need a pet of some kind. Phoebe is alright but she won't let me cuddle her and this one time she puked on my bed. I'm leaning toward a mini pig because OMG SO CUTE. Look. I'll wait. Heather! Anne! says I should get two, so they can be BFFs, which is a good idea because even mini pigs need BFFs. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go think of some names for my new mini pigs.


You can call me, 'Sir' said...

You'll need to get a pumpkin, too, though. Mini pigs require a pumpkin. It seems.

kat said...

yeah, this is pretty much me.

Tam said...

"personality like human"

I don't think this person has quite mastered the language of our people.

Also, on my way to work last week I watched a box truck plow (not even slowing down!) into a flock of Candian Geese crossing the road and three geese and their various organs went flying while the rest limped off or flew away. I contemplated taking a picture of it with my phone to blog about the inappropriateness of it all, but the entire scene was just too gory.

Don't get a puppy. Also, eat at Tsao's cuisine on Colonel Glenn. BEST CHINESE IN DAYTON HANDS DOWN.
Worlds longest comment.

Jennie! said...

Sir, a carved pumpkin, so it would seem.

Kat, it's cause animals are awesome.

Tam, that is so gross. We got Chinese from the place in the same shopping center as LaRosa's. The one with the creepy children statues.

Stephanie said...

There is something so wrong with you. I mean that in a nice way. :)

Anonymous said...

Those mini pigs are adorable!! I'm in the market for a new pet since I recently had to say goodbye to this little sweetheart:

Hubby hates cats, but perhaps his stance on mini pigs is more lenient. ;-)

Elizabeth said...

Jennie, I have a solution. Much easier to care for and just as cute as a puppy...dun dun duh..are you ready? The girl hamster seems to be preggers. You would be welcome to as many babies as you wanted.

Aunt Beth