I'll be up in the gym just WORKIN' ON MY FITNESS*

I had been doing really well with the whole working out thing, until Monday because I started to feel like poo because my mom gave me her germs, which is sweet and all, but really I wish she'd kept them all for herself. Because that's the kind of daughter I am, I will make that kind of sacrifice. Anyway, before the sickness, I was alternating between running and stuff in the fitness room and doing Jillian's 30 Day Shred.

I managed to move on to Level 2 of the Shred, even though most of the time it made me want to die, but I started to get really bored. I was tired of watching Jillian flirt with Natalie and fawn over Anita's abs. I didn't want to listen to her tell me about how she was making big promises, and that's why she was torturing me, or that she wanted me to feel like I was gonna die (the hell, Jillian?) because I was BORED. I was getting so bored that, since I had the DVD memorized, I was doing it without the aid of the DVD while I watched something else. And I was still bored! Also, tired.

So I bought a couple of her other videos. They're both about 50 minutes long (counting warm up and cool down) and so I figured they might be easier than the Shred. The Shred is only 25 minutes long, so I thought the intensity would be more spread out in the longer videos. This is similar to my theory that tinier animals and people are meaner than bigger animals and people because the evil is more concentrated. (See: little yappy dogs VS. big sweet dogs.) Never mind that I came up with this theory as I was explaining to my friend how scientists had cloned an elephant, but like a collie-sized elephant, and it was really cute but also really mean and would try to poke people with its tiny tusks and it wasn't until I was halfway through my explanation and she was staring at me like I had three heads that I remembered that I had read about this IN A WORK OF FICTION, not on the news. But I still think my theory makes total sense.

Anyway. I did one of the videos last night and now I'm afraid to do the other one. My new heart rate monitor watch said I burned 700 calories, which I really doubt is true but you know? I have never sweat so much in my life and today my entire body feels like I spent the night throwing myself down the stairs over and over so maybe it was accurate. There were moments when I actually cried out, "THAT'S NOT POSSIBLE, JILLIAN!" She for realsies tried to kill me. Toward the end, she was all, "now we're going to do mat work" and I was like, "yay, lying on the floor!" but that was the worst part of the whole workout! You guys, SHE IS EVIL. It's because she's so tiny, see, THEORY VALIDATED.

*yeah, I just quoted Fergie SUCK IT

Day One: Insanity sets in

Oh yawn, you guys. Seriously, YAWN. I am about to get super whiny all over the place, so please bear with me. Actually, no, it's probably not that whiny. I'm too tired to be very whiny. OK, that was whiny. Whiny is starting to sound weird because I've said it so many times. Whiny, whiny, whiny. Anyway.

I was so unhealthy yesterday, so very very unhealthy, food-wise, because yesterday was, as I decided to call it, My Last Hurrah. So, of course, I was going to eat as much junk food as possible. I figured, WHY NOT, since today started the healthy-eating/exercising/grocery-going part of my Year Goals. All the junk food was a mistake, however, because it made my tummy all sorts of hurty. Plus, I'm partially blaming all the junk food for not being able to sleep last night. There were other reasons, though. I mean, I hadn't had to get up for work in like twelve days, so I was worried about not getting enough sleep and being all tired today. That's a vicious cycle, yeah? You're lying there in bed, thinking about how you have to be up in [blank] hours, and the more you worry about not getting enough sleep, the harder it is to FALL asleep and before you know it, it's four in the morning and you wonder if you should just get up because you were planning on getting up at five anyway.

Because, YEAH, I got up at five in the morning today. THAT IS SO EARLY. Phoebe was SUPER excited, because I'd gotten up that early to exercise before work and she loves when I exercise in the living room because she thinks I'm a cat jungle gym. Whenever I do pilates or yoga or whatever, she's all climbing over my prone body and getting smacked by flying limbs and mrorwing at me for not petting her because didn't you know? That's what I'm there for. To pet her and pick up her poops and feed her and get her high on kitty pot.

I know the day is only half over, but I'm counting it as a success as far as my goals go. After all, I got up at five, exercised, have eaten nothing but the healthiest of foods so far, and am planning on going to the grocery after work, then cooking a healthy dinner. Win win win! Yeah, it's only been one day, but whatever, I know I can do it because this one time? (at band camp?) I lost a bajillion (read: 50) pounds and I didn't even exercise, I just ate the tiny amounts of food that Weight Watchers claims are REAL SERVINGS because Weight Watchers is evil. It's true. They're totally in cahoots with The Mayor and Ryan the Temp and Sue Sylvester, I SWEAR.

NaNo, Day 4 Update

I didn't have as much time to write today on account of VISITORS at work, which meant I didn't have much time to do any of my work, let alone write, because we had to take our visitor out to lunch. Which was fine. I got some gossip and we wandered around all the other buildings on campus and get this...we totally walked by some old guy SLEEPING IN HIS CUBICLE. Which was funny because we'd just been talking about him at lunch, and how he falls asleep all the time because he's 100 years old but won't retire. He is not the only one in this position, there's someone else, but she doesn't fall asleep in her office. That I know of.

Here is what I don't understand. If you'd been working for a billion years and you made shitloads of money, WHY WOULDN'T YOU RETIRE ALREADY? GET OUT. Especially if you fall asleep at work and don't know how to use your computer. Being awake and using a computer are like the only two things you really need to do at work. Anyway.

Last night, I actually wrote a few hundred more words, even though I'd already reached my daily goal AND THEN SOME. And I finally did finish my words today and HERE ARE THE TOTALS.

Daily Word Count Goal: 1667
Words Written Today: 1744
Total Words So Far: 8830

I made up a new character today. I think I'm falling a little in love with him (platonic love, of course).

And now for something completely different. I really wanted to watch The Biggest Loser last night but I also wanted to exercise because I'm trying to be healthier. I mean, I didn't particularly WANT to exercise, but I knew I needed to. The thing is, I didn't want to not watch The Biggest Loser and do a workout DVD instead, and I knew if I tried to make up my own workout while I watched TV, I'd end up sitting on the floor "stretching" the entire time. So I tried something CRAZY. Apparently I have the Jillian Michaels Shred DVD (Level 1, anyway) completely memorized because I was able to run through the entire thing while I watched Biggest Loser. And I know it worked because my entire body hurts today. True story.

Whenever I do exercises that require me to lie on the floor (and there should be more of these, yes?) Phoebe lies on the floor with me. She flops on her back and looks at me in that upside-down way that is JUST. SO. ADORABLE. and is all, "I'm so glad you decided to lie on the floor with me." And then if I'm doing crunches or swinging my arms or legs around (Pilates), she thinks it's fun to swat at my hands and feet and try and catch them until I get so paranoid that I'm going to accidentally smack or kick her that I scare her away and I feel really bad about it BUT IT'S FOR HER OWN GOOD.

I want you to feel like you're gonna die

Those words are spoken by Jillian Michaels on Level 2 of her 30 Day Shred DVD and OH MY GOD, Jillian, MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.

I think you're supposed to do the video for 30 days straight, but at the pace I'm going, I'll have finished the 30 days in about six months. It's not my fault, though. Stuff keeps happening, like Rockville or the hospital or pizza and cookies, and then the video fucked up my knee so I had to stop for a while. I don't know why I decided to move to Level 2. I still want to die sometimes after Level 1, probably because I skip working out for weeks at a time, so every time I do it (heh, do it) it's essentially like I'm starting all over again.

This is what I did this morning, before guilting myself into the workout:

• drank a shitload of coffee
• watched Chuck vs. Tom Sawyer
• read some Internets
• decided to maybe go running
• checked Weather.com, saw it was only 26 degrees, decided not to go running
  
• played Guitar Hero
• thought, "I should work out...maybe I should eat one of those protein bars Heidi said are in the cupboard."
• couldn't find protein bars
• read some more Internets
• worked out
• died

I'm typing this from beyond the grave. Ooooooooooooooooooo!! I hope my family doesn't mind my zombiefication later at the Christmas celebration, but there will be lots of food and presents so I don't think they'll care much, unless I try to eat someone's brain.