Did you miss me? No? Not even a little? Can you at least lie?

Oh, hiiiiiii, Internet. I just realized I haven't posted, and I mean really posted, in like...weeks. I have no good excuse, except that my talks-a-lot coworker transferred to another department and AS IF that weren't enough of a prize, I also got to take over all of her projects. I'm so lucky. She really wasn't doing much (hence the transfer), but it was enough. Once I added it to all my other duties (heh, duties), it made for very busy days.

Volunteering started again last month, and while it's only every other Tuesday, it sure seems like it takes up more time than that. Mostly, I think, because kids in my age group are actually showing up this year, which means I have to plan activities. Sometimes this is easy, sometimes not so much. Also! Each and every Tuesday that I have volunteering, I worry my way up 75, wishin' and hopin' and thinkin' and prayin' that traffic will be OK and no one will decide to crash in front of me because that's why they do it, you know. So my plans get effed up.

The past couple weekends have been pretty busy with a variety of obligations, although I hesitate to call them obligations because it's all been fun stuff, but it's been time-consuming stuff. For someone who'd rather sit at home in her pajamas with a full season of Veronica Mars and a book to keep her company than have actual human interaction, this can be a tad exhausting. Heh. It's not that I'm anti-social, I just need quiet time sometimes.

Anyway, as far as I know, this week is not supposed to be as busy as past weeks and I'm not promising to blog every day or anything (you're welcome) but I think I can manage to start blogging more than once every two weeks. Once a week, maybe. I don't know if I can do more. I mean, I'm already exhausted PLUS, I'm a farmer now.

One thing I definitely need to do this week is start running again. Or working out in some way. Walking from the sofa to the kitchen OBVIOUSLY doesn't count and OBVIOUSLY doesn't so much work on the "Let's Be Healthy!" front. My steady diet of pizza, fast food, and candy, however, are totally working on the "Jennie doesn't fit into her pants anymore," front. Last night we went to The Melting Pot for Joe's dad's birthday and I'm pretty sure I almost exploded my stomach with melty cheesy goodness. So yes. More running is called for, I think, even though every piece of me HATES IT HATES IT HATES IT. I have no excuse tonight, though. I'm marinating some chicken for a quick and easy dinner. The weather is mild and sunny. My running clothes are sitting in a neat pile on my dresser. And my iPod? Fully charged. Quick, somebody help me think of an excuse. Something good. It might involve zombies, who knows?

On second thought, if the Zombie Apocalypse should happen soon (and let's face it, it's GOING TO HAPPEN), I'd better be able to run more than a mile without wanting to die, especially if we're being attacked by some of those speedy quick zombies.

tell me again about the rabbits, George

I recently started the Couch to 5K program because I hadn't gone running since, um, way before it was even too cold to go running, and I quit the gym a long time ago so I didn't have access to a treadmill EITHER. That's sort of a lie, because Joe's apartment complex has a fitness room and he said SEVERAL TIMES that I could use it whenever I wanted but I'm far too lazy to do that. So I didn't. Anyway, I'm on Week 2 and it's going well, mostly because weeks 1 and 2 don't involve as much running as the rest of the weeks, which is awesome because sometimes running makes me want to die. Not this program, though. This program is my friend. We go to the mall together and then get ice cream. Ha, just kidding, I hate the mall. Shopping gives me hives.

Anyway. I went running yesterday because OH MY GOD, YOU GUYS, the weather was perfect. Sunny and warm and beautiful. It was a little windy but I'll take it. After I finished the program, I decided to keep walking because I wanted to see the ducks at the pond. I love the ducks. They're so cute! Sometimes when they cross the street to the pond, I get worried that they might get hit and I have conversations like this:

[in Heidi's brand new, shiny car]

Me: Look! Ducks!
Heidi: I like them.
Me: Me too.
Heidi: They're taking a long time to cross.
Me: OMG look how fast that guy is driving! He's not slowing down! He's going to hit the ducks! What if he hits the ducks? OK, he stopped. Good. Otherwise I would have to beat up his car.
Heidi: Wow.

And the day before!

Me: Look! Ducks!
Joe: Wow.
Me: I love ducks.
Joe: OK.
Me: Look at that one! He has a mohawk thing!
Joe: ...
Me: You know what I love best? When ducks put their little ducks butts up in the air. I love that.
Joe: Yep.
Me: Look, more ducks!
Joe: Are you retarded?
Me: I don't think so. I just love ducks, is all.

And SCENE.

Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time.

So it turns out that skipping a week of running is NOT, in fact, a good idea. I went running after work yesterday and wanted to die fifteen times. It's true. I counted. And then I thought I actually MIGHT die when I ran into the coyote.

Coyote: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Me: Um.
Coyote: Ahem. Excuse me.
Me: Can you let me pass?
Coyote: No.
Me: Please?
Coyote: Only if you can answer three questions.
Me: Sigh. Fine.
Coyote: What is your name?
Me: Jennie.
Coyote: What is your quest?
Me: Um. To go home and collapse on the floor until my heart rate returns to normal.
Coyote: What is your favorite color?
Me: Blue.
Coyote: Really?
Me: Yes.
Coyote: You're not just saying that? Cause of the movie?
Me: No. I'm not just saying that cause of the movie.
Coyote: OK, fine, go ahead.
Me: Byeeeeeeee!

He was really nice. He didn't try to eat my face once, which was nice.

The other night, I went running IN THE DARK. I got home from volunteering and saw that Heidi had been to the gym and so I shamed myself into running. I'm not going running by myself in the dark anymore. At least not around Halloween. Because . . . see . . . that's when ghosts come out and do stuff. And I don't know for sure, but I think if zombies were going to attack, it would be on Halloween because they could just hang out on someone's porch, pretending to be a Halloween decoration, and then when the owner comes out of the house they'd be all, "AAAAAAAAAAUUUURRRRRGH! I WILL BITE YOU NOW!" only not so articulate. True story. Also, it's dangerous to run at night. There are still piles of branches and crap from the windicane that happened A MONTH AGO and when I ran by a big pile, I didn't see a stick sticking out of the pile and it scratched my leg. It's OK, though. It's just a flesh wound.

Hee! I just had this conversation with one of our field agents in Georgia:

Me: HR, this is Jennie.
Her: Hey, Jennie.
Me: Good morning! How are you?
Her: Oh, god, you sound so Northern.
Me: . . .

I mean . . . I talk to her almost EVERY DAY. Hey, remember when my blog had a point? Yeah, me neither.

PS: I still need help with my Halloween costume idea. Please do my thinking for me, I'd be very appreciative. Here are the stipulations: I don't want to wear a wig, so whatever I dress up as has to have dark brown hair. I don't want to spend a lot of money. I'm lazy, so I don't want to do a lot of sewing or gluing or anything. I will be outside, so I'm not dressing as slutty anything.

they call me 'quiet girl', but I'm a riot, Mary, Jo, Lisa, always the same, THAT'S NOT MY NAME

Dear people (mostly MEN) I work with,

My name is Jennie. Not any of the following:

Amy
Claudia
Little lady
Young'un
Girl
Kid

Thank you.

In other news, I totally got up early this morning and went running. I KNOW. I had to, though. Well, I didn't HAVE to. When the alarm went off, my first thought was, "if I just turn it off, I could sleep for another hour and a half . . . that's a lot of sleep." But I did get up. And I ran. I ran so far away. I just ran. Oh my god, Amy Jennie, shut up. Anyway, the reason I got up and ran this morning instead of running after work is because I, um, DON'T run after work. Instead, I just . . . don't run. Because it's hot. So hot. And also I'm all tired after work and don't feel like moving, let alone running. Wow, this is a good story. I should tell it again, yes?

I totally got up early this morning and went running. I KNOW. I had to, though. Well, I didn't HAVE to. When the alarm went off, my first thought was, "if I just turn it off, I could sleep for another hour and a half . . . that's a lot of sleep." But I did get up. And I ran. I ran so far away. I just ran. Oh my god, Amy Jennie, shut up. Anyway, the reason I got up and ran this morning instead of running after work is because I, um, DON'T run after work. Instead, I just . . . don't run. Because it's hot. So hot. And also I'm all tired after work and don't feel like moving, let alone running.

HAHAHAHAHA. Wow. I think I got too much oxygen this morning or something. Yikes.

So. I had volunteering last night, and there are three different age groups, and I lead the group of the wee, little ones. Which is fine, but some of these wee, little ones tend to have about a ten minute attention span (at best), so that means I'd better bring a lot of activities for them. I was so, so prepared last night. I'd gone to the library to get picture books about dead people (or picture books about GRIEVING, whatever), and I'd come up with this sweet activity BASED on one of the books, and I even ran out on my lunch hour yesterday to pick up extra supplies so it'd be super awesome. And then I got to volunteering early and set everything up in my room so it was all ready when the kids got there.

And then none of the wee, little ones showed up. Bastards. Just kidding. But seriously! I had so much fun stuff, plus M&Ms, because I'm always afraid the kids won't like me, so I bribe them with candy. Sigh.

And now I have deja vu. GREAT. That's going to throw off my whole day.

listenin' too long, to one song

QUESTION: What do you guys listen to when you're running? I think I need some new running music. My most favorite song EVER to run to is Sing Me Spanish Techno. If that helps. With the recommending. PLEASE RECOMMEND SOMETHING. If you don't, I fear that soon I will stop running and fall to my knees on the sidewalk and just cry.

Speaking of music (wow, nice segue, Jennie), I went to a concert this weekend and it rocked my face off. My whole face. Fell off. Onto the floor. And then I picked it up and washed it off, because gross, it fell on the floor at a concert. Anyway, We Are Scientists were the ones responsible for my face falling on the floor. I'd be upset, but it was a really good show.

You know what happened, though? I spilled my beer. I mean, this is not unusual. It happens a lot, actually. But this time, it so wasn't my fault. I was just sitting there, minding my own business, when all the sudden my beer bottle was upside down, trapped between my leg and the wall. And I was all, "What the hell? No one was even touching the table! UNFAIR UNFAIR I WANT MY BEER WAAAAAAAAAH." Then I noticed that all of the bottles kept slowly inching toward me and no one was even touching them, because the music was so loud that the table was vibrating, which was making the bottles move AND IT WAS CRAZY. Like Poltergeist crazy, but not really, because no one got sucked into the TV. Anyway. So that happened. Also, we saw this girl slump over a table and throw up on the floor. Amateur. Also also, Kat, they had PBR in cans.

Also also also, this was written in one of the bathroom stalls:



and I didn't even write it.

I felt a great disturbance in The Force

I have some bad news. Really bad. You should probably sit down. I got to work today at the same time I always do, checked my work email, and then went to see if it was my turn on Scrabulous. And . . . oh god . . . it was GONE. JUST GONE. NO MORE SCRABULOUS. I guess it's because Hasbro hates me and wants me to cry all day long.

You guys, I am a mess and not just because of the Scrabulous loss. I came back from Put-in-Bay with a wicked sunburn, a huge bruise on my knee and no recollection of obtaining it, and a blister on my hand from burning it on the oven. This is why I shouldn't try to cook. People only get hurt, and by people, I mean ME. Also all the people who get food poisoning. Then yesterday, I tried to tune my guitar and a string broke and whipped me on the wrist. It hurt. You may be asking yourself, "why is Jennie tuning a guitar?" or maybe even, "Jennie has a guitar?" and the answers are, "because an out of tune guitar sounds like shit," and, "yes, I do have a guitar." I bought it my senior year of high school because I thought teaching myself to play would be easier than it was. Also because it was blue. It turns out, teaching yourself how to play the guitar is NOT easy. I think I was hoping I would just pick up the guitar and magically know how to play. Like I'd be the Rainman of singer-songwriting. Alas, I am not. So, recently, I got a book to help teach me and yesterday was the first day I actually TRIED to do anything and then a stupid string broke. AND THEN (no and then!) I realized that I haven't changed the strings since I got the guitar. I know that sounds ridiculous, but it wasn't like I was playing it or anything. So. Moral of the story? I need new strings.

After I broke my guitar, I decided to go running and I almost died. I know I say that every time, but a combination of very little sleep this weekend, spending too much time in the sun, the HOT HOT HEAT and HUMID HUMID, um, HUMIDITY, and the fact that I haven't run in weeks meant I seriously for real almost fell on the sidewalk and died. I know this means I need to start running in the morning before work, but waking up that early makes me die, too. This is really a losing situation any way you look at it.

Chah-lie bit me.

I used the lotion I won at the tea party this morning. Now I smell like pink grapefruit. JEALOUS?

Last night, a bug flew in my eye while I was running. IT REALLY HURT. It's since been evicted, but my eyeball still hurts and now I'm worried I have a weird bug-eye disease.

Also, last night, Heidi and I went downtown to scope out some venues for Tamara's bachelorette party. One place serves wine and LOTS OF IT. I really hope we go there. Mostly, because it's within walking distance of a bunch of other bars and junk and bars and junk are really what you want for a bachelorette party. I don't know why we don't go downtown more often. It's not like downtown Dayton can compete with, um, any other cities, but there's stuff to do. FOR INSTANCE, Uno's pizza is down there and while that's not really something to DO, it's something to EAT, and that's almost as good. I don't know what I'm saying, so I'm going to stop now.

So we ate some Uno's pizza last night, which is why we felt compelled to go running, because there are approximately 800 calories in one bite of Uno's pizza. But it's worth it because it's SO GOOD, you guys. You know what, though? There are some freaky ass statues downtown. Like, they're made of bronze or whatever you make statues out of (not chocolate), but they're wearing REAL CLOTHES. They are, and I quote, "creepy as fuck." I just quoted myself. Is that weird?

Tomorrow, I'm dog-sitting for my aunt and uncle FOR OVER A WEEK. Dude, Jennie, lay off the Caps Lock. Anyway, they're going to California or something, and since dog's aren't self-sufficient like cats and babies, they need someone to feed them. So prepare for this blog to explode with crazy for the next week and a half, because I won't be able to spew my verbal diarrhea at Heidi. Wow, that's a disgusting image. I'm sorry.

fuck wank bugger shitting arse head and hole!*

I realize I probably say this every week, but this is the LONGEST. WEEK. EVER. The LONGEST. WEEK. EVER. is similar to WORST. DAY. EVER. Week, in that it lasts forever, but the days aren't as bad. My days haven't been bad at all. I mean, we've had ice cream at work the past two days and we have a luncheon with MASHED POTATOES tomorrow. Any day that includes MASHED POTATOES can't be all bad. I don't know why I keep abusing CAPS LOCK. I'm sorry. I'll stop.

I don't know if you've noticed, but it's summer now. I can tell it's summer because every time I go outside, my face melts off, which feels just as weird as you might imagine. Anyway, since it's hot as balls (what?) outside, I can't run immediately after work anymore. Well, I COULD, but I don't want to because, even though my face is nothing special, I've sort of gotten used to it so I try to avoid the "face melting" thing as much as possible. I don't want to look like that guy from Raiders of the Lost Ark. You know the one I mean. Don't pretend you haven't seen that movie 80 times. Everyone has.

Um. Right. So, I've been going running later in the evening, like around 9. Because it's still not dark yet at 9. But it's dim enough (what?) that the lightening bugs are out. I love lightening bugs. I'm a pretty simple person, really, and if I could just see lightening bugs all day long, I'd probably be in a much better mood than I normally am.

The only bad part about running this late is there are bugs EVERYWHERE. I mean, they're probably EVERYWHERE all day long, but they're worse at night. Last night, I accidentally swallowed one, because I can't run with my mouth closed because if I tried to run with my mouth closed, I wouldn't be able to breathe and then I'd fall over and die.

SIDENOTE: Right now, on the radio, THIS VERY MINUTE, they are playing "Summer Nights," from Grease. I am fighting the urge to jump on my desk and sing. I know all the words to every song in that movie AND I AM NOT ASHAMED. We all had to do something with our childhoods and I spent mine watching the same movies over and over. The end.

I could keep writing, I suppose, but I really have nothing else to tell you, Internets. Clearly. I mean, I just wrote about swallowing a bug. So I'll stop now. YOU'RE WELCOME.

(In completely unrelated news, people can be so fucking stupid. SIGH.)

(In completely awesome news, UNICORN DEER!)

(OK, I'm done)

*thank you, Heather . . . and, of course, Billy Mack