Friday, August 13, 2010

Some days I'm more afraid of zombies than others.

This is one of those days. I'm never sure what sets it off. It could be that I dreamt about zombies last night, but I don't really remember if I dreamt about zombies. I do remember that I was leading Bill Clinton through the first castle you have to beat in Zelda (Super Nintendo version), but I think that has something to do with seeing Scott Pilgrim. No idea why Bill Clinton was there. He does seem like he'd be fun to hang out with, so long as he keeps his hands to himself.

Sometimes zombie thoughts just pop into my head, zombie dreams or not. Not sure why. This morning, I was putting a signed form on the outside door so UPS would drop off my package (heh), and as I stood there, sticking the note to the door, I thought, "It's awfully quiet out here...this is the part of the zombie movie when a zombie would jump out from behind those bushes and bite my face off."

Then I heard a noise and ran back inside.

It's because mornings are so quiet, I think, that my imagination starts to run wild. Also, in a lot of zombie movies, morning is when SHIT GETS REAL. It's morning when Shaun (of the Dead) finds zombies in his backyard. In the new Dawn of the Dead, Anna Faris wakes up and there's a creepy child standing in their hallway, a creepy child who BITES HER HUSBAND'S NECK OFF. And then her husband turns into a zombie right in front of her and tries to eat her and she has to shimmy out the bathroom window and run to her car and luckily her car keys were on the nightstand so she can, you know, drive away but WHO REALLY DOES THAT? Who keeps their car keys in the bedroom? Do you guys? I guess I need to start keeping my car keys on the nightstand but we don't HAVE a window in the bathroom so if I get stuck in there, I'm screwed. There aren't even any good weapons in there.

The mornings when I don't see anyone outside are the worst. Usually, at some point, I'll see or hear a neighbor go out to their car or walk their dog and I think, "OK, there probably wasn't a zombie apocalypse last night." But if I don't see anyone? Then I just don't know. I think, what if all the neighbors are zombies now and they're just hiding in dark places until my brain gets close enough for them to eat it? WHAT THEN? CONSTANT VIGILANCE, that's the only answer.

This morning I didn't see anyone outside the whole time I was getting ready. So I knew that a zombie apocalypse was totally possible. Obviously. LOGIC. I was kind of terrified to go out to my car, now that it's in the garage. For a long time, our garage was full of random crap so there was no room for my car, but NO MORE. I had to walk down a long, creepy hallway to another hallway to the dark garage and as I reached through the door to hit the "open garage door" button so the light would come on, I imagined one of those rage zombies from 28 Days Later sprinting out from a dark corner and BITING MY HAND OFF and I'm not kidding, you guys, I might have whimpered a little.

It's seriously exhausting being in my head sometimes. Especially on zombie days.

1 comment:

You can call me, 'Sir' said...

You clearly need to start keeping weapons in the bathroom.