Everyone has a purpose. Maybe this is mine.

When I got home from work today, I noticed there was a piece of paper hanging by our front door, in that little clip thing that the apartment complex uses to give us important information. Also, Chinese restaurants leave menus there. But mostly the apartment complex uses it. These notices always make me wary, because it's usually something like, "Maintenance will be coming in to change the filters on your heating unit [heh, unit], so please remove anything from that area." I don't know why it tells us to remove everything from in front of the heating unit because WE'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO KEEP ANYTHING THERE ANYWAY but they must know people keep shit there because where else would they put it? THERE ARE NO STORAGE UNITS ANYWHERE. Ahem. I hate notices like that because I don't like strange people to be wandering around our apartment when we're not home (when we ARE home, that's fine) but also because Heidi and I are totally those people who store as much stuff as possible in front of the heating unit because where else would we put it? THERE ARE NO STORAGE UNITS ANYWHERE.

Anyway, most of these notices are for things we can ignore because it's something absolutely thrilling, like there's going to be a complex-wide yard sale (that no one participates in) or that we need to stop letting our dogs poop on the golf course (duh) but it's never anything like, "congratulations, you've won a raffle you didn't enter and it means you don't have to pay rent anymore!" Jerks.

BUT. Today's notice was beautiful. I now present it to you, in its entirety:

Dear Residents of Buildings 1, 2, 3, 4*:

Behind the garage bays of your buildings we have been finding piles of vomit on a consistent basis. It has also been brought to our attention by fellow residents that these piles have also been found in their personal yard areas. At first we thought this might be from an animal however the piles are found daily and on top of bushes making it impossible for an animal to be the culprit. We please ask that this stop immediately.

Thank you for your attention to this matter

-Your Staff

So. A couple things. First of all, they should hire me to edit their notices. SECOND OF ALL, someone is vomiting outside on a regular basis. They're doing it often enough that they felt the need to send everyone a written notice. Who is doing this? Who is the Univomer? What do they want? I really think we need to understand his or her motives before we can even begin to think about catching this person. (I realize that no one has asked me to capture this person, but I've been watching a lot of Dexter and Bones, so I feel like NOT ONLY could I totally solve a crime, but I have a growing NEED to solve a crime AND YES I realize that vomiting in someone's yard is more of a nuisance than a crime but shut up.) Also. How do they know it's someone from Buildings 1, 2, 3, or 4*? That's discrimination (right?) and I won't stand for it! It's unfair to assume that it couldn't be someone from a rival building phantom puking in our area.

Maybe someone has a drinking problem they don't want their spouse to know about, so they do their hangover vomiting out the window or on the way to their car or something. Maybe one of the golfers got sick (literally! heh) of people letting their dogs poo on the golf course. Maybe a homeless person is living in the shed next to the mailboxes and OBVIOUSLY he doesn't want to puke in there, because that would smell up his hidy-hole. I don't know. But I want to know. I might have to start getting up early and running so I have an excuse to patrol the area. That is the sacrifice I'm willing to make. YOU'RE WELCOME, RESIDENTS OF BUILDINGS 1, 2, 3, AND 4*.

*obviously, those are not the real building numbers