I'm just like Ferdinand Magellan, only I'm not a dude and I don't speak Spanish

I went exploring again at lunch today and discovered that NOT ONLY am I a ten minute drive from Ikea, but I'm a LESS THAN ten minute drive from Jungle Jim's.

Oh, you don't know what Jungle Jim's is? I'm sorry. Your life, up until now, has been sad and tragic but DON'T WORRY because I am about to BLOW YOUR MIND. Sit down.

Jungle Jim's, claims the website, is six acres under one roof*. And I believe them. I went in to use the ATM and decided to wander around a bit and I thought I might never make my way out. I looked at all of the cheeses, including The Big Cheese, and I wondered whether it would be weird to eat a hunk of cheese for lunch. I did a double-take as I walked past a bear dressed as Elvis and booked it because I still haven't gotten over my fear of the Chuck-E-Cheese monsters characters. (See THIS to be even more frightened.)

The one thing I COULDN'T just walk away from was the bathroom. I know it sounds ridiculous, but if you ever go to Jungle Jim's, make sure you have to pee. Or poo. You can poo in there, too. The bathroom is for onesies or twosies, I always say. Actually that's the first time I've ever said that. The bathroom is for onesies and twosies, I always say. OK, now I've said it twice so it's officially "something I say." Anyway.

Here's the big secret about the bathroom. They look like porta-potties, but inside is all fancy. See? There, now you don't have to go all the way to Ohio to see the bathrooms at Jungle Jim's. Although, you totally should go to Ohio. At least this part of Ohio. We have Jungle Jim's, Ikea, AND Giant Jesus. What else do you need?

Plus, the alcohol section is like . . . bigger than a regular grocery store. It is magical. I didn't even venture into it today because I was afraid I wouldn't make it back to work. True story.

Oh, and outside Jungle Jim's is a lagoon thing with fake jungle animals in it. Take a looksie:



You totally want to go now, don't you? Well, let's go. Then we can take a drive down to Kentucky and go to Dinosaur World.

*they also claim to have the largest cheese selection in the US, so . . . YUM