Tuesday, April 21, 2009

after the war

Now that I've started my new job, my commute is much longer AND I have to take the highway (past Giant Jesus . . . twice a day). Plus also, Heidi and I are moving in a couple weeks, adding more time onto my commute, but I've decided not to think of that until May. You know, when we move. Yesterday, after merging onto 75 and almost being run off the road by some douche in a Mustang trying to get in front of just ONE. MORE. CAR., in my rage I actually had the thought, "YOU ASSHOLE, I HOPE YOU DIE!" And that's when I realized I needed to get my road rage under control.

My first step is to make sure I have coffee for the drive. This actually has less to do with road rage and more to do with not wanting to fall asleep while I'm driving. Plus, did you know they sell Dunkin Donuts coffee at the grocery so you can buy it and bring it home and cuddle with it and also make it in a coffeemaker and take it to work with you? Because they do. YOU'RE WELCOME. Anyway, so I make sure I have coffee and I've either eaten something or I have enough time to run through Panera and get a blueberry muffin (YUM) or, at the very least, I have food in my bag that I can eat on the way. Because breakfast is important, even if you're eating it at 80 mph.

My next step is to make sure I have soothing music with me. Today I listened to Stars. This solves two problems. Playing a CD means I'm not fiddling with the radio (heh, fiddling, I DON'T KNOW) which leaves a free hand for twirling my hair. This is important. I've been twirling my hair since my hair was long enough to twirl and I've given up trying to stop and do you want to know why? Because my hair is really soft. That's it. Also, twirling my hair makes me calm. I don't know why, but I'd imagine it has something to do with the fact that I ALSO get really relaxed and sleepy if someone plays with my hair. I've almost fallen asleep in the hairdresser's chair before. True story. Twirling my hair must do the same thing, only not as drastically, which is good because I don't really fancy falling asleep while driving.

My third and final step is to repeat my mantra. I wish I could tell you it was something I'd thought a lot about and decided to use because it would be the most effective way of keeping myself calm, or that I'd stolen it from someone smarter much than myself and it was all beautiful and deep, but really it's just what ends up popping into my head whenever something I don't like presents itself. This is why, when someone cuts me off and I feel the rage monster threatening to leap out of my chest so it can KILL KILL KILL, I just say, "oh, fuck it." Because, you know what? . . . fuck it! Does it really matter that someone else is driving like a jackhole? No. Is it going to delay me at all? Probably not, unless I chase them down and beat them to death with their own shoe. So fuck it. I'll get to work when I get to work and until then, thank god I have some good music to get me there.


heather! anne! said...

That is a long mantra!

Last time I got my hair cut way short because it was cold and rainy outside, but warm and dry inside, and the woman was playing with my hair. So I was like, "Just another inch. Maybe just one more."

Jennie! said...

Well, mostly I just say, "fuck it," and leave it at that. Hee.

mysterygirl! said...

Soft hair? You and Ashley have a lot in common.

Also, I hope you do actually cuddle with your coffee beans before you make coffee. It keeps them from feeling used.

And my driving rage manifests in hoping that their car flips over the median and bursts into flames, so I think you can rest easy in the knowledge that I am more psycho than you.

Ashley said...

I think that I wrote this post and then transmitted it to you via telekinesis, because I twist my hair and fiddle with the dials and eat and play with CDs while driving. Except, if I wrote this post I would have called him "Touchdown Jesus."

Stephanie said...

I thought, since I scanned ahead, that your mantra was the KILL KILL KILL part. And I just kept thinking, That's a horrible mantra. But your mantra turned out to be very good.