Crazy Cat Lady talks to her cat

The other night, I got a text from Heidi. I opened it to see a picture of Phoebe sitting on Heidi's bed. In front of her was a huge pile of puke sitting smack dab in the middle of Heidi's new Wittenberg blanket. Heidi's text said: Can I throw her out the window? and I answered: Yes, of course. Because it was a GIANT pile of barf. I'd post the picture, but it's really gross. I made Joe look at it and he was all, "why would you show that to me?" and I was like, "why WOULDN'T I show that to you?" Anyway, the best part of the picture is Phoebe sitting behind the puke all, " . . . did I do that?"

So now Phoebe is banned from Heidi's room and GUESS WHAT? She is not a fan of that decision, but it doesn't matter because she licks her own butt and you know what? We make a point never to listen to someone who licks her own butt.

The biggest problem is that Phoebe hates it when doors are closed. She's very particular about it. And by particular, of course I mean ANNOYING AS HELL. If my bedroom door is closed and she's outside, she'll scratch and scratch and meow and meow until I'm finally like OK FINE and I open the door, let her in, and close the door again. Five minutes later (if that), she is scratching on the door again to be let back out of my room. WHAT THE HELL, CAT? She also does this to us when we have our bathroom doors closed. I don't know why she wants into the bathroom when I'm in there. If I let her in with me and close the door, she acts like I'm locking her in there because I'm going to drown her in the bathtub or something. Which I would NEVER do. It sounds too messy.

This morning, I was getting ready and I heard Phoebe in the hallway scratching and meowing and just generally being annoying. I opened my door, thinking she was scratching to get in, and saw she was instead scratching at Heidi's door. Then I had this conversation with her:

Me: Phoebe!
Phoebe: Meow!
Me: Phoebe . . . come here.
Phoebe: I want to go in there.
Me: You can't. The door is closed.
Phoebe: What's a door? I want in there. Meow.
Me: Come in here. I will pet you.
Phoebe: Why won't The Other One let me in there?
Me: Because you puked on her stuff.
Phoebe: You guys don't like that?
Me: No. No, we don't.
Phoebe: It was a gift.
Me: It sucked. Come in here. I will pet you.
Phoebe: Meow!

And then I let her into my room, closed the door, and tried not to throw her out the window when she immediately started scratching to get out again.

fake it til you make it

I had to take a math test this morning. And then I got a flu shot. BEST. DAY. EVER. There was also an aptitude test (not attitude, unfortunately) and that part was fine. "What letter comes next in this sequence?" they asked. "Q!" I shouted. The test administrator asked me not to shout during the testing process. Then during the math portion, he asked me to stop crying and throwing things.

I was in all the smart math classes in school, but I never really understood what I was doing. I have a good memory so I'd memorize how all the homework problems were done, and then I'd skate through the tests with my sweet memorization skills. But I had no idea WHY you multiplied the square root of your butt by X. It's sort of like when you teach a little kid to swear. Sure, they can pronounce the words correctly but they don't know what they're doing. And unless you show them how, they'll never know how to combine those swear words for maximum hilarity (see: poohead buttshits).

Last night, I missed watching James Bond (in Blu Ray, which is apparently better than HD, but I wouldn't know, wah wah) because I needed to go over the test math problems they'd provided. These are the text messages I sent as I tried to work the problems:

I can't do math and I'm getting frustrated! (this was to Joe, who edits math textbooks, and who came over to help me when I threatened to cry)

I HAVE TO TAKE A MATH TEST TOMORROW AND I CAN'T REMEMBER ALGEBRA.

Math is a fuckstick.

And as I sat there with my head in my hands, trying to set the fake test on fire with my eyes, I was reminded of all those weeknights my dad would sit with me and help me with my math homework. I'd get frustrated then, too. I get frustrated with anything I can't do perfectly right away THEREFORE I get frustrated a lot. Here is how most of those evenings would go:

Me: UUUGGHHHH! THIS IS STUPID.
Dad: What's wrong?
Me: I can't do this problem!
Dad: Let me show you how to do it.
Me: I don't need help!
Dad: Jennie . . .
Me: Fine.
Dad: See, you do this and this and blah blah blah the answer is 6.
Me: I don't get it AND I'M NEVER GOING TO USE THIS.
Dad: Yes, you will.
Me: Math sucks.
Dad: I know.
Me: Waaaaaaaaaah.
Dad: Try this one.
Me: OK.
Dad: There, see, you did it.

And then I'd try another one and start crying when I couldn't figure it out. I felt confident that I'd never, ever need algebra again and I would yell and yell about that instead of actually doing the problem, while my dad would explain that YES, YES I WOULD NEED ALGEBRA STOP BEING SUCH A WHINY BRAT. It turns out we were both right (about the math part, only my dad was right about the whiny brat part). I haven't really needed math since college. Until now, when I needed it this morning AND IT WASN'T THERE. Plus, they wouldn't let me use a calculator. What kind of fucked up shit is that?

don't drink the hateorade

I complain a lot. Ask anyone. ANYONE. These are the things I've been complaining about lately, but in an effort to make myself a better person, I'm going to complain about them AND THEN say something good about them. Look at that. I'm growing.

1. Cold weather

Earlier this week, I started complaining about snow and it hasn't even gotten cold enough to snow yet. Also, the cold weather makes it harder to go running because it makes my throat hurt (waaaaaaaaah) and I have to wear a jacket. I HATE WEARING A JACKET. The good thing about cold weather, though, is that I no longer sweat like a pig while running and also it was cold enough last weekend to build a fire and roast marshmallows. Win win win.

2. the election

I've known who I was going to vote for since February 2007. And since I know who I'm going to vote for and am sick of hearing about the election and am double sick of seeing Palin's stupid face everywhere, can't they just move the voting to today? Or even tomorrow. I'm flexible. The good thing about the election is . . . um, it's almost over. Also, I could go vote early if I wasn't so lazy and if I didn't heart voting on election day so hard.

3. Atonement (sorry, Ashley)

I finished the book the other day, and I only did it out of pure spite, because I guessed the ending after beginning Part Two, and I didn't like any of the characters, and Briony was stupid and annoying, and it moved SO SLOWLY and I don't really like war books anyway (except for The Things They Carried). But. I plan on seeing the movie, because I've heard rumors that James McAvoy is super dreamy in it.

4. NBC

We still don't have it. Instead we have HBO Family, which has been running the same five movies over and over. We have Batman Returns (good), E.T. (good), some movie about kid entrepreneurs (didn't watch it, but it looked really cheesy), some movie about kids stuck in an airport (didn't watch it, but it had Lewis Black in it so it couldn't have been good), and The Astronaut Farmer, which I can't watch because Billy Bob Thornton ruined David Duchovny's marriage. This not having NBC is not good, no matter what way I look at it, because you know why? The version of E.T. they're showing is the new one. And in the new version, they took out the part where Elliot calls his brother, "penis breath." Enough said.

5. money

As in, I have none. The good thing about this is, it forced me to reevaluate my budget (ha, what budget).

6. Thanksgiving

First of all, nothing can top the Thanksgiving Miracle of last year, but this year Thanksgiving is with my mom's side of the family which is the side of the family full of DRAMA AND CRAZY. Because of this, Thanksgiving will just be me, my parents, and sister, and that sounds practically perfect to me. I might even bring more than the rolls this year.

7. Christmas

See above: crazy family. They have rescheduled both Thanksgiving and Christmas, and even though I can't make it to faux-Thanksgiving, it doesn't matter because they only reschedule major holidays for my army-bound cousin, anyway. Oh, do I sound bitter? It's because I am. Anyway, the good thing about Christmas is I LOVE BUYING PRESENTS FOR PEOPLE. The no money thing makes this a challenge, but despite my laziness, I actually enjoy a challenge.

8. Puppies

Ha! Just kidding. No one complains about puppies unless they pee or poop somewhere they're not supposed to, and even then, it's half-hearted complaining because LOOK AT HOW CUTE THE PUPPY IS.

And now I want a puppy.

The Big Brain am winning again! I am the greetest!

You guys, sometimes I am for realsies a bitch FOR NO RAISIN. It just happens. I like to think the people I'm a bitch to bring it on themselves, which was totally true yesterday when I made that old man flip me off.

See, there's this intersection near our apartment. And going one direction, the right lane quickly ends as soon as you drive THROUGH the intersection. People know this. But. Instead of being polite and getting in the left lane, which is almost always much longer BECAUSE EVERYONE KNOWS THE RIGHT LANE ENDS, there are those who bypass the politeness system and get in the right lane, so they can speed around everyone in the left lane before we get through the intersection. Whenever I can, I make sure not to let these people in front of me because they are assholes. And I can't let assholes in front of me because then I'd be staring at an asshole for the rest of the drive to work and who wants to do that?

Yesterday I was sitting in the left lane, waiting for the light to turn green and fuming at the line of cars appearing in the right lane. There was an old man in an old man car next to me and right then and there I was all, "He's not getting in front of me! He's old! He'll drive slow and I'll be late!" So the light turned green. I stepped on the accelerator and so did the old man. He was right next to me and I knew he wanted over but I didn't let him. And then he had to get behind me or, you know, drive off of the road, which I believe, I BELIEVE, is something most people try to avoid. And then I said, "HAHAHA! TAKE THAT, OLD MAN!" and then he said, "HONK HONK HONK HOOOOOOONK!" and I said, "Hon't you blow your horn at me, you old fart! You did this to yourself!" and then HE said, "HONK HONK HONK HOOOOOOOONK!" and that's when I flipped him off and then that's when he flipped me off and YES I flipped off an old man but he totally deserved it the end.