Happy Nudie Magazine Day Harry Potter Day!

I got a text message first thing this morning from my sister, brimming with excitement for the Harry Potter premiere tonight because A) it's her first midnight showing and B) it's Harry Potter, duh. Just for shits and giggles, I decided to go through my blog(s) to see what I'd written about Harry Potter in the past. Here are some of my favorite posts, which I understand might be really boring for you to read, but it's not like I'm MAKING you read them, so stop complaining already. IT'S HARRY POTTER DAY.

These three are my DOUBLE PLUS favorites:

1. Harry Potter vs. Twilight
2. Harry Potter with my sister
3. How I (kinda) stole my (own, paid-for) copy of Deathly Hallows 

and these are just weird, but still HP related:

1. the one where I talk about my patronus
2. the one where I eff up my tires (this is only slightly related) 
3. the one where I wear hogwarts colors
4. the one where I (sort of) review DHP1
5. oh, the places we'll go!
6. hogwarts, a history
7. worrying about Harry's safety
8. remember right before the last book came out, how worried we all were about being spoiled? good times

You know what, though? You should read these, by Heather Anne, instead. She talks about Harry Potter better than anyone has talked about Harry Potter in the history of the world.

1. I'm worth twelve of you, Malfoy
2. Neville!
3. Fictional Playlists: Neville Longbottom

(The best part of compiling these lists was that I got to go through Collective Archives, which is a place more magical to me than Hogwarts.)

Do you like scary movies?

Did I tell you guys about the awesome people who made our wedding cupcakes? I feel like I might have mentioned them, but I'm not sure I talked about how, after we met with them for the initial cupcake tasting, Joe and I left with a total Couples Crush on them. I mean, they came up with THIS. Look at that and tell me YOU don't have a crush on them.

Anyway. They invited us over to their house this past weekend so we could watch movies. IN THEIR BACKYARD. It was great, aside from the bug bites, of which I now have A GAJILLION even though I was wearing bug spray, but apparently applying bug spray was just like the bug equivalent of marinating myself so I was even tastier or something.

Whatever, my point is, I've watched a lot of movies lately, so here are the movies and BONUS also my thoughts about them. I put them in order of how much I enjoyed them:

1. Dinner for Schmucks

Wow, this was pretty terrible, yeah? There were so many funny people in it, including my boyfriend Paul Rudd, so even though I'd heard it was bad, I was expecting it to be at least a little bit good. So, right, this movie is called Dinner for Schmucks, yeah? Well, the dinner isn't until, like, the very end and I think it lasts about fifteen minutes but it feels like eternity, so maybe that's what they were going for? I don't know.

Bright spots: Jemaine Clement, obviously. Chris O'Dowd as the blind swordsman. Paul Rudd wears a suit a lot. This exchange:

Marco the Blind Swordsman: I love to paint.
Davenport: Oh wow, are you any good?
Marco the Blind Swordsman: I don't know.

2. Greenberg

Ugh. You guys. UGH. When this movie, which mostly consisted of Ben Stiller's character trying to win first place in the WORLD'S BIGGEST SELFISH ASSHOLE contest (the prize is a swift kick to the balls), was over, I treated Joe with a ten minute diatribe on how tired I am of all these man-baby movies and, what? Was I supposed to feel sorry for Greenberg? I'm not really sure. I spent most of the movie worried that he was going to accidentally kill the dog because the dog almost accidentally died in his care because he's a stupid, whiny, selfish asshole, which I know I already said but YOU GUYS HE WAS SUCH AN ASSHOLE.

Bright spots: The dog was really cute. Um...

3. Morning Glory

Rachel McAdams is working HARD here, you guys. The movie is pretty bad, but she's so adorable that I didn't even mind.

Bright spots: Rachel McAdams. 


4. There Will Be Blood

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ...oh, I'm sorry, I fell asleep just thinking about this movie.

Bright spots: Daniel Day Lewis is fascinating. I enjoy watching him do whatever, even if it's beating someone's head in with a bowling pin (oops, spoilers).

5. Cedar Rapids

Cute, if a bit forgettable. I only watched it a week ago but can't remember much about it. Ed Helms is almost stuck in the same man-baby category as Ben Stiller's Greenberg, but he's sweet and he means well, so he's charming instead of insufferable.

Bright spots: Ed Helms. Maeby Funke as a hooker.

6. Black Swan

This was really good but, much like every other Darren Aronofsky movie I've ever seen, I'll probably never watch it again. Also, I couldn't help but compare it to Center Stage the entire time, which I'm sure Joe enjoyed immensely.

Bright spots: Crazy costumes! Dancing! A skeevy Frenchman!

7. Horrible Bosses

This was not a good movie, really, but I still enjoyed it. The three leads are so fun to watch, and I could watch Charlie Day rage-scream all day long. Still, I thought it would be a lot funnier than it was. I only LOLed a few times.

Bright spots: The cast was pretty spot-on. Charlie Day. There's a character named Motherfucker Jones, which I cannot stop saying.

8. Scream

Joe had never seen this, so I made him watch it. Scream came out when I was in high school and I've seen it at least 900 times NO JOKE OK maybe a little joke. It's kind of hilarious to watch now because they keep talking about "cellular phones" and how it's weird for a HS kid to have one.

Bright spots: I unironically love this movie so ALL OF IT. Plus, Joe now keeps walking around saying, "DO YOU LIKE SCARY MOVIES?" and it makes me giggle every time.

9. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang

I'd never seen this, so Joe made me watch it. Except, he didn't really MAKE me watch it because HELLO, Robert Downey Jr. is in it, so of course I'm going to watch it. I recently pointed out that I will watch anything RDJ is in, which is why I've seen both Due Date and Only You. Anyway. THIS MOVIE IS DELIGHTFUL. I need to own it so I can watch it whenever I need a RDJ fix because he is at his Robert Downey Jr.-est in this movie.

Bright spots: RDJ, obviously. Val Kilmer sometimes annoys me, but he's pretty great in this.

10. Midnight in Paris

If I could jump into movies, I would jump straight into this one. I want to full on make out with this movie, then buy it some ice cream, and then some beer, and maybe also a pony. As soon as it was over, I wanted to watch it again, which is pretty much the highest praise I can give a movie.

Bright spots: YOU GUYS SERIOUSLY ALL OF IT, GO SEE THIS RIGHT NOW

We also watched some really shitty Netflix Instant movies, such as The Hole (for shits) and American Psycho 2 (for giggles) and they were both very terrible in different ways.

I keep wishing there was something like Goodreads, but for movies. Does such a thing exist? Or is this a thing I can invent and then subsequently make like a billion dollars? Please let me know ASAP.

The next movie on the agenda is Harry Potter, Deathly Hallows 2.

:( :( :( :( ALL OF THE SAD FACES EVER, BASICALLY

The birds, the bees and the monkey babies, Mulder.

You guys, I think Max might have PTSD. See, he's terrified of thunderstorms, right? I feel like this is well-documented...on this blog. But anyway. We didn't have him last year during the July 4th festivities but we assumed that he'd be afraid of fireworks since they make even bigger BOOM FUN noises than thunderstorms.

We discovered that, yes, he is just as terrified of firecracker booms as thunder booms when we were out walking one night (Independence Day Eve Eve or something) and someone set off some amateur fireworks because of course they did. Max stopped for a moment, looked at us in abject terror, and then took off as fast as his little legs could carry him. But he was mostly fine after a bit because they had been far away so they were just little booms.

We decided to walk him around before ten on July 4th, because the real fireworks started at ten and we knew we would never get him outside at that time. We thought we were safe. We were wrong. Because some jackhole in the block of condos next to us set off a huge, esplodey firework just as we had Max to that point. Oh my god, you guys, I thought he was going to reach light speed, such was his haste to get back inside. We couldn't even get him to pee, which was a problem, because we have him on a very strict pee and poo schedule. We talk about Max's poop (or lack thereof) at least five times a day. It's weird. Such is the joy of pet ownership. Anyway.

I tried to take him on another walk that night, after the fireworks were over, but he would barely come out the front door. He went out long enough to pee and then he raced back inside like there were bombs falling outside, which I guess maybe he thought there were? I felt so bad, though! He looked so sad and pathetic so I just gave him extra treats and cuddles.

I thought that would be the end of it, but every night we walk him around nine o'clock, which is the same time he almost got blown up in a firecracker. We try to take him on the usual path, and it happens to be the same path we took him on the night of July 4th. I thought this would be no problem. I mean, dogs don't really have long memories, right? But he won't even go that way! He will during the day, he's fine, but he refuses to walk that way at night. Do you think he thinks there will be another FIRECRACKER BOOM EXPLOSION? But yeah, that's how he got PTSD.

This is (very) slightly related, but I'm trying to convince Joe that we need to get a pet pig. He was all, "we can get a pet pig after we have a baby," but I think he's just saying that because he hopes that if I have a cute baby, I won't want a cute pig but that's not true at all because I'll probably just want a cute pig even MORE because a pig (probably) won't pee and poop on me, PLUS BONUS it will make adorable oinking noises AND will have a curly tail. If I get a baby with a tail, I'm gonna be pissed.

But my point is (I guess) that it should go: Dog, Pig, Baby. Like, obviously, you get a dog before you have a baby because you have to make sure you can keep another living thing (besides yourself) alive. But I think you should get a pig between the dog and the baby because a pig is a pet like a dog but it's pink and hairless like a baby so it's the perfect transition between a dog and baby. I mean, it's practically a baby. It's a practice baby! Anyway, I think Joe's just worried that if I get a pig, why would I want a baby? Actually, that's a really valid point.

Whatever. Did you know you can adopt pigs from Petfinder? Don't tell Joe.

My own personal Avengers

Sometimes I feel like I spent most of my day wishing I was best friends with some fictional person or another. I spend the rest of the day wondering which fictional characters I would want on my side in a fight. Not just a fight fight, like with general fisticuffs and whatnot, but a fight with an alien or a vampire or GOD FORBID a battle with a rising zombie army. I mean, sure, I would love to hang out with Bridget Jones or Jo March but I don't think either one of them is going to be that great at helping me kill a werewolf. I think Jo would be game and would probably put a lot of effort into it, but I'm not sure that, between the two of us (Bridget, obviously, would be cowering under a table somewhere, clutching a bottle of vodka), we'd be able to overpower and defeat a werewolf. Maybe a regular wolf, a wereless wolf, but a werewolf? We'd get out throats ripped out.

That's why I've been gathering fictional fighters for my own personal protection squad. These are not necessarily people I'd want to hang out with in my spare time (ahemBUFFY), although I would LOVE to hang out with some of them in, like, all of my spare time (ahemTHE DOCTOR) but ANYWAY, my point is, I think all of them would be able to protect me from zombies, and really, isn't that all you want out of your friends bodyguards? Yes. Besides, despite even my most logical arguments, Joe won't let me get a gun so I can protect us during the inevitable zombie apocalypse that is probably going to happen any second now, so this personal protection squad is totally necessary until Joe caves.

Starbuck 

Pros: Is a badass, knows how to use a lot of different weapons, can come back from the dead (or something)

Cons: Is drunk all the time

Hermione Granger   

Pros: Knows all the magic, cool under pressure

Cons: Is usually pretty busy saving Ron and Harry

Buffy Summers 

Pros: Can protect against vampires and other demony things

Cons: So whiny

Ellen Ripley 

Pros: Will come in handy if the scariest aliens ever attack Earth

Cons: Is dead, I think? I can't remember what happened in the last movie(s).

Batman 

Pros: Has lots of gadgets, cool car, own sidekick, is a self-made superhero TAKE THAT SUPERMAN

Cons: Has that weird, growly voice thing going on right now

Fox Mulder 

Pros: Has seen a lot of crazy shit, knows about paranormally things, I would probably get to hang out with Scully, too

Cons: Drops his gun all the time, has tendency to die a lot

The Doctor  

Pros: has a sonic screwdriver, comes with a variety of companions PLUS sexy TARDIS, can regenerate if necessary
Cons: NONE

DEAR SELF, STOP NOT-BLOGGING ALL THE DAMN TIME

Oh hi! So I see I forgot to blog again for a bajillion years. Oopsies. It's just that I feel like I shouldn't be blogging about nothing which is stupid because THAT'S ALL THIS BLOG IS, also sometimes I feel like all I do is complain but I don't want to complain all the time which is a problem because these are the only things I can think to blog about:

1. Job Searching = SOUL CRUSHING, which, no, actually it hasn't been all that bad but I think I'm only saying that because I'm not job searching right now. If I had been job searching in the last five minutes, I probably wouldn't be able to write this because I would have ripped my eyeballs out, is all I'm saying.

2. IT'S SO DAMN HOT. How hot is it? SO DAMN HOT, I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION.

3. I'm siiiiiiiiiick. The jury is still out on whether I have/had strep throat but the doctor gave me yummy antibiotics anyway and they only cost $5! That's $25 less than what my old birth control used to cost me A MONTH! I don't think there's any correlation there* but that was my first thought.

Um, OK, so that's it. What else have I been doing, you might ask if you're polite. Well. I can tell you that I've watched a lot of TV. We finished Battlestar Galactica, which I enjoyed but didn't Lost-love. Or Doctor-Who-love. Anyway. I was slightly underwhelmed by the finale but that may have had something to do with the fact that I felt like complete and utter ass when we watched it. Also, I have this theory about watching shows all at once on Netflix or DVD or whatever versus watching them live as the show airs. There's something special about having to wait an entire summer to find out what happens to all of your BFFs favorite TV characters that just cannot be recaptured by watching a show on DVD.

I've also been watching a shitload of Friday Night Lights because did you know that show is awesome? Pajiba pretty much fellates this show ON THE REGULAR but I'd never watched it because...I can't remember why now. Maybe because I don't like football? I don't know. I blame Dawson. I'm almost done with the first season and I cannot stop watching it. Like, I will lose hours to this show, which is awesome because there are a lot of hours in the day when you don't have a job, did you know that?

Unfortunately, I haven't had a TON of time to watch it because I've been keeping myself pretty busy with various errands, volunteering, cleaning, and WRITING. That's right, I said WRITING. I'm in this secret society writing group that's KIND OF a big deal. If anyone is still interested, let me know. I think we'll welcome pretty much anyone who isn't a big meanie poophead.

*Although when I told my mom I was going to the doctor because I'd had a sore throat and a fever for a few days, her first words were, "you don't think there's a chance you're pregnant, right?" WHAT.

Auntie Em, Auntie Em!

Sometimes when I haven't written here in a while, I feel like I can't write until something BIG happens because what's the point of me writing another, "I did nothing all day today other than watch a full season of Party Down" post because YOU GUYS I'm unemployed (sort of) so that is pretty much what I'd be writing.

That said, I'm writing today because I was in a tornado on Wednesday. I know. I KNOW. I actually didn't know it was a tornado until we saw it on the news last night. We just thought it was a really, really bad (hail) storm, and as it was, it was a category 0 tornado so it was just a not-so-bad tornado (although my aunt insists that there's no such thing as a not-so-bad tornado).

Anyway, so we had just settled down to watch Battlestar Galactica (ASHLEY!) while we ate dinner (SPAGHETTI!) when I looked outside to see it was getting super windy and dark and, well, just very end-of-the-worldish. We turned on the news to see we were under a tornado warning and everyone in our area was being advised to take shelter. Normally I scoff at these warnings (scoff, I tell you!) because tornado warnings around here ('cept for Xenia) usually end up being nothing. My dad and I, when I lived at home, would run to the back porch to watch the storms whenever we were under a tornado warning, until my mom would yell at us to get our stupid asses back in the basement.

But I took one look outside on Wednesday to see the wind whipping the trees back and forth (I WHIP MY TREES BACK AND FORTH!) and was all, "um, maybe we should, like, not be sitting next to this giant window."



So we dragged a very freaked out Max to one of the innermost points of the condo, which happens to be Joe's closet. I was really worried about Phoebe because I had no idea where she was, but I figured she was OK since she's got all that cat-instinct and was probably hiding somewhere safe. We sat in the closet and called our parents and then just listened to the storm blow around us. At one point, Joe was like, "My parents were in a tornado once. They said it sounded like a train going by overhead," and I was all, "You mean, like it sounds right now?" and he was like, "Yeah, pretty much." But eventually the wind died down and we went to look out the window. There was hail EVERYWHERE.





And it was huge:



Once the storm was over, we decided to walk Max because there was another storm on the way. There were trees down all over and the street was flooded. I walked around a bit more yesterday and they had boarded up a bunch of windows that had been busted in the storm tornado.



I cannot stress enough that, for a tornado, this was the weakest possible, and there was minimal damage for a tornado coming through. Sure, there were trees uprooted and windows busted and a chimney destroyed, but no one was hurt and everyone still has a place to live, so I'm not trying to be all dramatic where there is no drama, but HOLY SHIT YOU GUYS A TORNADO. So scary. I'm so glad I didn't know it was a tornado when it was happening because I would have done one of two things:

1. Pooped myself and passed out.
2. Stood outside with my fingers crossed, hoping to be carried away to The Emerald City.

But you guys, the poor trees. :(




And I don't know, but I think someone might be trying to smite Ohio because the new Dinosaur Park (DINOSAURS ALIVE!) at Kings Island caught on fire the other day. Is this because I got so much enjoyment from Giant Jesus burning down? If so, I'M SORRY BUT LEAVE THE DINOSAURS ALONE.

"Baby step onto the elevator...baby step into the elevator...I'm IN the elevator."

Sometimes I have to trick myself into writing. It makes no sense, really, I love to write. Even when I feel like everything I'm writing is complete shit, I can keep going because it's pretty easy to write complete shit, you know? And, I don't know, maybe my shit will turn into pretty flowers some day. That is the weirdest thing I've ever typed. But you know what I mean...flowers come from shit. Everything comes from shit. Shit shit shit. Just keep shitting.

ANYWAY. Joe and I have been having "writing time" some nights, partly because it's more productive than watching hours of TV after dinner but also because we're both writing stories for THIS. You should, too. It's funsies. And if you get published, then I can say I know you and I'll be, like, Famous Once Removed.

We are learning to work together, and by that, I mean, in the same room at the same time. It's difficult because it means we just cannot talk to each other, or it will soon devolve into a gigglefest about poop and butts and who can say the most inappropriate thing that will make the other almost die from all the laughter. That's fun and all, but it's hard to write when you're lying passed out on the floor.

There's something I've been thinking about for a while, something that I hope at least some of you wonderful writers would be interested in, and that something is INTERNET WRITING GROUP. By that, I mean, hey, let's write stuff and pass it around and critique it and praise it but mostly LET'S JUST WRITE. We can have set topics or write WHATEVER, we can write short stories, sonnets, haikus, dirty limericks, I DON'T CARE, except no, wait, I really don't want to write any sonnets.

In any case, email if you're interested.