Auntie Em, Auntie Em!

Sometimes when I haven't written here in a while, I feel like I can't write until something BIG happens because what's the point of me writing another, "I did nothing all day today other than watch a full season of Party Down" post because YOU GUYS I'm unemployed (sort of) so that is pretty much what I'd be writing.

That said, I'm writing today because I was in a tornado on Wednesday. I know. I KNOW. I actually didn't know it was a tornado until we saw it on the news last night. We just thought it was a really, really bad (hail) storm, and as it was, it was a category 0 tornado so it was just a not-so-bad tornado (although my aunt insists that there's no such thing as a not-so-bad tornado).

Anyway, so we had just settled down to watch Battlestar Galactica (ASHLEY!) while we ate dinner (SPAGHETTI!) when I looked outside to see it was getting super windy and dark and, well, just very end-of-the-worldish. We turned on the news to see we were under a tornado warning and everyone in our area was being advised to take shelter. Normally I scoff at these warnings (scoff, I tell you!) because tornado warnings around here ('cept for Xenia) usually end up being nothing. My dad and I, when I lived at home, would run to the back porch to watch the storms whenever we were under a tornado warning, until my mom would yell at us to get our stupid asses back in the basement.

But I took one look outside on Wednesday to see the wind whipping the trees back and forth (I WHIP MY TREES BACK AND FORTH!) and was all, "um, maybe we should, like, not be sitting next to this giant window."



So we dragged a very freaked out Max to one of the innermost points of the condo, which happens to be Joe's closet. I was really worried about Phoebe because I had no idea where she was, but I figured she was OK since she's got all that cat-instinct and was probably hiding somewhere safe. We sat in the closet and called our parents and then just listened to the storm blow around us. At one point, Joe was like, "My parents were in a tornado once. They said it sounded like a train going by overhead," and I was all, "You mean, like it sounds right now?" and he was like, "Yeah, pretty much." But eventually the wind died down and we went to look out the window. There was hail EVERYWHERE.





And it was huge:



Once the storm was over, we decided to walk Max because there was another storm on the way. There were trees down all over and the street was flooded. I walked around a bit more yesterday and they had boarded up a bunch of windows that had been busted in the storm tornado.



I cannot stress enough that, for a tornado, this was the weakest possible, and there was minimal damage for a tornado coming through. Sure, there were trees uprooted and windows busted and a chimney destroyed, but no one was hurt and everyone still has a place to live, so I'm not trying to be all dramatic where there is no drama, but HOLY SHIT YOU GUYS A TORNADO. So scary. I'm so glad I didn't know it was a tornado when it was happening because I would have done one of two things:

1. Pooped myself and passed out.
2. Stood outside with my fingers crossed, hoping to be carried away to The Emerald City.

But you guys, the poor trees. :(




And I don't know, but I think someone might be trying to smite Ohio because the new Dinosaur Park (DINOSAURS ALIVE!) at Kings Island caught on fire the other day. Is this because I got so much enjoyment from Giant Jesus burning down? If so, I'M SORRY BUT LEAVE THE DINOSAURS ALONE.

I'm just like Ferdinand Magellan, only I'm not a dude and I don't speak Spanish

I went exploring again at lunch today and discovered that NOT ONLY am I a ten minute drive from Ikea, but I'm a LESS THAN ten minute drive from Jungle Jim's.

Oh, you don't know what Jungle Jim's is? I'm sorry. Your life, up until now, has been sad and tragic but DON'T WORRY because I am about to BLOW YOUR MIND. Sit down.

Jungle Jim's, claims the website, is six acres under one roof*. And I believe them. I went in to use the ATM and decided to wander around a bit and I thought I might never make my way out. I looked at all of the cheeses, including The Big Cheese, and I wondered whether it would be weird to eat a hunk of cheese for lunch. I did a double-take as I walked past a bear dressed as Elvis and booked it because I still haven't gotten over my fear of the Chuck-E-Cheese monsters characters. (See THIS to be even more frightened.)

The one thing I COULDN'T just walk away from was the bathroom. I know it sounds ridiculous, but if you ever go to Jungle Jim's, make sure you have to pee. Or poo. You can poo in there, too. The bathroom is for onesies or twosies, I always say. Actually that's the first time I've ever said that. The bathroom is for onesies and twosies, I always say. OK, now I've said it twice so it's officially "something I say." Anyway.

Here's the big secret about the bathroom. They look like porta-potties, but inside is all fancy. See? There, now you don't have to go all the way to Ohio to see the bathrooms at Jungle Jim's. Although, you totally should go to Ohio. At least this part of Ohio. We have Jungle Jim's, Ikea, AND Giant Jesus. What else do you need?

Plus, the alcohol section is like . . . bigger than a regular grocery store. It is magical. I didn't even venture into it today because I was afraid I wouldn't make it back to work. True story.

Oh, and outside Jungle Jim's is a lagoon thing with fake jungle animals in it. Take a looksie:



You totally want to go now, don't you? Well, let's go. Then we can take a drive down to Kentucky and go to Dinosaur World.

*they also claim to have the largest cheese selection in the US, so . . . YUM

Yes, I am an adult

Sometimes we get really random things in the mail at work. Like today? We got a tube full of binder clips and instructions on how to make a Binder Clip Dinosaur and DUH I totally made one. WHAT CHOICE DID I HAVE?