Jennie Baxla and the Severe Tire Damage

Here is how last night was supposed to go: leave work, go to volunteering, go home, eat a nutritious dinner, read Harry Potter, go to sleep.

Here is how it happened instead: left work, ran into something hella crazy in the road, got a flat tire, called AAA, waiting in rainy parking lot, drove car to (closed) Tire Discounters, ate Donatos for dinner instead of healthy chicken, read Harry Potter, stayed up to late, went to sleep.

The tire damage part of it happened like this:



I had to draw a picture because I'm having trouble explaining to people exactly what happened. But I'll try. For what are we without words? Animals, I guess. Except some animals can talk. Like parrots. And gorillas. They talk with their hands sometimes. Anyway.

I was seriously five minutes away from volunteering and not late or anything, so I wasn't even speeding (for once). It was raining pretty hard and the road was all shiny. Not good shiny like in Firefly, but bad shiny as in POOR VISIBILITY. And I was driving through construction and the lane kept going all topsy turvy and different directions so sometimes I don't think I was even in a lane, and as I went through the intersection all of the sudden there was this cement curb island thing RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME and so I swerved but not enough and I totally ran over it AND THEN MY CAR FLIPPED OVER AND OVER BUT I LANDED RIGHT SIDE UP AND PULLED INTO AN ALLSTATE PARKING LOT OH YEAH FIRE FIRE EXPLOSION GRYFFINDOR! Oh wait, the Gryffindor thing...I will that explain later.

It all happened just like that except for the fire and explosion. I sat in the parking lot for a moment, all shaky, and then called the cavalry (Joe and AAA). In my heart, I hoped that AAA could fix the tire but in my head I knew it was effed. Sure enough, when the tow truck arrived and he took the tire off, the wheel was all bent and shit and apparently wheels are never, ever supposed to be bent and shit. So the AAA guy put my spare on and then put air in the spare because why wouldn't my spare be almost flat, too? What, like I'm suppose to be prepared? Eff that, you guys. Then the AAA guy told me how much money he'd made in six months and how he was excited for it to snow because it meant he'd make even more money and I was like, "Dude, I know your job depends on the misfortune of others but could you try not to sport so much wood when you talk about it? Especially next to my poor, poor car? She's already traumatized enough."

But. OK. So as I was waiting for AAA to get there, a van pulled into a parking spot near me. I spied on them (obviously) and they got out of the car to look at their front passenger side tire and I was like, "huh," but I stayed in my car because it was raining and cold outside. Then the tow truck got there and the Van Guy came over to my car and this happened:

Van Guy: Is there something wrong with your car?
Jennie's Brain: Um, there's a tow truck here, wtf do you think?
Jennie Out Loud: Yeah, I got a flat tire.
Van Guy: Did you run over that thing in the road back there by the gas station?
Jennie's Brain: HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT, ARE YOU FOLLOWING ME?
Jennie Out Loud: Yes! Did that happen to you, too?
Van Guy: Sure did.

Then he started talking to my tow truck driver and I was all, "THAT'S MY TOW TRUCK DRIVER! STOP BOGARTING MY TOW TRUCK GUY!" and then the tow truck driver told us that whatever we'd both hit had caused an accident last week. Way to go, Dayton. Anyway, around this time, I noticed that the Van Guy was wearing a Gryffindor shirt.

Jennie's Brain: OMG, he's wearing a Gryffindor shirt!
Jennie Out Loud: I like your shirt, guy.
Jennie's Brain: BETTER BE...GRYFFINDOR!

The end.

one more sad

Last week was a weird one, I must say. I worked Monday and Tuesday and had the rest of the week off. My company does a lot of things wrong but they do bereavement leave right. Not sure what to make of that.

I went to volunteering on Tuesday night, something I was more than a little worried about, as it is a group for grieving children. I worried about bursting into tears as soon as I walked in, but it was actually the perfect place for me to be. Which in hindsight is a big, fat DUH but my foresight is absolute shit.

I saw my family almost every day last week, which was good, but also cried a lot, which was not so fun, actually. I held it together for most of the viewing, even though I had to go hide in the kitchen (under pretense of water-getting) a few times, and I held it together not at all on Friday at the funeral. I did manage to read this:

The thing about having a grandma is that you think she’ll always be there, because she’s always been there. From the moment you’re born, she’s with you, cheering you on and letting you stay up too late and pretending not to notice when you swipe a peppermint from the candy jar when your parents aren’t looking. She’s just as proud of you for graduating as she is that you didn’t fall down while walking across the stage. So when your grandma dies, you feel it instantly. That person who used to let you win at board games and who totally believed you when you said you were going to grow up to be Mary Poppins is gone.

The hardest thing about losing someone you love is the realization that you’ll never see them again. That all of the memories you have of that person are it, there will never be more. You realize how very little time we actually get and you wish, desperately, for more.

We must remember that the memories we have of Grandma are ours forever. We might feel like we’re losing them or that we don’t have enough of them, but the memories we have of her are like puzzle pieces and each person in this family holds different pieces of the puzzle. Late night card games and camping trips, watching Disney movies over and over and sleepovers on New Years Eve, walking up to Lincoln Park and feeding ducks at the pond, chocolate martinis and Happy Birthday Jesus cakes. We all hold these memories and when we tell stories about Grandma, we’re putting the puzzle pieces together. We’re a family of storytellers, a family that can’t get together without telling stories of times past, and as long as we can share our memories of Grandma, she’ll always be with us.

But only because the eulogies were first and especially only because I ran up to the mic before anyone else got a chance to make me cry. After I sat back down, though, all bets were off. TEARS. EVERYWHERE. But I suppose that's what funerals are for, really, so...whatever.

I feel very whatever lately. Very blah. Very other words for depressed. Things are getting back to normal, I suppose. We watched Chuck last night and walked Max and laughed about stupid things and I read my book and went to sleep and had crazy, crazy dreams.

Which I expected, as I have been having some wicked crazy dreams lately. I've dreamt of zombies at least four out of the past seven nights. The other night, I dreamt that I was in that movie Skyline. Have you seen the preview? It looks pretty run of the mill alien-movie until the last shot, which is of lots and lots of screaming people being pulled into spaceships by a beam of light. Freaked my shit out, that did. Anyway, some other people and I were running from this light, obviously, and we took shelter in a house. Someone realized that the light couldn't pull up people with dyed hair (what?) so we all dyed our hair. Mine was dark, dark black, like Evil!Willow black. We went outside to test it but mine didn't work, the light still came and I started getting pulled away and that's when Robert Downey, Jr. flew over in his Iron Man suit (minus the helmet) and saved me, which was pretty awesome because Robert Downey, Jr. is totally on my list, only I woke up before I could dream-cheat on Joe. Oh well, maybe next time.

(I love you, Joe!)

Anyway. I don't know what all the zombie/alien dreams say about my psyche right now and I don't want to know, thank you very much, I just wish they'd stop.

I am, however, totally OK with the Robert Downey, Jr. dreams. HINT HINT, UNIVERSE.

week of Mondays

YOU GUYS. Just when I thought it was safe to go back to blogging, WORK ATE MY SOUL. And not in a good way, either. Although, it's not like there's a GOOD way to have your soul eaten. You totally need your soul, otherwise you can't love things or enjoy fine cooking. It's true. They're all totally connected, just like Connect Four. Yeah, whatever.

Yesterday, I came into work and could not get into Outlook, meaning that the millions upon millions of emails I get every day were going UNREAD and since I wasn't answering emails people were calling me and since I hate talking on the phone, I wanted to curl into the fetal position under my desk until everyone just left me all alone to cry in peace. That never happened, though. You'd think not having access to my email would mean I couldn't get any work done, but you'd be wrong. Next time, I hope my entire computer has the decency to stop working because then I'd have an excuse to be napping at my desk. I'M JUST KIDDING, UNIVERSE, PLEASE DON'T BREAK MY COMPUTER! Seriously. How would I farm if my computer breaks? You know, if you didn't know about the internet, that last sentence would be SO CONFUSING.

Anyway. This morning, my email STILL wasn't working, so I called the IT Helpdesk for the third time and was all, "wtf, mate?" and the guy was all, "um...I don't know," and I was all, "NO, SERIOUSLY, WTF, MATE?" and he said it was a local problem and then I started yelling about how my ACTUAL DESK was more helpful than the IT Helpdesk and I think he quietly hung up on me while I was screeching at him but I don't care because I felt better afterward. I managed to nab a local IT person as she was walking by and she fixed it in like thirty seconds. I could try to explain to you why I have to call and speak to someone at the IT Helpdesk who is usually not even in the same timezone as me INSTEAD of just going directly to local IT, but I like you guys and I don't want your heads to explode.

At some point, in the midst of my email turmoil, I found out that our benefits person had to have an emergency appendectomy last night and will be out for, oh, who knows how long and did I mention that Open Enrollment is next week? Because Open Enrollment is next week. I hate Open Enrollment, you guys. Our benefits are all outsourced now, which you'd think would make things easier, but no one actually READS the benefits information they're given so instead of calling the ever-so-helpful 1-800 number or going to the informational website, they call and ask us what plan they should enroll in and GUESS WHAT we can't tell you what plan to enroll in, LEARN TO READ, A-HOLE. But I can't yell those things at employees because we're supposed to hold their hands and be helpful but I DON'T WANT TO because if I have to do any more fake smiling, I think my face is going to crack in half and I NEED MY FACE, YOU GUYS.

I keep thinking it's Friday but it's not, you know? It's totally Thursday, which is not Friday but I want it to be Friday why can't it be Friday? Because if today was Friday, I could go to Joe's soon and play with his Wii (hahahahaha, that will never get old) and then the next day would be Saturday which means SLEEPING IN. But no, it's not Friday, and I have two more hours of not-Friday before I can go home and put my pajamas on and finish the book I've been trying to finish ALL WEEK but this week of Mondays wouldn't let me.

I swear, if Pam and Jim weren't getting married tonight, this whole week would have been a complete waste.

this isn't your grandmother's Christmas party

WORST. DAY. EVER. Week is almost over and I will tell you how I know that. Um, well, it's almost time to leave work for THE WHOLE WEEKEND. I think most of my problems will magically melt away as soon as I step out of the building. I'm so sick of this place, you guys. It frustrates me so much that I'm not sure if I'm going to cry or call someone a douchebitch or punch someone in the face or all of the above.

Do you want to hear a Christmas miracle? Somehow, I am all done with my Christmas shopping. I banged it out last night (hahahahaha) at Target and then I wept with happiness. True story. Target is magical, so it was fitting that I'd finish my shopping there. Of course, I still have to wrap everything, but my plan on Christmas Eve is to wrap presents, drink, and watch The Sound of Music. I did the same thing last year, only I watched Harry Potter instead of The Sound of Music. What? I don't mock your Christmas traditions.

I have the most exciting plans tonight FOR REALSIES. Heidi and I are going to Tamara's to help make Hanukkah cookies, and there will also be pizza and wine and Love, Actually. Things just don't get much better than that. The only thing that could make it better would be if James McAvoy came in and did a sexy dance for us while we were baking. I'm not sure how much help I'll be with the actual baking, but I know I will be REALLY GOOD at taste-testing. Someone has to make sure the frosting isn't poisoned and I will volunteer to take one for the team.

Tomorrow, I'm celebrating Christmas with my dad's side of the family, and Joe, the brave soul, is going with me. I'm hoping we play Scene It again because if Joe and I are on the same team, we will totally win. No question. The other team will be lucky if they even get to answer any questions. Do you hear that family? We will own your asses. OK BYE MERRY CHRISTMAS!

WORST. DAY. EVER. Week

Earlier this week, Heather Anne proclaimed a state of emergency and by state of emergency I mean "WORST. DAY. EVER. Week." It's been a while since we've had one, and I think this week qualifies. I didn't want to believe it. I'm pretty good at denial, but things have stacked up and yep . . . it is now officially "WORST. DAY. EVER. Week." I understand this may not be affecting you all, but for those of you who have been affected . . . I'm sorry. But at least it's almost over, yes? Yes.

That's not to say it's been all bad. Sure, work has sucked donkey balls (two words: SOFTWARE CONVERSION) every day so far, but today I get to do detective work and fix things, and that's sort of fun BECAUSE I'M A NERD. And I had to go to the gyno on Monday, but that gave me something to blog about, and who doesn't love hooha talk? Also, there was a big, dumb ice storm on Tuesday (not like the movie, though, with the swingers and the itty, bitty Frodo and the tween sex), but it was practically melted by Wednesday morning. And my cell phone charger broke, meaning my phone was quickly dying, but then I realized it was time to UPGRADE and so UPGRADE I did. I think my new phone and I will be very happy together.

Oh yeah, my mom called me yesterday and told me they were taking my grandma to the hospital with what, to me, sounded like a stroke, but it turned out she was fine. And, you know, it gave me a chance to spend some quality time with my parents and some dude with a puke bucket in the ER waiting room.

Anyway, this week has been a bit of a disaster, but like I said, it's almost over. And I have nothing to do tonight but some Christmas shopping and TV watching, AND AWESOME TV WATCHING at that. Thank you, TiVo, for recording the Muppets. They can fix everything. And if, for some reason, they can't, then I'm sure those Christmas cookies my mom gave me will do the trick.

Oh, Friday. Hello, lover.

Weather and work-wise, it's been a spectacularly shit-tastic day, and if it weren't for the fact that I heard a new Oasis song on the radio today (SQUEEEEE!!!) AND that my plans tonight consist of eating my weight in pizza and breadsticks and vegging out in front of a couple movies, I might have thrown myself out the window hours ago.

As it is, I have no real commitments this weekend, except maybe to gorge myself on Italian and Greek food (and wine . . . and beer) at various festivals, and that's perfectly fine with me.

The longest four-day week in history is over . . . YAY! Happy Friday, Internets.

I'm about to do something very bold at this job that I've never done before. Try.

I've sort of gathered from everyone I've spoken to that this is the week from hell. Also known as "WORST. DAY. EVER. week." Well, friends, it's almost over. Because it's Friday. Also, payday. And even though at the end of work yesterday, we got news that this huge project has been moved up and I will be working very, very hard for the next couple of weeks, I'm just pretending that didn't happen. Because it's Friday. Also, payday.

This is what I had for dinner last night (in order):

caramel fudge brownie
beef tenderloin and green beans
lobster bisque
tuna sandwich appetizer thingie
cheesecake

We went to The Taste of The Greene and there were approximately 80 bajillion people there. It cost $10, and I was a bit worried about getting my money's worth (on account of the 80 bajillion people), but then this lady came around handing out tickets for free burritos at Chipotle.

FREE BURRITOS AT CHIPOTLE. So, after we ate all that other food and gave the remainder of our tickets to Tamara and Jeremy, we got in line at Chipotle and there weren't even that many people there! I mean, yeah, the line was longer than the lunch line usually is, but FREE BURRITOS, people! I expected the line to be out the door and halfway down the block. Apparently these people do not appreciate the FREE BURRITO. Or they just hadn't made their way over there yet. Either way, I have a FREE CHIPOTLE BURRITO for lunch today.

Also, I forgot to share a really embarrassing story yesterday, and I sort of can't believe I forgot because it caused extreme mortification for approximately three weeks.

Once upon a time (high school), I worked at the library. And one night, when I went into the breakroom, some lady (I think it was a lady, I don't really remember) was back there. I thought she was just someone's friend. And then she was all, "what would you do if aliens landed on the Earth?" and I was like, "well, I would ask them to take me home with them and make me their pet," because I am incapable of giving a serious answer to any question. And she was all, "I need to take your picture now," and I was all, "what?" and she was all, "this is for the newspaper," and I was like, "fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck." But I let her take my picture, because I am also a people pleaser. And I was in the paper talking about how I wanted to be ET's pet. And that's all I heard about from everyone I knew for the rest of my life. Or about three weeks. Whatever.

I think green is kind of whorish.

It was poor planning on my part (story of my life) that led to me running frantically around Meijer at ten o'clock last night holding onto an ice cream cake FOR DEAR LIFE. After volunteering, where we ran out of pizza because HOLY HELL growing boys eat a lot, I ran through Wendy's, went home and ate it, and then remembered that I was in charge of a birthday luncheon today. Eff. I went to Kroger to buy chicken salad and an ice cream cake but Kroger didn't have any ice cream cake. By this time, Dairy Queen was closed and I thought about going to Coldstone, but I couldn't remember if they were open and to be honest? I don't like my coworkers enough to get them an ice cream cake from Coldstone. So off to Meijer I went. I said a little prayer as I walked toward the bakery and cursed the birthday girl for wanting an ice cream cake. Didn't she know I'd wait until the last minute, when no places that sell all sorts of ice cream cakes would be open? At least if she'd picked like . . . chocolate cake, I could have (theoretically) baked it myself. But an ice cream cake? I can barely get ice cream out of the carton without spilling it all over myself, so making an ice cream cake was out of the question.

By the time I got home and put all the groceries away, I barely had the energy to put on my pajamas and flop into bed to catch the tail end of The Office (I heart you, TBS). Surprisingly, I fell asleep right away and didn't wake up until the geese started honking outside this morning. "I wonder why it sounds like they're right next to my window," I thought, and the answer is because they WERE right next to my window. As I walked out to my car, I noticed one of the geese on the roof, honking at a goose on the ground. I think they were either playing King of the Mountain or Red Light/Green Light. Maybe Simon Says. Mother May I?

This has been a long, hard (heh) week and I don't really know why, but I do know if the geese don't STFU already, I'm buying a BB gun.