big ball of wibbly-wobbly...timey-wimey...stuff

I changed my ringtone to the Doctor Who theme and waited and waited for someone to call me so I could hear it and guess what? Not a lot of people call me. Or if they do, they somehow wait until I'm sleeping or in the bathroom or whatever.

Also! My text alert noise is now that VROP noise that the Tardis makes when it appears. Or disappears. Whatever. I forgot about it until Monday, when I was sitting on the sofa and SUDDENLY THE TARDIS WAS LANDING IN MY LIVING ROOM. Except not. Because it was just a text. I may have gotten excited and this conversation may have happened:

Me: I heard my new Tardis text message noise today for the first time.
Joe: Um, OK.
Me: I forgot I changed it, though, and for a minute I thought the Tardis was landing.
Joe: Sigh.

It could happen, you guys, I swear.

So I started writing this yesterday and totally forgot about it. I blame the drugs. For real, the drugs. It's cough medicine, sure, but I still think it's a valid excuse. I was home sick on Monday and took an actual sick day, rather than trying to get work done from home which is what I normally do. Instead, I finished season 5 of Weeds and watched The Office (British version) Christmas special because I wanted to see Tim and Dawn get together. Yeah, that's pretty much the only reason I watched it. Anyway, I was home again on Tuesday because of all the weather and by weather I mean COLD AND SNOW. There are some perks to working so far from home, and being able to work from home because the roads are too snowy/icy is one of them. If I had an SUV or something, I could probably make it in easily but I don't, I have a car that is basically a glorified sled and while I don't mind sliding around all lanes of the highway, the other drivers do. I can't imagine why. My car is bright green, JUST GET OUT OF MY WAY.

I totally forgot to tell you guys something really important, probably because I was too busy talking about Jack Black the time traveler and cat poop, but Heidi (and Nicole!) got engaged over Christmas. You may remember Heidi from such entries as Upside Down Oven Knob and inappropriate conversations about Full House. Sometimes I wonder how we turned into people who get married and adopt animals and buy houses and remodel bathrooms and I get a little sad remembering our crazy days of drinking until 5 in the morning and eat cupcakes for dinner. Then I remember that I spent New Years Eve running around the beach acting like a dinosaur AND I legitimately thought that a time traveling police box might be landing in my living room and I realize not so very much has changed.

things I've done since lunch:

• taken cold medicine
• blown my nose 80 bajillion times
• made some tea
• bought a greenhouse
• planned my early escape
• hoped that people sit in their seats at the Ben Folds show tonight so I don't have to stand (I know it's lazy BUT REALLY I just don't understand why people stand up at concerts when there are seats provided...someone died making those seats, you know, you should sit in them)
• wondered if I could figure out a way to sleep and drive at the same time (Michael Scott does it)

BUT. Mostly I've been deleting work emails. And not just the ones asking me to do things, ZING! Anyway. Some company-wide email went out about a survey everyone can take to complain about how much they hate their jobs. The link to the survey doesn't work. And so I've gotten at least 50 emails that say something along the lines of, "my link doesn't work," and then 50 more emails telling everyone to stop hitting "reply to all," and THEY'RE STILL COMING IN AS I TYPE. There are something like 90,000 employees at my company so I'm pretty sure my Inbox is going to blow up soon. Here's hoping.

bottom of the barrel

So it would seem I forgot I had a blog. Oops. I was going to write, I really was, but all I had to talk about was coughing and phlegm and Vicks Vapor Rub and nobody wants to hear about that. I'm feeling a bit better today, though, and by that I mean I'm not staring daggers at the clock, wishing for time to go faster so I can go home and put my pajamas on and sit in a drug-induced vegetative state in front of the television. Also, it's Friday. And payday. I enjoy both of those, even though I'm doing this thing where I pretend most of the money in my checking account is not there. I can't spend it if it's not there. This is my reasoning.

I think the drugs are starting to affect my dreams, because last night I dreamt I was at the Inauguration, only it was in this really small concert venue and Barack Obama was wearing the whole graduation get-up (cap and gown and tassels and sashes), which I suppose makes a bit of sense because he was graduating from being awesome to being super awesome. So I'm watching the ceremony and then Barack Obama started singing. I don't remember what song it was but I do remember thinking he had a lovely singing voice. I was way in the back and couldn't see much, so I started inching closer and closer because I'm stealthy like that (until I trip over something or fall over) and soon I was standing right behind the good seats, where all the famous people were sitting. I was standing behind Brian Williams and when he saw me, he jumped up and told me to follow him and I was all, "Sure, Brian Williams, I like your tie, let's go." So then he was all, "Do you know how to drive a taxi?" and I was like, "If a taxi is anything like A CAR, then yes, I can drive a taxi," and he was all, "Thanks, SMART ASS," and I was like, "Chill OUT, Brian Williams, it's a good day!" Then he gave me a taxi and it looked like one of those old, run-down taxis from The Royal Tenenbaums and I drove around for a long time the streets were empty on account of everyone was either AT the Inauguration or WATCHING the Inauguration. Except for me and Brian Williams, of course. Then I woke up and was pissed because I didn't get to see Obama's big encore. The end!

Don't say "bucks." It's not lady-like.

Thanks for the well-wishes, Internets. I'm feeling much better and PUKING NO MORE. Which = awesome. I hate puking. So very much. I mean, I guess no one really likes puking, but I like to think I hate it more than other people. I don't know why.

I was still feeling shitty this morning and I think it was because A) I hadn't eaten anything, B) I knew I had to go back to work and C) I sort of inadvertently gave up caffeine. Oops. See, this is what I ate on Sunday: a piece of toast, 3 Ritz crackers, a bowl of chicken noodle soup. And this is what I threw up on Sunday: a piece of toast, 3 Ritz crackers. I'm not sure why I'm still talking about puking. I know everyone already knows what it's like to throw up and that my vomit is nothing special, but I like to think that it is. (It's not.)

Anyway, so I didn't have any caffeine on Sunday or yesterday or today, unless you count the tiny bit that's in green tea which I don't think really matters that much when I normally drink a bajillion cups of coffee a day. It works out well, though, because I've been wanting to give up caffeine or at least cut down on the amount of coffee I drink, so this getting sick thing was sort of good. Also, I might pretend that I gave up caffeine for Lent, even though that hasn't started yet, because I've never given up anything for Lent before. Probably not, though, because I just remembered I bought like three 12-packs of Coke zero. I can't just NOT drink it. It might go bad.

I wish I had more exciting stories to share with you, but this morning was the first time I'd left the apartment since Sunday. Unless you count when I took the trash out yesterday WHICH I DON'T even though it left me feeling like I'd just run a marathon. What a loser. I did manage to do my taxes. Federal taxes, anyway. And everyone knows that federal taxes are the important ones. Suck it, Ohio. I also watched like five hours of The Biggest Loser and YEP cried every episode. Again, I say, what a loser.

Also, I haven't done this in 69 days, so I think now is the perfect time:

Grace in small things --

1. reconciling with a friend
2. TV marathons when I'm sick
3. endless Internet when I'm sick
4. 7-UP when I'm sick (I can't drink it any other time, because it reminds me of being sick)
5. um, staying in my pajamas all day and not feeling bad about it because I'm siiiiiiiick.

Hee.

weekend recap: WARNING, there is vomit involved

So, I started doing Weight Watchers again because Wii Fit kept calling me a fatass, and last night Joe and I split some cheese fries, and I felt sort of guilty about them (only not at all, because they were SO GOOD) but I don't think it really matters because I just vomited up everything I've eaten since like, Thanksgiving.

That's right, folks, it's stomach flu time! Whoo! Luckily, I knew it was coming because this morning I started having stomach cramps and I was all, "DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT," because it was exactly how I felt the LAST time I got the stomach flu. But anyway. I had time to go to Rite Aid and buy the essentials: Pepto Bismol, 7-UP, chicken noodle soup. I've utilized both the Pepto and the 7-UP but considering I couldn't keep down the one thing I've eaten today (toast), I think I may save the soup until tomorrow.

Also! Things could be worse. I have a comfortable bed. Warm pajamas. Hot tea. And Heidi, Joe, and my parents have all offered to bring me anything I might need, which is good because I don't think I should be in public looking the way I do. I would scare children, I swear. PLUS there's an America's Next Top Model marathon on right now, and that's like the best thing ever to watch when you're sick. Because you can fall asleep through an episode or two and when you wake up, it's still on and you don't have to work up the energy to change the channel.

I didn't just throw up this weekend, though. I also visited my grandma and my aunt and went running and saw Coraline. I'm just glad The Stomach Flu held off until I was done with all that stuff.