Let's all go to the movies and then gouge our eyes out because that's how bad Due Date was

My love for Robert Downey Jr. runs deep, so deep that I have seen Only You MORE THAN ONCE. In fact, when I saw that Only You was available for Netflix Instant, I might have actually squeed aloud. I watched it almost immediately and I was almost able to ignore how absolutely terrible it is. Such is the power of RDJ's charm.

I've been swooning over RDJ for years now, through his stint in rehab AND on Ally McBeal, all the way to, well, today. I saw Iron Man because he was in it, I loved him in Wonder Boys, my sides ached with laughter during his bits in Tropic Thunder, and I watched Sherlock Holmes just to see the magic of the budding bromance between RDJ and Jude Law.

But this past weekend, Robert Downey Jr. almost lost my love FOREVER and I will tell you why: DUE DATE.

Oh, I was all set to love it, despite the poor reviews I'd read back when it came out, because his character's name in the movie is Peter Highman. Just...just say it out loud. See? It immediately pandered to my 13-year-old-boy level of maturity, so I was on board. But you guys, this movie is terrible. I don't know what happened. I love stupid movies as much as the next person (I own Zoolander) but there is almost nothing redeeming about this movie.

Here is the premise: Peter (RDJ) is on his way home, and needs to be there by Friday, because his wife is getting a C-section that day and I guess it's, like, important to meet your baby right away, I don't know. He meets Zach Galificleurlduskjerudl's character, Ethan, at the airport and there is some nonsense about their bags getting mixed up. Then they get in a fight on the airplane and, of course, get kicked off. Peter has this problem, I guess, that when he gets mad, he "sees red," so he never remembers the yelling and the punching or whatever, but really I think his problem is that he's just an asshole.

Anyway, so they get kicked off the plane and Peter's wallet is still ON the plane because for some reason, he put it in the seat pocket in front of him? Or something? Do people do this? So he can't rent a car because he has no money or ID. Also, he's now on the no-fly list on account of the fighting and the mixed up baggage.

Ethan, however, still has money and his ID, so he is able to rent a car and convinces Peter to come with him. Thus begins their tragic journey across the country. Oh yeah, I forgot, but Ethan is carrying his dead father's ashes around in a coffee can. This will be important later but it's gross so prepare yourselves. Also, Ethan wants to be an actor because he was inspired by Two and a Half Men. This will be important later but it's gross so prepare yourselves.

Along the way, Ethan stops to buy pot and, while there, Peter punches a child in the stomach. I mean, the kid was annoying, but you just can't punch a child. I'm pretty sure that's like a rule. Ethan spends all their money on pot, then Peter insults a war veteran at Western Union so they can't even get the money Peter's wife wired to them, so they are pretty much screwed. I think this is when they sleep at a rest stop and Peter tries to ditch Ethan there but, in his only redeeming scene in the movie, feels guilty and goes back to get him. Later, Ethan falls asleep while he's driving and DRIVES OFF OF AN OVERPASS, so maybe Peter had the right idea, what with the ditching, but don't worry, the only bad things that happen are that Peter breaks an arm and the dog now has to wear a cone of shame.

At this point, Jamie Foxx rescues them and takes them to his house. He lends them a car, but not before making them coffee out of Ethan's father's ashes. Yep, sure, why not.

I think it's soon after they leave Jamie Foxx that Ethan accidentally drives them to Mexico. Yeah. Peter gets arrested by border patrol because...I don't remember why, and is locked up in a trailer, which Ethan then STEALS and then they are in the most ridiculous car chase ever and it was at this point that I wondered why I was still watching the movie.

They become friends at this point, sort of, even though Peter is still a total asshole. They go to the Grand Canyon and I wish Ethan would push Peter over the side. They OBVIOUSLY make it to California in time for Peter to see his baby's birth...well, sort of, because I forgot that Ethan accidentally shoots Peter at some point so I think Peter passes out during the actual birth but who cares because he was an asshole anyway and assholes shouldn't get to see their babies get borned. Actually, wait, scratch that, the birthing process is way disgusting so assholes should have to watch that shit, like, 24/7, right? Right.

OK, but here is where I felt completely betrayed. Ethan and Peter apparently become BFF, although reluctantly on Peter's part because of the asshole thing. Peter and his wife and baby are lying in bed one night, watching TV, and you guys, THEY ARE WATCHING TWO AND A HALF MEN. Because Ethan was a guest actor on it or something. But WHATEVER WHO CARES. The point is, this movie tricked me into watching part of Two and a Half Men and I don't care that it was maybe only a minute or two, it was still a minute or two of Two and a Half Men that I never, ever wanted to see. And, I don't know, you guys, as much as I hate to say it, I think it's going to take a lot of shirtless wrestling before I can ever trust RDJ again.

Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars?

If you don't live in Ohio or North Carolina, you probably don't realize that the states totally hate each other. Want to know why? It's because of airplanes. And all the license plates. Allow me to explain.

Ohio license plates say, "Birthplace of Aviation."

North Carolina plates say, "First in Flight."

I say, "North Carolina can suck it."

When Heather and Abigail came to Ohio for the wedding, we were driving around one afternoon and the subject of flight came up. No, I don't remember how that happened, but it did. One of them mentioned something about North Carolina license plates saying "first in flight" and THEN they wondered why Ohio got all bent out of shape about it and that is when I HAD TO DROP SOME KNOWLEDGE ALL OVER THEIR ASSES.

I very rationally explained that North Carolina is wrong. It used to be cute that they thought flight was all theirs, but it's not funny anymore. Then I explained about the Wright Brothers and it soon became clear to me that this was not common knowledge unless maybe you grew up in Dayton and took yearly school field trips to the Air Force Museum. (The only other thing I remember from those field trips is that there is a plane at the museum named Strawberry Bitch, which we all thought was hilarious...probably because it's hilarious.)

So here, dear internet, is a faithful narrative of all things Wright Brothers. Well, maybe not all things. But some things! Things I could remember! Or that I found on Wackopedia. Anyway.

Once upon a time there were two brothers, Wilbur and Orville Wright. Neither technically graduated from high school, so think of that the next time you're on a plane. Wilbur was supposed to go to Yale, but he got his front teeth knocked out by a hockey puck so he stayed home because he was afraid none of the Yale ladies would want to make out with him. Ha. Just kidding, there were no ladies at Yale, it was 1885.

Anyway, instead of going to Yale, Wilbur stayed in Dayton and went to work with Orville at his print shop. Interesting (?) sidenote: Paul Laurence Dunbar was one of their customers, and had also been a classmate of Orville's. I like to imagine that they were BFFs. Also, that they invented a time machine so they could go to the future and find out if they ever became famous, which THEY TOTALLY DID. Well, Dayton-famous. Wah wah.

Later, the Wrights opened a bicycle shop called the Wright Cycle Exchange, and used all the crazy cash money they made to pay for their silly flight endeavors. They were mostly focused on how to control an aircraft, so the pilot wouldn't go careening off of a cliff and, like, die and stuff. Other flight-inventing-wannabes were more focused on strapping the biggest engines they could find on planes but the Wrights were all, "size isn't everything, duh."

Then Wilbur and Orville did a bunch of science to figure out how to make an awesome plane that wouldn't kill people. They did this and in 1903, they took the Wright Flyer I to Kitty Hawk, North Carolina and flew the shit out of it. The only reason the first flight took place in North Carolina was because the winds there were more conducive to flying than the winds in Dayton (plus it was December, which equals ice and snow in Ohio). Also, going to North Carolina was cheaper than going to California or Florida. So, congratulations, North Carolina! You get the bronze medal in wind.

But seriously. Stay away from The Wright Brothers. THEY'RE OURS.

(Indiana tries to butt in sometimes, too, just because Wilbur Wright was born there, which is sort of adorable but no, Indiana. Just...no. You get to claim Vonnegut and Letterman, WHY ISN'T THAT ENOUGH FOR YOU?)

PS: If you're ever in Dayton and you have some time to kill, I highly recommend going to Carillon Park. You can see a replica of the Wright bicycle shop (whoo?) and the Wright Flyer III, which is, I think, three times as awesome as the Wright Flyer I. Plus! There is a little replica schoolhouse from the olden days and you get to sit at the desks or in the corner and wear the Dunce hat. It's awesome. Or at least I thought it was awesome when we went there on field trips. You know, when I was 10.

9. What would your Boggart be?

My boggart would be someone telling me that I had to plan a wedding again. Oh, zing! Just kidding, it really wasn't that terrible. But seriously (folks), I had a really good time planning certain things (mustaches!) and even the not-so-fun things (assembling the invites!) weren't that bad because I got to watch terrible movies while doing it. WIN WIN WIN.

Anyway, I don't know if anyone has any interest in this BUT it might be helpful if you ever plan on planning a wedding and you're lazy like I am. So, here is what we did and how we planned (I would like to apologize for the length...that's what he said) and I'm sorry if it's really boring because OMG how boring is talking about wedding planning? Also, how long was that sentence? Damn, Gina.

1. Ceremony Venue

We almost got married in a tiny park that has a dinosaur in it, surrounded by immediate family and wedding party only. Then we almost got married in a tiny church, surrounded by immediate family and wedding party only. In the end, we got married in the tiny church, surrounded by EFFING EVERYONE, because we obviously loved everyone we invited and wanted them to be there for the ceremony. I still don't know how we squeezed so many people in such a teeny tiny church. It was sort of like how the Weasleys and Harry and Hermione all fit in a teeny tiny tent when they went to the Quidditch World Cup.

2. Reception Venue

We vacillated on the reception hall for a while, but eventually settled on the only place we visited, which is where almost everyone in Dayton has their wedding reception. Which...whatever, we probably could have tried harder to find somewhere a bit more creative, but in the end, I didn't really care so much about the where, I was more interested in the who (as in, WHO would be there) and the what (as in, WHAT food/drinks will we serve and WHAT will we do to make this a super crazy awesome fun time).

3. Food/Drinks/Cake

We served an appetizer buffet instead of a sit down dinner, thinking it would be faster. I'm not sure it was, but I was so happy we went that route because appetizers are my favorite food group (what?) and the jalapeno poppers were SO GOOD. Also, there were teeny pie things that had pizza toppings inside and OMG. My parents had everyone over after the reception and they served the leftover reception food, and I have a very fuzzy memory of standing next to all the food, shoving the pizza pie things in my mouth, like, until they were gone.

Since we didn't serve a big dinner, we worried that people would be feeling peckish toward the end of the night, so we served a soft pretzel bar (with nacho cheese and various mustards) as a late night snack. I didn't eat any (sad face) because I was too busy dancing around Hogwarts on the dance floor, but they sure looked good.

In the early planning stages, I think we were most excited to go cake tasting, but we only ended up going to one place because THAT WAS ALL IT TOOK. Seriously. We got our cupcakes from The Bombshell Bakeshop, which is a local Dayton business, and the proprietors couldn't have been nicer. Joe and I totally have a couple crush on them (whatever that means). We got about 200 cupcakes, in various flavors, and left the rest up to them. I can safely say that they went above and beyond and if you're getting married in Dayton, please hire them. You will not be disappointed.

4. Flowers

I honestly did not give two shits about the flowers, but my mom (hi, Mom!) really wanted us to have real bouquets because they smell nice. And they did smell nice. We got them from The Flowerman, another local business. My only complaint is that my bouquet was so heavy that I thought my arm was going to fall off during the ceremony, but that's not their fault, that's my fault for being such a wuss.

5. Favors

MUSTACHES! I ordered the mustaches from MaroDesigns on etsy. I almost didn't, because I thought it would be way too expensive to order 160 mustaches at something like $3 each. I ended up emailing her, though, and I'm so glad I did because she gave me a much cheaper price for ordering them in bulk.

You guys. This was the best wedding purchase I made. Way better than the flowers, better than my dress, better than EVERYTHING. Joe was a little worried that I became so fixated on getting fake mustaches for the reception, but that's because he had no idea I'd found such awesome mustaches. I am so, so glad I got them, if only for the pictures. OH THE PICTURES.

6. Photographer

Speaking of pictures, my cousin, Dana, is a wedding photographer and she gave us a great deal. Which is awesome, otherwise we never would have been able to afford her. Heh. Her website is here: Dana Grant Photography and some of our wedding photos are here: Joe and Jennie's DAY OF FUN.

7. Music/DJ

Joe's friend DJed for us, which was awesome because she took care of getting the equipment and everything. Our first/mother/father songs were:

First Dance: Falling Slowly by The Swell Season
Father/Daughter: Gracie by Ben Folds
Mother/Son: Let it Be by The Beatles

8. Centerpieces

BOARD GAMES. Seriously, it was so easy and fun and no one I talked to had ever been to a wedding with board game centerpieces. What made it even better was that the reception hall took care of setting all of them up at the tables. Even Twister, which was set up right next to the dance floor. Plus, it was cheap since we already had a lot of the games.

9. Invites

This was another thing I didn't really care about. I mean, I wanted them to look nice but I didn't want to spend a bajillion dollars on them. So, Joe drew the design and I figured out what they should say and we printed and assembled them ourselves.

10. Dress

This was my biggest headache, I think, but it wasn't even that bad. It's just that I hate shopping and there's so much pressure for your wedding dress to be, like, the prettiest dress you'll ever own. To which I say BULLSHIT because I plan on buying lots of pretty dresses for the rest of my life, so suck it.

That's not to say I didn't like my wedding dress. I loved it. It was way more comfortable than any dress has a right to be and I got it for only $200 (SCORE). Joe's mom used to alter wedding dresses for a living, so did all of my alterations. The dress came with a long train, which she hemmed completely off so I wouldn't trip over it. The biggest pain in the ass, really, was finding a strapless bra that was supportive but that didn't cut off my air supply.

11. Thank You Notes

Um, we are still working on these. Sorry, everyone who sent us gifts, but we are both procrastinators. So, those will hopefully go out before the end of the year. Or before our first wedding anniversary. Heh.

TMI? Too much information. Uh, it's just easier to say TMI. I used to say don't go there, but that's lame.

It's been a while since I've shared too much information with the internet, I think, but HOLD ONTO YOUR BUTTS because I went to the lady doctor on Monday.

That's right. I scheduled an appointment with the lady doctor on a Monday morning, because apparently there's no better way to start your week than having someone poke around your girly parts with cold, metal instruments.

So in I went and when the nurse took my blood pressure she was all, "why is your blood pressure so high," and I was like, "because I'm at the doctor's office, duh," and then the doctor took it again later and was all, "why is your blood pressure so high" and I was all, "gee, I don't know, maybe because this one time I came in here and you forcibly ripped out a piece of my body so this place doesn't really give me CUDDLY, WARM FUZZIES."

Long story short (ha!), I have to start watching my sodium, because sodium is an evil bitchmonster, hell-bent on making my heart explode before I'm 30. JK, it's not that bad, but did you know there's a shitload of sodium in everything? Like, that water you're drinking probably has 5000 mgs of sodium in it. OK, it doesn't, unless you dumped four teaspoons of salt in there but why would you do that? That's disgusting.

It turns out lots of foods I thought were healthy are NOT healthy, sodium-wise, because they've been processed out the wazoo (what a fun word) and processed food, while delicious, is a big bad. Not THE big bad, though, otherwise Buffy could just smack it around for a while and all would be well. I wish I could shrink Buffy real tiny like and shoot her into my bloodstream to stake all of the sodium molecules before they could eff up my body. That would be awesome. It could be an Innerspace sequel which OMG I love that movie so much.

Right. So. Here is where the TMI comes in. This may not be common knowledge to those of you with penises, but when you go to the lady doctor, she spends a lot of time feeling you up. This is also when she yells at you for not doing monthly breast exams. The whole thing is less uncomfortable than it sounds, at least with my doctor, because she's really good at carrying on a conversation while she's doing all of that. Do you think they teach that in med school? I think so because I'm pretty sure that's what Karev failed on Grey's Anatomy, and that's where I get all my doctor knowledge. That and WebMD but I'm not allowed to look at WebMD anymore because doctors don't like it when you diagnose yourself.

Anyway, the doctor was rounding second base and there was a break in the conversation where she was all like, "...hmm," and that's not a good noise for a doctor to make while she's kneading your boob like a lump of dough.

"Your boobs are dense," she said (RUDE) and I told her that I TRIED to tell them to pay more attention in school, but would they listen? No. She didn't laugh, though, because she never gets my jokes.

Long story short again (ha!), I have to get an ultrasound next week. On my boobs. Because, according to my doctor, boobs are supposed to feel like cottage cheese and if she feels something pea-like IN the cottage cheese, that's a problem. WELL. APPARENTLY, my boobs feel like cottage cheese that's been left on the counter for too long (her words), so she couldn't tell if she'd found something weird or just, like, even older cottage cheese.

It's really nothing to worry about, and I wasn't even going to say anything on here, but I'm guessing that the experience of getting my boobs ultrasounded is something I'm going to want to blog about and it would be weird if next week I was like, "I got my boobs ultrasounded today," with no explanation beforehand so that's what this is. An explanation. In the meantime, I'm going to get my boobs a therapist because after being called dense and being compared to old cottage cheese, they're having some self-esteem issues.

This is the Seinfeld of posts.

I've started to notice lately that it doesn't take much to affect my mood one way or the other. I'll be smiling my way down the hallway at work and then I'll hear Annoying Coworker #5 talking about how he heard Glenn Beck say the funniest thing the other day, and he doesn't mean funny like, "wow, I didn't know someone with so few brain cells could speak," he means funny like, "that Glenn Beck sure knows what he's talking about," because if this guy lived in Phoenix, he probably would have been one of those idiots who brought a gun to hear Obama speak because THAT'S TOTALLY SANE AND NORMAL and what was I saying? I don't remember, really, but I think it had something to do with the fact that my mood can be ruined by the smallest things.

However. It can also be buoyed by the smallest things, like YUMMY FOOD or hearing The Final Countdown on the radio and picturing GOB dancing around before he makes a boat DISAPPEAR. You know what other Arrested Development-related activity makes me happy? Imitating the Bluths imitating chickens. Chaw-chee-chaw-chee-chaw! If you don't understand that, then maybe you should go watch some Arrested Development already.

Here is why: I am right about everything and I say Arrested Development is hilarious. Other shows that are hilarious: How I Met Your Mother, 30 Rock, The Office, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Flight of the Conchords. Sometimes people try to watch things like Two and a Half Men and I have to tell them how not funny it is. Sometimes they don't believe me and watch it anyway and I feel sorry for their brains. It's sad.

I can also tell you what movies you should see in the theater, what movies you should wait to see on DVD, and what movies you should never, ever see because they will be so awful that they will melt your face, sort of like that time the Ark of the Covenant, um, melted that guy's face and it was way gross, especially for that guy, probably.

For your reference, here are the movies that are out right now (at least where I am) and what category they fall into:

(500) Days of Summer: THEATER

Aliens in the Attic: DVD

Bandslam: Face-Melter

District 9: THEATER

Funny People: DVD

G.I. Joe: Face-Melter

G-Force: Face-Melter, but could be DVD b/c of Tracy Morgan/Jordan

The Goods: DVD/possible Face-Melter

The Hangover: DVD

Harry Potter: THEATER

Julie & Julia: THEATER

Orphan: DVD

A Perfect Getaway: Face-Melter/DVD

Ponyo: THEATER/DVD

The Proposal: DVD

The Time-Traveler's Wife: DVD

Transformers: Face-Melter

The Ugly Truth: Face-Melter

YOU'RE WELCOME. Please note that I have only actually seen three of these movies, but I feel strongly that I am right about the rest of them.

Regarding the above movies, you should all go see District 9 like, ASAP. Except for you, Heather Anne, because it might be too scary. And Kat, you maybe shouldn't see it on account of it's full of aliens. But the humans are scarier, I promise. Anyway. It's really good and the main guy has an accent and it sounds funny when he says The Eff Word.

This week, Heidi and Tam are in Mexico burning their skin off and drinking tequila, so I am checking in on Harleigh, Tam's smooshed-face cat. Here is a picture of Harleigh. She is adorable and right now she is wearing one of those cone things so she doesn't lick her tummy rash and it only makes her more adorable. Also, she's nice and will let me pet her and pick her up without threatening to bite my face off, unlike some cats, PHOEBE.

Anyway, I guess my point is, I'm in a good mood today because of A) GOB Bluth, B) quesadillas for dinner, C) smooshed-faced cats, and D) Flight of the Conchords. If you'd been paying attention, I think that was all pretty obvious.

Je m'appelle Claude

It's snowing in Chicago. Sort of. We just went to Starbucks and for some reason I saw snow and thought, "hmm, I will wear my Chuck Taylors." Bad idea. Bad. Kat was smart and brought snow boots and luckily Abigail gave us all sweet hats to wear because it is cold here, you guys. So cold. Actually, that's a lie because it's 31 degrees right now and it feels really warm. Because last night it was 8. If that. Anyway, these hats have animal faces on them. Mine is a monkey. I'll show you later because the batteries in my camera died and I haven't gotten any new ones yet. Although, the apartment/suite thing has Ikea batteries but they're the wrong size. Did you know Ikea batteries are yellow? Because they are yellow. Wow, do you want to hear more about the batteries? Cause I could talk more about the batteries.

Right now, Heather is making cinnamon rolls, while WALL-E watches over her from the counter. She is also speaking in a British accent and Abigail is researching for Kat's crossword so Kat can cheat. Also, we are taking a Slang Flashcard test.

I sort of can't believe I'm finally in Chicago, because the trip to Rockville was such a disaster and I will tell you why. One - I was working. Two - the car broke down. Three - I'm pretty sure I didn't sleep at all. Four - I was working. The disaster didn't end once I landed in Dayton, oh no. There were parking lot shenanigans. I will get to that in a minute.

The BEST thing happened as I was walking to baggage claim. I walked out of the secured area and all of these people were there greeting their loved ones. I was all, "aww, that is so sweet and boo, none of them are for me." And then. I walked around the corner and saw this guy who looked just like Joe and GUESS WHAT. It was Joe. And THANK GOD because I was way tired of carrying my bags. Hee. Also, it was really very sweet because pretty much all I did the entire trip was text/email Joe and Heidi and tell them what an awful time I was having. And it turned out to be a really good thing that he was there and NOW I will tell you why.

OK. So when I parked my car on Tuesday, I parked in economy. And they were doing a buttload of construction and APPARENTLY I ended up in the wrong lot. Somehow, there was no barrier between the economy lot and the credit card lot (which is way closer to the airport) and I drove into the credit card lot by mistake WHICH SHOULD NOT BE POSSIBLE. Anyway, so I tried to get out of the lot with my credit card, but since I didn't use my credit card to get in, the thing wouldn't let me out. So I called the guy on the intercom and he was really rude and told me I couldn't get out and I'd just have to find the way I got in, and get out that way, and when I tried to explain to him that THERE WAS NO OTHER WAY OUT because apparently they'd put the barrier back, he was all, "eff you, B, sorry about your luck." If Joe hadn't been there to calmly ask me if I wanted him to drive, I definitely would have just driven through the barrier to FREEDOM SWEET FREEEEEEEEEEEDOM. And, you know, then I would have gotten arrested and there goes my newfound freedom.

So. We drove around for a while, found a movable barrier, moved it, and drove out of the economy lot. And then I went home and slept. And then I got up and packed. And then I drove to Chicago, and picked up Abigail, and we went to the airport to get Kat and Heather, and then we found the apartment Abigail had rented for us (which WOW I need to take pictures once I find batteries) and then we went to the grocery and bought wine and food and 30 cans of PBR (25 are left . . . can we finish them? I don't know) and then we ate cheese and drank wine and then we played the Harry Potter game I gave Heather for her birthday and then we watched Heather's new WALL-E dance away and then we had dinner and that's it. Except THEN this morning we got up and got Starbucks and whatever happens after that, I will have to tell you at a later time. Hold, please.