Thursday, March 31, 2011

Let's all go to the movies and then gouge our eyes out because that's how bad Due Date was

My love for Robert Downey Jr. runs deep, so deep that I have seen Only You MORE THAN ONCE. In fact, when I saw that Only You was available for Netflix Instant, I might have actually squeed aloud. I watched it almost immediately and I was almost able to ignore how absolutely terrible it is. Such is the power of RDJ's charm.

I've been swooning over RDJ for years now, through his stint in rehab AND on Ally McBeal, all the way to, well, today. I saw Iron Man because he was in it, I loved him in Wonder Boys, my sides ached with laughter during his bits in Tropic Thunder, and I watched Sherlock Holmes just to see the magic of the budding bromance between RDJ and Jude Law.

But this past weekend, Robert Downey Jr. almost lost my love FOREVER and I will tell you why: DUE DATE.

Oh, I was all set to love it, despite the poor reviews I'd read back when it came out, because his character's name in the movie is Peter Highman. Just...just say it out loud. See? It immediately pandered to my 13-year-old-boy level of maturity, so I was on board. But you guys, this movie is terrible. I don't know what happened. I love stupid movies as much as the next person (I own Zoolander) but there is almost nothing redeeming about this movie.

Here is the premise: Peter (RDJ) is on his way home, and needs to be there by Friday, because his wife is getting a C-section that day and I guess it's, like, important to meet your baby right away, I don't know. He meets Zach Galificleurlduskjerudl's character, Ethan, at the airport and there is some nonsense about their bags getting mixed up. Then they get in a fight on the airplane and, of course, get kicked off. Peter has this problem, I guess, that when he gets mad, he "sees red," so he never remembers the yelling and the punching or whatever, but really I think his problem is that he's just an asshole.

Anyway, so they get kicked off the plane and Peter's wallet is still ON the plane because for some reason, he put it in the seat pocket in front of him? Or something? Do people do this? So he can't rent a car because he has no money or ID. Also, he's now on the no-fly list on account of the fighting and the mixed up baggage.

Ethan, however, still has money and his ID, so he is able to rent a car and convinces Peter to come with him. Thus begins their tragic journey across the country. Oh yeah, I forgot, but Ethan is carrying his dead father's ashes around in a coffee can. This will be important later but it's gross so prepare yourselves. Also, Ethan wants to be an actor because he was inspired by Two and a Half Men. This will be important later but it's gross so prepare yourselves.

Along the way, Ethan stops to buy pot and, while there, Peter punches a child in the stomach. I mean, the kid was annoying, but you just can't punch a child. I'm pretty sure that's like a rule. Ethan spends all their money on pot, then Peter insults a war veteran at Western Union so they can't even get the money Peter's wife wired to them, so they are pretty much screwed. I think this is when they sleep at a rest stop and Peter tries to ditch Ethan there but, in his only redeeming scene in the movie, feels guilty and goes back to get him. Later, Ethan falls asleep while he's driving and DRIVES OFF OF AN OVERPASS, so maybe Peter had the right idea, what with the ditching, but don't worry, the only bad things that happen are that Peter breaks an arm and the dog now has to wear a cone of shame.

At this point, Jamie Foxx rescues them and takes them to his house. He lends them a car, but not before making them coffee out of Ethan's father's ashes. Yep, sure, why not.

I think it's soon after they leave Jamie Foxx that Ethan accidentally drives them to Mexico. Yeah. Peter gets arrested by border patrol because...I don't remember why, and is locked up in a trailer, which Ethan then STEALS and then they are in the most ridiculous car chase ever and it was at this point that I wondered why I was still watching the movie.

They become friends at this point, sort of, even though Peter is still a total asshole. They go to the Grand Canyon and I wish Ethan would push Peter over the side. They OBVIOUSLY make it to California in time for Peter to see his baby's birth...well, sort of, because I forgot that Ethan accidentally shoots Peter at some point so I think Peter passes out during the actual birth but who cares because he was an asshole anyway and assholes shouldn't get to see their babies get borned. Actually, wait, scratch that, the birthing process is way disgusting so assholes should have to watch that shit, like, 24/7, right? Right.

OK, but here is where I felt completely betrayed. Ethan and Peter apparently become BFF, although reluctantly on Peter's part because of the asshole thing. Peter and his wife and baby are lying in bed one night, watching TV, and you guys, THEY ARE WATCHING TWO AND A HALF MEN. Because Ethan was a guest actor on it or something. But WHATEVER WHO CARES. The point is, this movie tricked me into watching part of Two and a Half Men and I don't care that it was maybe only a minute or two, it was still a minute or two of Two and a Half Men that I never, ever wanted to see. And, I don't know, you guys, as much as I hate to say it, I think it's going to take a lot of shirtless wrestling before I can ever trust RDJ again.

Friday, March 25, 2011

True story: when we watch Fringe, I spend most of the time talking about how dreamy Joshua Jackson is.

When I was a tween, one of my most serious hobbies was collecting BOP and Tiger Beat magazines. My friends and I would go to the drug store and sit in the magazine aisle, leaf through these bubblegum rags, and agonize over our purchases. My weekly allowance would only support my habit up to a point, so I had to be careful if I wanted to get my money’s worth. Sometimes the magazines had only so-so heartthrobs on the cover, but if there was a magazine with a full-size pullout poster of Jonathan Taylor Thomas (JTT!!!), well, obviously that was money well spent.

Some of my friends were already starting to go on dates around this time, even though most of us hadn’t even started our periods. I was shy and socially awkward around most people, and even more so around boys. I had no interest in them and didn’t anticipate ever wanting to have anything to do with them. I mean...I had books, I had my friends, I had my bike, honestly, what else did I need?

Maybe I wasn’t maturing as quickly as my friends, I don’t know, but I didn’t see the appeal of dating. Frankly, what little dating information I’d been able to gather (mostly from old episodes of Saved by the Bell) terrified me. My friends and I often discussed the perfect age to start dating. Most of my friends insisted that, at 12, we were the perfect age to date all we wanted, and you wouldn’t believe the heavy silence that fell when I suggested that maybe 18 was a better age.

I had no real interest in any of the boys in my life but was obsessed with collecting glossy pictures of my favorite teen actors. My room was plastered with the posters and pages I’d torn from teen magazines. I taped them on my bedroom walls like wallpaper. I lived in my head and my head was full of these Hollywood pretty boys. It was easier to pretend that if I should ever meet one of these actors, they’d fall deeply in love with me, and I’d never need to go through the painful dating process. I weaved intricate fantasies around these meetings, based on information gleaned from all the generic magazine articles I’d read about them. JTT liked ice cream. I liked ice cream! Joshua Jackson liked animals! I LOVED animals! Andrew Keegan liked to hike and, well, I liked to walk? Oh the fun we’d have, JTT, Andrew, Josh (yeah, I call him Josh) and I, eating our double-decker ice cream cones while we hiked through the woods and tried to catch wild animals WITH OUR BARE HANDS.

Obviously, these fantasies never became reality, and I (sort of) overcame my fear of boys and dipped my toe into the dating scene. I still spend most of my time in my head, but I eventually outgrew these magazine heartthrobs. Although, if I didn't think Joe would mind, I might still plaster the walls of our house with pictures of Joshua Jackson.

PACEY 4EVA!!1!!11!

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Thursday, March 17, 2011

you pinch me, I choke you

I'm not wearing green today. In fact, I'm wearing red. It's not that I don't like St. Patrick's Day, it's just FUCK YOU DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO WEAR. Also, I always look for excuses to get mad at people, so if anyone tries to pinch me I WILL CHOKE THEM. Of course, choking a coworker might get me fired, but according to this study, that might be a good thing. But seriously, coworkers, DO NOT TOUCH ME. Or, like, even talk to me.

I have the day off tomorrow and I was talking to Joe last night about how, just a few years ago, I would have been so excited that I could celebrate St. Patrick's Day without having to work the next day. Hell, even if I DID have to work the next day, I probably would have celebrated. I think it was three years ago that Steve, Heidi, and I got my dad (my dad: "Does this make me an enabler?) to drop us off at Harrigan's on St. Patrick's Day in the middle of the week. We had my dad drop us off because A) we assumed the parking lot would be full and B) we all had to work the next day, so we needed our cars, like, at home. It was brilliant, right? We'd just take a taxi home!

We did not take into account that everyone in Dayton would be taking taxis home, and so when we called for one, there were none available. Like, as in, they told us they might be able to pick us 5 AM. At that point, it was too late to call anyone to pick us up because, duh, they all had to work the next day, too, so we walked. It was only like two and a half miles, so it wasn't THAT crazy, except that Steve had recently had knee surgery and still had a brace, I think? And some weird guys kept trying to convince us to come to their apartment? We were all really hungry, too, because beer needs feeding after a while, and I was getting bored because walking was taking too long, so I ran the last mile ahead of Heidi and Steve, I guess to make food? And to get home faster. Sure.

Heidi and Steve got home to find the front door open and me running around the apartment brushing my teeth. I had also dumped a box of granola bars on top of the stove for them. That was me cooking, I guess? Probably safer than me actually using the oven in that state, so they should be happy they didn't come home to find the apartment on fire.

Anyway, Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

this blog is about to reach a new low

Last night, while Joe and I were sleeping, Max woke up, went to the living room, threw up, and then dragged his bed over the puke. Like he was hiding it.


Monday, March 7, 2011

That might sound boring, but I think the boring stuff is the stuff I remember the most.

I know I haven't blogged in like a million years and this is totally phoning it in BUT OMG YOU GUYS LOOK AT THIS:

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

go directly to heaven, collect two adorable mastiffs

So I just got this email that there are two mastiffs available for foster/adoption in the Dayton area. Here they are:





Here is the what the email said:

These two young mastiffs are super sweet and friendly. They were due to
be put down today, but thanks to a mastiff lover who went and picked
them up (thanks Lindsey) we got them into boarding last night. They are
getting their shots, wormed, and baths. The owner didn't give much info
on them. If you know of anyone willing to foster one or both of them
(they are very attached to each other), please let me know!! HART has
offered placement in their rescue if I can find fosters. I do have 54"
crates I can lend to someone and I can furnish the dog food. Thanks!

The Clinton Co. (Wilmington, OH) Dog Warden just picked up a male and
female English Mastiff who was surrendered to the county because the
owner is moving. The owner has not supplied names, medical history or
any info about the dogs. I do know that they have mostly lived outdoors
or in the garage. The Warden says they are nice dogs -- just huge!

Clinton Co. is a very rural and depressed community. The Pound has 20
kennels to house dogs. Currently, dogs are doubled, and in some cases,
tripled up in kennels. The Warden is forced to euthanize due to lack of
space and already has the vet scheduled to come in on Wednesday to have
relief on the quantity of animals.... he will be housing the Mastiffs in
an outdoor kennel tonight.

SUPER SAD FACE. If you would like to adopt/foster these dogs or know of someone who might, please EMAIL ME and I will forward you the foster lady's contact information.

Seriously, though, if you adopt them you will get so many karma points for heaven. Is that how heaven works? Being nice to animals?

Also, if you could please share this with others, that'd be great, because I think approximately 20 people read my blog and only a handful of those people actually live in Ohio.